I am pretty much done with the blogging thing, although I enjoyed so much and have several blogs, my personal ones are a waste and there is not a lot to really keep it going.
I have met many people through blogging and for this reason I will continue to read your blogs support and comment, but as far as "Whitney's World" the real life and cyber life has crossed. There is just nothing going on that hasn't been going on for the last 5 years.
If you want to keep in touch email at bntwillowatyahoodotcom, I have always preferred letters anyway.
God speed.
July 6, 2011
July 5, 2011
Do you ever?
Do you ever really want more information from a dream you had, have or are having more than once?
Do you ever just wanna say the heck with it all and spend you money on everything that you want no matter what doesn't get paid?
Do you ever just want to for 24 hours say what you really feel not what you think would be correct and appropriate?
Do you ever just wanna eat and drink till your merry for a long time?
Do you ever want get in your car and drive till you run out of gas?
Do you ever just .....I got a list of more Do you ever than I have what about you? Sometimes those Do you ever make me think I am whacked...I am not whacked. I am slightly cracked, a little warped, majorly stressed out and I will admit in the midst of PTSS and a bit of a dreamer...but whacked. Nope that's for other people, although I am starting to believe that these 5 years of little or no contact with outside sources short of Drs, and family and cyber folk, may have add to my warped stressed PTSS dreaming butt and whacked is looking a little more like an achievement than a goal!
Five years ago today we left for Philadelphia. In my gut I didn't want to do this, Hopkins offered us no hope they were as rude and as insensitive as a room full of doctors can get , which working in the hospital for years was shocked that they even caught me off guard, I felt in my heart I needed to be going to SHANDS in Florida but there were factors that just didn't allow that, I packed up everything I would need to go to a place I knew nothing about I would live in the Ronald Mcdonald House till when ever, tom would get me there and leave, the plan was to come back when things got closer, little did we know that before he left we would jump on the roller coaster ride, I had to beg a huge hospital of people to save our babies. Because we were having twins I heard the never ending "Well if this doesn't turn out well you will always have baby A"...Really? I would have blasted them but it always just shocked me, I remember sitting in that conference room telling them seriously...no. I want both, I love both of them, " un" baby A isn't a consolation prize for a tough bloody pregnancy....I will never forget that day we pulled out of the driveway, everything that I had left of this pregnancy the one that took 10 years and massive effort and money to achieve was counting down to the fight of my life. I remember thinking I think this is going to be okay, I really do, its going to be hard, tough and scary but I think were going to be okay.
This leg of my life really did read like Tale of Two Cities, I never cared for that book, but I can quote much from it.It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of … My sister ended up traveling with me and staying. I couldn't be alone till I delivered, we made some crazy memories, we did manage to laugh and make the best of the time but I can remember how quickly the lights could go out on a very bright day.
The reading of Grapes of Wrath was a book that I really hated reading, I never knew if it was because I had to read it and no matter what my opinion was of it as a class we were told what it meant.... Steinbeck portrayed the main families dignity and honor; maintaining self-respect in order to survive spiritually. And unlike many book the ending is worse then the beginning which of course fine tunes it for a tragedy. The Joads have suffered incomparable losses: Noah, Connie, and Tom have left the family; Rose of Sharon gives birth to a stillborn baby; the family possesses neither food nor promise of work. But they manages to rise above hardship and are able to show kindness a starving man, human life still respected.
Ddignity and rage. The same but different, fine line between the two. I saw things in that period of my that even the day my daughter died, I couldn't feel sorry for myself cause there was worse, there was greater pain hopelessness, greater fear, greater hardship...today right this minute I hold those I met very close to my heart. They are the homeless man from Steinbeck's novel....
LOL, wow even then I had a sense of humor...I crack myself up, miracles. Yep the things dreams are made of.
Do you ever just wanna say the heck with it all and spend you money on everything that you want no matter what doesn't get paid?
Do you ever just want to for 24 hours say what you really feel not what you think would be correct and appropriate?
Do you ever just wanna eat and drink till your merry for a long time?
