In true fashion my children has taken their busy little self outside this weekend. They have fully embraced Springs arrival and as soon as the second eye is opened they are at the door.
The elusive spring clean up list is long and daunting, but I have hope that this year will go easier because the kiddlets have more of an interest in staying outside. We will see.
Have I mentioned that Tom brought home a dog. Yup. I was done with pets when the rabbit was added to our family. I have written and have signed a letter that clearly states...as eat pet leaves in it's own timely manner they will not be replaced until there is a full family meeting in which I get two votes being that I do all the work following the week the newness wears off.
Can not get any pictures up here on blogger, looking into something else don't know what.
I am the poster person for boring.
Although I am psychic.
March 22, 2011
March 17, 2011
And the answers are...in a small novel.
"Anonymous said...
This may be the hardest one, but...how are you? Emotionally, spiritually, physically?
How are your girls?
How is your husband?
What do your day-to-day activities look like?"
First off to answer all these questions with out going into detail does make me feel much like I would imagine if I went in for a mental health exam, which might not turn out so good, but, hey I am game. I thought if you want the "honest this is how I think right now this moment version" well you can read the black type. If you want the RLP version which would occur through a text or one word answer cause that is about all I can get in edge wise read the Blue type.
Emotionally?... I am very strong, I have the ability to be strong, I always have been. Since I was very young I have always had to prove everything, illness, sadness, joy, etc you get the idea. But I can be easily broken if that makes sense. Although I may be broken you would probably never know it. Over the years there is less and less to widdle away to get a reaction from me. There are moments to my emotional psyche and the brokenness usually is when there is me alone in silence and decompressing about the xyz of the xyz time frame. I think over the last 10 plus years, heck probably more like 20 years I have become emotionally numb, I am sure this leads to how I am able to handle things well or not so well some may think because I am numb. I give willingly and desire so, but I receive little...one might call that frigid? I sorta face everything with a internal hope and believe that it, anything I want can happen but as soon I as start those thoughts began the what if's, and could be's and prepare...because they usually happen more than the internal hope and dream thing does and when they do they are not anything like I had hoped and dreamed but tainted fragments. I don't ask for help. I kid but not really that I am allergic. I don't like help, help makes me feel guilty, weak and less than adequate. This has proven difficult and challenged me the most with the bring of two difficult sickly preemie kinda babies home at the same time.
Emotionally?... Combine Florence Nightingale wrestling with Linda Blair from the Exorcist and just a pinch of Van Gough, confused? me to that would break down to be compassionate hell raiser who just happens to be passionate about what she sinks her ear into..
Spiritually?...Humm.
I believe. Period. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus.
I believe enough that the statement above deserved a line of its own. I am learning, I am behind in the spiritual facet of my life. I have issues (working on them!) but I do. I don't believe that my daughter is sitting on a white cloud frolicking and thinking of me. I can't wrap my head around the death and religion. Can we say "issues!". I do believe in evil. Because I am sure that I knew evil before I knew God. I feel you can't believe in one with out the other. I believe in the Devil and the work of his angels. Period. I knew of evil and luckily it lead me to God. That statement doesn't not deserve any extra attention however the devil does make his self very present in my life he glorifies my sins making it almost impossible for me to believe that I am on the right track, worthy, cause there has been just enough obstacles thrown at me that I could have almost wavered (but didn't) and sadly well I was born into the Catholic faith with poor guidance and example and am probably forever confused and scared. I can't find a "home" per sea with my faith... There is a part of me that I just can't find a place for though. It is a physical spiritual place that I can't figure out. Like I know more, that there is a answer I have been waiting to unlock for like EVER...but I just can't get there...
I believe. Period.
But I'm not fully molded yet, I know that . Period.
Spiritually?...Seriously?...you know me right? What do you think? If you were me wouldn't you be too afraid to not believe? Honestly think about it...if I haven't been in the hands of Jesus for 40 (gulp almost 41) years do you think I could even answer this question?
