Family detox.

It's not just what you put in your mouth that we are changing in this small but insane family of ours.

We are avoiding caffeine, we are avoiding processed meats, there is no additional sugar and there is only homemade grain bread once a day.  There is only water through the day and night except for meals where I squeeze and juice my own apple, orange and pear juice over ice.  the big treat is homemade peanut butter and the sweetest treat is yogurt.

The kids are doing okay, they are whiny for their addictions, but me on the other hand...i long for my coffee.  I haven't been a very calm person lately and after looking at what I put in this gaping hole in my head...no wonder especially if you are what you eat!

3 pots of very strong coffee a day.  One meal at about 10 pm and it consist of my breakfast lunch dinner and the two snacks and dessert...gotta eat a balanced diet right? Well it isn't. I don't want to make noise cause everyone asleep so I eat from the pantry, everything is shelf stable and that equals processed foods and massive chemicals...similar to those in my cleaning agents.  Yucky no wonder I feel like death warmed over, I may have actually died about 3  years ago but am so preserved I haven't figured it out yet.

It was a very hard and painful journey to get here.  To correct everything that basically I allowed to happen and to face fixing it.  Knowing I am the example to lead my children....? well it just adds to the already mounting stress that I feel like I am doing this all alone, but it has sparked the kick in the pants I needed.

Threw out 2 garbage bags of foods opened expired....took a laundry basket and half to the food bank.

Our house looks bare, and I basically threw away a months of groceries, but that seemed hardly a punishment fit for making meals and snacks that have obviously poisoned us.

Moderation.  A lesson we will learn, patience, will power, pride and temptation...all obstacles right now but I know they will be replaced with new found energy, mental clearness, better sleep and better waking...vice grips that a day hold more than sluggish and irritable behavior.

There is no yelling either, there is a calmness that entered this house the other night and although it is a crazy stressful period of transition...it is oddly peaceful.  There is no taking time or energy to blame anyone, the hubs and I have instructed ourselves that when we hit a point where we have a revelation about a behavior ours or the children we acknowledge it together...and find a solution, there really isn't time for blame, guilt or punishment regarding who did what (as far as him and myself).  No matter what we verbally detox for a few minutes after the kiddlets are down and out..last night for the first time since this started it was about 5 minutes and painless, he dumped, I dumped then I went to sleep.  Usually I sit up and beat myself up for not being perfect.

Funny the destruction caused in the attempt to be perfect and in the midst I found myself to be so far less than perfect, I actually don't even like myself.

We detoxed the house over the last two weeks.  Wow if you live locally visit the Goodwill, we unloaded a lot.

Strange to me who is a particle OCD chick with organizational tendencies that I spent so much effort and time taming this chaos...I did though people where like OMG where did all that come from...in stead of smiling because I would have been oddly proud of the feat, I was like ummmmm yeah....aren't we all a little crazy like this? Gulp.

Opening our closets is liberating. Painless and almost like a whiff of fresh air.

Seriously detoxing is and has been as enjoyable and distressing as it has been painful and stressful, but one step at a time they are balancing themselves out.

You should try dome detox in your life...it actually is addicting.

I think tonight I am going to address a more detail idea of the changs going on in this house this week and I want to leap and share the whole weight and body image health thing, but I am just not sure I can do this. Yet.

One day at a time...sweet Jesus.

Oh my I can't blog long, I have to go to bed and soak up the day.  It was stellar in the grand scheme of things.

I don't think I have had to count to 10 and hold my breath, make myself laugh so much in a 24 hr period...but for today, it paid off big time.

Beka rocked, there was little issues but when I didn't respond she looked at me like I was Russian or something...Atty was 1/3 rd less whiney, and Anneleise and I took the pup for a visit with the "G" and picked her up from her haircut.

I can so do this for Beka, am I doing things like I want? nope.
Am I doing things the way I dreamed? no way.
Am I the mother I wanted to be? not even close.
Are they the children I thought they should be? luckly no, for obvious reasons they tell me I am wrong!
Did the world come to a end once all lil folks were asleep? thank goodness no.
Was it worth it? hell yes.

If today is but a glimpse of more to come... I will do it all.  I will change everything about me, overcome every obstacle and facet of myself for more days like this.

Ahhhhhhh.

I worked hard since 7pm yesterday evening to get no sleep and have these lil girls wake up and embrace radical change, but they so gently showed me that they approved, that it's going to be okay and we will get through this next obstacle as we have everyone behind us.

Obstacles...look my better from behind than facing them dead on.

Dont' take me wrong, still pray for me and the girls...although I am sure there was a Divine intervention last night for me...the will power and confidence was amazing today and the peace....ahhhh.

