Where am I?

This is not the deep thought post as to who and where am I, that I could have written but literally where am I?

I don't have a clue where I'm going but since my last post this is where I have been...

Brennah to the Dr.'s, on a scavenger hunt for all white sandals for the babies(no small task), car inspected, car oil change, cleaned out the shed (even bigger no small task), grocery store, car cleaning bay wash, birthday party, swimming party, mowing, gardening, one sick screaming baby from 12:30 pm last night to 4:00pm this morning...reflux! again, back worse whatever it is it stinks, packing, packing the car, cleaning the house, 9 loads of laundry because I had to drag out the 17 month clothes for Beka, helped an Aunt pack her car for a trip, oh yeah and tonight at 5:30 pm because I am not already a nut case and spend every waking moment that I'm not caring for the kiddos cleaning....

we got a rabbit.

"What!", you say.
"Ahuh..." as my eyeballs smack together.

I don't really want to talk about it, not sure how it will work, I'm a little, well a lot worried about the rabbit in this household. If fish could talk I'd have you ask them but they cant' so as their advocate, the owner (Tom) has been less than good to them so this rabbit needs to impress me and get me under her belt being that in about 6 weeks her total existence will rely on me...a bit sad but factual. Anyhow but we leave in the morning for a little two day'er at the beach and on top of finding car care, fish care we now got some rabbit care...

Thank goodness for neighbors, I have to say I got the best so when we get back we have to get the bunny basic going and learn that.

Funny thing is that we focused on this for Anneleise but Beka loves it the most she is crazy when she sees it, not sure the bunny feels the same. Would offer you some pictures but the camera is packed so it will have to wait till we return.

I have for the record put my foot down...NO MORE PETS till everyone including the father to this brouhaha pees and poops in the right place and no messes!

This includes the hermit crab that I was thinking about this week.

So wish me luck. Vacation...Take II.

A moment of salvation.

So yesterday we had a lot of whine, hold the cheese and this morning dash of salvation here and there.

So Annleilese takes Atty's hand while they are sitting in the window and shows her how to "pat, pat" Libby our small cat. I just made me giggly all over, I taught her that away, she remembered, then the fact that she was so gentle with her was awesome, I really haven't expected too much of that from her.

So then later that evening she goes over to Beka as she is setting on the floor and takes both hands and holds her head. Immediately my guard goes up and I am watching, and what does she do?...kisses her! I kiss her like that all the time.

Let me just bask in the wonder...words right now will just spoil it.

Speaking of space and the moon...

Houston we have a problem.

Really Brennah Atlynd Brooke is not sleeping, therefore after countless days of this she isn't eating now, taking a bottle, playing, or for that being happy. Honestly I have worked in the hospital for years, and she looks like a druggie baby, but I am being told she "teething" (my mom's favorite), her reflux is rearing again (the dr's), dunno (yup you guesses that is my husband the rocket scientist guess...) I don't know really and I don't care I just wish I could help her, she looks so sad and helpless, she has lost weight I know. Feeling inadequet has been on the menu lately this is not helping, I just hope I am doig right by my babies and being the mom they need me to be. Of course if she isn't happy I'm not sleeping or happy and this is adding to the confusion, although I'm happy just getting worried.

Uhhhmmmm.

The link to my new chunky monkey blog is broken, ha...haven't even used it yet and it's broken. Not a good sign.

You know if I could meet certain mythical, out of the world beings and slap them around...it would take me a day.

Mother Nature, the Sand Man and most defiantly I would open a can of whoop hiney on Mr and Mrs Karma. If you are wondering why there are a Mr and Mrs...? Because Karma is too cruel to be a man, most likely this is done by a Mrs. got loved scorned women and lets be honest we can pull some stuff out if we need to and Karma is persistent , illogical and mean so there has to be a male mixed in there somewhere.

