Prayers and hope and all good things to come...

Where have I been. Where has all the hours in the days gone, the days in the week gone and at this point where has the year gone.

Here I am tonight, knowing how neglectful I have been on this blog, and knowing that I have drafts that need looked over before I post on the others blogs I do, but ...Hummm, tonight things are just bigger than blogging...bigger than "chatting". Tonight, I think needs to be praying.

My sister and I have been introduced to an aliment of my mother's that is very scary. Huge family history of this disease, and really, she has managed to hit every target to be a very good candidate for it, so as I sit here with excitement of our soon to happen IVF, the thoughts of new babies in the family, the wonderful Christmas that Anneliese will have , and the love that my Mom has for her and her for her Granni...all I can do is worry. Like a Mother for her child.

Pray for our Mother. Pray that anything that we are facing she can beat or doesn't even have. Pray that Anneliese and the potential child we would have from this IVF doesn't have to grow up without a grandparent.

Our Mom is it. Everyone else is already with Aubrey.

This news comes today my Mother -In-Law's 7 year anniversary since her passing. Tom and our marriage was introduced to death with the passing of my grandfather Pap. A great grandfather, then 1 year later almost to the month Tom's mom Joyce, and a very dear friend to me, 2 years to that Tom's grandmother Mommom who was very dear and Tom considered a mother. Six months later, my Dad. An awesome man, enough said. A year later, Pap, Toms grandfather, very dear to me. We shared much, he was a second chance to be the granddaughter I should have been to my Mommaw and Pap. Six months later a third cousin to Tom had an asthma attack and passed. Six months later we stood in the room as our daughter died. We buried our daughter. 2 months later, Darlene, sudden onset of liver cancer. She was a new friend, older than me but I know we would be friends forever because it felt like for ever. The next month, our three months with Anneliese, I had to make arrangements and work with the nursing home to arrange end of life care for my Nana, the last grandparent for me. Thanksgiving week she passed and we buried her today one year today. So here I sit, 1 year , am I starring down the barrel of a loaded gun...or am I just gun shy?

Lets please pray that the Lord doesn't want this for us...or should I say that he has more plans for her here with us.

There is a sadness over this, but an eerie peace...the same I got with my Dad, Aubrey and frankly everyone except for Darlene. Have I just gotten so good at the grief and loss thing or have I inadvertently gotten so cold on this topic, or is losing basically everyone you ever knew as your family a sobering reality that we should maybe spend more time preparing ourselves for death than paving our future with plans?

I hate knowing that all this is in the Lords hands and that there is nothing really I can do, I don't like knowing that it has already been played out. I've never liked surprises. You'd think I'd get it by .

So until I get more info or facts, this will be all I post on this matter, until I can find a place for this in my mind, my nerves are shot, so blogging isn't what I will be doing~ but don't stop praying for us

Warrior needed!

Okay here is a issue for many of you powerful women who don't like to be told no! If there are any men out there who can pull out the stops, then get to it!

Kellan Rodgers is a little guy who has managed to survive cdh with a trachea and a formidable host of cdh problems, looking for better long term and organized health care his parents relocated to California. Like many times I'm sure for all of us,things were only as green as they were going to be before the move, now there, Kellan is doing very poorly, Dejah feels this is in most part to his care he is receiving and how they are handling this. The family is at the ends over all this. They truly don't know where the next day strength is coming from.

Dejah his mom has been very overwhelmed since the birth of Kellan ranging from extended family non-participation through health care coordination.

After exhausting all her options, and having no help, the move out to California just about killed poor Kellan, here they are faced with the same situation however now the state of California wants to take Kellan and institutionalize him until they can get everything organized.

The huge obstacle at the time appears to me to be transport for him.

I have learnt all to well that there are always two, if sometimes three sides to every story and way to many people take advantage of the sorrow and the lowered guard of people who have had are having or have lost or living with a child of profound disability or defect.

I am asking everyone to please look inside yourself and help this little guy...maybe ask questions or look for resources.

I just wanted to share this story. I feel compelled share it, if there was help some where and Kellan and his family didn't get it because I was afraid to intrude or get involved, I really couldn't look at my self. We all may be helpless in this problem but we can pray for them. I can't even imagine what she is going through and how emotionally hard this has to be on Kellan's father who is working hard to provide...

If you have no ideas to send her just please pray for Kellen...that he does not see the other side of the "cracks" so to speak.

Knowledge is power I have always said and the more that know then maybe somewhere there is a answer....a reasonable solution.

http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/kellanrogers

Whoop, whoop!

I've been gone, I went private for a bit, I'm back.

