Really I haven't fell off the end of the earth. Silly, it's round. But I have had many hurdles tossed in front of this computer keeping me from it!
This is the list of things that need to happen by next weekend when we leave for my Aunt Ellen and Joe's house. We are having a Thanksgiving and Christmas holiday combined at their new house this year. This is very exciting because we have never been all together with them in their neck of the woods. Why so early? Weather, they get a crapping load of ice and snow and the new house is on a ridge line...no really on a side of a ridge. So we are trying to avoid having to cancel on them and beat the rush. A good thing also about this plan is that we get to spend two normally very hectic holidays home with Anneliese and hopefully awaiting a start date for IVF. Oh the memories with that. Tom and I spent Thanksgiving at Cracker Barrel two years ago testing in Rockville for the girls IVF. I'm really praying for a repeat!
The list.
Take Anneliese trick or treating.
Spring clean house, unpack winter clothes, pack summer clothes.
Organize the shed. (ohhh, it is a scary place in there!)
Wash decks (2)
Stain and seal decks (2)
Mulch around house and tree and pond.
Lay sidewalk/pavers to back deck.
Pray that we can get extra time to make sidewalk/pavers to front deck.
Finish the fence we started two weekends ago.
Lay landscape timbers round pond. (this wasn't an original part of the plan, however Anneliese has found an interest in the "CAT" that she thinks is in the pond...yeah, no fish this year.)
If we get a hot day seal driveway.
Write about 2 dozen letters and cards that have set on my desk for a month.
Get the computer printer and scanner fixed to get some new pics up on the blog.
then there is my unrealistic list but still sets in the back of my mind...
Lose 60 lbs this week.
Win the lottery. (Money isn't everything but it sure helps.)
Receive a miracle and get pregnant this month on our own.
All the junk that my husband swears he needs to survives just disappears!( This may be able to go on the realistic have to do list above if I could just get him hunting for a day or two and maybe get a few hours help with Anneliese :})
Things are so busy here, but all of you are in my hearts and in my thoughts always...if you need me yell, loud! I'll be there.
There have been so many new CDH babies born, I am not on a group panel so my info is very limited but I do know from first hand that any CDH baby mild or severe needs everything we can give them especially prayers. So kneel folks!
Hope to get back soon, I have lots of pictures to share!
October 31, 2007
October 23, 2007
Insanely crazy.
That title described the last few days, not me...Ugh, well maybe a bit of me too!
Things are insanely crazy. Good, Bad and indifferent.
Our list of things to get done before the winter have crept up on us and we are putting in some crazy days, along with our list we are trying to help my Mom, Granni, get her list done.
I have so much to share, so much to post and so many emails to write. I'm behind, surprised?
This time it has not been my fault. My daughter is old enough that I can start blaming things on her. Over the last week or so we have noticed that the keyboard and mouse hasn't been as great as it was. Tom has been discussing getting new ones, but they are wireless and replacing the wireless is not in the budget, so I talked him in to doing some maintenance, again another thing on the list. Then the other day while I was doing some laundry I looked over and there was my earthly angel...in all her glory and some. A no longer not so full mouth of animal crackers and the finger.
The finger.
I will have to post one of the hundreds of pictures that I have of the finger. It is magic, with a point she can do incredible things with that finger. The other week it included finger painting with animal cracker on our computer and keyboard and the mouse. Purpose for the absence, for a while I was sure that I was growing goofy. No matter what I typed or pointed to, it was messed up or instead of one "t" I got "TTTTTTTTTTTT".
On to the next thing. It's 1:06 am and I am so very tired, computer cleaned, desk is not but I'm back on blogging.
The pregnancy dance has ended , we are not pregnant this month but we have the chance to start the walk to an IVF starting this cycle.....I'm so HAPPPPPYYYY and EXCITTTTEEEEEDDD and really really scared. We have been praying for this chance, we want this so bad...it is scary to put so much into one place. It knocks the air out of us when we write that check, then all the waiting, this is really hard when you are not a patient person. Then there is my whole past. Thirteen miscarriages, the girls , then losing Aubrey to CDH. We are strong, and God kept our desire for more children strong through all of this, Can't help but hope this is what he wants for us.
