Booger picker...Ewwwe.

Ewwe, what she doing?
Kayla at the baby shower. She says she was scratching her nose, but we know...

She was going in for the pick...

P.S. Aunt Brenda says Luv kid!

I find this dearly sad...

So going through pictures because family is wanting to see what is going on with the girls and I come across this. Made me feel a bit sad, sick almost. I remember taking these and to be honest I was trying to capture Anneleise planting flowers for the first time with her father.

The area that they are working in has been "deemed" Aubrey's garden since the summer we came home with out her. The sole purpose of this little outdoor adventure was to get a jump on my goal for Aubrey's garden just as much as let Anneleise get dirty and have some real fun. Life and grief kept it from flourishing, and I have made a goal to have flowers and bulbs planted so that next year we can start the pond up and enjoy the view, and have a reminder of the beauty and life we had and carry in our hearts. I think what I find so bothersome is that I partook in this thinking one thing but subconsciously doing another. This picture is almost like an intervention to me, for me.

I miss her deeply this month. I'm not spiralling into some funk, but I have a feeling about her, a different feeling than I have had in the past. When I saw this picture, I felt sick. Honestly a little mad. I thought first off, "Crap!, this is nice here is a picture of Anneleise playing and planting flowers in her twins sister's memory garden, what was I thinking?"

Never mind. I know. I mentally carry Aubrey with me all the time, I try to separate her from Anneleise like I do Atty and Beka. You can't do this. Aubrey is dead. Anneleise is alive. This is just one of those things that I really would not like to cross off my list of things I need to work on. I don't want to admit that I have to really let it go, Aubrey not surviving, being dead. Sucks really, basically admitting that she isn't here is all you can do. One phrase, one thought releases a flood of emotions that is impossible manage. So, I'm here. She is gone. I feel the roots of her life ripped from my heart this month. Her life and love is dormant in my heart where I have held her captive waiting to deal, honestly find the courage to deal. Like her garden, I am retarding the growth of my love for her and the beauty of her life by holding her tight under my emotional reins. Why this month, who knows. So the grief will end. It will be what it will be and I have to give this to the Lord and through him all that is impossible will be possible. I have the faith to know that he will be good to me, that he has no plans to hurt or fail me but watch me flourish to the life he want for me.

Aubrey is our family, Anneleise's twin sister, the mate that Atty and Beka have that she won't, Aubrey is the little girl we prayed and wished for for many of many of years. Setting at her grave isn't any good, crying, well I already have bags under my eye's, getting mad or even is fruitless, hating God...well, that is just stupid. So this is what I wasn't thinking.

Aubrey is part of our family, she is my daughter, Anneleise's sister, Atty's and Beka's big sis. She is gone, she not forgotten and we will always remember her in our family. So. I need to look at this a bit more and get used to the feeling that this is Aubrey. A tree, a flower, a statue or butterfly. Some how, I will have to see the simple things as they are and stop attaching more to a sight than it is.

As the title to my blog states "Through my eyes..." Today, my eyes are the window to my soul, my heart, a key that unlocks that place where we as fallible humans lock away all that is dear to us, the things that we are fearful to hand over or worse give up control. The place that holds everything that hurt us, went wrong...in hopes that in time we can fix.

Big day...

Whoot, whoot!

Tomorrow is a big day for me. I'm getting up early and getting all dolled up (in today's world, my world this just means I'm showered and my clothes are clean) and when my Mom gets here I'm packing the little girls up and taking them back to my OB/GYN that delivered them to us.

I can't believe that this month they will be 3 months on the 26th and it has taken me this long to figure out what was wrong with them.

She must have broken the OFF switch on their criers, or the gas release valve in the gut. She is awesome, so I just know she'll fix it for me...right? Once they leave the hospital if there are problems you can take them back and get it fixed right? I have 90 days or until they walk right? I do have my receipt, got in the mail the other day. Note to self: love is expensive.

What is the statue of limitations for something like this?

Just kidding, but sounds like a plan huh? Really I have been so tired, Beka and Atty are switching on and off, mainly on with this colic thing, seems to be getting worse then better, but then that's my girls. Like me they are over achievers and perfectionist. Guess they won't let it go until they feel they are doing it justice. I have been telling how they rock at Colic, they should move on to some thing else to conquer, ah let's say sleeping...but again like me I guess they won't be listening to the parental advice, so any of you out there who wants to be part of our village and help us rear our children, send them a message...they got Colic under control.

I'm thinking some reverse physc too, so tonight I'm telling them how disappointed I would be if they would sleep through ah let say 3 hours...I told them they would get in to deep doo if they sleep 6 hours...well see.

Actually they are growing like weeds, and everyone is doing good, I'm just super sleepy and droopy...no I'm not referring to my boobs, just my over all look. But I know that this is not lasting for ever and before I know it, in a blink of an eye they will be biting me like Anneleise did the other day...Yeah. That is a whole 'nother post.

I've never worked so hard in such a demanding, important position in my life and I have had some stressful jobs and to think that I don't even leave the house but in a weird way , my life is good, crazy and maybe I would offer some suggestions for improvement, but I'd never trade these little girls for anything...Now the cats, give me an offer ~ !@%#*@".

