For just a moment.

For just a moment I am asking anyone who reads my blog to just think about what I write.

For just a moment I am asking that each one of you open your heart to what I write.

For just a moment I am asking that each one of you not think about where you are, were or are going, just to what I write.

Get a candle. Lite it. Imagine to the best of your abilities that this candle is the everything you have wished for. The everything you dreamed of, the everything you worked for. Imagine this candle all you have focused on for as long as you can remember. Imagine this candle the love of your life.

Make an image of this candle in all it beauty. The flame, flickering and dancing before you. The warmth from flame it's glow. Close your eyes and smell its scent, remember it. Give your candle a name, a name of meaning. Know that for this moment this is all you can do for your candle.

Understand that as you do this you will never pick it up again, light it or even touch it, ever. However before this happens place this candle on a shelf, in a closet, in a chest, in the center of your table.

Stand back look at it, remember it. Take as long as you need, remember you will never touch, smell or have anything but your memories after this.


Blink, blow the flame out.

This folks is a moment. For many a life time.

In my journey of pregnancy loss and infant loss I have learnt many lessons. Many are not ones I would ever want to learn again, some I wish I would never know. Probably one of the most interesting and continued lessons that I learn is that no pain is greater than the yours. That being said, through time, prayer, friends and support, there is no love greater loss than the love of my Aubrey but in light of lessons and peace I know not all the pain and heartache that can come with pregnancy loss and infant loss.


If you are wondering where I am going with this post it is right here.


Compassionate deliveries.


As the diagnosis of Aubrey's condition unfolded we found profound compassion and support in fighting for her. I, we, were given choices, options have you. Some of this is due to the condition it self, being somewhat hopeful that many can beat the condition, much was in just our network of doctors.

I have survived this far in my journey with losing her because I know in my heart we did all we could. The medical and methodical process we went through help me line by line and step by step digest as much as you can with infant loss. I personally can't conceive in my mind not giving options. Being told this moment, the birth is it. How do plan a moment? If given a moment what would you do? To be told your baby is already in heaven before you set sight on them.

I have a special place for these parents of these angels. These babies moments are probably some of the grandest planned moments in time. No ones pain is greater than mine, only I can have loved and desired my child myself, but I wanted to just say that to these Moms and Dads, you rock. You are parents in the sense that many of use fear to be, to have been. You began you role as selflessness before any parent should, you gave the ultimate gift of life, respect, honor and faith.

I recently was provoked again with the idea of how lucky I was to have had Aubrey for 14 days although they were not the best days, but I was given time and until your moment is up you have no idea how much time means.

Parents who experience this are amazing. We all are, we don't have options in rather to survive this journey or not, but something special is given to parents of compassionate delivered angels. You should take the time to met some, it will be sad at first, but after you realize the pain and acknowledge their journey your will be a better person because of it. My sister and I had a conversation days before our delivery of the girls and it went something like this.

"What do you think you need to happen to make it through this?"

"For Aubrey to survive, for us to take her home."

"They gave you a 40% chance, what if this doesn't happen?"

"What is 40%?, it is all or nothing."

"Do you want to hold her?"

"I don't know, I just want them to make her live.", " I don't however want her to live for months then die." " I don't know what I want.", " Don't want to have this in my life."

"You know I don't think there is a good way to lose a baby, a loved one?"

"No, guess not." " Ican't imagine how this could end any other way for me to be okay."

We were right. If I had to lose Aubrey I have to say it went as the Lord planned it because I have some peace from our journey...I can't wrap my head around some stories that I have been lucky enough to have shared with me. In lesson. Be true to your heart, your faith and you will be taken down the best path to grow even if your bud is cut early.

I met Carole as she was preparing to deliver her son Joesph the week following our daughters birth. We both had similar paths, different options , because of her sharing her story, I see light in my journey, as well as she probably sees something special in her journey because of what I shared. She is passionate with Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. This is a wonderful group that photographs and captures the most tastefully and cherish able pictures of this moment in these people lives. In her passion of this group I have had the pleasure of meeting Molly Marie Benson.

