What's a mother to do...

of an angel, that is.

I never thought I would get here, I work and tried so hard not to get here, but none the less I am here.

Like a tumor, I wish that I could just cut it out, I feel like if I could just cut my arm off it would be easier, however after many days, months , really the year beating me up I have gotten here.

"Enough already! where the hell are you?" you must be asking.

This August is three years, Three years of remembering the the pregnancy test day, the first ultrasound, the first heartbeat, the first moment I knew there were two, then girls all overwhelmingly blissful quickly turned overwhelmingly painful since then the days, the anniversaries; letting the pain torture me ~ I'm done.

I know that I can't elude it, it is tattooed on my very existence, I will take it before the lord but I will not feed it anymore. I am tired of memorializing my memories hanging on. What is in my heart is it, all it ever will be and trying to make more is killing me, I have noticed wrestling with this step has been almost (not really but for lack of better phrases) as difficult as really admitting that Aubrey was gone. A very hard commitment that is unhealthy for me.

I'm done with CDH. CDH was done with us at 12 weeks, it entered our life like the wrath that it is and stole from us. CDH is horrible, it is rude, it is ruthless, it knows no limits, when it enters your life it never leaves even if your baby makes it. It an turn even the best person awry, it can suck hope from a soul faster and harder than death it self. It took my daughter, it took her twins sister, it took our hope, it shook my faith, it has given me anger in the third degree, I see green when I should see blessings and miracles. It has introduced me to some very not nice people, it has shown me sadness that should never be, it has spoke ugly words, it a thief of all things. I may have not deserved the miracle, which in fact any survivor, no matter how long is a miracle, but my daughter did. I don't know why I thought that my daughter or myself was going to make a mark in this world, but I tried, I have prayed, I have paid, I have seeked, I have repented...my daughter is dead, my heart has a hole in it that nothing will ever fill. The lord stands guard of this place, he does not try to fill it, but he guards it so that we may again be together some day. Being said I have followed some children affected with CDH, I have set eagerly awaiting the birth of new. I just can't anymore. I have seem my story isn't the worst, it wasn't the best, she was not a survivor and dead babies have a way of being sweep under the carpet, not all people are treated the same and this applies to dead babies and live babies and the human race all together. I am a survivor though and I have to carry on. I have been wrestling with this for some time now, but I feel that the lord is speaking to me very strongly in this area of my life as I pray for strength and stamina to be a good mother to my babies here. I will continue to live my life each day for Aubrey and my children. My faith is good, getting stronger but I will always need to know why? why not Aubrey? I can't feel sorry for feeling like this, and among all the wonderful things that have happen to me during and through and after Aubrey, is still feel it is wrong she isn't here.

I have lurked, I have followed and wished and prayed and talked and compared and supported in survival, in the name of keeping my baby alive, to make a mark, for her to live to be important to everyone who speaks her name.

So I plan to write the story of Aubrey and Anneleise, it will have a title and a post, it will be somewhere anyone can read it but then I will be done. I will hope and pray everyday that the lord can help any baby and any family seek him, find peace and end the loss of his children, but that will be all I can do. I will be removing the feed to see who is here, I will lower the armor, who ever wants to be here welcome, it is my blog, my life, my little piece of the world, so I do encourage you share with me my life, however it really is not important any longer to know who is here and who isn't, in reality this blog receives very little activity and it is junking up the page.

Every time a baby is being born, there is a piece of me that is so hopeful, then when CDH beats this child, I relived the pain all over again. I want to be supportive, but I have found the communities not really what I want, need...there are already too many out there and much like a teaspoon of mayonnaise when your on a diet...on a cracker you can taste it, on a loaf of bread it's not even there. I guess as I have been praying on this topic, this choice, my heart, the answer in fact is that...prayer. I have no choice to live as I feel that I have been shown in past "through him all things are possible, he will cause us no harm, and he has great plans for us..." I will continue to pray for all CDH infant, children, angels and survivors, the medical field and of course the cure and families. But for now I will probably just pray for some peace, among all and anything CDH.

Antics, and feats ~ Solids? Really? No?

