I got nothing.

Well there is a lot in this head, but I got nothing to blurt out, and everything is way too political, complicated emotional depressing or would sound like a lie if I typed it out so off the top of my head I got nothing.

I am thinking about getting up in the morning around 4:30 before Tom leaves for work and try this goal of running again, will take about of month of faithfulness on my part, but hiked tonight in the coolness of the ac on the elliptical...hate that steel clothes rack...so why waste a good day.

Wanna know what else I think I am doing...nothing. I think I am going to start making Wednesdays official Whitney's Hump, Frump and Pump Day.  Spend a little time on me myself and I, take some down time with the kids the pets and just drop the house and chores and obligations.  The truth of the matter is I clean non stop and straighten and organize all day everyday and I do the same amount of work rather I do it once, twice or three times a day...vacation was nice and when I came home I was almost depressed just walking into our house cause I felt the load just drop.  I need to let some of all this go, I will have the rest of my life to clean straighten organize etc. One day a week were on a mini vacation ...and for those who are awwww poor Tom he has to work he doesnt' get a mini every week...Awww what you don't get is that Tom gets a mini everyday when he gets home cause I do almost everything he spends time with the children eats, rest and sleeps...so.  Also when the the wife is happy then Tom is happy.

I am a little...lol I crack myself up, a lot OCD with our life...I have grown this way out of survival and it has got us here but now it's time to let it go, not hoarder health department needs to condemn our house go, but view things in different series of events.

Having multiples and a baby at home teaches you a lot of things, the foremost for me was act now, don't wait.  If you had idle time, you better get one step ahead cause if there was one thing you could depend on was everyone needed everything the moment you needed something yourself.  You cleaned the shower when you got out cause you might not get back to it, you brushed your teeth when you went to the bath at noon again cause you might not get to it till tomorrow (no joke!) You prepare dinner the night before while everyone has RSV cause you you don't know when you'll get sleep and when you do you don't want to have to cook clean etc. It's crazy the ride your on, and you go crazy if you don't step off and evaluate regularly..I skipped a year or few cause I just couldn't imagine they didn't need me like that anymore, that they have grown to that point...but yep. they have.  So...I will retake my selfless time and find something to do with it...although I the insanity of it all the last 3 and half years...kinda liked it, what a challenge...gotta be a adrenaline junkie for sure after stunts like this.

SO for not having nothing sure did come out like something, probably not what you wanted to hear...but it's a bone.

But after this mini revelation...are you wondering what I am wondering?

Do you think this eternal drive in my deepest corner of my soul for more children is a result of high that came from such adrenaline fix to my silent OCD? Hummmm. Might need to toss that around.

Maybe not wanting to end this journey is keeping me from embracing the journey I am on now...I guess a lot like the square peg in a round hole deal, only thing is that I am the kind of person that if I want that square peg to go in that damn round hole...I will get it there...then ponder why it just isn't right.

Okay i crack myself up most of the time but tonight I sorta scared myself! lol

Honey, I'm home!

Sigh.  Were home.  As in the burg.

I have never been to VA Beach and with three small kids in tow, I loved it, and will go back over the next few years till the children get older and we evaluate what type of beach we want.  I have always been a Outer Banks person till everyone became a Outer Banks person, then I really liked the northern coastal line as in Boston and Maine, Mystic areas,

It was the best week I spent with three small children and a husband out of our element.  So good in fact we stayed another night.  Sadly I got to spend little to no time with my mother and sister but we were very busy and they required a lot of food and rest, something Tom and I don't get no matter where we are but I give it a thumbs up.

The excitement was almost a little too much for Beka, I am not sure what to do with the info/data collected during her trip last week, wish we didn't spend the time we spent dealing with the behavior issues but there was a ocean, traffic etc...safety issues to consider so that was a new level of frustration but by the 2nd day she was good, just very happy to be there.

