Excitment.

Got almost everything ordered, bought and here for this birthday party that will take place on Saturday. My heart won't be in it, my heart and my mind will be in Rockville, in Shady Grove delivery room, reliving this day over and over. Trying to capture and remember all the things that took place that day. I will savor it like a fine coffee and a big o;' whopper of a chocolate cookie.

Really, I finally freed up the cash and the excuse to blow 12 bucks on cookies, that I don't need while trying to diet, err ah, lifestyle change.

After all the searching and ripping my world apart, I realize why? If no one else is complaining, then why should I.

Would anyone care if I close this blog, really why waste the time if no one is listening?

Wham, Pow, Bamm....

I feel like every step I have taken over the last two weeks have been like a comic book. Seems with the turn of each corner there should be a puff of cloud above my head saying Pow, Bamm, Whamm.

I have been here before, I know what I got to do. I don't think I should have to do this, but I will have to put myself and my family in seclusion. The whole thing about codependent people and self destructive people and dysfunctional people is just wearing me thin. Maybe not thin because the weight and post c section disfigurement is a issue of my own, but I think I am becoming a dysfunctional person. I don't think so but I feel like a carcass that the buzzards have picked dry, I think they left a beating heart, cause I feel some pain, but I just can't invest anymore time in this nonsense.

I can't fix you, you are broke, fix thy self. I am a busy mom to three very busy kiddlets, a wife to a very neglected husband, a daughter to a very deserving needy mother, a sister to a sister that i yearn for more time with, a neighbor to better neighbor than I am and much , much more. No where in my daily or weekly hat changing for that matter am I anything for myself, and rarely anymore do I find myself devoting any of anything I got to the lord.

This is not good. I have been so very blessed. I am ashamed that I could even find the words and thoughts to write anything otherwise. As this week comes to a close Sunday my babies turn one. We went from barren and broken to bountiful and blessed, we had great doctors who cared for our whole family. We faced inability to suck and eat, diagnosis scares such as blindness and c palsy with Beka, we had heart issues, severe reflux, marathon insomnia/crying and temperature incompatibility with Atty. Our little one Anneleise has endured going on three years in 3 weeks times of of mouth, neck and jaw problems all the while bringing us so much joy that we yearned to add to our family. We are given peace for our children lost. We aren't homeless, we have not gone hungry, my children have not wanted for anything, my husband is here with me and is part of our family daily, my list of things that I have forgot to be grateful for and blessed with is much longer to type out. After spending the day feeling overwhelmed, I think it was more like wallowing in self pity, much like those who have taken from me, OMG, I have become like "them", I saw my problem, I am blessed in such a bountiful way that I have become prideful and greedy,to say that my faith although may sound shaken has been restored, energized so to speak.

"Why", "How" you ask?

The lord has provided for me in times that I forsakes him. In times I took in pride and glee. But today in reflection I know that through him he has provided me with the strength to find my way back. Now, I never really left but I have allowed the many, many real (non cyber) people take from me, if I was wearing my faith and the knowledge of the past, I would have knew better, so they have taken what I should have saved for my family, the lord and myself. I have always felt unworthy. This is a whole other post. But I give way too much of myself then render myself defenseless . I was running on empty this morning, but this afternoon I received a kick in the kiester from the lord.

Something very eye opening being surrounded in a funeral home by 10 of the most emotionally restarted (not in a mean way but a true state of inability to communicate, have sympathy, empathy and courage to face fears) people. Like the tunnel at the end of a long highway I blanked out (probably fell asleep, I'm so tired) and it was very apparent that these people, all their problems they lay on me, maybe they don't mean too but they do, once they dump, I take them over, I worry, I fret, I try to fix, help and encourage. I see the good in them, I have to work hard, maybe too hard. This also takes from myself, maybe they just really are incompatible with my personality, my take on life and living.

My mind feels like it's telling me to gear up for a mental marathon. I should not have to, I won't this time. I will however wear my armour and reset my priorities. That is the thing I love about the lord, forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing to a person who can't shake that feeling that they are not worthy.

Sorry to mislead you friends, the grass is greener, well green enough for me on my side of the fence, your welcome to visit, and I will share but please no grazing.

And yeah there are spelling mistakes but perfection isn't all it's cracked up to be so really...I'm just tired.

Emotional and mental wreck...

The title pretty much sums it up.