This is what we do early in the morning, this morning was no different. Notice Atty appears to be innocent and like " I told her not to do it!"


Anneleise has taken a very serious side today, well this week, she is a sponge, hope she is absorbing all the good things I do around here and not the bad ones...

Then at dinner I saw this, makes me laugh. I laugh because they are cute and funny, they are laughing because there is a plot being made.

So we are testing out some solid food, Atty has got her 9 little teeth in (really they are big look a lot like chicklets!) so I thought tonight would be a good day to start some finger foods! As you can see from the top picture she was like "really, I can put this in my mouth?"

Then it went a lot like "your serious?, your not going to chew this up for me?"

"Never mind I'll just do it myself!"

Once she got the piece in her mouth she made this face, she squealed and made this face until it fell out, then she put another one in there to do this again!

I think she ate about 5 cereal puffs, that doesn't include the three she smeared in her ear and the one she threw at Beka.

Oh yeah in the news front...drum roll..Beka has got a tooth and there is a side to her we didn't know that was there, fury. She isn't happy about the discomfort and I think she will have a few bad weeks there are about 4 teeth just setting there waiting it out. Good news is that if we can get her next four in we should be set to maybe have a good summer, well, that is we should be able to get some sleep in the maybe near future.

So on a serious note, my nephew has gotten sick. They are being cautious and treating him for the viral N1H1(yes the piggy thing) and he has to follow up on Friday. After his visit at the Dr's today they remembered that he in fact was in a very possible area that he could have been exposed, regardless I am asking for some prayers that he doesn't have this and that he will feel better with the treatment they have started.

I figured part of the funk out...

I'm just really tired of so many people who literally are crap but nevertheless fart roses! Honestly it is just getting too hard anymore to be polite more less energetic to a relationship. And if one more person tells me they are praying for me...strike that you better pray! Please I just need one more fake, egotistical rose farting person in my life right now...

If you are interested please apply at lookingforoses@crapville.org (no it is not real ~ honestly!)

Please don't worry about being rejected because you fart roses and everything always works out for you guys!

Now back to the perfect life that everyone thinks I have.

Humm, already feel slightly better.

Guess I'm a idoit.

Right words, true post, wrong blog....hummmmp.

Not happy.
But not sad.
Nor mad.
I'm not glad either.
Thought I might be depressed for a moment.
Then maybe sick, but I'm not.

Must be the funk.

Crap.

I really got nothing to say....

Pinch me.

NO, slap me.

I can't even believe that these two little girls have been on this earth longer now than I carried them in me.

When I think of the last 4 years...

Breathless, speechless, a little shock, joy, fear, awe, bliss and laughter...

Atty and Beka are 9 months old.

They're the babies, our last. They work harder than Anneleise ever did to grow up.

To make matters worse, we had to trim (1st haircut) Brennah's hair, Beka kept pulling her hair and the ponytail and bows were just like putting a flashing light on her head...man, I do wish I could go in reverse...for a few weeks.

Hummmm. I'm thinking this out in my head (now that is a scary place!) and I am guessing that having more children would be wrong for our family, that the innocent bliss a first time mother has with her pregnancy and baby will never happen so just grieve the simple and marvel at the amazing, but through all the time of changes amid the fog of the years...I stand back and truly can see the blessings.

The Priller blessings.

WOW, Jesus does love me.

The power of mothering.

So I send Annleiese the 2 year old who has entered her "me no like" phase to the babysitter so you can take your two little 9 month olds to get their long awaited pictures that they missed at Christmas, Valentines, St. Patty's Day and Easter...

Then like getting out of the house for an appointment (have to be there 5-10 mins early ~ who are they kidding!) wasn't challenging enough I needed to be given yet more on my already plate of "the babies have grown so fast, it has been a blur, I have no memories written down of taken of them, must have pictures, must stop time" phase of my life.

Beka did wonderfully, she is natural with photos...minus the the stiff neck that we are going to the doctors for today...she did so good.

Then there is....