I am very stoked for November this year this  I will be booking our trip to DisneyWorld this will be our 3rd trip to Disney since the girls have been born and I am sure this will be the best hands down, I love planning trips, I love traveling...

I think I should have been born privileged to travel.  I think the exchange student thing changed me in a way nothing else could cause a month in the burg gets the gypsy in me moaning.

While on vacation we received the call that Anneleise's surgery will be August 5th.  This next few weeks are packed.

June 22nd Anniversay of Dad passing, 6 years but still very hard especially since I have had children and we have a family  but no family if you get my drift.
June 30th Mom to Hopkins
 July 11th Beka appt
 July 12th Anneleise appt
 July 13th Atty to Hopkins, Beka to CAT scan
July 16th Toms Mom's Birthday...miss this lady very much especially since we have had childrenen.
 July 26th Atty and Beka's birthday....sigh whole nother post about the sinking depression of these lil babies growing.
July 28th Toms BIG 40 birthday
August 1st our Anniversary 13 years 15 being together
August 5th Anneleise's surgery
August 14th Anneleise's and Aubrey's birthday..WTH...5 years old.  I need therapy on this one I thinks.
August 22nd school starts for Anneleise offically even though she has been in development classes since she was 3....the big bus and all...WTH...more therapy.
August 27th...forever the worse day of my life, will never forget anything about that day.
August 28th Aubrey Angelversary 5 years this child has left my physcial life and I will never be the same again.

Mixed up in all these days are surprises I am sure because test results will be phones in etc...and this year has been especially hard on me as the due dates of the girls etc come and go.  Five years out and I guess I am at the phase of grief where I hate myself and feel like I could have done more made better decisions etc.  Infertility, pregnancy loss and infant loss has taken a toll in me, us after 14 years and Aubrey was just the brick wall that made me finally start dealing it and that I just can't seem to do, I just can't deal with it, you just don't get over it, the only way I have found to settle some of this is to slowly digest the pain of it all and there really is no good advice for that, the steps of grieving well you can mock those, you can fly through some and tip toe around others, in the end every morsel every chew of fat so to speak I am being faced with the steps of grief.

Like a broken record I just can't stop looking at us and seeing all the seats at the table filled, all the seats in the van filled, everytime I have to buy two of something to get three there is always 1 left over.  This is all so much with all that is going on in other places in my life so I spend little time digesting, just making mental notes but sigh...we have a major decision to make and I have to push this up in the priority department so I can make a good sound decision for myself, my family, my children.

SO pardon me if I don't post much and when and if I do it's not farting glitter and roses...this is my little space to keep me from going nuts and I think I will be needing it a lot the next month so this is a warning to all....

Enter at your own risk....but support is greatly appreciated, oh yeah there is a few times in my life I like to feel sorry for myself but I'm so overwhelmed with stuff  this is going to be one of those months so lets just let me behave badly for a while then you can slap me back to reality, I really need this month guys.

With a little help...

If you want to help make someones dreams come true...follow this link.
If you want to be part of something bigger then they cn wrap thier heads around...follow this link.
If want to share the heart of one person today...follow this link.

Seriously follow this link and share the love.
goteamwitt.blogspot.com

Countdown to a new level of insantiy.

In 36 hours we will be in the vehicle traveling to the beach.  Five hours.

The drive does not even phase me, I don't think twice about long tip with the kids.  The price of gas well, to be honest that has made me wince way more.  The thought of a five hour trip with 2 official fully 100% potty trained kiddlets and one who wants to be when it involves tips to bathrooms washing hands and playing with hand dryers, however takes no responsibility with hold to go theory sorta has me gritting my teeth.

There is a list of things that need to be done before that 36 hours comes to a close, however nothing significant will happen when I get home if I don't get these things done short of me just not wanting to come home....