Mom's mortality is on the table.
Funeral for a young untimely death.
My last babies will be one and I'm not ready for this.
90% of the baby things are gone, and to family so I get to see them for another year.
I have a tooth ache. Or a sinus headache?
Our new van needs work, get the price Monday.
Every child has therapy this week.
Brennah is hardly able to walk and we are waiting RVS results.
Anneleise is crying that her legs hurt "really bad" and she is drooling like a bulldog at the dinner table.
Beka is getting greener by the day (reference snot)
Randomly discovered that about 12 projects that should have been done a year ago should be done before party, but won't.
Gwennie, the favorite cat (Anneleise's favorite) is on her last leg if she claws another thing, well not her last leg but her last claw, i don't want to but I just may have to de-claw. She just won't stop.

Now I will stop whining and get back to work.

Really.

Is karma such a bitch that she doesn't want me to smile?

So Beka is up all night oozing green goo from the nose area, being it was all over her face every time I went in to get her last night I have to assume it was the nose...then Anneleise woke up crying. She was persistent over and over "Momnee, me teeth fall out (repeated with tears ten times a minute)" At 7 am it was already 76 degrees in the house, the main valve on our water line finally took a crap and we had no water for the better part of the day. Trying to throw these kids a birthday party with no time to get anything done. All in all a typical day until...

My husbands aunt called to tell us they found Tom's cousin in bed dead.

After I caught my breath I felt ill. Drugs. Drugs and addictions have just destroyed this family, it has broken strong relationships, torn apart sisters and brothers and now a small child with no father and he just a kid himself. Pure shame.

Just a very sad reflective day, sort of mad my world doable being that anything I did today I could fix if I screwed it up, this young man can't say that.

Wow, my shoulders are getting heavy by the day.

Humm...

Today consisted of:
News of pending biopsy creating one adult woman pretending that she is fine with it leaving one adult playing the cat on a hot tin roof game and I suck at it.
Anneleise cried of a belly ache all day, is a bear!
Mouse was massacred in the kitchen, the dinning room and the playroom last night leading to two hours of bleaching and cleaning.
Need brakes on van.
PCOS has returned unannounced and greeted me today with a vengeance.
Woke up to the nightmare that CHOP called and wanted to know why I left my baby there.
After paying bills the girls birthday party is going to happen on a dime and I feel they deserve what Anneleise and Aubrey had, but tis the cost of siblings and family.
Hit my right knee in the same dag spot so many times to day I can hardly walk on it.
My daughter dropped her "krumpes" (the best donuts ever in our area) and she very clearly announce " Oh, me god"....crap I try so hard not to use words like that around her I swear she is sponge, is there anything else she heard inutero that she will be whipping out on me?

Is is getting stuffy in here?

Man I need some air.

Getting ready, getting set...I'm scared.

You got it, I'm scared.

I rarely admit that I am afraid of anything, over the period of the last 10 years, admitting you are afraid, scared, nervous or having second thoughts would imply your wrong, your made the wrong choices, reinforce "I told you so" or label you weak. All of which I am not, other than I have had and will have my fair share of bad choices.

But here today. I will proudly stand and shout from the roof tops.

I'm scared to potty train my child.

Seriously.

Anneliese is a smart cookie. Sharp as a tack. She could have done this 8 months ago, but there is line that has to be crossed with her, she is much like a stallion and occasionally needs to be broke before she will learn something. Also there is her delays from her birth. She is above her age at many things, very on track on a lot but emotionally she is a bit behind and I think this is because her speech took such a beating with the plagiocephaly.

Regardless, I have not pushed it because I am really afraid. I can stare a tantrum down to a purr but not a turd on my couch.

I stink.

So this week I will search the Internet for advice, clues, hints and ideas. We will start on Saturday.

Her diapers are falling off, she is too active and getting too big for diapers, she needs to make this step for herself too.

So pray for a lot in my life right now. But seriously again, pray for the potty fairies to wonk her on the head and brainwash her that the potty is good and the diapers are yuck, she has just told me this morning that the "potty is yuck, it stinky", in her defense it does need cleaned so I will accommodate this request.

I would love to hear some ideas, tips and even see some pictures of charts. Why don't people leave me comments, it would be the first time someone in my life doesn't feel the need to share thier two cents.

How can a college graduate, a medical career, a fearless warrior in life be afraid of this. I think I'm afraid I will make the situation worse and she will fail and I will be the cause. I can't let Tom do it or she will be peeing off the deck, or behind the shed in a jar. (just kidding, well maybe?)

Remeber feed me, I am feeling really needy this week.

To add to the pot...

Just the other day I was so...ugggh.


