Still here.

Well, it has been a few days since my last post. Left it on a dark note. I would like to say that I am feeling better about losing my daughter, but frankly, there is a lot of work in this department that I am sorting through.

On a light note though, the girls are doing well. I have great news...Atty has popped out not only one, but two teeth, they are so cute! If you know our story and our sweet Anneleise, you can appreciate our excitement with the presence of two new teeth under the age of one. Beka is trying to get hers up but I am afraid that she will be following in her sisters steps and this too will prove to be tough.

Nobodyis sleeping through the night yet. We introduced food the last two weeks. When they got sick it threw a kink in the plan but we are on track now, Atty hasn't cared much for anything that passes her mouth. Beka is loving it but it is causing her some belly problems. The doctors said that since feeding was so hard from the prematurity aspect that we may have to delay or be very sluggish in this area, guess that is why she makes the big bucks.

Anneleise is under construction. There are so many things changing in her life, having two sisters has not effected her nearly as I thought it would, however she has very little interest other than to report when they are crying or when we ask her to help such as give them a toy or tell them to stop crying. Unless things change it is looking like she is just happy to have someone to boss around! We are embracing, and I use that term as gently as I can, potty training. She isn't liking this idea. Her speech is well at best getting better as far as the amount of talking she is doing. The clairity is not so great. Therapy is getting more aggressive and she is meeting this with some rebel yelling. We have just a short few months to get to her optimal speech then she will have to enter a RESA program.

Oh dear, this is where the darkness enters again, my baby leaving me to be taught by someone else. Why? Where? When did this all happen?

Anneleise really does need some prayer in the area of strength to over come what ever is keeping her speech from flourishing, she is working and using words so much harder but her and I are struggling with focus.

We are trying to get some routine going, this is hard being that the girls (the little ones) are still struggling with eating and GI issues which is making for some long gassy, messy nights which in turn is spilling over to the early mornings. Being human, I need some sleep and rest so taking it when I get it is leaving us getting a late start every morning. But as to with all of this it will pass.

I have to say that my mind is just full of things to post about. Weeding through them deciding where to post them so stay posted you should be seeing some more in the vicinity of my other blogs too. Gee, sounds like I have a following waiting for a new release...haha, any how if I have learnt one thing over the last 5 years is that my thoughts are important and I know that I am different especially in the thought department but somewhere someone might just get it, or at least be bored enough to read it.

Tomorrow is a big day world. The coin to say is in the air and flipping between heads and tails, no one knows how and when it will fall, it will though if the theory of gravity hasn't taught us anything else. So I am ending this post today as always asking for prayers but instead of just for us, for us as a nation. There is a lot on the table and I really truly feel that if through prayer was ask for the knowledge of what to pray for we will be shown and there is no man or woman that can enter the office as President tomorrow and be even remotely successful if we as a nation don't pray for the knowledge he will need.

I take a very light political stand publicly, those who know me know I have very strong convictions but I do know that even in the darkest days we have been delivered from death and we can again.

I think today I will just pray for peace and balance, compassion and strength and of course as in Corth 13, the greatest gift of all ~ love. Global love.

Lost and found.

Very rarely do I post about Aubrey for no other reason than just mentioning her name or her condition seems to create cyber havoc and she doesn't deserve that, so i hold her tight all by myslef.

But tonight, things are bad for me, not sure why now, I don't think, but then this day does stick out in my mind. I'm so very, very sad. Two years ago tonight I stood in the middle of my living room talking on the phone and my cat did something stupid and I cracked up laughing. Blood just started running down my leg, then gushing, then I bleed for the rest of the pregnancy until I was almost 6 months. Basically at that moment we lost Aubrey, it just took 7 months for us to realize it.

My heart aches for her so much. For the first time in 2 years I have so much regret.

I really did think that she was going to make it, that she was chosen to be the miracle, the one that I would shout testament to while people commented on how cute our twin girls were. Don't get me wrong, Aubrey is a greater miracle than I even imagined, all my children are...hands down, but that day that moment she died, I felt for a moment like "oh my gosh, maybe there really isn't a God, maybe all those "miracles" outside of this room are just because of good timing and medicine." To figuratively put it I felt like when I was child and someone just told me there wasn't a Santa Claus for the first time

I never held my baby. I wish I had pictures of her, I wish I would have spent more time with her, how could I have just gave up so easily? At the time it didn't feel easy, it was excruciatingly painful.

I wish so very much she was here, you know what I really wish...that she knew how much I love her.

Still.

Well I must go, obviously I will be up all night beating the crap out of myself for a birth defect that I don't think I could have controlled and longing to see this sweet child who was my every dream come true and she will never know.

Death sucks, and tonight everyone else does too.

Brennah getting down with her doggie!

Oh come on tooth, I know your in there!

The truth be told.

Lord have mercy, make this stop.

If I haven't said it a hundred times this week, I have said it a thousand.

In the true spirit of a humble infertile mom with biological babies...I try not to complain. I'm blessed. You just don't know how blessed I am, I do.

But the flu for the third time since Thanksgiving, turning into RSV and Pneumonia and a two year old who can only function on dimatapp did not make for the Hallmark holiday season that I was hoping for, strike that dreaming of worked for a gillion years for.

I would like to report it as magical, but again if I must be honest...I won't crap for a week if I ate the cheese to go with all the whining that went on in my house...seriously Anneleise is just miserable.

We spent all evening New Years Day in the er, first Beka then later that night off with Brennah, we are headed to the pediatrician in the morning.

Say some prayers, they want to admit Beka, will see about Brennah which again is leaving Anneleise with only one of us. So kneel for the kiddos, that healthy in in the 2009 and if you don't like kids pray for me,just some simple basic strength and stamina (did I mention I did like 18 loads of laundry since Tuesday?) and if you don't like kids, and you don't like me then there is always Dad, although he is childlike and truly could use some stamina and is married to me but if you choose to help him out I would strongly suggest prayers of protection...not from the viruses and germ...ME!

And it's only the first day of the year...yiyiyiyi...