Eye opener.

I just looked at the family sticker of my family and realized why my house is dirty, unorganized and we have out grown it...

Hard to believe that 2 and half short years ago there was just the two big goofs and a cat.

Hummm. Must be the flu because my head is spinning right now.

Imagine.

Okay that title alone makes this entry sound like it is deep and life altering, in a way it is, but not like your thinking.

Imagine ~ is actually imagine that a viral infection in 4 out of 5 household members can present itself in 4 different flavors!

Anneleise is pooping everywhere, all the time and whinnying up the place. Beka has the croupy, gooey nasal non-sleeping things going on, Atty has just taking up sneezing and vomiting. Personally I have taking up every one's symptoms and ailments because I am a good Mom like that and will go to no ends not to show favoritism.

There was a slight glimpse of a routine rearing it's head the other day then all this started so along with everything else in the house it is getting washed too. Oh well, there is always next week, right?

God help us, Tom has not had anything but a sore throat the other week and that passed. Come to think of it he probably started all of this! Honestly....Grrrr.

Gee, the mean evil side of me is wanting to go over to him and give him a big wet kiss and sneeze on him. But the sensible (notice there is not a nice side to me this week) says heck no send him away, if he gets sick we are all doomed...he is a horrible sicko.

Well, I feel like the scum on the bottom of a water barrel so I best go take some magic OTC medication that will get me through to the weekend when I may get some rest...hahahaha.

See, I'm fine I still got a sense of humor!

What it boils down to...

Prematurity.

All of the girls issues are boiled down to prematurity. Their pediatrician spent about a hour with Beka alone doing neurological testing and such and about forty minutes with Atty.

Although many of the concerns each specialist has shared with us could be , nothing can be determined until the girls are clinically 6 months old and for them that will be when they are actually 8 months old per the pediatrician.

Many of the issues could be ruled out immediately by invasive testing like sedation to do EEG's and MRI's, however, for now we, as in her parents (yeah we actually have a say in our kiddos care!) have chosen to do some therapies and work with developmental specialist to provide the girls with everything they need.

What made us make this decision...

1. They are here. They are wonderful little beings who filled our lives and family and heart with love, they look to use with same unconditional love we have for them. We will love them no matter what they have, how they grow or what they will require in their lives. The key word here is unconditional love, and learning to love what you have not what you want. We are spending too much money and not getting answers and are understanding is that there will not be any answers until they are closer to 6 months old...so why waste our time that we can spend with them chasing our tails.

2. Other than cancer, and prematurity of retina, nothing can be done until they are 6 months anyway. If there was a palsy, other than PT they wouldn't introduce anything to her medically unless the conditions brought on other health issues.

3. Many of the conditions they could have, if they do have, can't be fixed, cured or ignored, so we will just learn to love our children as the Lord planned them to be with all their oddities and particular demands and deal with the medical as it all unfolds.

4. Tom is weird, I am even weirder so why would we think our biological children would be anything remotely resembling normal. Honestly, you should meet us.

5. With the economy like it is, trying to solve the puzzles that our children present should keep a handful of providers and medical facilities at least running so we thought we should spread the love out over a 6 month period.

6. Last and not least, I really want to spend one week just loving on my babies all three of them for everything they are with no appointments and running around. We need some heavy bonding that we for some reason, especially I keep getting interrupted with the notion is of crisis that I feel the need to fix immediately. I really hate OCD.

Oh yeah, in the chaos of all the appointments and illness and now reactions to shots...our deck caught on fire!

Got the call in the pediatricians office that the fire truck and fire Marshall is at our house , needs to talk to us.

But today was still a stellar day, the good news, the damage ~ it isn't that bad in the great scheme of things, again if I focus on the appearance not the functionality of the damage it is bad but really it isn't that bad. No body was hurt, our house was untouched, we obviously have very good neighbors and attentive ones too!

Beka probably isn't going to die soon of some rare neurological aliment,she more than likely will be able to over come most of her delays right now, she doesn't have a serious cold or pneumonia , just some bronchial spasms with sinus congestion, handling her shots fairly well.

Atty, our other daughter other than growing scrawny due to her length and poor eating is doing amazing , the Reglan has been stopped since she has became insomnic and irritable from it so this is good for her and us, the one nedication that casues horrible side effects also has been stopped so that puts my mind at ease.

And our eldest daughter Anneleise had a great day with lots of friends to play with and outings all day. She laughed all evening. And after everything she was still herself...the gift she is.

And thanks to all the drama, all the realities that didn't come true...I'm going to bed with very clear realization that I am blessed, very blessed, actually down right lucky to have the life that I have even if some days it is too much for me to handle.

Here it is...

The little girlys are sick, not really sick but croupy and trying to be snotty but so congested the goo won't run. beka's eye appointment went horrible.

Houston, we have a problem. I'm fearful that it is very serious, they tossed around cerebral palsy, brain masses and tumors, blindness and shunts. Yeah.