Do you ever want get in your car and drive till you run out of gas?
Do you ever just .....I got a list of more Do you ever than I have what about you? Sometimes those Do you ever make me think I am whacked...I am not whacked. I am slightly cracked, a little warped, majorly stressed out and I will admit in the midst of PTSS and a bit of a dreamer...but whacked. Nope that's for other people, although I am starting to believe that these 5 years of little or no contact with outside sources short of Drs, and family and cyber folk, may have add to my warped stressed PTSS dreaming butt and whacked is looking a little more like an achievement than a goal!
Five years ago today we left for Philadelphia. In my gut I didn't want to do this, Hopkins offered us no hope they were as rude and as insensitive as a room full of doctors can get , which working in the hospital for years was shocked that they even caught me off guard, I felt in my heart I needed to be going to SHANDS in Florida but there were factors that just didn't allow that, I packed up everything I would need to go to a place I knew nothing about I would live in the Ronald Mcdonald House till when ever, tom would get me there and leave, the plan was to come back when things got closer, little did we know that before he left we would jump on the roller coaster ride, I had to beg a huge hospital of people to save our babies. Because we were having twins I heard the never ending "Well if this doesn't turn out well you will always have baby A"...Really? I would have blasted them but it always just shocked me, I remember sitting in that conference room telling them seriously...no. I want both, I love both of them, " un" baby A isn't a consolation prize for a tough bloody pregnancy....I will never forget that day we pulled out of the driveway, everything that I had left of this pregnancy the one that took 10 years and massive effort and money to achieve was counting down to the fight of my life. I remember thinking I think this is going to be okay, I really do, its going to be hard, tough and scary but I think were going to be okay.
This leg of my life really did read like Tale of Two Cities, I never cared for that book, but I can quote much from it.It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of … My sister ended up traveling with me and staying. I couldn't be alone till I delivered, we made some crazy memories, we did manage to laugh and make the best of the time but I can remember how quickly the lights could go out on a very bright day.
The reading of Grapes of Wrath was a book that I really hated reading, I never knew if it was because I had to read it and no matter what my opinion was of it as a class we were told what it meant.... Steinbeck portrayed the main families dignity and honor; maintaining self-respect in order to survive spiritually. And unlike many book the ending is worse then the beginning which of course fine tunes it for a tragedy. The Joads have suffered incomparable losses: Noah, Connie, and Tom have left the family; Rose of Sharon gives birth to a stillborn baby; the family possesses neither food nor promise of work. But they manages to rise above hardship and are able to show kindness a starving man, human life still respected.
Ddignity and rage. The same but different, fine line between the two. I saw things in that period of my that even the day my daughter died, I couldn't feel sorry for myself cause there was worse, there was greater pain hopelessness, greater fear, greater hardship...today right this minute I hold those I met very close to my heart. They are the homeless man from Steinbeck's novel....
LOL, wow even then I had a sense of humor...I crack myself up, miracles. Yep the things dreams are made of.
July 4, 2011
Help in this area.
I am desperately seeking out help in dealing with my 4 year old who has slept in her room every night since she was 6 months old.
Right before we left for vacation Tom's brother scared the dhit out of her with some stupid phone app turning her sister Atty into a creepy ass monster with sound effects it has spiraled out of control till tonight she stood in a brightly lit room with her tv on shaking and crying (for real) that she is afraid of the dark, she said "I keep getting afraid of the dark" when I responded I understand blah blah blah but this has to stop, you need rest I need rest to grow and ne healthy she ended with "I can't stop, I can't not be afraid, I just keep getting afraid of the dark...she zero in on the closet. She makes her littlest sister turn on the lights during the day for her, she used to go out on the deck at night with Tom and I she won't.
I am sure that the week at the beach following the fearful phone app encounter didn't help cause we all slept together in the same room and there was activity every where.
There is a very strong feeling that as she has become independent...slow coming but fully embraced and gloating on by her...she regrets the feeling of connection and attention from me.