Like the word hiney? My daughter told me today she has a booboo, when asked the location she said..."momma, I hurt me hiney, ouch!" she walked over got a drink of my tea and announced...:Momma, me hiney feel good."


Oh to be a child again ...
Strike that, I barely lived through it the first time, not chancing it again.

Walking on the moon.

Not the song, not the game.

The actual walking on the moon took place 40 years ago, yesterday.

You know your old when your older than the first man walking on the moon.

You know I had to walk to school in the snow too....

UGGGGHhhhhh, this isn't going to be good.

By the way Brennah slept for 3 hours last night from 8:30 pm to12:00 midnight, up every hour from there on and threw in a few Beka's because she woke everyone up in the house, hence why there is not a new blog link for my fatty patty butt...

So if your older than the first scoop of dirt on the moon, really should I set myself up for trying to become a healthy and better me, or just roll over and let people poke me with sticks?

I'm so very tierd this morning I just don't know how I can get us out for a walk before the humid sun hits.

I know gotta do it.

Diary of a mad fat woman...

So the first full day of summer has gotten here and I'm freak'n huge.

Really the winter, the stress , the grief the new normal and the end of a era...well lets just say that the scale has only changed a bit (lie...a lot) but the shape of my body has changed about as much as my life has in the last three years...

I had a plan to get on here and write this WoW! post that would move the earth, but then as I dresses the morning I realized that if I simply jumped in place I could accomplish that. Move the earth that is...

So tonight I will open a new yet another blog. It will contain excuses, confession, and support for me and anyone else who thinks they need to improve themselves. Of course I want to lose weight and look better, but my ultimate goal is to change the mental fog from and just be healthy and more energetic and whole. So if you wana' go on a magic carpet ride then hit Disney's Aladdin ride, if you want travel to the center of your psych'e hop on it might just be fun.

There will be very few boundaries on this blog, however nothing mean to anyone will be tolerated. There will be no tracing or research of who and what enters the blog. And if you participate I would appreciate that you leave a comment with a great healthy tip everyday. Together we can teach each other some tricks and feel great faster than we thought it could happen.


I will post the blog tonight when I get a chance to make it....

Small steps , big hurdles. Room for improvement.

Non violent play.... See Beka waiting patiently off to the side?

Finally 6 ounces out of a cup!

Finally swallowed 5 ounces from a cup!

Again non violent play!

Can we say three moments of non violent play!

So for those who look at this and say big whoop! that is all, I say yeah, it is a big whoop!

It has been 6 weeks of trying to get these lil' critters to drink from a cup, I have taken from their college fund in order to purchase about 20 cups trying to find one that suites. In true fashion to them, they have different preferences depending on the time of day and what is in them....really these two little girls are much like the DiVinci Code...

On the sleep front, can I get a few prayers in this department. Personally I hate when my babies start sleeping through the night because that is a special time that I get to just cuddle one and give them some love and just stare at those precious faces...but with Beka and Atty it hasn't been a lot of this, because they have been getting up still every two hours and they are getting up about 15 minutes apart so I still feel as though I am on a marathon even when the sun sets. I will continue the race, and love every minute of it, I will remind myself that I worked so hard and had so many people help get these miracles here with us and try not to complain but I am getting worried that their development is getting effected not to mention their personalities are stressed being that they don't sleep more than one 4 hour stint in 24 hours. They have a very low tolerance before they melt down.

It will be a sad day they sleep through the night, because they are so much further ahead than Anneleise, that other than diapers, I am afraid will be the last of those little baby things I have left, other than the foot locker of all their "first things..." Uggggh!

Answered prayer?

So if you history my blogs, you will see that often I pray for the knowledge to do something with the energy that my mind and my mouth have, compared to the physical and mental energy I have had as of lately, I have prayed this one a lot more.

So I'm thinking that I have a answer, and this is it.
Nothing.