This post, although late, is in memory of Ms. Molly Marie Benson and her family. My your moment be a life time of love to continue your journey of love.

http://chicagobensons.blogspot.com/

In the name of friendship.

Only in the name of friendship am I doing this. Carole. My cyber friend has tagged me.

Wondering in the past, "Wonder how you get tagged?" and "Wonder what that is all about?", I now know.



I think very much of Carole, however , if the price of gas wasn't so high I would get my wide load pregnant butt in the car and haul it to her house and cyber bop her. All kidding, Don't mind, I'm just not that interesting.

The rules:

1. Link to the tagger and post these rules on your blog.

B. Share 7 facts about yourself on your blog, some weird, some random.

III. Tag 7 people at the end of your post by leaving their names as well as links to their blogs.



Lastly, let them know they are tagged by leaving a comment on their blog.

1. I often wonder what life would be like if I wasn't married and still worked out of the home.
2. I really do hope to win the Lottery some day.
3. I regret not finishing college, all three times.
4. I binge eat, but don't feel guilty.
5. I feign for strong black caffeine loaded coffee and a menthol cigarette outside on the deck
each morning and each evening. No, I haven't gave in yet.
6. I really do think that one day I will be skinny.
7. I admit that financially and mentally we can't , I don't think that we will ever see the positive side of the household budget in our life time, and I guess I am getting old as dirt, but I would like to have more children after this pregnancy. No, this will not happen.

I really am a bit stumped on who to tag. I don't really comment anymore, however I am an avid lurker of many. Being that I am a fruitless supporter of them, I think it would be rude to tag them, so I will have to think on this...hummmm...

Any volunteers?

My surroundings.

I have wanted to post. A lot lately, however, in attempts in trying to remain positive and upbeat...I have just asked for some guidance in keeping my mouth shut.

For those who know me this is huge. Not my mouth, but keeping it and my opinions to myself.

I am fearful tonight however that I am at a breaking point.

Maybe if I just say it I'll feel better.

UUUUGGGGHHHhhhh!

I'm surrounded by freakn' idiots!

Nope don't feel much better yet, maybe some sleep will make it better in the morning.

I always have heard things like, Life isn't fair..., takes all kinds to make the world go round..., pick your battles..., pray about then speak on it..., then there are the commandments and bible for some life guidance, but honestly I think I will commit many of them in one sentence if I have to deal with one more ignorant person....

Today I lost it with a debt collector over a bill that has finally been dealt with with our insurance for Anneleise's transfer from CHOP to Hagerstown. Point, they are not going to pay a penny. It is ours. 1700 plus some change. Okay. They have called this week everyday at least 6 times a day and the first call comes at 8:30 am, the last being 8:59 pm. The first two days I answered them all today I did not. They did not leave a message at any point, then proceeded to call consecutively 4 times from different numbers, again with no message. "Why didn't you just answer it?" you ask. Well after one day of getting the facts straight on the second day they gave me 30 days to pay it in full. Ah, okay. I can't do that. I was told" Do you have someone you can borrow it from?", "You knew that it was coming", "Have you got your tax revitalization back yet?" and this is my favorite..."We take credit cards and Broker checks".

Today...again pushed emotionally for some reason I couldn't control my mouth and I answered the last call. She was "ignorant", couldn't understand a lick of what she was saying other than "you owe money" so I agreed to enter a payment agreement.

She hung up after I told her that I could pay the bill in full as soon as my husband eats dinner tomorrow and I can cash in his life insurance policy, however, only if they rule his poisoning a accident. So I will need another 90 days to come up with the money.

Guess humor and sarcasm isn't one of her attributes on her resume'. Oh, well. Am a bit nervous that Tom will get sick over the next few days though, or worse the cops show up. See my mouth.

