All I got!

2 hours to get ready.

45 minute wait.

3 children, one childlike adult(dad).

$30.00 poke.

And this is what I got.

To me priceless. To others..."that's it?"

Beka and Brennah's first Easterbunny picture.

Anneleise was so scared she peed through her diaper down to her socks, covered her head with her blanket and was yelling "me hide, me hide!"

I guess something about a 7 foot giant bunny wearing clothes and glasses freaked her out?

So off to the portrait studio to reschedule so we could go clean Anneleise up and get her another outfit to be told that they could do use at 8:00pm (6 hours later)...Uhm no. So the plan is to go Wednesday. I'm very seriously thinking of not even getting Anneleise's picture done maybe just trying some things around here. I just don't get it she took the best pictures until one. Now she is all gun ho until the start....Umph.

If this child of mine knew how important pictures were to me she would give me a inch of the mile she is taking...so I guess tonight I will retreat to the baby's book and paste the picture of them in their books and in Anneleise's add yet another " You didn't want to cooperate, you cried and yelled "me hide, me hide"...thinking about getting a stamp made of this phrase seems to be the common entry lately. I have already got one made for the girls..."You were sick so we just snuggled at home".

So for now, this is what I got.

I think what really pushed me over the edge was the bunny with his gigantic hands almost dropped Beka, as you can see she was sliding off his lap.

For the sake of proof that I try I am uploading Anneleise's pictue from last year...

Out of the mouth of a two year old.

With the much a do about Anneleise's speech or lack there of we have turned hourly speech therapy every week into about 5 hours a day to get her to clean up her letters. There is hope that if we can get her tongue and mouth working together with all the words she knows and says she will be at best ready for preschool or K5.

I think we have made great strides this weekend.

How do I know this you ask.

We are pretty sure Beka has said Mommmm and Da, now is she referencing me the one who meets all her needs or Da the ones who makes her laugh, don't know but Anneleise jumped on board as we were mimicking Beka with the Mommm, Daaaa thing so we through in her tough letter "p", well it sort of went down like this...

Shocked I repeated to Beka, "M", "Mom","Momomomomomom"
Beka almost repeats it and laughs
Tom starts the "D","DaaaaaaDaaaa"
Anneleise repeats it and laughs
She still laughing says "No, No, No, Yes"
I said, "Mmmm, Mom, Daaaa, Daddy, Peeeeee, Pig"
Still laughing she says "Yeah, Momma P ig"
Tom asks her "Is momma a pig?"
She said "yes! momma p pig!"

Funny haha, guess it is time to really take the summer diet thing to heart.

Being a competitive person I just couldn't let this one go so I asked Anneliese "Does Daddy smell good or bad?
She responded "Yummm Daddy mel gooooood" and licked her lips.

I swear if I didn't know better he paid her. The kid just doesn't know where her bread is buttered in this house, but oh well at least we are talking in multiple worlds and we can understand her. I am a little afraid of what she will say in a month or two but these words are music to my ears even if some times it is alternative rock!

What a difference 3 years makes.

I just remembered that three years today we found out about the CDH with Aubrey. Was the begining of the end, we just didn't know it.

Man this stinks, like rocks.

3:06 am

I can't sleep.
I'm bothered that in my last post I didn't mention Aubrey.
Many of you reader don't even know her.
She is my daughter.
My daughter that is not here.
Nobody wants to talk about her. But then what do you talk about, really 14 days is all she lived but she still lives on in me.
But you know each one of my children teach me something everyday, even Aubrey.
She seems so far away. The physical, the mental and emotional.
I still find myself wishing for her, like that wish may come true.
When Aubrey died, I thought hope died, but it is still flailing.
If all my babies would have made it I would have 18 children.
I'm ashamed to even say these things, I know too many people who have empty arms, broken hearts, tattered bodies. You don't need to remind me that I'm soooooooooooooooooooooooo blessed, I know all too well, never did I think I have a live baby, more less have the family I have, why can't I just let this be? This is how is was to happen, right?