FYI Do not. Do not tell your many small children that we are going to the beach until maybe 1 or 2 hours before you leave.  One of many mistakes I made this week.  Another one was in mid cycle I shifted the whole computer room around and crap there are way too many wires for being wireless and wireless printers, and have mercy the dust.  I am not talking bunnies folks I am talking tigers, lions and bears...oh yeah.

We have moved out of many phases all of which I am sad in a sick sorta catholic make your self suffer kind of way...but wow there are new phases and the three girls will not embrace a phase at the same time they insist on each finding their own phase and drive me absolutely loco.

Atty is beyond sassy,I call her Barbara Walters, she reports everything for days...can't let a story go.  Bek...well she is usually the one being reported and man can this child find the trouble...she wants to be 30 maybe even 35.  Annleise well she wants o be deemed medium grown, however finds herself deaf to all lessons and manners of medium...emotional train wreck.

I find the days lately getting to new levels of insane but the good is wonderful, the bad is worth praying not to happen again.

We got the "letter" the one that tells you the spec on the embies camping out in the Arctic waiting on us to get...what to do what to do.

This has thrown me into a huge dysfunck...I know what we have to do, I know what is right for our family, our finances, my health.. all the things that involve adding to a family...but selfishly I set here and hold this letter 20 times a day.

The odds are dropping at epic rates of success, in addition to my previous history and current health...with what we have we would be looking at about a 33 percent chance, more like 20 for success.

So if I told you on your wedding day at your outside dream wedding there was a 20 -33 percent chance of a storm, a tornado exactly the moment you were to say your vows, and could prove my percents...what would you do?

See out with the old insanity ( i never resolved or settled) and in with the new...

I would like to think there will be another update but come on who we kidding?

It's official.

All three girls are sick with throat and ear infections stemming from allergies which are wrecking havoc in this house.

I am about to embark on a total house cleaning that will remove as much allergens as possible and try some new strategies.

We leave for the beach in 9 days.  Not ready.

There is a pile of outside work to do...and impossible to do with 3 sick and uber superfic whiny but justifiable miserable children who all...all want their momma. sigh. my lap and arms are only so big thank goodness for a very large bed.

On a positive note Bek trained her self and in 2 days we have had to change underware 2 times but because she started to pee before they were down...sigh...this will be put in glitter letters on her baby book! There is little that Bek has done in the last year that didn't take a brick over the head but she loves being a big kid and would be happier if I gave her chores like laundry and dishes daily. Girl is nuts I am telling you...I think the detox and diet change and exercise program has worked wonders for her and although there are behavior issues they are doable...and no meds. sigh....warm and fuzzy feelings.

I am freaking tired, and fat.  Where and when did this all happen?

Me time not that I have ever been a "me time" person is between 1am and 3:45am. Crickets. That's all I hear. Not really liking being in a quite room by myself right now, I am under construction.

The children are starting to chew at my ankles and decided that they all have pressing needs right this minute and I can't distract them so this list will end and I will return. hopefully with optimistic and joyful news....

I crack myself up.

F Bombing

The pedi called and cancelled the Beka's appt for Friday morning.... really he won't be in the office.  The behavior specialist called and cancelled Beka's for July....

This child has falling through every crack, well actually big gaping holes.

I'm going to urgent care in the morning.

Not sure what to do?

Let me rephrase that I know what I want to do, I have way too much medical experience to not know what is normal and odd to emergency, I have done it...but am I over reacting? I am not getting anywhere.

Beka had a BM on Saturday lst week, induced after 2 fiber chews 2 doses of miralax with Gatorade, and finally a fleet pediatric senna laxative...it resulted in a massive sludge spill that by passed the pull up and happened while she walked, there was not though I think in it at all, obviously did not cause her pain, however he has been really hard to deal with behavior wise over the last 2 weeks.

Since our trip to the ER we were told get a BM then stop let her go naturally with the fiber chew supplements increase foods and fluids...doing it, although her eating just picked up yesterday.