Please pray for us, we really could use all the help we can get. We know that if it is meant to be it will happen for us, we really are hoping though that it what God wants for us...God has been god to us and I still have so much to learn, so if you have never prayed for me before, please I beg of you pray for us now.
Oh yeah, still burning the candle at both ends, family, family, family....enough said about that.
And if Miss Kayla P Bug is check'n on this post~Nice try girly! NO, I'm not enabling your D Chat account. Does your Mom know your setting up to chat? Don't use my email missy. I'll get the spoon after you!
Things are insanely crazy. Good, Bad and indifferent.
Our list of things to get done before the winter have crept up on us and we are putting in some crazy days, along with our list we are trying to help my Mom, Granni, get her list done.
I have so much to share, so much to post and so many emails to write. I'm behind, surprised?
This time it has not been my fault. My daughter is old enough that I can start blaming things on her. Over the last week or so we have noticed that the keyboard and mouse hasn't been as great as it was. Tom has been discussing getting new ones, but they are wireless and replacing the wireless is not in the budget, so I talked him in to doing some maintenance, again another thing on the list. Then the other day while I was doing some laundry I looked over and there was my earthly angel...in all her glory and some. A no longer not so full mouth of animal crackers and the finger.
The finger.
I will have to post one of the hundreds of pictures that I have of the finger. It is magic, with a point she can do incredible things with that finger. The other week it included finger painting with animal cracker on our computer and keyboard and the mouse. Purpose for the absence, for a while I was sure that I was growing goofy. No matter what I typed or pointed to, it was messed up or instead of one "t" I got "TTTTTTTTTTTT".
On to the next thing. It's 1:06 am and I am so very tired, computer cleaned, desk is not but I'm back on blogging.
The pregnancy dance has ended , we are not pregnant this month but we have the chance to start the walk to an IVF starting this cycle.....I'm so HAPPPPPYYYY and EXCITTTTEEEEEDDD and really really scared. We have been praying for this chance, we want this so bad...it is scary to put so much into one place. It knocks the air out of us when we write that check, then all the waiting, this is really hard when you are not a patient person. Then there is my whole past. Thirteen miscarriages, the girls , then losing Aubrey to CDH. We are strong, and God kept our desire for more children strong through all of this, Can't help but hope this is what he wants for us.
Please pray for us, we really could use all the help we can get. We know that if it is meant to be it will happen for us, we really are hoping though that it what God wants for us...God has been god to us and I still have so much to learn, so if you have never prayed for me before, please I beg of you pray for us now.
Oh yeah, still burning the candle at both ends, family, family, family....enough said about that.
And if Miss Kayla P Bug is check'n on this post~Nice try girly! NO, I'm not enabling your D Chat account. Does your Mom know your setting up to chat? Don't use my email missy. I'll get the spoon after you!
October 17, 2007
Can you spell anxious?
A N X I O U S
Definition extracted from the Whitney's World dictionary of logic:
To be sitting up in front of the computer at 2:00 am balling your eyes out, suffering from a REAL stomachache that is worsening the harder you cry even though you have to get up at 5:00 am and start your day by waking up your baby early who is supposed to be benefiting from me not working and staying at home to take sick relatives to Dr's, and come home and clean a house that you have neglected for three days for no reason other than I can't get out of my own way(husband, 3 cats, walking~throwing~climbing one year old...close your eyes and just imagine my house!)all the while avoiding the phone so I can refocus and get my lazy, overweight, over emotional, hormonal fat bum back together.
WWWHHHEEEEWWWW!
All kidding aside, I am worried about Tom's aunt, she has been sick for going on 3 weeks now, and still no ideas, I got some, but I'd rather not go into that. Lets just hope and pray that she will be back on her feet again. She has been the grandmother to Anneliese and Aubrey that they don't have on Tom's side of the Family. She helped me so much during the pregnancy with the girls and is one of the few and I mean few that I can call and just cry or say off the wall vents and then we laugh. I would never turn her down if I could help.