Brennah Atlynd...what can I say, there is a reason we started calling her bratty Atty in the NICU. I'm afraid there will be little of her on the wall in our house too. Much like Anneleise she was not happy about any of the antics I had planned for yesterday. We literally watch the child make herself not smile! She stopped her self about a dozen times, looking like "oh, yeah I'm not supposed to be happy!" ~ Have mercy now please.

But here is the thing. The jokes on her, because as a teenager she will be reminded that she has just about single handily driven me to the brink of madness more than once and as the pictures above reflect...I am the Momma. I can make all the decision for a long time.

So in the spirit of parental revenge...I present the bunny pictures that will most definitely be sitting on my end tables the entire time the girls are in their teenage years....

WHaaaaaahahahahahahaha.

yanking my ying and yang...

So we finally are just too big and messy to sink the bath's, we probably had to move out of our baby tub at about 4 months because neither would lay there, just try to roll and sit. Rebeka...loved it, she just played and slapped the water and talked away. Now hold onto your seats...how do you thnk Atty did?

Hahahah, jokes on you, don't you knw her by know? She screamed and flipped out, I made her stay in there and in about 5 minutes she chilled but as soo as I asked her if she wanted "up" she was scratching to get out.. seriously, what child doesn't like to get a bath?

Here we go just an example of a few moments in this sill crazy woman's life. I guess I should praise and embrace this being that she is going on 3 and will not dress herself, now she will take the pants and diaper off...but of course it is based on her. But to proof that I am a good sprot, I didn't get mad that she got these off the laundry table, as they were folded under about a 2 foot stack of clothes....argghhhh.





Then there is Atty, ahh what can I say other than I just really need to make a blog for her and her antics...so the purpose of the Bumbo trays are to ensure maybe just a little more safety to an already rocking it over and arching her way out Bumbo chair. Well of course I went to the kitchen to get their food for a "picnic" breakfast this morning and this is what I came back to...a tray less Bumbo and a very happy Brennah...She will probably be chewing the locks of the window...seriously. I was a "taker aparter", got into a good deal of mischief myself, so I guess this is just turn about fair play, crap.






Are you wondering what the title and this has to do with each other...just when I think there is calm, when there is continuum...one of these little urchins rip it right out. Yesterday was a bit stress full, left me with a headache today, "tough cookies" that is what the boss's (kids) boss man said "that stinks" when I tried to call in to work today...hahaha but actually I was considering writing a post on the other topic in my head right now but in the name of good taste I won't...but I will give you a hint in what the title of the post may have said. Actually I am thinking about making a blog just for venting, had one never found anything to vent about really, now that I got rid of it, I gots me some vents...

Possibly the next post you see could be: "Today's special"
Gourmet recipes of a over worked, under appreciated house wife, mom and daughter.
Today's special~"Hubby on a stick with boiled urchins glaze and crispy Grannie on the side"
Not a low fat recipe however you will feel like you lost 100 pounds with just one bite!

A problem, a solution you'd think = resolve.

So last night I hear this clink. Then I hear Beka chatty chatting. Then I hear in a booming voice or maybe I should say shrill ~
"NO, Bobo, NO!"
I go running. Now mind you they were not unattended, a girl has got to pee every once in a while...but as I turn the corner to the living room, there it is...just as I expected.
Beka in the walker getting into something. I tell you this child of mine has the shortest lil' arms but she turns into inspector gadget on a note. I digress. There was Beka at the coffee table eating pepperoni! The clink was her picking up Anneleises plate and putting it on her walker, the chatting was her loving the taste and the freak out was Anneleise flipping because that was her snack.
I freaked out too but for less selfish reasons then the big sister, however after I yanked it out of her mouth and washed off the grease I did laugh hard and wished that I would have just took a deep breath and caught a picture. Honestly this girl has no teeth but she'll eat anything and can get anywhere! When you open the fridge if she is in the walker watch out, she will steam roll you! Anneleise's poor picking up after herself habits (which I will share the fault) is really getting to be the problem in this household. One there is way more stuff in this small house than when it was just the three of us, two she leaves things that the girls can get hurt on, example a beaded bracelet, jelly beans and crayons etc... three it seems like she wants the entire house to be her territory.
So, Mom went to work.
I arranged, rearranged and arranged some more, I got rid of and replaced the entire living room and the sitting room which is now one big living room (it resembles more of a low key Chucky Cheese though). It is fair, the girls have 1/3 rd, Anneleise ( although she is mobile and really has more like her room etc) has 1/3rd, Tom and I have at best a slightly short of 1/3rd and this is basically because we need a place to sit every once and a while. Yeah I still do sit , it is rare but it has been known to happen.
Yet at 11:30 as I was finishing up, there still was the problem of Anneleise at times ( and not always on purpose) crates a dangerous environment for the babies and I just miss it sometimes aka, small toys, food etc. So the problem still presented it self...

