Whatever.

Not to be the Debbie Downer, but really the past few days have just been...whatever.

I am not a big fan of Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana but the damn song "The Climb" has been going over and over in my head...

I feel like it has become sort of like my theme song perhaps my life ever go to screen...

I am so very lost in life. That I don't live. Make sense?

Well if it does, let me know and help me out.

There are just too many takers in my life. It makes me very sad that everyone in just wants me to give a tad more so that ...well thier lives are just better. Sure I say.

Keep climbing on my back like a monkey...after all that green witch on the Oz had to collect that flock of monkeys some how right?

So watch out peoples...I have been collecting monkeys for a very long while and as soon as I find me some ruby slippers...I'm out of here!

Time up, time out?

So it is very clear that Beka has been less then a happy camper as of lately. She has gone through periods of this on and off for a while, but over the last few weeks she has been pushing the envelope.

Yesterday I got the playpen out the travel one and when I put her in it for time out she cried when I took her out then the other two fought to get in too! She hang on it for hours until I put it away yelling Time UP! Oh dear sweet child you got it, time up on this crazy primal train!

I'm not a real hokie about a lot of things but I'm very seriously considering the culprit "gummy treats"!

Seriously she got a ton of them and she is addicted to them. I have been reading a lot up on the whole autistic ADHD diets and there is a lot of correlation to food dyes and typical behavior. After I looked through a few days of her eating I noticed that she is just loaded with them and since Easter she has been given them in copious quantities...my bad.

SO today she is slightly less "primal" than she was the other day and we are 3 days out with almost no food dye...

It is a test, this is a test by the world wide web public and mental health department. I have googled and searched some causes for these manners of hers, so if it isn't going to be something in her diet, and we have gotten her sleep under control...then well I will have to admit that it just maybe, possibly could be me...and how we are dealing with these episodes...which I will admit when some (many) of them occur I am shocked and react.

I am a reactive person. One of many of my flaws. But much like a young teen who grows up with their babies...Ol' dogs must learn new tricks too...so when I tell her that this is going to hurt me more than her...we'll I won't be over reacting, finding balance here is painful for me because I just can't figure this out, but I do think that I am on to something. The diet along with her final five teeth who are just bulging and taunting us with their presence.

Isn't she just the sweetest?

Yes, this is a trick question. And sort of a multiple answer questions...I guess the correct answer would have to be an essay...or maybe a trilogy written through her life.

My hope is that when her life is all done on this earth, there will be more good than bad, more love than hate, more happiness and grief, more sweet than sour.

I am hopeful that this can happen being that she is choosing right now in her life to get her experiences with bad, hate, grief and sour...

Seeing where this is going?

Yup.

Out of bed for 5 minutes this morning and she attacked, she yelled , she threw and she tantrumed.

Oh sweet Beka, I know with all my heart that there is this amazing smart bright happy and dear child in there...please , please I am begging you to release her and let the demons be gone.

If you can't do this for me your mommeeee....or your daddeee could you have your first unselfish act and do it for Atty and Anneleise. Please.

Negative.

CF negative.
Whew....

2 of our children down...wonder when they will throw this ball at us for Bek.

Makes me want to just do it on my own to get it over with.

There just maybe some hope for the weekend.

Seriously. Who am I kidding.

Becasue how do you make a post out of this stuff?

• 48 hours out from testing and still no results, even after the suck uppy nurse at the Drs off promised me she would get me the CF result that night.


• Grrrrr and some!



• Have been contacted by the fraud department that there is excessive use of our ATM card.



• Received two phone bills in the mail (cell) and they contained nothing but international phone calls, not our numbers but all our info...even social!



• Beka has 5 teeth the final five...and she is less than pleasant, friendly...well frankly she is horribly mean and very aggressive.



• Atty has been screaming every night two hours after going to sleep...I say reflux...they are determined to find some organic horrific disease...



• Getting 15 ~ 80 pds bags of mulch delivered in the am...only to find out that Tom is working this weekend!



• Double grrrrrrr following the last bullet.



• 36 days till our 8 days in the Happiest place on earth and the savings account is just dwindling at a record pace.



• Last night found out that there is total ant infestation in our shed out back...WTC?



• Set off a ant bomb and well should have really read the whole direction insert first...now I have a sore throat and if I'm lucky all my hair won't fall out!



• Found out yesterday that our freezer time is up for our 3 embies...cough up the cash, implant or have an abortion...triple grrrrrr.



• Anneleise continues to be doing awesome on the potty, about one accident a day usually revolving around poop or sleep.



• Anneleise has become a great big sister to Beka, Atty well so so.



• Did I mention that Beka is like breaking western of anything and everything in her path, no patience or at times a shred of kindness...she open hand slapped me last night, and dumped three cups of water out of the tub as she stared me down.



• Woke up this morning I swear with 500 grey hairs...


• 1 year with no fertility drugs on board and my body has decided to go bonkers.


