I really am living in the zone. Not too sure if it is the Twilight Zone, the diet zone, the end zone or the fire zone...
Two years ago we ended one journey, it was only a 14 day journey but to this day it has one of the greatest impacts in my life than some journeys that I have been on for 30 years. After 10 years of infertility, pregnancy loss now we were facing the death of our twin daughter Aubrey.
Getting her and her sister here was a whole journey in it's self. We thought , prayed like crazy and wished on stars that we would be taking her home, that we would have more time with her, after all we wanted her like mad.
So two years ago we said our good byes to her , shipped her sister back from Philadelphia Children's Hospital of Pa to a hospital closer to us. I will never forget that trip. It was like today, a zone, full of chaos, it was to sum it up "weird". We would drive for a while and talk about how excited we were to get to the hospital and see Anennelsie, then we would start to cry and say things like "God, why are we smiling, we lost Aubrey, how can we be happy today?"...then we would be silent as if to punish ourselves. I would make statements like "Can you believe that we are bring a baby home soon... can you believe, can you believe...it was all over the place that day.
When we got to the state line we had to decide where do we go first the funeral home or the hospital. That is screwed up let me tell you. We knew that Aubrey was not there yet and honestly I had to think about what I wanted to do for her, when the doctor told us it was over, I just ran...looking back not the best thing I did but the pain was too great, I had to be stronger than what was taking over my body. When we got to the hospital the ambulance was leaving that had taken her there, Tom and I raced to her room, we were so excited to see her.
After the nurses came in and kindly and in a sweet way said how sorry they were for Aubrey we got to hold her. She felt differnt that day, she was mine that day, I felt closer home, closer to her. I cried, very hard for many a many reasons. One of the reasons that hurt sobadly was the peace that I had.
How could I feel peace, shouldn't I make my self feel guilt, anger, resentment? Why was I still praising the Lord for every breath I had...
It was a gift, a gift that I juust know that I was given, not to replace Aubrey but I tried very hard to do anything for those girls through him...and I know that through him he gave me something I will never let go, the peace that everything was to be okay. I never trusted the Lord like I did that year.
September the 2nd we buried Aubrey, that was our due date. Ironic I know. Like it all came full circle. On the 3rd we brought Annelise home. Life was good, different and many nights spent in serious grief mode but I cherish each tear...they are gifts.
Ready for some more weirdness. One week to the day we did the girls IVF we had or 2nd IVF. Guess what,2 more girls...due September the 7th.
This brings me to the zone topic...and here is an example one of my little ones who actually does sound a lot like a goat is grunting therefore I am off here to a 45 minute feeding marathon finishing up just in time for the little one who sounds like a kitten with a hair ball to demand her food...at best another 45 minutes...if there is time I will come back to finish, if not well you get the whole zone thing right?
But guess what through the paths I have been on, I can't imagine anyone being any crazier than the one I am on now, but I love it and I am blessed..down right lucky.
August 29, 2008
August 27, 2008
I'm not in Kansas anymore...
The last post from "A peek into Whitney's world..."
Well, to be honest,where do I even start.
The last 8 months had been a whirl wind. Honestly again, I really didn't think that our IVF was going to go with out issues and I really was shocked to find us having twins just a week short of Aubrey and Anneleise. The girls were due September the 2nd the day we buried Aubrey, and the new set of girls coming into our lives were due September the 7th. Crazy I tell you.
I can't say that the only reason I have not been able to post due to the chaos and crazy antics in our home now, because it isn't all true. Life has been grand and wonderful, but there are a lot of things going on and they take time to sort and that I haven't done. For many years I fought for these girls I have and in the process I have become very good in pushing the things that slow a warrior down , away.
Our fertility and pregnancy battle is over. My health this last time was met with challenge, I don't think I could do another pregnancy, I am going to be 40 in April of 09 (Yikes!) and really we have three amazing gals who demand a lot of attention and we need to be able to provide a good life. I wanted these girls for so long that I need to take the time out and enjoy each phase as we fly through them. I think Anneleise grew up over night , honestly she has gotten so mature. and with the economy I can't see us spreading things any tighter to do this again. Yeah then after the complication with this pregnancy Tom and I both don't think we can even think about taking the risks again. Again another bleeding incident, preterm labor, massive drugs and the last 30 days of the pregnancy cost a sum over 55,000.00. Yeah. This phase of our life is done. Don't ask me how I feel about this because it, like everything in my life is well layered too.
The girls, Beka and Atty are here. Yeah! They have been here with us for a month and a few days. On the 14th the girls Aubrey and Anneleise birthday we were all home.
Oh, how bitter sweet that day was. I think the only thing that has gotten me through the emotional shock of reliving this again is the sleep deprivation and just the amount of work that needs to be done to care for Atty and Beka with all the feeding issues, then there is my two year old.
Two years ago 10 years of hard, emotional heart ripping work and tears and dreams came true when I met my daughters Aubrey and Anneleise for the first time.