Sweet Jesus.

The "F" bomb.

Yeah, I tend to be verbally abusive to anyone and everyone who gets in my way, and I can do a job on myself too...today is one of those days.

I actually slept last night cause I just knew, I just knew today was going to be the day...no matter how small of light no matter how temporary there was going to be progress out of where I stand today.

Then the call came.  I missed the appointments. 

What?

Your appointments were at 9:20 am this morning.

Ummmm....let me see, Ummmmm no I have 3:20, 4:20 pm today.

That was the first set we gave you but we had to call you back on Friday to tell that wouldn't work.

Seriously? Did you talk to anyone? Leave a message?

There was an automated one left on Friday at 4 ish.

So now what?

Next week for Bek and 3:20 tomorrow for Anneleise.

Well at least I will get to take my time today for the runaround regarding Atty.

I am starting to get the whole mindset that postal service employee had that one day so long ago when life was by far simplier and actual people delt with actual problems, seriously the root of much of my aggrivtion is that I have to be accountable for all my actions, but those in which i seem to have to interact with can rely on the whole oh, glich deal.

Come on people unplug.

So the "F" bomb is swirling in my head, and since the only way I will be able to get it to the right person, I have to text it, email it or leave a message, sigh....it hardly seems worth it.

Get by with a little help from my friends...

Wow, so much just since the last post.
Anneleise's eye thing is not better actually we are in a worse situation cause now she is terrified when we do the patching cause it is very obvious she can not see at all out of the left eye.  She is getting headaches, and is crabby, she is sharp tongued and it is all well very sad and we now have to look into maybe a neuro surgeon for some issues arising from this...it's like this dear child has gone through so many avenues to just develop normally or at least up to her abilities and we found out that we may have been not only on the wrong path but the wrong country period.

Beka....ahhhhh poor Beka.  We have her appointment tomorrow. Thank God.  I pray with all my might that they can intervene, she is a whoa handful, I am leaning toward a ADHA hyper area, she is bright, she is fun outgoing loving...but the child wakes up 60 mph and when she crashes she speeds in at 50! there is a belly hernia thing, and ENT thing too...all which could be causing her to act out.

Atty...ahhhh sweet Atty.  She found her sassy mouth this month.  I mean sassy!!!! but she is always falling through the cracks keeping Beka at bay, and trying to referee that mess...she is just so happy for 5 mins of time...Her legs are looking a little better the knees , ouch those knees, she cries for me t orub her feet all the time, I don't know when we will get a answer on the leg, foot situation but she has this last week become very whiney in a only wants me to sit and hold her whine... but she is so easy going and loveable unless of course she is reporting (a very serious tattler I tell you..)

I am so frustrated.  I want to go to a doctor and they actually look at my children, not a laptop...and listen to us.  Not send us after test and test and test and if they appear normal...give up.  My girls have issues.  Poor Anneleise gets up 5 to 6 times in a movie theater to pee, ever time we take her anywhere she has to go every 15 mins...the child has no fun and when she does she misses out, a culture and urine test that's it. They were normal but peeing and holding yourself for 5 mins after cause it hurts isnt' then to turn around in 15 mins and do it again isn't.

I want to fire every damn doctor we have and find new ones, but I think they are all about worthless around here anyways.

I really need prayers that we can find some trigger that is making it hard for Beka to learn (like don't unlock the door and just go to the neighbors house, don't poor your own milk at night, heck anytime, no means no...seriously don't spit!) I don't sleep but a hour or two at a time cause I feel she isn't safe, she is but what ever she has an idea for she does it, the trickle down effect is getting to the whole family, at times more than I care to share it takes both of us to deal with her behaviors...and I am just broken that the two girls wish it was them.

Anneleise and these headaches are a directly because of the therapy, but she panics if we close off the right eye, it rips my heart out to see that kind of fear.  What if this doesn't work, what if she is blind forever in that eye...

Seriously I wanted so much for my children, I really wish I could focus on more of them and us and not have everything be so incredibly hard.  Tom lives in complete denial. Over everything, even the rain coming down tonight wasn't going to happen cause he said so. 

Please pray, hard that everyone in this house sees what is needed, and the strength and courage to make it work.  Please pray for me who just wants one weekend of family life...no interruptions no one else's drama, no illness etc. just one good week or weekend...after 5 years, it could be just what the doctor ordered.

I am thinking that my computer is thinking about taking a crapola on me, so if I am absent this could be the cause...

I am really scared for these girls.  I just don't want them to go through anymore stuff with no more answers I feel we should have answers by now.