The what's up, update.

First off no pictures. Again I have purchased holiday wear, cute little St Patty's dresses and Brennah got sick and we couldn't leave the house more less find the time to get everyone dressed, so I will be having a mock Patty Party on Monday, and I have vowed to have the girls pictures done by this coming weekend.

I'm trying to get ready for our Spring Break, although money is tight here in the diaper and wipes money pit, my sister and mother have rented a beach house and we are invited to spend the week in Myrtle Beach. A lot to do, no time really but I'm excited to get out and away for a while not to mention to let Anneleise see the beach.

Brennah was really sick over the last week and half, finally turned the corner and is back to her self and some. The other day we set her in her crib so that I could put some clothes away and what do you know ~ she was laughing her head off standing there looking at us like we were stupid or something. Beka was looking at her like "what are you doing, now I gotta do it!" So her crib is down. I'm shocked, Anneleise never attempted once to get out of her crib and although she would stand she never even went to the edge.

Brennah the little runt in the family is also dragging her walk about. She is suppose to be walking around it but instead she is dragging it behind her. Making the assumption that she intends on not crawling.

Beka, is in limbo, she is very vocal and is getting along with her hands and feet like she is a Pilate's instructor but I think she has felt the blunt of Brennah's wrath last week as she was insanely crabby, whiny and needy leaving very little time for anyone else. Good news is now she is just whiny and needy so I hope to get some catch up time this weekend for Beka and me.

Beka's eyes are just getting bigger and bigger, she just sits there and looks at you and melts your heart in one blink of an eye. I'm a little worried as that she has slowed down eating over the last 24 hours and if you know Beka, this is a rare occurrence, dare I say I hope she isn't getting the GI of what Brennah had the other week. There is a bad viral infection in the area it is GI or Respiratory, neither good.

Anneleise is just rock'n in the talking department, Tom and I the other day was like " Oh my she hasn't stopped all morning!" her vocabulary is insane and her roll playing is crazy on target. She has matured in several areas of her life especially in the grooming/potty department.

Quick story. Not real sweet but funny as get out.

We have been approaching potty training with Anneleise through many avenues. She has bluntly resisted everything so we are just putting it into about everything on a daily basis to make sure she is familiar with the whole potty thing. This includes us announcing when we need to go and the need to stop what we are doing and go, we even go as far as saying, "Boy I gotta but I can't, I'll just sit here for a minute and try...tick tock tick tock (you get it) " Well the other night I was so burnt out and tired instead of reading her books before bed I got one of her picture books and told her to read to me, innocent enough right?

Well, in a short 22 minutes that we went through the book she taught me:

Time for Tom to not allow her to be anywhere near him when he is potty'n, in fact we need to introduce privacy and privates ASAP. How do I know this? Well when the little kid was milking the cow in the picture she said" Mom, moo cow poop, pee, Daddy poop pee", I was like crap. Then there was a pig in a mud pit, she told me he was stuck and that he was dirty and sticky and he needed a bath, then she pointed to the rock on the edge of the pit and said "OOOhhh, atty, atty poop, stink, yuck" This is funny because the girls are constipated and the other day when changing atty her marbles rolled out the diaper on the floor, before I could get it she picked it up and said "rock" ~ I know this is gross but in my world it was funny ~ she flipped after I told her what it was and spent about 30 minutes playing in soapy water in the sink. So now she calls rocks poop and all rocks are bad.

I was leaving the room after our ritual , it went down like this:

"Mom, back hurts."
"Your back hurts?"
"Yes, here (whine fake cry)"
At this point she lays on her belly and again announces " Back hurts"
I go to her and rub her back and said " awww, does that help?"
"Yes, more, help"
"Mom, Linny, Tuck help me back"
"Anneleise does this feel good?"
"Yes good Mom"
" More, good Mom"
"Good night Anneleise"
"Mom"
"What Anneleise?"
"More back"
"Love you bugger"
"Night nite Mom"

Then there are these three cats who I adore and love but I'm sure they have a pack to drive me insane by the end of the month!