All I can say is we need prayers. Prayers that I can continue to provide for her needs what ever they are, that we as a family can endure yet another set back, that this precious child with flawless porcelain skin and a wide gummy smile grows old with us and is healthy and enjoys the beauty God has laid upon this earth and the sounds of nature and music, I pray that I can handle and cope with as he wants her and not as I think she should be.

Of course the little miss of the house Anneleise could use some support, again things are chaotic and she being the best off in the group, isn't the squeaky wheel at the time.

Tonight Atty has taken a G.I. turn for what ever reason so she is screaming her head off, after the exam Beka is chilln'...

On a good note Anneleise and I finally started our book reading at bed time tonight and it was fun and she loved it, amazing how just 10 minutes of quality time beats out a whole evening of crazy stuff...ask Tom.

Oh, yeah then there is Tom, he is feeling a scratchy throat....eerrrrkkk. stop the world from spinning!

Honestly, men.

So I usually tell you guys if you are praying for us, tonight I'm begging for prayers for our family and especially for Beka. Honestly she is just the sweetest little one. I just hate that her path to this already brutal world is paved to be tougher than it has to be. I can't even imagine losing another child today.

Gotta go, goat girl is causing a ruckus in the pen and we don't want her to wake up cat girl or demanding whiny spastic girl.

The Nanni and some.

This is the girls Nanni.

Not Nanni as in she cares for the kiddos while I
sleep, craft, clean, get spa treatments. Nanni as she is
my sister, the girls aunt, someone who I miss.

If your looking at this today Nanni, Anneleise and I miss you
Beka and Atty do to they just don't know it.

By the way if you are wondering who the little foxy fur ball
is setting beside Nanni...it's Summer, strike that,Princess Sum Sum.

She may look innocent enough but she eats little children and big dogs.

Note to self: notice that the Nanni put Beka closest to the savage beast...hummm, no favorites there....

See what I mean?

See what I mean? This is another attempt to get a picture of Anneleise to put in her book for her two year old picture, not to mention relatives are asking for a "2" year old picture.

Yeah, I'm going to go to The Picture People and spend a fortune to get a shot of this tongue. NOT!

Where do they learn this stuff? Is there a virus that attached it's self to DNA when they turn like , ugh, lets say "2"!

Honestly.

It is sorta funny, I guess.

A day and a villiage.

This is how long it takes to get ready for a 3 pm wedding. Working on this since 9 am.

I am taking pictures and Tom is video taping the wedding so that is how many people it takes to watch out kiddos during the wedding.

I love it, I used to be the watcher of the kiddos, now I am the kiddos mother.

Sometimes I can't believe this is my life. Then there is today after changing Annelise twice and removing the caramel from her hair and clothes from caramel apple her father gave her after the second outfit change that I'm wondering what I was thinking working so hard for this life.

Rumor has it I get a shower, if lucky shave the legs and even get to wear makeup today...

I'd gladly exchange the shaving the legs thing for about 20 minutes of sleep!

Note to self.

Note to self.

If I can get so many things done during the day, like I did before children, said children slept to much during day. Abort attempt to clean up life and wake said children up so they sleep at least half way through the night.

Just noting.

The funk...in dysfunktional.

Well, it is Thursday, four days after Tom has returned to work and left me holding the bag so to speak with three little girls, three freaky crazy demanding cats, a dirty house and a list of "winterizing" chores that need to find their way done.

Monday was bad, not horrible but I was tired, horribly tired. Tuesday commenced all the qualification and meetings for Atty's and Beka's birth to three program. In addition there was Anneleise's speech and developmental therapies. Wednesday was errand day after the Tom came home, only 8 phone calls asking question on how to care for the kiddos!

Did I mention that I accomplished almost next to nothing, except added to the list of things that needed to be done? Oh, yeah maybe I left out an important factor, I had help.

I can't afford any more help. The last four days has been the funk in dysfunktional.

Today, Thursday, I have already bathed everyone in the house (minus the cats), done 3 loads of laundry, got all new blankets etc out for Atty and Beka, cleaned up Anneleise's bed, our bed and the tiny girls bed. Done the dishes, feed everyone breakfast, cleaned the ceiling fans. It is 10:45 am, I woke up 5:45 am. Not bad for a worn out, sleep deprived, dilapidated saggy water retaining woman of my advanced "maternal" age.

Annelise has a therapy today at 12 noon so I expect that the remainder of the day will be fall out for everyone being so well behaved this morning. Tom will be home around 3 ish...so at that point hardly anything will get accomplished, unless I can talk him into the mowing...hahahaha.

At least I still have my sense of humor, right?

I'm pumped. I have been searching for a light at the end of the dark, tunnel I have been glaring down for a few weeks and by George think that I have found it. Not the light but routine, the plan the deal...

Whoot, Whoot!

Thank goodness this isn't April because I would be fearful that this was an April Fools joke, however it is the trick or treat time of the year...that would suck the big one if this was a trick...I'm really hoping that it's the treat I have been looking for.

Have a good one folks...no matter what today has been a good one here in this crazy funky house.