Then.

I did this.

Now my lil' babies look like they are in a running pen....I feel a bit bad about it. Anneleise didn't hardly move around, she didn't crawl until she was at least 10 -11 months. We would put her on a blanket and she would play there give or take a foot for an hour...not these two they are insane! I turn my head for a second and they are eating something, biting one another, pulling hair is a favorite and of course kicking each other in the head...they behave no better out of utero than in...you will have to trust me on that one.

So I was left scratching my head as I laid down 17 minutes before the kids (yeah including Anneleise) started getting up for their midnight marathon to drive me over the edge and I was thinking, I should have just put the two and half year old in the pen. Hummmmm.

An update.

I don't why but I loaded up some new pictures of the last few weeks and instead of them going to the front of the slide show, they went on the end and there just isn't enough time, strike that patience to figure out...so you'll just have to watch my cuties again till you get to the new stuff.

This is what the weekend held...

So the summer has officially started in the Priller household. Anneleise has received her first Booboo...ahh, toddler drama. Mind you I know it did hurt, and I hate it when she gets hurt, however there was no way there was a bandaged getting on there and she didn't want to see it so she set for the rest of the day on and off with a towel on it, as soon as she saw it we went right back to this...I'm happy to report that she recovered quickly and by the night she was back to her old Penelope Danger Dog...that was until bed time and we were informed of a disability...she can't pick up the toys because Booboo hurt...honestly!

Then if you are wondering "is that all that put this crazy momma in duress?" let me share with you this...

This is what 8 teeth look like. Did I stutter? No, the day we left for vacation last week, yet another holiday...we started with two, by weekends we had six, today as of this update we have four in, and four coming...and Tom and I have determined if Atty isn't happy then no one will be happy...at least we are sure that is her plan.

So then you say, " really, is that all she's got?" No! we can't forget Rebeka...

This child who really creates very little drama or chaos has something going on. A little fear full, she is holding her head as of Friday night to the left and each day it is worse, she will not hardly sleep, at last count Friday night she did a 2 hour and 20 minute run and that is the best outside of one and half hours. We were introduced to Tortocollis of infancy with Anneleise and it has been a road that I never thought we would walk, after all tortocollis is just a stiff neck right? wrong in babies... of course she is following in Anneleise's steps and there are no teeth in sight. Anneleise had only two little buds through on her first birthday...although I don't want her in pain I'm sort of hoping for a ear infection...but tortocollis would be the best scenario...I guess.



But either way she is smiling through it all. Much like the post office ~ nor snot, nor croup, RSV, fever, no starvation, nor choking and reflex, nothing will keep a smile off her face!

Well there you go this was our weekend. And it is looking and sounding like our week. But although I am a bit like a cat on a electric fence right now, it is all good. Turning 40 flipped me out but these three lil' ones have shocked me back into reality. They could really care a less that I felt the need to lick my necrotic wounds of the past and feel sorry for myself for a while, they need things and I am the thing getter...so in the words of Atty...

Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Whaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. Arggggggggggggggggh.

So it makes me wonder what is in store...

Word of advice.

When you feel like taking a personal inventory at a cross road in your life, I strongly encourage you to , Stop!

Don't waste your time.

Chances are if your there looking at yourself under a microscope then your more than likely not going to like what you see. You will emerge heavy with a bitter, lack of luster self destructive attitude that you didn't have before you started.