A new intrest, you'll want one I promise you.

Oh my good  yummy ness.

Yoplait light thick and creamy yogurt's.

In the attempt to bust some of these massive pounds I have allowed myself to pack on like I am preparing for a trip to the Artic and instead of killing a whale for it's fat will bring my own...I have found these.

Making fun of the commercial for weeks, I tried some, had a few coupons and Wow.

I relive Charlie and the Chocolate factory every time I eat one, which I will shamelessly confess is often..Like the rick kid licking the berry wallpaper she is in shock that the rasberries taste like rasberries, snozzzzzberries like snozzzzberries...they are, really, that good.

I ate my first one and was like this is freaking good, I hide them from the kids, I talked my hubs into one and now from him...I am the women on that commercial.

The Key Lime is perfect. Refreshing, sweet a bit but a perfect combination of tang and substance.

The Berry Cobbler and Cherry cobbler, seriously there is a undertone of crust, and it is just lovely and no work making it.

The Orange Cream, well a girl has to have a sweet tooth sometimes and well, yum.

The Cheesecakes are very satisfying...

Nothing but good to say with these but they pack a punch in the taste department, for low fat 100 foods they are right up there. The quality has improved since the last low calorie yogurt, there is just enough, that after taste is as good as the first bite. They coupled with a hot cup of coffee or tea, really is a treat.  Odd for being on a diet.

Try one, I bet you can't stop at just one.

And no I didn't get paid to write or review this...but if I did i would take it in yogurt!

100 °C or 212 °F

No matter how you measure it, everyone has a boiling point.

I can, and have, looked at people around me...real life and cyber.  Over the years what sets one's blood a boiling, hardly provokes me to think about it once more than less twice.  However, over the years I have found that what makes my blood boil isn't always that others think about. And being the reciprocial of that has enocuraged the feeling of non-exsistence that I feel in my life.

It has taken me years to even try to figure this thought out, this very large part of me to even talk about it but greater put it into words.

Methodically I have spent the last year dumping junk from the "trunk" so to speak.

I have grown up through the years and become a product of conditional love, conditional life.  There has never been a time where I could have it all, there was always huge trade offs and consciquenses for every descion I made, this has been good and bad of course expected bittersweet.

If I had  to title myself I would be the "Appreciative blessed conditional bittersweet wall flower".

I chose it.  I thought it was the right way to be.  I may have been wrong.  No.  I was wrong.

Because it took Tom and I so long, so much investment, so much mental, physcial and emotional to have a family it owned us, owned me, us...it became the definition of our marriage, of our personality.  Infertility and Loss was but a facet when we were slammed into that wall.  After we stood up and shook ourselves off we were giving the harsh reality of "you are here C...you will never go down this path D to have a child...you can consider this E...or F...G,H, maybe I...you only real chance is J, K and L all of which at this time you can't afford, oh yeah and A and B well were never going to happen anyway." 

So we chilled, briefly.  Tom wanted children our first lost was extremely painful, more than the hopes and dreams were taken from him, from me, from our marriage.

I perosnally felt raped. To have hopes dreams my innocence taken, recorded and dangled over my head was almost more than I could bare.  But. I did. After all I had over come in my life, I think this was the moment that I became broken, fridgid.

I was of massive strong will in those day.  I never had a easy path in any direction I chose.  I as so many say picked myself up, got tough, wiped myself off, and set a course for my family. After all I was the problem, again.

A goal, a plan, a "long term comment" quickly turned into a misson...it was hard, grueling, it was emotionally and physically painful, it was financially draining...We went through our stratigies almost two at a time till we realized we were in for the fight, I was at war...and quickly, so fast I never saw it happen, I went to war with anything, everything  organic or not for my family...the one in my heart.

Much like the grapes of wrath...it was the best of times it was the worst of times.  We won, sorta, we lost...oh how we lost.  But we won. I have set my eyes on 4 of my babies, I have held and loved three till today, I lost our daughter Aubrey. Fourteen days hardly seems long enough for a lifetime of love, but there wan't any choices.  Almost as soon as we were told she wasn't gong to be with us the world shit a life of cards on our table and we (me) had to pick up the cards and play the game, of war that is...

My will power was eventually replaced with an uncanny ability to live within the silver lining to accept anything, anything that was better than the last moment. The first step was farther then where you jsut left, right?  Be strong, don't let them see you weak cause then your on the hot seat to explain yourself, don't be sad you asked for this, dont' be mad, what did you expect, make it look easy cause what did you think...oh the stupidity of people, family...

Bittersweet was my new oxygen.