Things were just crazy. Thought if I went private I could come here and vent.

Didn't do it because actually after I typed out everything in my head, I felt better and why take the chance of hurting someone when you really didn't set out for that to happen anyway.

So big whoop~ Whitney's back.

Wake up Whitney!

Oh golly! I have no idea what is wrong with me other than I think I have found the end of my candles.

I'm sure I have burnt up the physical one at least. I'm really sure that the emotional on and the mental one got burnt up weeks ago.

Not smoking, Yeah. Eating everything in sight, Boooo. Haven't started this months cycle to start IVF cycle, What the? "The" list....well, everything is started, nothing is finished ...yet! but soon.

I am having a lot of trouble with the scanner and transferring photos so I hope to get something new to look at soon. I would like to just pitch it and purchase....but not an option so I will spend some late nights this weekend and figure it out, I hope.

I miss Aubrey really bad today. I don't know why someday are worse then others. I don't know if it is the weather, food, smells etc but something triggers me in the evening every so often and I can't seem to put my finger on it. The feeling last for about two days. Hits me like a brick then gradually backs off till I I have to remind myself to think if it still has me upset. Sound crazy? Probably is, I probably am. Oh well, I am sure that I won't be lonely there.

Here is an example of what happen the other night, last night to be exact. I take Anneliese in her room every night and we sing about 8 songs or so after I tell her a short version of a story or talk about what we did that day or tomorrow. She goes to sleep very quickly now, but I sing all the songs in order and to the end no matter what. So, last night in the middle of this I got so, so, so sleepy. Like sleepy I have never been, then it was like I was too weak to even sing so I closed my eyes, held on to little one and hummed. I must have dozed off, honestly I have only done this one other time since we have been home and that was after 3 days of only 4 hours sleep with teething. I didn't sleep long and I don't think I even stopped humming because that is what woke me up, my own humming. It was load and echoed in my head. Strange huh?

As soon as I woke up I noticed that it was so cold in Anneliese's room but also just started to cry. As I held her my heart was just so broken for Aubrey. For the first time when I looked at Anneliese asleep in my arms, I wondered if Aubrey would have felt like this, looked like this, smelt like this, I had this unbelievable urge to sing all the songs that I sing for Anneliese to Aubrey, using her name and silly things. I did. I hurt. I cried like I have never cried before.

When I stopped I realized that when I put Anneliese in her bed she didn't move a finger. This is really odd because she has taken on to be a light sleeper and always wakes up minutes after you lay her down no matter how long she has been sleeping. She needs to cry her self to sleep.

When I walked out of the room Tom asked me if it happen again. I said what? He said you know,every so often you come out of there and I can tell you have been crying really hard. He said that when he has asked my in the past I just tell him that I really miss Aubrey at that moment and go turn up the heat. He said during the summer I would turn off the air. As he said that I just finished turning up the heat.

It got me thinking, of the times he is talking about, he is right, those odd evenings in Anneliese's room always end like that, then I adjust the thermostat to only get awoken in the late night hot or cold and having to put it back where it was. Last night went no different, at 3:00 in the morning I woke up to be cooking in the bed and had to go turn the heat down, back to where it was before I turned it up that night. As I got out of bed and went in the living room I thought to my self, "If this is you sweet Aubrey reaching out to me, please let me know, I want to savor it, enjoy it , not curse the night."

I just about shit because no sooner than I got to bed Anneliese sat up in bed looked at the monitor with the opossum eyes that the monitor gives them and said "Mommmm" "mmooommm" "momma" then laid over with her back to me and went out till this morning, we both woke up at 8:30 am.

This is odd because this is the first time that she has ever said "momma", she has come close while in distress but not clear like that. It was always a hum like mommmmm. Odd also because she is up by 5:00 am and 6:30 am every day, unless we get up in the night or are sick. She only awoke for a minute, she isn't sick. And then the really odd thing is that Anneliese has taken up not saying anything other than "CAT", it is her word for everything, different octaves, different accents but "CAT" all the same. Odd because I doubt many kids say words for the first time in their sleep.

So now what? I really don't want Aubrey to visit me here, because then that means that she isn't with the Lord. But would the Lord send her to me to help heal my heart. You know I want to believe that she watches us, that she can feel the love I have for her, that I am sad and miss her, but I am afraid that theses episodes are only that my heart and my head catching up with each other and dealing again with another facet of losing your baby.

I have prepared everything in my life for another child, more children. I have convinced everyone that I do not want more children or another child to replace Aubrey, she can never be replaced. She will always be with me...was this, these events me wanting to convince Aubrey?