Last but not least...Tom. Oh, what can I say. Good guy, great father, great husband but this week he is trying to level up his War of the World players...if you have a gamer in your house that really should sum it up. I have yet again fell below that of his flying snow white tiger, his troll like beast and a bunch of other things that don't ask him to wipe poop, clean floors, cook dinner or pay bills...

If I had just a ounce of energy I would consider taking and interest in this part of his life but honestly, I'm just not feeling it.




And you wonder why I don't have time to blog?

It's zoo here I tell you a zoo...well more like a wildlife reserve.

It's Friday!

In true fashion we were planning a family picture this weekend. And as predicted, Anneleise fell last night and has a wicked scratch on her cheek and a bruise on her forhead, so she will not be getting her pictures done.

I may just get the girls done, we will see, of course it is the weekend and Atty is coughing like a horse so it is looking like another weekend in the house....

Hump.

This is a good picture of Anneleise though, we have been practicing getting our pictures done. This is an improvment usually we get to see all her teeth and the tounge.

Reality check.

Well, I'm trying to figure out how to describe how I feel tonight in 100 words of less but I'm thinking that this isn't going to happen. Why 100? Because that is really all I have time for but here it goes.

The topic is Anneleise and me. Me, her mother, the parental unit, the one she fears, the one who lays the law, the one who will rock her world.

I never thought I could love anyone like I love my children. No matter what she does, good , bad, evil (oh yeah she is 2 and half and she has done evil!) funny, sad... Everything she does just captures me a little more. "And the problem, concerns?" you ask?

Back up to the second paragraph. I'm her mother, the....blah blah blah.

As Anneleise grows there are things she does, says actions that I have to correct, guide, end or stop all together, I have to make learn to do things she needs to learn to do. Sometimes it is a chore, this girls has got a will let me tell you.

I hate it. Today we set out for a nice day. She got her bottom smacked. I tried hard not to go there but climbing under the clothes racks don't cut it with me, after several no's and an explanation of what is going to happen if she does it again, she did, and I did. We had no more trouble, we cried though. All the while my heart was as broken as hers. I just wanted to tell her to smack me back and lets go climb the racks together.

Tonight she started pouring her drink into her play cups from the kitchen, I told her no, she got mad, I told her I'm sorry but no, her drink is for drinking not playing she can play pouring in the tub tonight. So after silence I retreated to get her tub together and get her some cups and etc to return to the kitchen to find her drinking the drink then spitting her drink in other cups and on her plate, I told her no again, she got mad started phase two of the tantrum, packed up the table and told here we were going to the bath now that making a mess and playing with food is not good. All the while she is heart broken again I know she thinks I am like the meanest and biggest bully in the world and deep down I wanted to just start spitting drinks with her and digging deep into the jello with her. I wanted to climb in the tub with her and throw water, I wanted to be the crazy carefree spirit in her, instead I feel like I am working very hard to smolder it.

This is another moment that Hallmark doesn't have any cards for if there were it would read something like...

"Dear Mom, thank you for darkening the light that shined from my innocent eyes, thank you for making me just like everyone else...oh, yeah and thank you for your pathetic explanation of why you can hit me but I can't anyone else..."

Well, I'm torn. Do I want guide this awesome child to be a well balanced behaved (at least not wild)child who people will enjoy to be around or let her raise her self and regress and grow up with her through her eyes?

Honestly, I would never do the later, that wouldn't be fair to her, but I really never thought this part of mothering would be this hard.

I have learnt three things today:
1. When my parents said "It hurts us more than it will hurt you", it's true...
2. My children are wrapped around my little finger, just a glance into those eyes and I'm done.
3. Doing the right thing doesn't always feel like the right thing.