It took a very level headed person and shook eveything about her, I became so focused, I had blinders on cause I couldn't have it all, I knew that I couldnt even have a few things, for us our situation everything we did determined our misson, everything from jobs, to living arrangments to family to health to living the life we were storing up to share...in the intrem I became hard, lonley, lost in my world...my boiling point went from extreme to tepid waters could push me.  I have found that many times just the tempature of a real live person beside me is enough warmth to rattle me.  My scares are deep, I stay very quite, there is just almost no one who could even understand me cause I can hardly get me , I wanted something so simple so pure, and it wasn't all about babies although it appeared and appears that way...and it is so difficult here in my head, in my heart which has molded and melted into one being. Which now I find is the doer, the caregiver, the fixer...the mechanical robot that doesnt need the sleep as everyone else, the food, the mental health day, the rest when sick, the personal attention, the acknowledgement of what I do although no more heroic than any other person, everyday, my days are exactly the same, I am a time clock...I wake up or get woke up and I do I do till I can't or choose to stop and the next day follows...the world is going right on, and the further behind I get it is getting very quite.

When people ask me insanely rude questions, are nosey are disrespectful to me...I am amazed the things I say.  Instead of the Mama bear I know I should be I am the Female Dragon of the cave, I wear the pants, I wear the bra, I do it all.  I have to, I have been such a master orchastrator through this impposbile maze and  I am about to boil rupture, I see the end the green pasture on the outter edge and I am exhausted, I am sooooooooo weak...I am like Damn people seriously...I want to be carried...like a soilder wounded just short of his bunker...his buddies pull him to saftey...carry him for miles to saftey never once making them feel as though they are a burdeon reminding them that they can be strong for them cause he did so much for them.  Maybe a pep talk, a reminder ofthe courage...

Well here I lay, bleeding open and reaching that end and there is no one, everyones life went on...while I dug with a spoon our path.  Am I mad.  No not really cause I am almost sure at this point in my life if I had someone who would have physically , mentally and emotionall and financially did, do, doing what I was doing...well, ahhhhhhh what a ride.

I guess why chance bittersweet when you can have melt in your mouth gooey goodness brought on a silver platter.

This is just the begining...there is so much more to come.

Another excuse but an important message.

I'm so busy and really just fried, the bad kind not that good greasy hot crunchy kind that when dipped in batter and fried makes anything taste better and if you forget the memories are loaded to the hips, the kind where i have to write my self list and brush your teeth and eat is on them....

But.

If you have a child 2 years old or older listen.

Are you listening?

Get your kid to a eye doctor.  Don't go to the office that has a chart with frayed edges taped with 15 years of tape on it to the break room door.

Anneleise was scheduled for an eye exam because her neurotic mother thought she needed everything but a DNA test for school next year.  Being in a pre K program since she was 3 they had yet to ask for anything really in the health department so I was convinced that this year would be the year...and I am an over achiever hence my epic failures, so she went to multiple exams over the last two weeks.

I let her father take her to the eye appointment cause we have other issues and I do the oral surgeon, the dentist (tom would pass out) and most other, but I though this one is easy...

HAHAHAHAhaahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHa.

Sorry needed a moment to laugh that one out.

Tom calls me and say she has glasses.  ~crickets~
What? are you serious...I am flipping cause nothing with this girl is never easy or simple and crap  crap crap she needed glasses.
Fine well go tomorrow after your off work and get them. ~crickets~
They're done she picked them out.
~No Crickets ~ I Squashed them I ranted OMG You took my baby for her first glasses and you let a 4 year old pick them out!
 I am so stupid at the moment I was wworried about mini Elton Johns and her need to mix Rapunzel Snow White, Bubble Guppies and Spiderman/Scoobydoo I focused on the appearance.
Tom assured me they are cute, but she has to go back every three months cause she has a Lazy eye, not a droopy eyelid.
Fine I cry defeated and let it go.
The glasses arrive, they are cute but huge they fall off the head. The lens in the left eye is thick...like bottles.
~crickets~ gulp.
The tears welled omg again she hasn't be able to see for ever...protect and provide...another epic failure.
Two weeks of ill fitting glasses her headaches red eyes, I get this gut feeling that maybe she doesn't need them after talking to a non communicative husband he expresses that the Dr was snip`py rude and he didn't like him.
I know I know he should have shared that a tad bit earlier like before buying these glasses.
They give us frames that fit, I am happy she is happy.
That gut feeling keeps growing and I look at this little one little eye one huge eye child who appears to have more visual problems than before glasses.
I make a second opinion appointment , my husband made it clear that he didn't care for the exam, that he felt she didn't understand and it was the adult exam with letters etc, and she is 4 and well under pressure...she gets test anxiety.
We go, I take her, Momma Bear on alert.
It's bad, it's worse than we started.
She has no peripheral vision, and her dept perception must be non to barely existence (guess that's why 3 years of OT did her no good for balance and coordination?).
Her left lazy eye is moderate to severe, however he would like to had had a code for just severe he said.
We have a new script for new glasses to replace the 3 week old glasses we have had fixed twice including a repair cause the one lens bubbled like oil and water.
We have to patch the right eye 30 mins a day, she is to wear them non stop only for sleeping and if we have to remove for bathing.
The new script has a Rx for the right eye that dumb doctor1 didn't diagnosis.  With out treatment of the right eye while vision therapy on the left she will most defiantly develop migraines and the left eye will not rehabilitate.
She will go back through the year, nothing we can do, in a year we may be able to do some surgery however he said the best result come from what were doing, our greatest hope is to improve the depth and peripheral vision.