Physically?...That's easy...TRAIN WRECK! I have dealt and overcame various health issues all my life. I was born with a pretty serious birth defect that pretty much dictated the majority of every aspect of my life. Not so much that the defect itself did but the dumb ass people caring for me never listened and never thought outside the box. Years of undiagnosed conditions, and a needed surgery and multiple unneeded ones, drugs and treatments that were destructive and useless pretty much played havoc on my body but the 11 years of infertility wow that rocked this old lady and her lady bits. Over the last year I have found the general grief of loss, the constant battle and somewhat isolation and the constant war, the insensitivity that came from about and through the war, the end of a life transition onto another to be well much more physically painful, destructive, depressing and disappointing than I ever imagine. You have asked this question just about the time where I have walked half way through the valley and although I can see the light, there are many more obstacles before me, however I am aware, very aware of what is on the line at this stage in my life and I have very little time to get on track.
Physically?...That's easy...TRAIN WRECK! Well lets just say if I had interviewed for a job based on my physical over all condition situation. I won't be getting the "Fabulous fit forty mom, wife, daughter , sister and rock n neighbor who loves do do everything... but more like"Frighting forty something looking like 49 ish frumpy slumpy bumpy dumpy mom, wife, daughter, sister and rock n neighbor who can't do anything cause she can't get out of her own way cause she can't walk pass a cookie jar to save her self" position.
How are your girls?... They are growing soooooooo stinking much. We have issues, a lot of health issues. I don't think that there are as many or as severe as they are presenting. I just think we need to find the right doctors and work out a lot of kinks in their over all care. Our area sucks for doctors. That's a whole other post. But I can not believe that they have grown so fast. They are all different. They have each and every everything just split up amongst themselves. I miss the one I will never know. Every day the girls grow and unfold her absence is more difficult form me. They challenge every stitch of my existence. If you are around them they will challenge your existence to. I don't know anyone who they can't make smile. They are a lot of fun, joy but I am not going to lie they make me work for my rewards! Whew do they ever. They actually treat each other with a decent level of respect now, they miss each other, they look for each other they help and watch out for each other. They will however throw one or both under a bus should it be necessary, tattle to the extreme meaning. There was a day, week heck a year where I thought Anneleise having siblings was not maybe the best thing for her, but I think I just might have known what I was doing....
How are your girls?...Hummm oh those two lil gnomes over there and that lil boogie nosed grumpy ol troll? yep...they are all mine. Gems huh? (i say this because someone out of the three always has boogs and is "not feeling well" out of sorts, we always have a troll in our presence and the other two depending on which day who is who well they are these cute lil people who you watch in awe, you turn your back and what...? they're right on you...) My kids are awesome. For me.
How is your husband?... I am not kidding when I say this. He is exactly the same person he was in May 1996 the day I met him. Period. *****crickets***** seriously. This is good. This is bad. He is still here in all this craziness so...I would say he is good in my eyes. Needs to take better care of himself.
How is your husband?...Hummm. remember that troll I referred to above, always one present...some times when the children are in a angelic cooperative place (sleeping) he eagerly takes over the grumpy ol troll in which I don't feel so bad about calling one of my children that since it is obviously genetic. Also he has always said he did not believe in divorce. So as far as him not taking his aging and health serious...that could be his early out to this gig we got going...? Hum have to think about that one.
What do your day-to-day activities look like?... For fun I am going to dedicate a day to writing down a full day from the moments I lay my head down and open my eyes to start the day to the next time I lay my head down (which by the way doesn't happen in the assumed same 24 hr period) and that will give you an idea. I long have longed for a while a real schedule but there is always a drama of some sort unfolding, medical, appointments, eating issues, family, food allergies I feel like I am just getting to a place where I can hold them responsible for not cooperating. Where one of their needs can be diverted to rationalize so we can focus. We have had days when I could figure out pain levels , breathing abilities...not able to communicate, my children have been preliminarily diagnosed with every horrible disease known in the pediatric field only after a slue of test and specialist to say...Oh great false alarm!...pure craziness. Scared the hell out of me.