I can't put in words my feelings, it really is only something that I can feel, I don't know any words that could even compare.
Two years. WoW!
I have to fess up thought that in the morning things will be much harder in our house. The 28th is our precious daughters 2nd angel anniversary. This second one has been much harder than the first. I think that they will get harder as the years go, I don't really know why. All I know is that I love her more this year then last and even the day she was born and I wonder and doubt that feeling because honestly, she isn't here, how can you continue to grow and love someone when they are gone. Gone like dead.I can tell you one thing though. Beka, well she is the image of Aubrey. Atty is the image of Anneleise.
Basically i gave birth to identical twins two years apart. I held my dear Beka tonight and cried. I cried because I never held Aubrey, I never saw her face without enormous tubes coming from her until she was gone. I never saw her at her birth weight, just under 7 pounds. I never smelt her clean and baby like.
I will not put myself though it again, but tonight I did it. I relived the day she left us. What did I do, why didn't I hold her, I loved her so much. Did she know that I never held her, did she wonder why? I was the coward I fought so hard not to be, but that precious child fought a battle that I myself don't think I could have fought, we asked her to fight, Couldn't ask any more of her that day, I felt that was the only thing I could do for her as her mother was to just let her go, in peace with out handling, her body was destroyed by attempts to save her, she passed weighting 16 pounds plus, her skin to pop. I just couldn't do it to her.
I have prayed like crazy since that day that the lord will help find peace to the ache that filled these arms for Aubrey. Tonight, I did. I know for a moment that when I looked into Beka's face that our Aubrey is her guardian Angel. Beka is struggling with eating and sleeping and vison right now, I have been working with her very hard, I spend almost no time with family or friends concentrating on getting up to snuff, but tonight she watched me while I cried, a tear hit her face and stared into my eyes. I pray very much that there is nothing wrong with Beka, I do worry so for her right now. Se goes to the doctors again on the 10th of September, and it won't be a day too soon for me.
Know that I am not crazy and that I know Beka is Beka, my one and only Rebeka and not Aubrey, but it was bound to happen ~ transgression that is.
Atty is the image as I said of Anneleise, it is hard some days to see this because I feel that I missed so much of Anneleise's infancy due to grief. I remember that Anneleise was a reminder of just what I loss with Aubrey. Times were bittersweet in our first days, months, year. Now the girls are here and again I sense the battle of the bittersweet reminders of again my loss, Anneleise's loss.
This leads me to a whole new host of thoughts. Which will lead to a whole new blog.
I can't separate the good and the bad any more, the right and the wrong, there isn't enough time and I won't lose anymore time with my girls, so... on that note I will be making new blogs and revising this one. Our family has very quickly all became one, I originally thought there would be a period of time where there would be the girls, Anneleise then us, but really I am blessed in the since we are all one, I can't talk about one with out talking about another, and like I said with the good there is the unpleasant or the raw coming up too and for once in my life I plan not to ignore it, but face it and deal with it.
The plan is to have a family blog, for all the grand things in my life, the girls, the hub, the family and friends and antics. Then a place for me to sort this all out. You see half way through this life I finally get it, there has to be bad to have good, there has to be challenge to have accomplishment, there has to be failure to have goals and success. So there has to be a ying to me yang. This is not saying that my other blog will be wicked, but I am clearing my head, heart and soul and reaching further to the purpose of my being. This will not be something that I would want to share a blog with my daughters first lose tooth or birthdays and first and happy moments, this is a place where I will dump my junk...clear myself and clean myself...grow and be the person that I am to be and the person I so desire to be...find the person that I know is in there.
So this will be the last post on this blog. I will post the new blogs when they are up hopefully in the next weeks, althought they will be underconstruction.
This post is dedicated to my daughters...
Sarah Anneleise Klaire, Aubrey Evangalene Grace,
Rebeka Elizabeth Maycee and Brennah Atlynd Brooke
Your existence is my heaven on earth, your absence is my drive, you bring the light to my darkest days, you are proof of my hope, dreams and a everlasting love.
Well, to be honest,where do I even start.
The last 8 months had been a whirl wind. Honestly again, I really didn't think that our IVF was going to go with out issues and I really was shocked to find us having twins just a week short of Aubrey and Anneleise. The girls were due September the 2nd the day we buried Aubrey, and the new set of girls coming into our lives were due September the 7th. Crazy I tell you.
I can't say that the only reason I have not been able to post due to the chaos and crazy antics in our home now, because it isn't all true. Life has been grand and wonderful, but there are a lot of things going on and they take time to sort and that I haven't done. For many years I fought for these girls I have and in the process I have become very good in pushing the things that slow a warrior down , away.