He said that what we can correct by the time she is 7 will be the greatest benefit, the rest of her life will be keeping what we get...sigh.  He said sad thing is that the State of WV doesn't require full eye exams and rarely optical exams until 6 so most children like her end up legally blind by 10, which she will in the left eye if there is no improvement.  Our success and diligence will dictate rather she get s to drive etc.

We have to be careful with no peripheral vision in parking lots etc, bike riding etc.

I am mad, hurt and just broken for this awesome strong takes the punches and rolls with it child.  Who as we speak is talking of her hopes and dreams like nothing has thrown her off track.  Sigh.  She is still so clueless to the cruelness of people.  The pure ignorance.

The message here is don't let people, organizations or councils dictate what they feel is appropriate for your child.  Remember they make a decision based on real need and cost.  Cost always being the greater factor and the need based on the average of children who are affected by this or that condition.

Her vision should have been a crucial aspect of her development and everyone from the pediatrician to the oral surgeon should have at one point considered the eyes...

Thank God I was driven to do this, I pray we have some time for growth and strengthening, of course there is always divine interventions.

Take your child to a eye exam today.

If your child spills their food a lot!, clumsy, trips on steps, hill in and out of tubs, steps up but doesn't clear well, runs into tables chairs that have been there for a while, walls cuts corners short, still can master fine tune motor skills, will just randomly say I'm tired as to divert them self from watching or using eyes....if you don't want to be in these guilty shoes just go do it.

Spell check is only checking half of this post and Beka is slowly eating away at my ankles...another post for later, spelling folks is just not important to me today so consider it a puzzle of sorts for your entertainment purposes.

Seek and destroy. *an opnion soley of mine~no offense to others*

Okay it's all the talk, it's everywhere.

The enemy has been sought out (for ever!) and destroyed.

I have mixed emotions of this.
I am worried that he has simply been removed and the replacement will be 10X's worse.
I am worried that there are more men and women who will live more of their lives overseas in combat than with their lives here in America or station.
I an a little unsure if I believe how the whole thing went down.  As a commoner if I am smelling something fishy, gulp.
I would like to complain, boycott and get on my soap box weekly but always a republican in the past I have found that in the past few years I have become a silent hypocrite. I just want to be safe, and ruffling the feathers of the biggest birds makes me nervous, but, fear has caused too many to be silent and for this I think I should become more educated in this matter and maybe own up to my feelings as I am sure there are many who think like I do...."this sucks, things stink, were sorta falling apart at asteroid pace....but it could always be worse."
I am really ashamed and feel the need to admit openly although I tear up, I pray and wish and support when ever asked to and have shared many heartfelt stories to others when I hear the ungratefulness of them as other fathers and mothers daughters and sons are fighting for our freedom.  I can say that very little of my world has directly been affected short of income and economics but it is a far cry than those of the the service personal in the military.
That is just pathetic.
I would probably spit in my face.
Wow, I owe these people, the families, the solders the workers the orchestrator way more than I ever thought cause they not only kept me safe, they kept me protected so that if I choose to be involved I could but if not they would take care of me....
Thanks hardly seem appropriate, but sorry would be an insult...so as I said, the silence remains when there should not be any.
Thank you political leaders for being so I don't trust you, for being not so clear it worked you didn't make enough noise to reach little people like me, but you did make enough chaos and noise to make me afraid that if wow its this bad, then it could get worse so lets just make this work.
Thank for being the lesser of the evils.

Thank you to all those who would read this.
Thank families, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, pastors, priest for allowing me to be so incredibly selfish...it is truly only something that can happen in America.