What do your day-to-day activities look like?... I would be afraid of being accused of plagiarism cause if I reiterated one of my days, then another you would swear you were hearing the blurb to a quad feature horror, comedy (only the day after is this stuff funny though) fairytale~ish medical drama. All in all in the end it's all Gooooood. After bedtime.
There you go.
Whew. As long as I am being honest here it took as long to spell check than to type!
That was a lot especially being that you didn't even leave your name.
So now that I wrote all that my followers will either "leave me altogether", call 911 or come back for more "cause dang she can write the longest sentences I have ever tried to read!"
Do the math I have two followers. There will either be crickets, lovely and humorously supportive tales and comments or the police at my door...
Whew to Ewwww...I feel a little violated right now.
This may be the hardest one, but...how are you? Emotionally, spiritually, physically?
How are your girls?
How is your husband?
What do your day-to-day activities look like?"
First off to answer all these questions with out going into detail does make me feel much like I would imagine if I went in for a mental health exam, which might not turn out so good, but, hey I am game. I thought if you want the "honest this is how I think right now this moment version" well you can read the black type. If you want the RLP version which would occur through a text or one word answer cause that is about all I can get in edge wise read the Blue type.
Emotionally?... I am very strong, I have the ability to be strong, I always have been. Since I was very young I have always had to prove everything, illness, sadness, joy, etc you get the idea. But I can be easily broken if that makes sense. Although I may be broken you would probably never know it. Over the years there is less and less to widdle away to get a reaction from me. There are moments to my emotional psyche and the brokenness usually is when there is me alone in silence and decompressing about the xyz of the xyz time frame. I think over the last 10 plus years, heck probably more like 20 years I have become emotionally numb, I am sure this leads to how I am able to handle things well or not so well some may think because I am numb. I give willingly and desire so, but I receive little...one might call that frigid? I sorta face everything with a internal hope and believe that it, anything I want can happen but as soon I as start those thoughts began the what if's, and could be's and prepare...because they usually happen more than the internal hope and dream thing does and when they do they are not anything like I had hoped and dreamed but tainted fragments. I don't ask for help. I kid but not really that I am allergic. I don't like help, help makes me feel guilty, weak and less than adequate. This has proven difficult and challenged me the most with the bring of two difficult sickly preemie kinda babies home at the same time.
Emotionally?... Combine Florence Nightingale wrestling with Linda Blair from the Exorcist and just a pinch of Van Gough, confused? me to that would break down to be compassionate hell raiser who just happens to be passionate about what she sinks her ear into..
Spiritually?...Humm.
I believe. Period. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus.
I believe enough that the statement above deserved a line of its own. I am learning, I am behind in the spiritual facet of my life. I have issues (working on them!) but I do. I don't believe that my daughter is sitting on a white cloud frolicking and thinking of me. I can't wrap my head around the death and religion. Can we say "issues!". I do believe in evil. Because I am sure that I knew evil before I knew God. I feel you can't believe in one with out the other. I believe in the Devil and the work of his angels. Period. I knew of evil and luckily it lead me to God. That statement doesn't not deserve any extra attention however the devil does make his self very present in my life he glorifies my sins making it almost impossible for me to believe that I am on the right track, worthy, cause there has been just enough obstacles thrown at me that I could have almost wavered (but didn't) and sadly well I was born into the Catholic faith with poor guidance and example and am probably forever confused and scared. I can't find a "home" per sea with my faith... There is a part of me that I just can't find a place for though. It is a physical spiritual place that I can't figure out. Like I know more, that there is a answer I have been waiting to unlock for like EVER...but I just can't get there...
I believe. Period.
But I'm not fully molded yet, I know that . Period.
Spiritually?...Seriously?...you know me right? What do you think? If you were me wouldn't you be too afraid to not believe? Honestly think about it...if I haven't been in the hands of Jesus for 40 (gulp almost 41) years do you think I could even answer this question?