• computer keyboard is all sticky and every other key doubles the letter and I'm done fighting with it!

A prayer for Brennah Atlynd Brooke.

SO~ I get a phone call yesterday that tells me that they got Atty in to a specialist for her lungs and cough and it is May 5th. However that after reviewing her films and records they want her at Hopkins in the morning for some test. We are getting a whole host of things done but again we are being thrown into the Cystic Fibrosis pool.

You can buy me for a nickle tonight. We just did this with Anneleise in January. How many negatives before we get a positive...God I hope not.

Our daughter Aubrey passed of a defect that has been compared to CF. It is more common to have what Aubrey had than CF. However our odds are not great after having a child with what Aubrey had vs the history of our miscarriages and pregnancies. Of course being that I was treated like a village idiot during the first year of Anneleise's life, we would have known these things prior to having Beka and Atty if we really knew where we were in this horrific crappy life of IF, infant loss and pregnancy loss.

So~ in the morning I load Brennah up, along with my mother and we go to Hopkins and for 24 hours my stomach will turn, my heart will sting, my muscles will get so tight they will cramp, I will have to remind myself to breath. Al the while I will support Brennah, leave my girls Anneleise and Beka behind thinking that things are all good (you know life's a party!), let Tom go to work and not worry, hope I can pull this off and Atty not have to go through to much and more than likely support mom as she throws out stupid hallmark card statements and tries to convince me that she has endured everything I have gone through and this is what a parents live is all about. Of course I am sure I will have to dodge some insults and jabs as she will be crabby from getting up so early and I'm sure not eating and taking her meds right...

So! pray pray for all of us I'm not a gambler, but I can't help but feel like I have a unscratched lottery ticket in front of me and I just don't want to scratch it...but I guess I will.

I am so tired of finding the silver lining, making the best of things, being strong, fighting for proper health care and advocating for my children when these people should do is out of desire...

I have this horrible feeling about this journey. I pray that this isn't premonition, motherly instinct...I don't like the feeling of having my children on borrowed time.


So if anyone reads this...Pray that dealing with these wonky legs of hers is all we are looking at.

Good news is that Aunt Ellen and Joe just may be down to visit at the end of the month and boy o boy will they be in for a surprise...the girls are just growing like crazy (except for Atty of course) and wild, I'm sure it will be good for a laugh or two.

The ship is leaving at 9 am...to destination..."to be announced later".

Becasue.

I'm happy today.

I know WOW!

I'm happy because only for hygiene reasons have we had to change Anneleise's pull up for three days.

I'm happy because as we were shopping yesterday for things to pack for our trip, Anneleise asked to use the potty every time...and not obsessively.

I'm happy because Atty has ate a huge breakfast for the last three mornings.

I'm happy she has entertained other meals.

I'm happy because for the last week Anneleise and Beka have just played and played, but last night Anneleise played with Atty a bit (very short bit) and she just laughed and laughed.

I'm happy because like 10 things came of our list on the fridge, the list that taunts me like having prickly heat in Georgia while the dog days of summer.

I ordered like 15 bags~80lbs each of mulch that will be dumped on my lawn next weekend so the outside will be getting a face lift too!

I'm happy because I finally got my bangs cut and they were the longest I have ever had, however my over all hair is almost the shortest I have been in a while...

I'm happy because with very little effort...I lost 3 lbs this week. This just goes to show you that emotions are worth their weight. What has been resting on my shoulder , in my heart has weighed what felt like a ton...not really a ton, but you get it...and just beginning to dump it is already showing itself.

I'm no expert in this area but I definitely think "thinking" that I had to be tough, strong and brave and thankful and appreciative always supporting those who I felt I wanted support from, forcing myself to do and say things for the greater good, just dealing with IF, pregnancy and infant loss just caused so much damage. There are emotions, feelings you are supposed to have, people who feel that someone omitted those because they are such troopers are wrong. I think it is because they just don't feel comfortable around them to do so, hence just bottling them all up and like a fine champagne waiting for the day someone unwraps that prestigious wire cage from it's cork and BANMM. I seriously doubt anyone would have ever unwrapped my cage, our family tends to lend it's self to planned conversations and we are totally into avoidance and we most definitely avoid any unpleasantness. But I on the other hand, won't do this anymore. my life, my health is on the line so I will deal and go through this as most and many do.

Doing the math. A Pardon. Spring, sprang sprung.

Well not much to report here on this front other than Easter came and went in holiday true fashion. Easter eve was spent in the ER with Mom, she was admitted for chest pain, is fine and discharged during Easter dinner the following day. The elusive bunny came and dropped off a ton of candy which is now in a large bag on my counter that is hidden from the children as for they react to large amounts of candy and to be honest 3/4 of it they can't eat.

There is almost 30 eggs in my fridge. Looking for creative and tasty ways to use 30 hard boiled eggs.