This week though, I'm visiting a place called "pre~hell week, PCOS VS FERTILITY MED Part One" I'm not a mean violent ovulator, but an emotional one. Next week will be better. In the past I never had the anxiousness and such as I have had the last two months. I never had any emotional wave during any treatments in the past, lately though, the meds are causing me the yucks! So much I'm done with this topic.
Ouch. I just thought of something. Maybe I am not a bundle of nerves, maybe I am crying harder becasue my stomache is getting worse?
On a heavier note. My daughter hates me, well, she doesn't completely hate me yet, she still needs her bum wiped and dried, but she gives me mean looks and stomps her feet and ignores me! I mean when she does it I could just roll up and go mad. I guess because I am the heavy...I do the majority of the No, No,...You need to Stop, No, that will hurt you, I do the meds, and what I think to be the straw that broke the camels back ~ wrestling her into footy PJ's that this fall has proven to be NOT her favorite thing to wear. I'm afraid that there is a whole lotta me bundled up in that child....Whoa Nelly. I have a plan starting tomorrow to make more time for only us and only fun and non-parental fun. I know that she isn't too far gone because she only wants me to put her to bed...she totally freaks out on the way to bed, runs to Tom, then as we get into the room, kick the cats out, close the door..she is all lovey. Tom says that she doesn't do that for him. It is something special between us. I'd like to think that and I will to get through this phase, but! I say she does it so I will stay in there longer and love on her and avoid bed time. Not to mention I'm almost sure she know the nights of eliminations on my shows, and always on Mondays she wants to love longer on those nights. I'm telling you guys...I see a whole blog of her torture to me in the near future. It won't be pretty. There will be a lot of crying and I think it is going to be me. Sigh!
I'm sort of looking at it as doing her a favor. When she enters therapy, (it is assumed that any child of Tom's and Mine will need therapy) by printing the blog off she can cut a good 4 years of "When I was a Child..." sessions out and get to the real reason she is there. I imagine it will go something like. "Dr. my parents...well, errr, ugh....I love my Dad dearly, but ugh....my Mom is driving me nuts!"
Definition extracted from the Whitney's World dictionary of logic:
To be sitting up in front of the computer at 2:00 am balling your eyes out, suffering from a REAL stomachache that is worsening the harder you cry even though you have to get up at 5:00 am and start your day by waking up your baby early who is supposed to be benefiting from me not working and staying at home to take sick relatives to Dr's, and come home and clean a house that you have neglected for three days for no reason other than I can't get out of my own way(husband, 3 cats, walking~throwing~climbing one year old...close your eyes and just imagine my house!)all the while avoiding the phone so I can refocus and get my lazy, overweight, over emotional, hormonal fat bum back together.
WWWHHHEEEEWWWW!
All kidding aside, I am worried about Tom's aunt, she has been sick for going on 3 weeks now, and still no ideas, I got some, but I'd rather not go into that. Lets just hope and pray that she will be back on her feet again. She has been the grandmother to Anneliese and Aubrey that they don't have on Tom's side of the Family. She helped me so much during the pregnancy with the girls and is one of the few and I mean few that I can call and just cry or say off the wall vents and then we laugh. I would never turn her down if I could help.
This week though, I'm visiting a place called "pre~hell week, PCOS VS FERTILITY MED Part One" I'm not a mean violent ovulator, but an emotional one. Next week will be better. In the past I never had the anxiousness and such as I have had the last two months. I never had any emotional wave during any treatments in the past, lately though, the meds are causing me the yucks! So much I'm done with this topic.
Ouch. I just thought of something. Maybe I am not a bundle of nerves, maybe I am crying harder becasue my stomache is getting worse?
