Don't you wish?

There are times I wish I wore one of those video cameras attached to my forehead. Really it would lend a lot to explaining so much about me and or even my life.

It would explain just maybe why I am always tired.

It could explain more than likely why I am happy more than not that Tom is only home with the children 3 days a week.

Why I am so stinking tired all the time.

Hahaha, why I repeat myself.

Just how many tasks I can multi task.

And probably the biggest reason and my most remorseful reason. I am missing million, millions I tell you of America's Funniest Home video clips that would surely win us some college fund money. Hell if I stay on the track I have been on this last year...we could buy our own college. Which maybe something we may want to look into for our children...being that one doesn't follow our directions and I am positive will be going to college in pull ups, one refused to follow any directions and the other is a tattle tale and a lounge lizard. However in their defense they are all under three so I must remain hopeful...wishful and well you guys have my take on miracles, but why not, that they will rise to above these obstacles and in fashion move on to something else.

"Why do you think these things" you ask?

Humor. Gotta have it, gotta live it or else.

Here is a just a glimpse of a chance for great video.

Set up.
Babies have been pushed to their limits, bathed, beds changed, cups filled, toys picked up and while I am straighten up I figure lets just wipe down that ceiling fan.
"Done"
Tell my husband "Wow, I can't believe how messy their floor got over the last couple of days you know I should really run the vacuum real quick, you know how the mornings go...."
Hub goes and retrieves the vacuum (new one Orek, lovin' it so much!).
I picked up the second round of toys thrown out of the toy boxes and corral the kiddlets while I vacuum. Turned on vacuum and "WHAT THE?"
"NOOOOOO"
"What the freak?" I can't decide at the time if I am more upset that my new vacuum just broke or is this just the sign of more sister karma on her way....
Enters hubby to the rescue,"Have you changed the bag lately?"
"Huhaaa. crap...no I forgot we had a bag system now, crap we don't have bags do we...?"
"I think we got one with it."
This brilliant person whom I will refer to as "myself" took it apart while the hubby was getting the bag, he walked in and all I heard was......
"Beka Elizabrh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo....varooommmmm"
Seriously. Beka turned on the vacuum. I can still here the laughter in air. But then I couldn't see anything, so really what I heard is all I remember.
Need I paint the picture any clearer? Bag vacuum half on half off still plugged in to the wall. The twinlette monkeys going bonkers after our second round of "lets go night-night". Freshly dressed, bathed and clean beds and a rarity...a cleaned turned on ceiling fan.
It isn't pretty, it wasn't nice, it was like watching Groundhog Day all over again, and again.
They have gone to bed since the event, they are cleaned, breathing treatments, the beds are cleaned, the bedding is washed, we are clean and as for the floors...
Did I forget to mention that we didn't have any bags and I ripped the one that was full to the gill with the hair of three giant shedding cats?
So because I was multitasking, and failed miserably, the hubby had to get to the shed out back (in snow that looked to be still knee high on a 6'3 ish man)for the shop vac, back and rough clean the babies room.
It only took seconds and I, we , will pay for this for weeks. Atty's lung development has slowed lately and she started barking yesterday anyway.
So really, now it is funny, a few hours ago, not so funny...hubby not really found any humor in this yet, but I am sure he will one day.
The day may be when I have to threaten him to laugh at this stuff or else I won't wipe the scrambled eggs of his face.

I can't find my cell phone this evening either, talked to my sister then it just disappeared. Humm, another reason to wear that camera...To find missing things.

Because what is home with out ...

2 Trolls. Today is Anneleise's day. And she wants everyone to know it. I guess I should go ahead and make my post for tommorrow. Because if everything happens as it has been for the last year, at midnight Anneleise will return to her happy high energy self and Atty will consume the roll.

Blast from the not so past...

Starting my digi scrapping I came across this picture, for some reason it just cracks me up. To this day when we talk about what to get Atty and Beka rather it was for Christmas, Easter etc...Anneleise replys "Sheep".

I always said that I wasn't going to force them to always be a "group" but for the life of me it just makes me giggle and I cave in. It, this is just one of the rare occasions when I was able to get the three of them on board with something. Just thought I'd share it...guess you had to be there but Tom and I really did feel like herd dogs that night.