Not sure what the deal is but I'm working very hard, always use every minute I am awake to get things done, any "play" time is from the hours of 12 midnight to around 2 am, but still I feel as though the list of "things" is getting longer, and bigger and more difficult.

Today I sit and stared, why bother. Frankly no one other than me cares, and I am the only one who is happier when I'm done. Tom could care a less what our house looks like, he makes no demands.

Just when I think that I can't stuff another thing in my brain to digest, I am again tested.


My mom had a repeat mammogram today and they did a ultrasound. Now by her the "suspicious area" is huge, I don't know personally but let me just say everyone in our family has died of cancer pretty much and we are just all are just pretty much just waiting for the test to find it. It is the one thing that sets on my shoulders that I will never shake, my death , you know.

That being said she has been on medication for many years, many of which I personally don't approve of but it is her life, not mine and after all I'm just her daughter.


That being said, I'm really concerned about this, this stage at her life. I don't think she can handle these things anymore. Last night we thought we would ride to a local mall just to walk around and try to get "it" of her mind and on the way she wrecked her car. Since my dad has died it has been 5 years of chaos and disorganization for her, she just can't get her feet back on the ground, so I do know that she is in no shape to fight cancer. (period.)



Let me be selfish for a moment. This sucks. My children already have so few in their lives and my mom is their only maternal grandparent, they have my sister and her son, and they have the only aunt and uncle we have ever had. That is it. If something would happen to her Anneleise would remember for a while but my babies wouldn't.

I find this thought very challenging because I feel that Tom and I are all they got and frankly I feel so unworthy of them that some days I'm sad for them that we are what they were given for parents. I feel like my job as a mom is twisted that I need to prepare them to be "orphans", the dwindling of our family just shakes my own mortality, like turning 40 didn't.

I miss my dad, and my heart aches daily for him to be part of my life. Honestly my heart aches daily for anyone to be part of our life.

Well because this isn't enough my niece is screwed up, partially because of her childhood, partially because she grew up way too early and SUPRISE life isn't that party and fairytale that she was lead to believe she deserved handed to her on a platter.

I am setting here helpless, with only a prayer in my hands everyone needs so much help but just trying to wrap it around my head gives me a headache, lord knows what would happen if I tried to work through some of it, so for now I will just stuff it, stand on the head of the monkey and push it way down along with the pain of Aubrey not being here with us, the shock that my babies our last are turning 1, the pain of dealing with this garbage can of left over life is moving faster than I can keep up with there is a day I will have to deal with this, it is starting to interfere with the real life.

i felt like this a time or two before, my dad died in a week, the other I was 5 months pregnant with Aubrey, she died 14 days after she entered this world.

I just started talking about the potty and this is what I walked out of the bathroom to...

What the? Honestly maybe if I wait just a tad bit longer I can just get the three of them over and done.

Since Wednesday.

Since Wednesday we have...

Anneleise has started to get her two year molars...yeah...not.

moved the house completely around.

finally finished the deck.

moved about a room full of baby items to the shed (can't get rid of those stinking things)

Went though every toy seeing if it is safe for the babies, Anneleise never ate things and still is good with her toys, these two are like goats! no paper, no stickers, no strings, nothing sharp, hard, etc....

got a mouse, not a pet a vermin.

started with migraines.

took Atty and Beka to ER because Anneleise laid a gummy fringey bracelet on the floor that I have no idea how she got and one of the two ate it, well half of it. Now thinking that Atty bite it off and ate some and threw the rest down for Beka to scarf down (great they finally share)

After 4 hours in xray thinking that Atty ate it but Beka is showing more signs.

Waiting for the neon pink pieces to appear (in crap! yeah your right)

Two very unhappy gassy babies, guessing digesting latex is painful.

No sleep because I'm afraid of a bowel obstruction, and regurgitation and choking.

Mowed twice, pulled up all my dead flowers.

Cleaned and rearranged the 100 toys in the back yard.

Found out we need some major plumbing work, like a whole main line and valve.

Rabbit has hot spots and is scratching it's self silly, well siller'.

Note that eating, sleeping and showering was not on the list, tonight the girls have a fever. Freak'n great I guess we will be at the xray dept in the am.

Made Ortho appointment for Atty , ENT for Beka both on the 28th. The girls one year (yikes I'm flipping out and sobbing uncontrollably this week over this) is August 4th, however so is Anneleise's testing for speech and delay school.

And to add some excitement... some family is plucking my only, and one and only stable nerve.