Just saying.

Well, gotta go and get this tarnished, rickety, slough like butt to bed.

Tomorrow is going to be better, right?

Seriously.

Where is Mary Poppins.

Seriously.

40 what?

Yep, that is me...40.
Never before has a birthday effected me like this one. 40.
Seems to be all I can focus on. 40.
I know that I don't like it, I know that it isn't a big deal, I know that there is nothing in my life that will change because of it, but still...it is 40.
Seems wrong. 40.
It seems like I have been fired, like really what does a person do after 40?
Like until 40 you have children, buy a house, go to school, make careers, make dreams and achieve them.
It took me to 40 to have my children, what should have been a simple thing, a natural thing just another step in one's life to become fulfilled...literally took everything I had to get them here...alive. What is usually the first step in the beginning of a young couples life has consumed our whole lives together.
All our money, our credit, our careers, our vacations time, our sick days, burned out our friends and family, our girls and our daughters cemetery lot is our dream house, our cruise, our frivolous spending. It took everything I had mentally to battle the war on fertility and infant loss, my health at best is that of a 50 year old. I went to bed last night 39ish, there was still some youth left, some hope that I could make this life better, more encouraging, woke up 40 and looking through not so rose colored glasses. 40specs.
Things over here in 40ville are looking bleak, grey and very tiresome. It is mostly mental I am hoping. Seems like 40 put me in a outer body state of mind. I am disappointed in what I have done with my life, what I have let people do to me in my life. I'm fearful that I am not going to be able to do anything with it...40.
If I had to do a 40 inventory it wouldn't look good. Asshole deep in debt. Dirty house, dirty cars, over grown yard, laundry close to the asshole that is deep in debt, out of shape, over weight, super much~o grey hair, pre menopause acne thanks to year of fertility treatments, no real friends other than family and a host of cyber buds, no social life, a do'er.
But not all is bad, I do have amazing children, that have been worth every ounce of effort and hope and every prayer that I have used to get them here, there have been two amazing days that have altered my life for ever not matter how old I get. These four amazing good events from 40 years of my life on this earth are Sarah Anneleise Klaire, Aubrey Evangelene Grace, Brennah Atlynd Brooke, Rebeka Elizabeth Maycee...these are four miracles that have only made my life better, better each day and better at 40.Having these girls is all I ever could ask for, if it is all I do to take care of them and love them I thinking I'm blessed. These little girls are the hope that I hold on to today, the hope that I can enhance their life and not screw them up. I'm sure that they are the reason I will get out of bed tomorrow.

Well, happy freaking 40 birthday to me. I'm sure that this will be the last one I acknowledge.

Ahh...home.

We are home, back from the beach.

Two days early.

Enough said.

From the opposite ends of the genic model...

We are getting ready for the family vacation of 2009. I thought getting ready with one baby was hard, WOW! getting ready with three lil ones and us is like never ending. You gotta remember to throw in three puking cats!

Honestly I just don't understand why they choose times like this to get hairballs...and yes I do think it is deliberate! If you knew my cats you would too.

So I thought I'd leave you with a few pictures of the kids to get you through until the "story of 2009" is written next week, if I return.
I really don't think these two lil' girls could be anymore opposite than they are...

When one sleeps, the other is going bonkers, when one is hungry the other is gnawing on some toy, blanket or even woodwork!

One wants to crawl, one ones to sit and rock. One is pulling her self up and one is rolling down a one way street.One holds the bottle for a second, one grabs the spoon. One laughs most of the waking hours where the other one whines almost all of her waking hours.

I tell you when people ask me that question" are they identical?", after I resist the urge to slap them and say " what do you think lighting?" I want to invite them to spend the day with me...

This would probably solve three things.

1. they would never ask stupid questions...ever!

2. they would probably rethink the whole having children phase of their lives...

3. they would most defiantly avoid me like the plague!

Last but not least I have to add a little blurb about my Anneleise, is have found myself referring to her as "my" because I'm pretty sure here in a few short months I will be the only one who can control her...So here she is in her new phase, "dress up"...