Today no poop, belly getting bulgy again she has been sleeping way more than she has ever! like went to bed on Saturday with little problems slept till 7 got in bed with me, got up she stayed till 10, went to bed that night at 8 slept till 10 30 in her own bed then went back to sleep at 1 till 330 then back to sleep with no issues at 8....

I called today, really I say I am worried this is not a child that sleeps, she doesn't ever turn food down, she never turns away the splash mat on the deck she always wants to be outside, she is whiny, mean she is yelling at everything from us to dust particles, she refuses any and all meds and I am threatening her to drink.  There is no poop no attempt and her urine is still dark...strike that brown.

I can take her to ER but they are saying give her till Friday before they repeat test...Im like have you ever not shit for 7 days...aren't you a little like this child sounds...they have given me 20 reasons and who what whys but I want to know is her bowel still infected, is her WBC still high, what about that kidney function...granted she is not really running a fever so they say this signals auto correction of the infection...which states on dc papers of un know origin.

Friday? Really?

I left the call telling my Pediatrician, I Hope they are right because this will be yet another time that they refused to listen to the mother and I was right, all was not well...did I need to remind her that Anneleise is practically blind thanks to their "Shell grow out of it attitude"...I did make a threat, I said if this progresses into anything serious that will require surgery etc, I will not pay they will be responsible 100 percent and that doing nothing is far worse than trying anything when symptoms signs are clear in the eyes of peer review board and morbidity board.

They said if I question them go to the ER.

She isn't her self, but she does play...differently but is playing, she has started to eat...no fever...I just not sure what to think.

It's always something...but not always what you think.

Of course yet another hiatus has occurred and of course it is due to health issues with one of the children.  About two weeks ago Beka (who we have been having a lot of behavior issues as of lately, hell since birth!) spiked a fever the highest was 102 in 24 hour period.  I really treated it and shrugged it off cause we had just went to the dentist the day before and she said Beka still has 3 teeth on the bottom to come in and it is very packed, she noted one was busting through that day, after the cleaning and stuff I thought it was just working it way out.  Her behavior had worsen and she was often talking of a belly ache about 2 times a day, her bowel went south over the last two weeks too.  Being everyone in this house has a poop issue and we have dramatically changed our diets I was told, let it go....a while. Okay.

Beka wakes up Wednesday morning burning up, double dosing meds I couldn't keep it under 101, on Thursday she went from 101 to 104 in like 3 mins of course our regular doctors couldn't see her so off we go to urgent care.  I really thought for sure there was going to be a surprise ear infect or something even strep.  Nope.  Off to hospital with a high WBC count, anemia and elevated kidney functions for a CT scan.

5 hours later, yes , 5 hours later they told me her lymph nodes in the the stomach especially the lower right quad is enlarge, like big...and her right ovary is 3 times the normal size of a child her age.  They could not see the appendix cause of the inflamed bowel which is what they are thinking is infected...but the incidental findings are more concerning.

Sent home, no meds but for vomiting, make her comfortable and follow up.

So. We have a potential appendix issue, a lymph infection or even a cancer, we could be looking at ovarian cancer, a pituitary problem or endocrine issue...but this week we are trying to get the bowel issue corrected and healed and retest.  Test were scheduled for today but she is still under he weather, no fever so they want to wait.

Clogged up plumbing...I can wait...potential cancer...I really can't wait.

These endocrine issue could very well be the root of her behavior and would be awesome if it could be helped for her...

I vomit a lil every time I think of the possibilities...

Of course all the kids are green and thick ridden with allergy induce snot, atty sounds like she has TB...

So I Come again in peace but looking for some prayers for bravery, strength, and good health.  I want to beleivethat it will be a random infection, and it maybe, but our history it will be some rare off the wall situation that will put her through the mill.

Well, were trying to enjoy the summer, its really hot and we seem to be very busy, the house work just never ends, but I am trying to remove the OCD of me and just enjoy some of this time.