But not all is lost, the last two night the girls have sleep thorugh the nite, finially staying down at 9pm and getting up at 5 am.

Ahh.
Sucks sort of because I can't sleep worring about them, wonder if this is a latex induce thing.

This is dedicated to Nannie.

See me see you Nannie?

See me with my "color" mud? Emmmm, it smelt good, and I used my fishy sponge, my hair even turned blue!

Because my mommy loves me so much Nannie she shared my red licorice. Actually she ate most of it but that was okay because she was riding the wave of stress yesterday so I shared. Sharing is something new for me, I don't really like it but I do it.

Mommy took a picture of me making my necklace and watering flowers with my shark can...but oops she didn't save them so no pictures.

Thanks so much Nannie for my box of fun stuff...

"Me go see Nannie now..."

Random thoughts putting off the the reality...

i love just watching my girls...


even when they are doing nothing...



or talking about duck poop...

wish i was here...

wish he would just slow down on the pooping!

wish she would stop disappearing...

if it is a tight spot, she has to get in there...as you see happily...

then there is my little kiddlet who likes her world in a orderally way. Did I mention that it is her way!

sx

No picture for this one.

So Anneleise has been climbing over the babies gates which I may add are all over the house, and this morning no different than others she falls.

Well, maybe this morning it was a tad different than others because today when she fell she grabbed her head and said "oh cap!", "cap,cap, me hurt me leg!"

Once I am thankful that she has some serious speak issues because she would have said crap, not cap, although now I have to stop that because if we said crap this morning, then I'm sure it is a matter of time before we say something else.

Can't get her to say thousands of words, but profanity, she getting it on...my bad, I say crap all the time, so I will take the bullet and hope that I can control the tongue and guide hers to another word.

Crap.

When you ask for a smile...you get this...

Really big...


Really cheesy...



Or you can get this...

Can you see the difference?

So we put Beka down for a nap, teething is taking a toll on her, she took a lot of naps, short but she needed them so we let them happen even if it spelled out a late night for me. So we gave her bath early, after all doesn't every girl like a hot bubble bath every once and a while to make you feel good?

Beka after bath before her nap....

Beka after the nap...obviously an inch or few longer. No more bubble baths for you Ms. Beka!

B~Day!

Happy Birthday Keaton!

We love you kid, hope you know this.

Wow, was just thinking this morning that three years ago you were getting ready to go with us in to Philly with your mom and I waiting for Anneleiese and Aubrey to come, I'll never forget our late night drives to the hospital and all the window watching...

You made that time in my life a lot more bearable, and memorable. Really could our room have gotten any blue'er?

See you later, maybe soon.

Love you Aunt Whitney, Tom, and the girls...

Teething?

Help, Beka is in bad shape this morning.

She isn't eating, doesn't want the bottles or cuppies to touch her top gum rip, she is falling everywhere and has sleep for 4 hours this morning after a small stint of playing...did I mention that she is a tad mean!

Anneleise had a really hard time of teething, took forever but didn't get like this, Brennah was horribly whiny for 9 days then bamm...

Beka will be one this month (whole nother post of disbelief) and has her two lower fronts only...

sharing the view from here and there...

Our view from the room in Ocean City this week...our view today is not nearly as nice:{


Anneleise taking a break from feeding the ducks, the fish and her sisters corn feed.



Another new obsession. Ducks.




The girlys are interested too, especially Beka.

Razz...Razzamatazz the new addition.

"G" and her peeps chilling at the beach...

Brennah Atlynd being aggressive towards her goldfish crackers.

Beka the "self feeder"

Brennah, just being Atty.

So this is it today, Beka is teething ~ it isn't good here, Brennah has stopped eating and Anneleise is super duper whiny, too much stimulation and conflicting emotions over the potty training thing (my guess) not looking forward to Monday when Tom goes back to work and she goes through Daddy with drawl but normal must reign. I can hardly complain because as of this morning I know two families that will be sending their husbands off to serve our country.

Both of these families will have to create a new normal while their husbands, fathers are absent, many first, holidays, illness and scares these women will have to face alone because we live free.

Maybe today we could just for a moment be more thankful that we have these freedoms, that there are these service men who carry the loads. I'm ashamed to say that many days go by that I am oblivious to what is happening in our world, that a mother loss her son, a child her father, a wife her companion so I could remain oblivious...

Maybe we should be more aware.

Maybe we could just stop the madness.

Can it ever end again?

freaky computer chopping up my pictures....

this is as good as it is going to get Nannie, our computer is wonky today, must be the operator.