On a heavier note. My daughter hates me, well, she doesn't completely hate me yet, she still needs her bum wiped and dried, but she gives me mean looks and stomps her feet and ignores me! I mean when she does it I could just roll up and go mad. I guess because I am the heavy...I do the majority of the No, No,...You need to Stop, No, that will hurt you, I do the meds, and what I think to be the straw that broke the camels back ~ wrestling her into footy PJ's that this fall has proven to be NOT her favorite thing to wear. I'm afraid that there is a whole lotta me bundled up in that child....Whoa Nelly. I have a plan starting tomorrow to make more time for only us and only fun and non-parental fun. I know that she isn't too far gone because she only wants me to put her to bed...she totally freaks out on the way to bed, runs to Tom, then as we get into the room, kick the cats out, close the door..she is all lovey. Tom says that she doesn't do that for him. It is something special between us. I'd like to think that and I will to get through this phase, but! I say she does it so I will stay in there longer and love on her and avoid bed time. Not to mention I'm almost sure she know the nights of eliminations on my shows, and always on Mondays she wants to love longer on those nights. I'm telling you guys...I see a whole blog of her torture to me in the near future. It won't be pretty. There will be a lot of crying and I think it is going to be me. Sigh!
I'm sort of looking at it as doing her a favor. When she enters therapy, (it is assumed that any child of Tom's and Mine will need therapy) by printing the blog off she can cut a good 4 years of "When I was a Child..." sessions out and get to the real reason she is there. I imagine it will go something like. "Dr. my parents...well, errr, ugh....I love my Dad dearly, but ugh....my Mom is driving me nuts!"
October 13, 2007
I'd like a large cup of air, hold the mayo and memories please.
I'm sure this title is leaving you guessing, huh?
It really is the way I could sum up things in my life right now.
This diet is killing me..okay, not killing me but I am suffering. I am soooo hungry, I eat, enough trust me to be full but I am starving, my stomach even growls and such. Not smoking, not drinking soda's,tea and coffee, not eating condiments like mayo, miracle whip (no! it is not the same as mayo!)ketchup, butter (yyyyuuummmm! it is what my blood is made of!), white flour and bread and corn syrup has really made me not even enjoy food. I never realized that I ate food based on the condiment I could smother it with. I can eat a head of broccoli and feel like I ate nothing. I am leaning toward this just being another issue of transference. Eating, drinking, smoking, being lazy is a conscience decision that I can make, everything else just seems so out of my hands. No matter how much I try and pray, it just lays dormant. I will not let this eating thing beat me, so stay tuned...the blogging should get interesting as I work this out.
As for the hold the memories please. Well, the end of summer I started a pond like garden. I wanted something pleasant to look at other than everyone else's decks to look at. We live so close to each other (yuch! another topic later) that we, as in our neighbors, comment in how we always feel like we are intruding on each other. So as we put forth effort to erect a fence this weekend and next for Anneliese, I started a memory garden, a place I can "meditate" have memories of all my family which is no longer here with me, even my daughter. What stinks is that we live on farm land that has been used to no end and has the soil has lost all it gusto. Every thing that I have planted to be a friendly reminder of life and Aubrey has like her died. I planted two rose bushes on for each of the girls, my thinking was at least they will be together in symbolism. One is dead, one is flourishing. Two evergreen trees, one dead one grasping to life and trying to make another season. Every flower other than my mums, and only a few of them are good has died.
Through my twisted eyes, it sorta feels like again I am being told to dig deeper into my memories and deal with something. I am left wondering again, am I not a good "care taker", is the Lord using theses things to remind me of the reality of what has happen, what he is capable of that I haven't yet through all of this totally given myself to him. Why is this so hard, what is distracting me to want to be faithful, devoted and loyal to the Lord, but get distracted?
I got so frustrated in the yard this morning that I just came in and washed my hands and set down typing.
On a non-selfish note. There are a few people who needs some divine intervention. For them and their loved ones. If you are reading could you keep them in your prayers?
Manda at www.twinladybugs.blogspot.com, if you check her blog out you'll see that no body really deserves what her and her husband and little girl are going through. Pray that Manda can continue to carry this little girl that they so want and love, and pray that she will be healthy no matter when she arrives. Her sister will need some prayers two, things are going to get crazy for her. Maybe you can stop by and give her some words of encouragement.