Please tell me that after the terrible two's, the trying three's and furious four's we get a break and my heart can heal from all this Mommy'ing stuff ...yeah, that is what I thought. I guess the relationship I thought I 'd always have with my kids are just that dreams and thoughts, see in reality tea does spew at you over the dinner table, and racks of clothes hit the floor and selective screaming fits were no where in the pictures.

Am I disappointed? No.

I'd take a week of reality over a life time of dreams any day.

Anyway it only took me 39 years and 11 months to realized what my parents went through to raise me to be one of those kids that you could take out in public and not feel the need to call the animal warden.

To make matters worse Anneleise just woke up and told me " Me done.", I asked her "done what ?", she said "seepy seep"... I said " yah, ah no, back to bed, she cried, I hugged and kissed, she is asleep 10 mins later, now I'm crying.

Will she forgive me for being so mean all the time? Guess I already answered that question. Only 37 years and 3 months to go.

I'm just saying...

Oh my make it stop....

Whaaaa! Whaaa! Whaaa! multiply that by two...

I'm just saying...

No time to blog :{

Busy beyond words...

Everyone is doing good. Of course Anneleise and Beka have decided to get some kind of cough, but I will not let it steal my thunder!

The girls have turned the corner, they are becoming so much more fun, not that they ever weren't, but they are becoming more interactive. Beka and Atty fight all the time, it is quite funny, however in the name of decent parenting I have yet to take a picture. The other night Tom and I were cleaning out closets (they are growing like weeds) and we heard a yelp...behold there laid Atty flipped over in Beka's lap and Beka with two hands of hair ~ not hers may I add.

Anneleise has decided that they can stay here in the house, and that from time to time it is enjoyable to socialize with them, however she would overall rather they keep it down during some of her favorite shows and stay off he floor so that she doesn't have to watch where she is going. We are working on the integration, slowly but surely. She stills does like to tell them to stop crying. Ironically it does seem to work.

We have been so busy, seems that with each growth spurt our house takes another transformation...good but we hardly have the time to keep up with it. I think this last one will be the last for the summer to come. The playpens are coming down once the play zone gets here, and the monitors are on order so everyone will be in a bed rather they like it or not, the girls are just too big for the bedside beds now. Anneleise fell out of her toddler bed 3 times the other night so we are putting her new twin bed up today.

We tried hard to not get one with head and foot boards because she is such a monkey, I think we start every weekend off with a bump on the head.

Her new thing is when in crisis, such as getting in troubled or corrected or having to do what she doesn't want too is " Oh, my back" she even goes as far as holding her low back. Honestly if she would listen better we could be cleaning up in Hollywood.

Anneleise's talking is really getting better her vocabulary has probably tripled in the last two months, however we still struggle with cleaning it up, but she is getting more help and having therapy one a week, plus we are focusing all her other therapy towards speech too, so there is hope. I am very scared of the diagnosis of Apraxia.

There are a list of people that I really miss. I hope to get some email out this week, seems that while turning the corner I have found a few minutes here and there to do something other than change diapers and clean. I should be cleaning I have about a year and half worth to catch up on but I have gotten better at letting things go and just enjoying the kids.

I do love them, they have given me to date more than I could have ever thought I deserved. They have also gave me 30 pounds, a flabby gut, grey (a lot) hair, dark circles, a coffee addiction and worsen my already sick humor, but I would do this all again, every step to be here in this crazy ol' so called life I have.

Of course there is always a dark note, a tarnish part, looking at my family and knowing that this is it we are as complete as we will be has brought a new wave of grief for Aubrey. It is good though, in order for me to grow and be healthy I need to process these thoughts, I just really didn't expect them. I think right now I am at some point of anger and jealousy...make any sense?

Well I hope to be a better blogger, but we will see.

Keep checking the slide show, I hope to put some pictures up often and I will just add them to the front of the show.