Tonight ended prematurely with me giving her three options, try to make it through the night with the extra light on, the tv on but turned down low, a night light and I will read to her and sit with her till she goes to sleep...or we can move the babies in her room and they can sleep together so she doesn't feel alone or she stays up with me all night and we will explore this house and the noises it makes till she feel safe and sound. I told her I would give her a few minutes to think about it. She clearly doesn't what to share her room.
I returned with her out...passes out eye red from crying in the fetal position. I have tried everything I can read , even caving in and letting her sleep with us. Every night she promises that tomorrow she will sleep in her room.
There is just regression. Period and yesterday she started baby talking. WTC?
I feel anxious, I am sure at this point she can feel it and we have to get this resolved soon. I feel every night that comes and goes is one more night we have let fear win and blah blah blah
As a child I was told to face it, get over it...I was told to get in bed...I spent many of nights under the covers holding my breath. I don't and won't let my child go through that but I can't allow her to get wimpy and this snow ball into everything she is afraid of...
I usually handle issues well and what seem to be good for my children, but I have noticed when something that I have flagged as "That happened to me or that is how it was handled when I was a child and it was horrible, mean, sad, hurt...to panic and do the opposite...the longer I am a parent I don't want to say mine were right and couldn't have been a little more emotionally empathetic but frankly I am not afraid of anything really and if I am I can face it...but then I am a self confessed Arctic circle and I am sure this a trait that I want her to have...
Man I was feeling good about where we were on the development and growth area but this was like getting hit by a train and getting drag for 20 miles...falling off and trying to asses the damage.
To me, it's huge, to professionals and other mothers I am sure you are like WTC she needs to chill.. I am that way about issues others have too but that gnat in your glass always look bigger when your staring down your nose at it that walking by and seeing it in there...
I know that there are many (hahahahah I still have my humor) readers who have a diverse area of education and career as well as children of all ages etc. Don't lurk on this one, reach out and give me your 2 cents...I will digest it and you never know your idea of this could help her and me and spare the next two.
Right before we left for vacation Tom's brother scared the dhit out of her with some stupid phone app turning her sister Atty into a creepy ass monster with sound effects it has spiraled out of control till tonight she stood in a brightly lit room with her tv on shaking and crying (for real) that she is afraid of the dark, she said "I keep getting afraid of the dark" when I responded I understand blah blah blah but this has to stop, you need rest I need rest to grow and ne healthy she ended with "I can't stop, I can't not be afraid, I just keep getting afraid of the dark...she zero in on the closet. She makes her littlest sister turn on the lights during the day for her, she used to go out on the deck at night with Tom and I she won't.
I am sure that the week at the beach following the fearful phone app encounter didn't help cause we all slept together in the same room and there was activity every where.
There is a very strong feeling that as she has become independent...slow coming but fully embraced and gloating on by her...she regrets the feeling of connection and attention from me.
Tonight ended prematurely with me giving her three options, try to make it through the night with the extra light on, the tv on but turned down low, a night light and I will read to her and sit with her till she goes to sleep...or we can move the babies in her room and they can sleep together so she doesn't feel alone or she stays up with me all night and we will explore this house and the noises it makes till she feel safe and sound. I told her I would give her a few minutes to think about it. She clearly doesn't what to share her room.
I returned with her out...passes out eye red from crying in the fetal position. I have tried everything I can read , even caving in and letting her sleep with us. Every night she promises that tomorrow she will sleep in her room.
There is just regression. Period and yesterday she started baby talking. WTC?
I feel anxious, I am sure at this point she can feel it and we have to get this resolved soon. I feel every night that comes and goes is one more night we have let fear win and blah blah blah
As a child I was told to face it, get over it...I was told to get in bed...I spent many of nights under the covers holding my breath. I don't and won't let my child go through that but I can't allow her to get wimpy and this snow ball into everything she is afraid of...
I usually handle issues well and what seem to be good for my children, but I have noticed when something that I have flagged as "That happened to me or that is how it was handled when I was a child and it was horrible, mean, sad, hurt...to panic and do the opposite...the longer I am a parent I don't want to say mine were right and couldn't have been a little more emotionally empathetic but frankly I am not afraid of anything really and if I am I can face it...but then I am a self confessed Arctic circle and I am sure this a trait that I want her to have...