Physically?...That's easy...TRAIN WRECK! I have dealt and overcame various health issues all my life. I was born with a pretty serious birth defect that pretty much dictated the majority of every aspect of my life. Not so much that the defect itself did but the dumb ass people caring for me never listened and never thought outside the box. Years of undiagnosed conditions, and a needed surgery and multiple unneeded ones, drugs and treatments that were destructive and useless pretty much played havoc on my body but the 11 years of infertility wow that rocked this old lady and her lady bits. Over the last year I have found the general grief of loss, the constant battle and somewhat isolation and the constant war, the insensitivity that came from about and through the war, the end of a life transition onto another to be well much more physically painful, destructive, depressing and disappointing than I ever imagine. You have asked this question just about the time where I have walked half way through the valley and although I can see the light, there are many more obstacles before me, however I am aware, very aware of what is on the line at this stage in my life and I have very little time to get on track.
Physically?...That's easy...TRAIN WRECK! Well lets just say if I had interviewed for a job based on my physical over all condition situation. I won't be getting the "Fabulous fit forty mom, wife, daughter , sister and rock n neighbor who loves do do everything... but more like"Frighting forty something looking like 49 ish frumpy slumpy bumpy dumpy mom, wife, daughter, sister and rock n neighbor who can't do anything cause she can't get out of her own way cause she can't walk pass a cookie jar to save her self" position.
How are your girls?... They are growing soooooooo stinking much. We have issues, a lot of health issues. I don't think that there are as many or as severe as they are presenting. I just think we need to find the right doctors and work out a lot of kinks in their over all care. Our area sucks for doctors. That's a whole other post. But I can not believe that they have grown so fast. They are all different. They have each and every everything just split up amongst themselves. I miss the one I will never know. Every day the girls grow and unfold her absence is more difficult form me. They challenge every stitch of my existence. If you are around them they will challenge your existence to. I don't know anyone who they can't make smile. They are a lot of fun, joy but I am not going to lie they make me work for my rewards! Whew do they ever. They actually treat each other with a decent level of respect now, they miss each other, they look for each other they help and watch out for each other. They will however throw one or both under a bus should it be necessary, tattle to the extreme meaning. There was a day, week heck a year where I thought Anneleise having siblings was not maybe the best thing for her, but I think I just might have known what I was doing....
How are your girls?...Hummm oh those two lil gnomes over there and that lil boogie nosed grumpy ol troll? yep...they are all mine. Gems huh? (i say this because someone out of the three always has boogs and is "not feeling well" out of sorts, we always have a troll in our presence and the other two depending on which day who is who well they are these cute lil people who you watch in awe, you turn your back and what...? they're right on you...) My kids are awesome. For me.
How is your husband?... I am not kidding when I say this. He is exactly the same person he was in May 1996 the day I met him. Period. *****crickets***** seriously. This is good. This is bad. He is still here in all this craziness so...I would say he is good in my eyes. Needs to take better care of himself.
How is your husband?...Hummm. remember that troll I referred to above, always one present...some times when the children are in a angelic cooperative place (sleeping) he eagerly takes over the grumpy ol troll in which I don't feel so bad about calling one of my children that since it is obviously genetic. Also he has always said he did not believe in divorce. So as far as him not taking his aging and health serious...that could be his early out to this gig we got going...? Hum have to think about that one.
What do your day-to-day activities look like?... For fun I am going to dedicate a day to writing down a full day from the moments I lay my head down and open my eyes to start the day to the next time I lay my head down (which by the way doesn't happen in the assumed same 24 hr period) and that will give you an idea. I long have longed for a while a real schedule but there is always a drama of some sort unfolding, medical, appointments, eating issues, family, food allergies I feel like I am just getting to a place where I can hold them responsible for not cooperating. Where one of their needs can be diverted to rationalize so we can focus. We have had days when I could figure out pain levels , breathing abilities...not able to communicate, my children have been preliminarily diagnosed with every horrible disease known in the pediatric field only after a slue of test and specialist to say...Oh great false alarm!...pure craziness. Scared the hell out of me.