I really have nothing to say, worth while, and I'm so very mentally tired and just about every person in my life other than my three children are driving me nuts. If I had to split them into groups, 1/4 are nuts, a 1/4 are lazy, a 1/4 are selfish (maybe more but who's judging?) and the other 1/4 are just being stupid ( one word description of the list of issues and idiotic things they do and say).

I really don't like when things get like this, you know the feeling? the one when your the only one right anymore....


Well, I know that isn't the fact so I will reserve this to the answer of the prayer...

Silence.

Wonder if I have been directed to silence, or am I just so fried that I got me nothing...?


Hummmm.

Photo update and obvious intervention.

Late night trip to Walmart.

In a very calm and polite manner I left the house at 12:30am last night (sorta today, but) and came home at 4:00 am this morning, I have in my possession 2 disc, they were in the middle of the bucket and in another order.

After about 3 hours I really was very angry and hurt and in tears. I just threw my hands up and said, "crap!"

"Well, if god wants me to have these he will have to point them out to me I just can't do this," each pack of photos, disc was like salt in the wounds.

No joke, I got up to find the nasty employee who got the tote out for me and I looked down once more in the box. and like a light shining on these two envelopes, I saw a very familiar name on them. I giggled at the sight of this being that the person and I aren't of the best of friends actually I really don't care much for them at all, but thought to myself, well I will take their pictures and call them and let them know that I found them and if they wanted them to come get them. After all, try to be nice right?

So I picked them up and lo and behold there were two of my six disc in there, between the two packs.

Dag dawg! God is good, he always does something like this for me when I am on the verge of being mad at him...

So two isn't six but there are three pictures of me holding each of my girls that day and one of together...more than I ever had, and I won't ask for anymore.

As far as I am concerned the matter will be closed, however I may still go look from time to time.

Anger management.

Want it, need it, gotta have it.

I'm very angry.

I am guessing that it is as the babies birthday is drawing near. There are a lot of reasons, the biggest is that they are just growing up too fast. I can hardly, well I can't remember those days we first got home. Then right around the corner, we celebrate Anneleise and Aubrey's birthday, 3 that alone is hard. If the girls grow up as fast oh, dear. Then dashing off to acknowledge and figure out a way to embrace my daughters death.

You know maybe I'm not angry, maybe I just need pain management.

How can things, event, times in your life that bring you so much joy and happiness be tainted with the pain and inject sadness.

My body is a cruel vessel of politically incorrect and down right not funny humor.

As I sit here pouting, my sweet Beka is laughing at me.

No time to feel sorry for my self today.

Super Hero...or something like it.

MPT and Toy R Us made for a fun and happy weekend, after a hour of play with the Super Why? at Toy R Us we realized that Anneleise has taken a huge interest in the show Super Why?


It really is interesting that she has taken to this show, however I know that it has helped her learn her letters and improve her imagination...I recommend it, however I am far from scholar material. My child watches way too much Tv. Since the twiners got here I have had to use it as a tool for many reasons, but for those who are cursing and cringing, I try to be selective.




I don't know about you, but I sure slept better knowing that I had a Super Hero in my house.

Complicated? No quite simple.

You left today.

I felt as though I hadn't grown up yet.

You were supposed to be here.

I'm glad your suffering ended.

I hope for everything that your in heaven.

I miss you more today than four years ago.

I hope you watch over me.

I hope you hold Aubrey in your lap everyday.

An appointment with a man.

Monday, I have an appointment Monday with the manager and he will be calling his regional for a confrence call conversation.

I have the thumbnail logs that they printed off of what was supposed to be on the disc. Because I was so very busy and overwhelmed with everything at that time I just put the packs on the compture desk in a pile, knowing that one day I would be printing and getting scrapbooks together.

Im in great prayer and hope that we can get at least some pictures of the small little thumbnails on the reference log.

I have been told if not there isn't much they can do.