Man I was feeling good about where we were on the development and growth area but this was like getting hit by a train and getting drag for 20 miles...falling off and trying to asses the damage.
To me, it's huge, to professionals and other mothers I am sure you are like WTC she needs to chill.. I am that way about issues others have too but that gnat in your glass always look bigger when your staring down your nose at it that walking by and seeing it in there...
I know that there are many (hahahahah I still have my humor) readers who have a diverse area of education and career as well as children of all ages etc. Don't lurk on this one, reach out and give me your 2 cents...I will digest it and you never know your idea of this could help her and me and spare the next two.
Stranger yet.
Fever free, the whole house.
Found a lot of information out there about how swimming can increase the symptoms, mock or excacerbate signs and symptoms of hay fever. Interesting enough with no intervention we are all fever free.
I am curious though about the correlation and will be taking temps following swimming for a while just to see because with Beks history I almost went to the urgent care yesterday...glad the scientist in me broke through the holiday Friday weekend urgent care maddness.
Found a lot of information out there about how swimming can increase the symptoms, mock or excacerbate signs and symptoms of hay fever. Interesting enough with no intervention we are all fever free.
I am curious though about the correlation and will be taking temps following swimming for a while just to see because with Beks history I almost went to the urgent care yesterday...glad the scientist in me broke through the holiday Friday weekend urgent care maddness.
July 3, 2011
This is a test.
Could as many people out there try this for me this week I am curious, any and all links I have found have lead to be worthless information...
After your children, and you really spend some time swimming this week could you please take your temperature following like 30 mins, and 1 then 2 hours following, I am curious..
Of course we have had fevers following swimming again, and I even have one this time...so are we allergies to chlorine? are we swimming in sewage?
I feel there is a body temperature variant that occurs naturally or do I just need fevers following swimming as one of yet added freakish traits...
Bek of course got sick last night and didn't see it coming but bamm...fever and all. I am teetering on urgent care but dag every holiday and her whole belly thing which has been a maze since that started is still the same, that all started after a long weekend of swimming, so there is almost as much coincidence of illness following swimming as there is illness on Fridays and holidays...which over the last 3 years has been every Friday and holiday. Really Ripley, do you really need another freak show attraction? If so could you consider maybe someone else cause we really don't have the health income account large enough for all these insane illness. Well unless we get set up in some lavish house with a very large account and oh yeah I want housekeepers and cooks and why were at it a daily massage...of course I am sure you will see that the pool will be clean, and saltwater right?
After your children, and you really spend some time swimming this week could you please take your temperature following like 30 mins, and 1 then 2 hours following, I am curious..
Of course we have had fevers following swimming again, and I even have one this time...so are we allergies to chlorine? are we swimming in sewage?
I feel there is a body temperature variant that occurs naturally or do I just need fevers following swimming as one of yet added freakish traits...
Bek of course got sick last night and didn't see it coming but bamm...fever and all. I am teetering on urgent care but dag every holiday and her whole belly thing which has been a maze since that started is still the same, that all started after a long weekend of swimming, so there is almost as much coincidence of illness following swimming as there is illness on Fridays and holidays...which over the last 3 years has been every Friday and holiday. Really Ripley, do you really need another freak show attraction? If so could you consider maybe someone else cause we really don't have the health income account large enough for all these insane illness. Well unless we get set up in some lavish house with a very large account and oh yeah I want housekeepers and cooks and why were at it a daily massage...of course I am sure you will see that the pool will be clean, and saltwater right?
July 1, 2011
Whewwwww Weeee.
Obviously I didn't wear enough deodorant this week because the phone hasn't rang, and there are no plans with anyone this week.
So...either I stink, everyone is as busy this week as I was last week...or my new found independence is wavering and I am going back to my what does everyone think...
Hummmm.
So...either I stink, everyone is as busy this week as I was last week...or my new found independence is wavering and I am going back to my what does everyone think...
Hummmm.
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