Our fertility and pregnancy battle is over. My health this last time was met with challenge, I don't think I could do another pregnancy, I am going to be 40 in April of 09 (Yikes!) and really we have three amazing gals who demand a lot of attention and we need to be able to provide a good life. I wanted these girls for so long that I need to take the time out and enjoy each phase as we fly through them. I think Anneleise grew up over night , honestly she has gotten so mature. and with the economy I can't see us spreading things any tighter to do this again. Yeah then after the complication with this pregnancy Tom and I both don't think we can even think about taking the risks again. Again another bleeding incident, preterm labor, massive drugs and the last 30 days of the pregnancy cost a sum over 55,000.00. Yeah. This phase of our life is done. Don't ask me how I feel about this because it, like everything in my life is well layered too.
The girls, Beka and Atty are here. Yeah! They have been here with us for a month and a few days. On the 14th the girls Aubrey and Anneleise birthday we were all home.
Oh, how bitter sweet that day was. I think the only thing that has gotten me through the emotional shock of reliving this again is the sleep deprivation and just the amount of work that needs to be done to care for Atty and Beka with all the feeding issues, then there is my two year old.
Two years ago 10 years of hard, emotional heart ripping work and tears and dreams came true when I met my daughters Aubrey and Anneleise for the first time.
I can't put in words my feelings, it really is only something that I can feel, I don't know any words that could even compare.
Two years. WoW!
I have to fess up thought that in the morning things will be much harder in our house. The 28th is our precious daughters 2nd angel anniversary. This second one has been much harder than the first. I think that they will get harder as the years go, I don't really know why. All I know is that I love her more this year then last and even the day she was born and I wonder and doubt that feeling because honestly, she isn't here, how can you continue to grow and love someone when they are gone. Gone like dead.I can tell you one thing though. Beka, well she is the image of Aubrey. Atty is the image of Anneleise.
Basically i gave birth to identical twins two years apart. I held my dear Beka tonight and cried. I cried because I never held Aubrey, I never saw her face without enormous tubes coming from her until she was gone. I never saw her at her birth weight, just under 7 pounds. I never smelt her clean and baby like.
I will not put myself though it again, but tonight I did it. I relived the day she left us. What did I do, why didn't I hold her, I loved her so much. Did she know that I never held her, did she wonder why? I was the coward I fought so hard not to be, but that precious child fought a battle that I myself don't think I could have fought, we asked her to fight, Couldn't ask any more of her that day, I felt that was the only thing I could do for her as her mother was to just let her go, in peace with out handling, her body was destroyed by attempts to save her, she passed weighting 16 pounds plus, her skin to pop. I just couldn't do it to her.
I have prayed like crazy since that day that the lord will help find peace to the ache that filled these arms for Aubrey. Tonight, I did. I know for a moment that when I looked into Beka's face that our Aubrey is her guardian Angel. Beka is struggling with eating and sleeping and vison right now, I have been working with her very hard, I spend almost no time with family or friends concentrating on getting up to snuff, but tonight she watched me while I cried, a tear hit her face and stared into my eyes. I pray very much that there is nothing wrong with Beka, I do worry so for her right now. Se goes to the doctors again on the 10th of September, and it won't be a day too soon for me.
Know that I am not crazy and that I know Beka is Beka, my one and only Rebeka and not Aubrey, but it was bound to happen ~ transgression that is.
Atty is the image as I said of Anneleise, it is hard some days to see this because I feel that I missed so much of Anneleise's infancy due to grief. I remember that Anneleise was a reminder of just what I loss with Aubrey. Times were bittersweet in our first days, months, year. Now the girls are here and again I sense the battle of the bittersweet reminders of again my loss, Anneleise's loss.
This leads me to a whole new host of thoughts. Which will lead to a whole new blog.
I can't separate the good and the bad any more, the right and the wrong, there isn't enough time and I won't lose anymore time with my girls, so... on that note I will be making new blogs and revising this one. Our family has very quickly all became one, I originally thought there would be a period of time where there would be the girls, Anneleise then us, but really I am blessed in the since we are all one, I can't talk about one with out talking about another, and like I said with the good there is the unpleasant or the raw coming up too and for once in my life I plan not to ignore it, but face it and deal with it.
The plan is to have a family blog, for all the grand things in my life, the girls, the hub, the family and friends and antics. Then a place for me to sort this all out. You see half way through this life I finally get it, there has to be bad to have good, there has to be challenge to have accomplishment, there has to be failure to have goals and success. So there has to be a ying to me yang. This is not saying that my other blog will be wicked, but I am clearing my head, heart and soul and reaching further to the purpose of my being. This will not be something that I would want to share a blog with my daughters first lose tooth or birthdays and first and happy moments, this is a place where I will dump my junk...clear myself and clean myself...grow and be the person that I am to be and the person I so desire to be...find the person that I know is in there.
So this will be the last post on this blog. I will post the new blogs when they are up hopefully in the next weeks, althought they will be underconstruction.
This post is dedicated to my daughters...
Sarah Anneleise Klaire, Aubrey Evangalene Grace,
Rebeka Elizabeth Maycee and Brennah Atlynd Brooke
Your existence is my heaven on earth, your absence is my drive, you bring the light to my darkest days, you are proof of my hope, dreams and a everlasting love.
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