I asked the manager if he had children, he said yes. I asked you got pictures, he said yes. I told him to go home and ask his wife (assuming?) if he could give me his children's baby pictures at their birth being they lost mine. After all all babies look the same right......(insert being a smart butt)

He says he understands, I asked him if he had trouble getting pregnant and if they have every loss a pregnancy or buried a child. He said no. Then i told him, you'll never know how much they meant to me.

Then he found enough testosterone to say.
I'd probably looked at them before 8 months.
I told him that I would hold on to my response when we had our meeting. I most surely will be bringing all the dr bills hospital bills and Tom's off work papers to back up my explanation of why I have very little time to set and reminisce, being that the present was just as busy.

I also will remind him that I have had to return (with receipts) three time the formula we bought from there because it was outdated.

I have to let this topic rest or I will surely stroke before Monday.

Please just say a little prayer that I control my tongue better than I have today and that I say what I should , when I should and what I should.

Oh yeah, this is good they have a flipping box that is about the size of a large tote of returned disc and pictures that I can go through....

Walmart SUCKS!

This deal is so bad and so is my language, it is very not child friendly and I'm sure they will make a facebook prayer group for my mouth once I finish the whole story....

by the way have I told you one of my biggest faults is that I may be a verbally violent person who can tear you a new metaphoric ass in a matter of seconds...I try to put my best foot forward here being that one day my kiddos may see this, but today is open game!

Okay, that was the nicest thing you will see from here on about Walmart. Today I will condemn all of them, maybe once the sting of a whole group of incompetent people smacking me in the face and stabbing me through the heart subsides I will just loath our local refuge for idiots....

I took like hundreds of pictures of our daughters Beka and Atty when they were born, this was a luxary that we didn't get with Anneleise and Aubrey. I have 4 pictures or so of Aubrey. Anneleise was hours after she was born. I really worked hard to have this for myself after the ruptured dream of having anything normal with pregnacny and having babies was stolen from me many so many years ago.

Probably because the idiot lost like two disposable cameras of the girls birth and never found them I am a little, no freakn' furious still, then to find out what they have done today just.....ahhhhhhgggggggh.

Since I took so many pictures of the girls I didn't want to print them off and have no where to store them so I just printed off the ones I wanted and had archives discs made, and paid for this service I must add. Well they gave me the little thumbnail sheets (I paid for too) and I looked at the ones I printed off and the thumbnail sheets and stored the disc safely until this after noon as I was getting the girls birthday stuff in order and what the hell is on the discs? Some group of freakn' drunk ass half naked yahoo with tattoos on on everybody part the ytook a picture of at some concert acting like they are animals!

NO BABIES!

There may have been some made in those pictures but not mine.

Again my thunder stolen, I don't have any of the normal baby pictures so this means the last picture I have of me holding my girls is last month, yeah freak'n almost they are a year old and Im like 55 f'n pound bigger looking like I have had no sleep for a year...

Oh there is so much more that they did but I just have to stop of I may brake the computer.

Needless to say I have a meeting on Monday with the manager at the local Walmart that employees these careless who obviously are not proud of their work. I have suggested that the manager make arrangements for the regional manager be there or be on conference call for the meeting.

Oh there is so much more.

I will starve before I patron that stupid store again....I will starve you hear me Sam Walton!!!!

12:58 pm

Not that this time will mean much to anyone other than me...but for me it means almost 10 months of hard work and tons of tears, there has been much begging and pleading.

But enough for now let me share with you the finest day in the history of the Priller family.

Everyone is napping. Together, at the same time, like I can poop and not wonder who is attacking who, fighting the toilet paper monster (aka Anneleise)....ahh.

Love my monkeys...all of them so very much, but I am going to go eat lunch close to lunch time and drink a big ol' cup of coffee...and it will be warm from start to finish.

Ahhh....the finer things in life.

Missing you.

Shortly will be the anniversary of my dad's death.

Not a lot to really theorize. He is gone. I miss him. I miss him very much this year. He should be here, he should have been here, his life was stolen from us. I guess if I look many good things came from our dad leaving us when he did, but I would much rather had him here with us although I would have to question if my daughters would be here because he was alive.