Our grass is about as high as the snow was deep this winter. The list of Winter and spring clean up was posted on the fridge this morning, it is two pages long. errrrg.

I woke up yesterday just clearing the baby blues recently to remember that in 4 days I will be...gulp...41. Enough said.

Woke up today with a short but somewhat difficult list of things I want to accomplish from myself before my half birthday in September...difficult because I believe that they will be all stress and emotionally driven obstacles that I will need to conquer.

The first of things losing weight. I have struggled all my life, but lets just say, PCOS, years of infertility medications, multiple stomach surgeries, bowel surgeries and well of course this winter has been hard on all of us. I don't weigh on the scale more than I have ever weighed, but it is in different places, my energy is zapped and well frankly I look fat and old, and not the fat and happy kind of fat, just lumpy and bulgy and gross.

My mother while traveling with me on a appointment for Anneleise to Hopkins this week informed me that I always look like I'm cleaning house...that my old haircut was cute, but now I look old and it's stringy and she can see every wrinkle in my forehead with it this way, and hold on if I would like to try Nutri System she would pay for it for my birthday so I could loss the weigh since I have had Atty and Bek....

No.

I didn't slap her simple, because well she is already is.

I hate more than anything anymore the statement that being a mother, becoming a mother or the antics of my children are too much, not desirable, more than I bargained for etc. When honestly I won't lie, being a mother, a very lucky SAHM is harder than some would think...I find that once I put on this hat (metaphor only!) being a friend, a wife and daughter and sister much mcuh harder, Maybe because for so long I was more to them and when we finally became parents, a mother, there is less of me and well that isn't enough, or just me feeling I can't subtract me from the old equation an I feel the need to increase the surface of me to contiue to provide for the ratio of me:them in the past. Whatever, my children are what I don't need a break from, it is all the other crap.

I did let it go, shouldn't have but did because well sadly she is all I got, so.

But today this morning I have decided that Anneleise will remain our child, our first born...a glimmer in my eye. Let's just say she received a pardon, and I believe that although she went down and is traveling a much harder winding road, she has relinquished control and accepted her sisters, and the idea that potty using is her hardcore future. We are 5 times already this day and only one accident in the pull ups, they are as I speak playing Ring a Rosie, laughing and Atty who tries to avoid even the slightest eye contact when the duo are entertaining each other is mocking them and laughing.

Ahhhhh....for 1 minute and 51 seconds there was a bright light of hope and happiness before my eyes.

Then with all I have I will welcome April. Hate April. Anneleise and Aubrey's pregnancy fell apart in April. Aubrey in most sense of the word died that month...I continue to age and it is celebrated in a warped depressing way every year, and the yard labor began.

Like the flowers, the grass, the smell of fresh dew in the morning and the sting of hot air in the afternoon, my husband, much like the bears and the snakes...grumble and hiss as they are awaken from their long winter slumber.

I guess we will need a serious thunderstorm this year to wake everyone up because from the general conversations with folks alike...we all have had a very long winter, spring sprang...then sprung and here we are staring summer down like a cat ready to pounce.

SO. Since we are given another chance to renew life, as Easter closes...am I the only one that needs to pick herself up and wipe herself off...?

I guess this post would require comments to actually be interactive and since commenting isn't what this blog is about, leave it on the shy...really your opinion and comments could make a difference in this stagnate SAHM life!

Because really if you didn't see it would you beleive it?

Atty is just a clutter lover. She can't play unless she surrounds herself with stuff. When she gets into books she wants all of them off the shelves...on her behalf though she does sit and look at them all for a long time. So if I had to have it any other way this mess is better than her not wanting to look at a book...ever! Then there is these two. Beka and Anneleise well what can I say. The two together are just trouble. They are the double in trouble. I have asked Anneleise to help with some things concerning the girls not because I need her too but she lacks a bit of the desire to nurture and well um like her sisters, so I thought things like helping them eat and dress would be fun...This is how it ended...

this is how it started until Anneleise of course felt the need to be a dog. They barked and everything.

Then Beka. See those little green boots. She wears them all the time. I have more pictures of her in these boots and naked than I care to admit. They are a must have for when she is playing kitchen. So I'm thinking that maybe she is going to be a chef or something. No matter what where ever she works, when the *hit gets deep she will be ready to roll up her sleeves and keep going...or this could be a sign that she will be the one who shells it out. The later would be my guess right now.

My girls are just growing leaps and bounds, everyday they pass by is just going faster and faster. There is just a hint of infancy in our house almost all erased. I find myself just internalizing the end of a lifetime of all I focused on...to the present the tangible the future of what I am afraid is the unknown. So I have become aware that these little critters of mine are developing at a record pace for me and if I want to be part of it at all, if I want to learn all the ins and outs of their little developing minds...I must, I must step out of the clouds, the haze the funk, leave the sadness behind, the what if and could be's...stuff down deep and make room for the future that I never ever ever thought I'd have.