Everyone seems so very busy. I wish that the world could just slow down for a week or so. Been lonely here in Whitney's World. I also wish that people would just leave me alone if they have issues with my attitude and thoughts.

By the way for the email I received the other day. Like a dumb bum I read it, first in months and to answer your question...No I don't really think that my Aubrey is a flipping angel sitting on a cloud pouring rain on my garden. I do like to think of her body somewhat angelic being that from her birth on, her little precious body was swollen, red, bruised. I know that her soul was innocent and untouched, something that either me or you will ever know. However in the spirit of good humor and my expense...If my daughter who only lived 14 days by that of every piece of equipment that CHOP had on hand was a wee angel sitting on a cloud pouring rain on my garden, as her mother I would most defiantly insist that she visit uncle Noah and get some fertilizer and dump it on you and I would make sure that none of it went into your garden so that for once you would fall into crap and not smell like a rose!


Well, folks see...my mouth has always been a problem. But at least I know I'm not alone.

Back to the knees. I do feel bad for my feelings over some of this stuff, and that people , ignorant ones, still provoke the redheaded Irish fury in me. This wasn't nice to say, I know but if you feel it then it's already on your heart and we all know he knows what is in your heart...even before you.

Then there is the family. Mine is slowly disappearing. Getting scary as the pregnancy approaches. Tom's. Well, many are good, but oh dear there are the few that are going to be the death of me. I'm not really afraid of dying I don't think but if they get me, I'm most surely going to be saying or doing or most positively thinking something that will defiantly stop me at the gates of heaven and keep it tied up for a few days.

Again, I will go ahead and clear this up so the ignorant person who takes everything word I say literally doesn't have to email me in the morning. No I really don't think there is a set of gates at the top of the escalator in heaven for judgement silly. We all know that there is a strip of buildings one with a flashing arrow that says "Eternal Life" Enter Here...then upon entering the door you see a Rabi, a nun and a Priest. Silly.

Humm, feel a tad better except nothing I said was very Godly, of even nice at that.

I was nice and friendly and kind yesterday...Sorry you missed it.

Get off the pot!

No not the "Smokey Joe" stuff, the crapper!

Honestly, I really try to not go into politics unless I know that I am about to have a discussion with someone who :
1. Understands that we are all allowed to have our own opinion.
2. Respects that one of the reasons we have choices is because of each of our own needs and ideas.
3. Isn't a bigot.
4. Can think of someone other than themselves.
5. And doesn't repeat what was just said on the news or in the paper, have opinions of their owns.
6. Oh, yeah and they actually vote.

On that note I have to just get it off my chest and yell and shout and scream...
"I'm so sick and tired of the elections!!!!!"

My position right now is just pick the lesser of the evils, and keep in mind that you are only seeing what they want you to see and others want you to hear. I really have lost a lot of faith in the whole democratic system, especially here in the ol' burg.

If living here all your life and dealing with the bureaucratic bull crap hasn't convinced you of this then truly you should go into politics yourself. Our election is on the 22nd. I will go , but for the second time two times in a row, I really feel like it isn't going to matter, they have already found and figured out a way to get what they want. Either they get it with our help or they will take it anyway.

Our lil'~ strike that ~over grown mess of large crappy stick built home and high dollar neighborhoods where only people who work and shop out of state live have yet pushed the people who live here and actually pay the fees and taxes on what we have to deal yet with another attempt (half witted) to line the pockets of the commission and county with gold so they can continue to convince more people to move here in "Eden"....

Watch out Berkeley County , you know what happen to Eden and those who lived there don't you?

Oh, yeah...I'm burnt on this stuff, but don't even get me started on the whole presidential election.

This election is monumental, it should be studied for centuries in history classes. For the first time the people of the United States , who deem them self as being so embracing of change will have to decide who they really hate more. Religion, women, race or false facades.

When I think of what has happen to our country over the last 5 years it is very sad, and I really feel that although I will vote, I will put more effort in prayer for the guidance and care of this country.

After all, that is how it originally started...In God we trust.