My dad's death the first of many changes for me. My heart aches every day as of lately that my children don't have a grandparent. Well, a grandparent like my dad would have been to them.
Anneleise would have loved to follow him around the yard and help him fix things which he did all the time. I think he would have gotten a kick out of Brennah, although I am sure he would have agreed with me that she will be my handful. Beka would have melted his heart with those eyes, like she does pretty much everyone.

He would have been proud of the father that Tom is to our children. Tom has faults like everyone but he loves his children, maybe too much, but I like to thinks so. Honestly Tom didn't really have a father figure other than his grandfather so dad sort of stepped in those shoes in the areas that Tom had no clue about, not like held his hand just simply by example.

I would like to think that my dad would have been proud of me, the kind of mother that I am, but that I will never now and I won't kid myself to think that if he was alive, I would know. Compliments and positive encouragement was not the suite of our family dynamics, if you weren't in trouble then you assume your doing fine.

Growing up was a lot like blogging. Sad metaphor but true. If you blog on something up, good, positive etc no comment, if you ; voice a opinion, make a bold statement touch a nerve then you may even get a personal visit from an unhappy reader.

So maybe my life is a fairytale. Being I have had the opportunity to fill in a lot of the blanks why not paint the best picture I can, after all doesn't everyone love a happy ending.

Memories...

they aren't just for the mind.

My memories are embraced by all my senses. Anything from a smell, a sight, a piece of clothing, an ad, hand lotion, soap, a towel. Food, too much, type or lack there of.

I'm not too sure that most people attach such emotions to things such as this. I have, rather it is unhealthy or not, I have done it, now what.

Today, actually this last week has been one of those weeks where everything is causing a effect, I can no longer avoid the inevitable.

I must face the music. I must put a host of emotion, memories and mental pictures to rest. I'm sure that I have way too much in this big ol' head of mine, I'm sure that I have avoided dealing with so much over the last 10 years that it will take another 10 to straighten it out, leaving me about 5 minutes of healthy before I drop dead.

Man I hate time, I hate "age", I hate a lot right now.

Crap, this is going to suck. And hurt.

Crap.

When $17.97 can work a miracle...

$7.00 blow up baby pool.

$9.97 pack of 100 ball pit balls

Walmart only 1.3 miles from house.

Rain non-stop for 3 days.

Yes, we have witnessed a miracle.

Priceless.

Okay not the WOW! miracle that we got when these little dumplings came along in our lives, but Anneleise and Rebeka playing for at least one minute more less an hour laughing and having a great time is what all this is about.

We wanted siblings for Anneleise. I have a relationship with my sister that I want for Anneleise, she deserves a sister like my sister. Up until a few weeks ago I have been worried that this would ever establish, being that the three of them can't be in the same room without some hair pulling, screaming, spitting (the newest assault weapon!) and after 9 months I have 2 yes count them 2! pictures of Anneleise with one of both of the girls...long time coming but it has defiantly help lift some of the funk and clear a tad bit of the darkness that hovers over my heart as we end the war on infertility and pregnancy loss and embark on the real dream of having a family, and living a life other than doctors, surgeries, bills, fear and worry. I will miss the angelic day that I welcome a new life in this world. But there are just too many factors that have dictated this decision, another post, but for now we have cleared out the "baby" things (this induced a funk of all funk which is another post too!)and gear and are moving on to the toddler stages in our live. Don't take me wrong, if a miracle happens to appear in our lives I will embrace it whole heartily, but our focus has turned to these pictures I posted this morning. Living all our lives to the fullest...together.

What about Atty, Atty?

With the two girls entertaining themselves, Atty got to have about a hour of free play without having to look over her shoulder for potential assaults of hair pulling, face pinching, and the most recent as of last night spitting!

All in all I think Sam Walton who in the past I haven't given the best compliments has done a pretty good job here in the "burg".