Have I mentioned?

That this sweet child that we prayed for, that we love to through and through, that I would go to the ends of the earth for...

Is a undercover Troll, who lives under a bridge.

Today is one of those days, her day...and everyone is goin' to know it!

Update.

We went.
It snowed.
We shoveled.
It's negative.
We shoveled.
We are feeling half full and half empty.
It snowed.
We shoveled.
We are going to an infectious control doctor.
It's snowing.
We are shoveling.
We are seeing an oncologist in two weeks.
It's going to snow more.
We are going to be shoveling for at least a while.

Guess I should be praying.
I don't think I ever felt so much like "why bother..."
Did I mention that it's snowing?
Did I mention that it's going to snow a lot more tonight then this weekend?

Really. This is all I got. For now.

Maybe I was wrong...gasp!

So in my moments of gloom and doom this week I went back on the thousands of pictures of my children that I have taken over a period of their short lives and every once in a while I see one that I missed before, that for some reason, although adorable of course the first time I saw it or the thirty third time, stood out this time and had a different feel about it.

Obviously this one speaks volumes that occasionally calmness and quit times (well this is just short of a miracle in its self) can happen in our house...humm I'm just sort of wondering where Anneleise is?

Seriously a home with multiples never gets three children setting down at one time then to get a picture of it too!

*FYI: no child was hurt, threatened, restrained or even hypnotized in the making of this photo!

Lets hope and pray...

That just like this picture everything is smooth sailing...

*FYI I did not dress her this is one of "Sarah Anneleise Klaire's favoritest outfits" gulp, says Anneleise.

Stephen King...who are you?

Well we got two dates for testing. Febuary 16th at 9:45 am or tomorrow at 9:00 am.

Since I am going up the wall I choose the one for in the morning, the bad weather isn't supposed to start until noonish~ then I caught the latest weather up date and I here...

"Folks It's going to be the storm of the Century so to speak..." and they expect it to start around 8 ish here in our area with ice first then saying we should see 12 inches in the next 6 hours...

So who is Stephen King, a prophet, a poet, a novelist or someone who just happens to write a good movie with quirky titles that haunt you forever...

errrrg.

Okay God I get it, you don't take threaten lightly...so would you go for a bribe? maybe a homemade angel food cake by chance? After all we are getting enough snow I should have time and since I can't sleep while I am awaiting the impending doom that has been looming over my head for the last month, it is the least I can do.

Because things can get worse...

We are waiting on the appointment to take Anneleise for testing...

Because one child with a fatal birth defect and some, stupid country OB's who kept telling I would grow out of this "miscarriage deal" 13 times, Atty's extensive (really horrific) ortho surgery this summer due to malformed legs/knees in utero, Anneleise whole life since birth complications from a phlagiocephally and torticollis left untreated too long (idiots) hasn't been enough to test me!

Hold on for this.

Cystic fibrosis.

Yeah, I am falling apart at the seams right now too.

They haven't done the sweat test yet but there are other tests since she has been sick that are all pointing there. Can't decide which evil I want (because she will have to have something, that is how our lives are here in Whitney's World) the CF that she is leaning towards or the small cell cancer which although is slow is usually fatal by the time it is detected.

I'm sorry did someone just suck all the air out of the room.

I would ask for prayers, but really I'm sure this whole mess (my preferred choice of words) has already been decided and one again I'm just going to survive and take what is been dealt, and I say dealt because I'm sure I never stood in the line for "continuous heartache", well then of course since I was not looking for it and it was beside the "wants a simple life, left alone" life and when I dropped my keys I fell into it....hum that must be what happen. Well as I siad we'll get through this too...

and another one of my children...might not.

*************INSERT FOUL MOUTH, HOW YOU REALLY FEEL HERE ****************

Crap, shit, damn and lets just throw a fuck fuck fuck in there too.

Yea, I did...

Against everything I knew that made me whole, against everything I knew I could handle and not...

I did it, I watched "A Duggar special delivery..."

I go there, I don't know why I go there. I do not know why I get any pleasure in watching the show 16,17,18 and now 19 and counting.