What do your day-to-day activities look like?... I would be afraid of being accused of plagiarism cause if I reiterated one of my days, then another you would swear you were hearing the blurb to a quad feature horror, comedy (only the day after is this stuff funny though) fairytale~ish medical drama. All in all in the end it's all Gooooood. After bedtime.
There you go.
Whew. As long as I am being honest here it took as long to spell check than to type!
That was a lot especially being that you didn't even leave your name.
So now that I wrote all that my followers will either "leave me altogether", call 911 or come back for more "cause dang she can write the longest sentences I have ever tried to read!"
Do the math I have two followers. There will either be crickets, lovely and humorously supportive tales and comments or the police at my door...
Whew to Ewwww...I feel a little violated right now.
March 14, 2011
Under the thumb.
So I came seeking blogging topics. Not because I don't have a million thoughts of my own, but they are intertwined among other thoughts and events that at the end of the day they are hardly something I can sit down and blog about. Write a book, maybe but not a one post wonder.
So being that myself and Anonymous sees the lack of interest in this cobwebbed webbed blog I guess they felt that they could ask 6 questions that pretty much encompass my life. I am laughing because I think this may be the problem with me...nothing is simple and one blog, one post or for that matter one word can not answer these questions. The answers have different facets and they shouldn't. So I will think on this one, I promise to answer but didn't expect to have to think so hard on it, so....sigh...I will think and tell tomorrow.
Anonymous said...
This may be the hardest one, but...how are you? Emotionally, spiritually, physically?
How are your girls?
How is your husband?
What do your day-to-day activities look like?
So being that myself and Anonymous sees the lack of interest in this cobwebbed webbed blog I guess they felt that they could ask 6 questions that pretty much encompass my life. I am laughing because I think this may be the problem with me...nothing is simple and one blog, one post or for that matter one word can not answer these questions. The answers have different facets and they shouldn't. So I will think on this one, I promise to answer but didn't expect to have to think so hard on it, so....sigh...I will think and tell tomorrow.
Anonymous said...
This may be the hardest one, but...how are you? Emotionally, spiritually, physically?
How are your girls?
How is your husband?
What do your day-to-day activities look like?
March 13, 2011
Questions?
Would anyone be interested in asking me any questions....there is so much i want to blog about but can't decide where to jump off at?
March 11, 2011
A Bang!
I think there is no other way to restart my blogging than to take today's vent, rant discovery and postpone it to reflect on the list of current events.
I think today I want to ask for prayers for the world. We have major crisis in every plain of existence. I find it sad, scary, I find it dishearten. I have guilt to the gills in my self centeredness. I have grown to hate the "silver lining" that I have before me almost daily, I find myself picking apart the wrong and not embracing the good...
Although here in my little cave of West Virginia I have not watch the ground open up, my house float away, my children stand in utter fear...
As broken as I have been...today I see the ultimate "silver lining" today, I know that I have known pain, I have known disappointment, I grief. But truly I don't know suffering.
I think today should be prayer. About seeking peace, hope and salvation.
I think today I want to ask for prayers for the world. We have major crisis in every plain of existence. I find it sad, scary, I find it dishearten. I have guilt to the gills in my self centeredness. I have grown to hate the "silver lining" that I have before me almost daily, I find myself picking apart the wrong and not embracing the good...
Although here in my little cave of West Virginia I have not watch the ground open up, my house float away, my children stand in utter fear...
As broken as I have been...today I see the ultimate "silver lining" today, I know that I have known pain, I have known disappointment, I grief. But truly I don't know suffering.
I think today should be prayer. About seeking peace, hope and salvation.
March 10, 2011
Im coming back, I promise.
Really the pure insanity of it all...you wont beleive it but it is all true. crazy madding and funny and the not so funny. I am heading back here. I miss my blog so much, it made me a clearer person. silly? you will see.
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