A person who has struggled with getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to birth a live child and even have a child come home with them, in general this show is just well off limits.

It can take even one of the strongest faithed person and frankly give them the dribbling shits.

But honestly I felt drawn to it. Lately my mental state about pregnacies no more for us and the death of our children has had me in quite a gloomy and cup is half empty place.

For the record, I know how very lucky, blessed and grateful we are to have our lil' girls...but I guess in my healing I really need to have this tantrum. And to be honest it really is just that a tantrum.

Why me? Why my babies? Why weren't all 13 of my miscarriages worth the life that 13 of the Duggars got to bring home? I prayed, hard. I begged. I stood on my head, I did everything I was told. I moved away, I went to the best. Many babies with Aubrey's condition survive. Why did I have to give up every other dream I had to just have my children, why did we follow a path to financial destruction to get here? How come my heart had to grow so hard, how come my marriage has suffered incurable damage? How come some people can shit fairy dust and others raw sewage? Really I question my faith at times like this...all I can conclude is that God is not a Democrat. He obviously doesn't see that if he just gave everyone one, no one would be hurting, in despaired. I guess he felt I needed a bigger hole in my heart to let him in... I know people who have truly had some terrific miracles...and let me honest in saying why? why them? I know two situations who were just down nasty, liers to me and my family, but atlas fairy dust surrounds them.

Any how a tantrum like that can go on for hours, and it can get quite ugly so I will stop myself there. I do really want to believe that God provides for my family, that he wants no harm and will make and do the best for me and my family. But this really leads me to a question that I have always felt in my heart. Worthy? If is God is making lemonade (my life) out of lemons( what my life is destined) then damn...I think I'd like something else.

My heart is heavy with much pain, disappointment, hurt and general sadness. There has not been one event in my life that wasn't a struggle, hard work exhausting to the point that I was numb by the time we got there.

Watching that show last night was good in the sense that I saw concern, worry and at one point Jim Bob said " we have praised the Lord through the good, and he choked up when he said so now we have to praise him through this difficult thing..." clearly he was very distraught over the reality and the severity of what was laying ahead of them for his wife and thier unborn child, who I have no doubt they yearn for and love.

What kind of person gets any satisfaction seeing this from someone. But I did. I made me feel a bit better of myself. That even though he said those words, and that it was clearly obvious that Michelle Dugger was praying contiguously in the background while he was talking...it made feel good to know for a moment they have a idea how my life feels.

So to say that I'm happy there is a micro preemie born to this family or any other is not what I am trying to say, I guess I'm trying to say that I just don't know where I am with all of this.

I'm mad, I don't have any choices and as much as I know with all of who I am right now that I need to drawl God closer to me and surround him in my life...I feel sort of concerned that I'm just not worthy of his best, that I am capable of handling one of his show stopping miracles.

He had his chance with Aubrey. He could work in Atty's life to correct her legs for her instead of making her suffer and get concussions and bruises weekly, he could ease Beka's breathing problems...he could embrace Anneleise and help her with her speech and her plagiocephaly. But know he will give me just enough strength to survive, barely hold my marriage together, and be a satisfactory mother, a semi-supportive and loving sister and aunt, and well lets just say I'm not even a nice and attentive daughter anymore (after all shes a mother she get its right?)

So here I am, the babies have had no sleep and they are screaming and even this thought will be put hold but I guess I am questioning...

What do you have to do, be, what star do you have to be born under, who does your parents have to be, where do you have to go to church, who do you have to know have praying for you to just one day feel the warmth and know that giving him your heaviest load that day your not in for some kind of tortuous underling lesson that in the end because you merley survive it your that greateful.

Maybe I am being mislead, maybe all these people, bloggers, reality showes, neighbors, family and firends well, maybe they are just trying to beleive that they are this blissful, that life is jsut this perfect.

Me well, I have had to take too much medicine in my life and well that spoon full of sugar really only does help get it down.

What is your take. Grief, I'm dealing. Jealously 9yea this is what some of it is!) I get that I'm not entitled to everything my heart desires. But what I am afraid is that I'm bitter and could I have picked a bigger , greater object to reflect my bitterness on...God.

Wow, I sure know how to open a can of worms.