A friend, Alycen has twins, we were together in the RMH in NJ, her girls is rocking on and so is her son, but his hard and difficult start is creating some obstacles for him. This is a difficult and scary time for them, please pray that the whole family is given the knowledge and strength to get through theses days. Her my space is www.myspace.com-decrescenzifamily
Another friend that I made in the RMH of NJ is Tiffany, I spoke of her before , her daughter died at 6 months very unexpectedly in the back seat of her car on the way home from the hospital after a procedure. She has had a very difficult time, and faces more than she can handle on her own. Please pray that the Lord will show her a better way through this journey in her life. Pray that her little girl who is 5, can be okay through this also.
Okay, Dad is going to a luncheon with his co-workers...this is not one of the benefits of being a SAHM, there are no reward and moral dinners. That's okay, the other day Annelise slept in till 8:00 am, so I got to sleep into 7:00 am, in my house, that is like wining the Nobel Peace prize!
It really is the way I could sum up things in my life right now.
This diet is killing me..okay, not killing me but I am suffering. I am soooo hungry, I eat, enough trust me to be full but I am starving, my stomach even growls and such. Not smoking, not drinking soda's,tea and coffee, not eating condiments like mayo, miracle whip (no! it is not the same as mayo!)ketchup, butter (yyyyuuummmm! it is what my blood is made of!), white flour and bread and corn syrup has really made me not even enjoy food. I never realized that I ate food based on the condiment I could smother it with. I can eat a head of broccoli and feel like I ate nothing. I am leaning toward this just being another issue of transference. Eating, drinking, smoking, being lazy is a conscience decision that I can make, everything else just seems so out of my hands. No matter how much I try and pray, it just lays dormant. I will not let this eating thing beat me, so stay tuned...the blogging should get interesting as I work this out.
As for the hold the memories please. Well, the end of summer I started a pond like garden. I wanted something pleasant to look at other than everyone else's decks to look at. We live so close to each other (yuch! another topic later) that we, as in our neighbors, comment in how we always feel like we are intruding on each other. So as we put forth effort to erect a fence this weekend and next for Anneliese, I started a memory garden, a place I can "meditate" have memories of all my family which is no longer here with me, even my daughter. What stinks is that we live on farm land that has been used to no end and has the soil has lost all it gusto. Every thing that I have planted to be a friendly reminder of life and Aubrey has like her died. I planted two rose bushes on for each of the girls, my thinking was at least they will be together in symbolism. One is dead, one is flourishing. Two evergreen trees, one dead one grasping to life and trying to make another season. Every flower other than my mums, and only a few of them are good has died.
Through my twisted eyes, it sorta feels like again I am being told to dig deeper into my memories and deal with something. I am left wondering again, am I not a good "care taker", is the Lord using theses things to remind me of the reality of what has happen, what he is capable of that I haven't yet through all of this totally given myself to him. Why is this so hard, what is distracting me to want to be faithful, devoted and loyal to the Lord, but get distracted?
I got so frustrated in the yard this morning that I just came in and washed my hands and set down typing.
On a non-selfish note. There are a few people who needs some divine intervention. For them and their loved ones. If you are reading could you keep them in your prayers?
Manda at www.twinladybugs.blogspot.com, if you check her blog out you'll see that no body really deserves what her and her husband and little girl are going through. Pray that Manda can continue to carry this little girl that they so want and love, and pray that she will be healthy no matter when she arrives. Her sister will need some prayers two, things are going to get crazy for her. Maybe you can stop by and give her some words of encouragement.
A friend, Alycen has twins, we were together in the RMH in NJ, her girls is rocking on and so is her son, but his hard and difficult start is creating some obstacles for him. This is a difficult and scary time for them, please pray that the whole family is given the knowledge and strength to get through theses days. Her my space is www.myspace.com-decrescenzifamily
Another friend that I made in the RMH of NJ is Tiffany, I spoke of her before , her daughter died at 6 months very unexpectedly in the back seat of her car on the way home from the hospital after a procedure. She has had a very difficult time, and faces more than she can handle on her own. Please pray that the Lord will show her a better way through this journey in her life. Pray that her little girl who is 5, can be okay through this also.
Okay, Dad is going to a luncheon with his co-workers...this is not one of the benefits of being a SAHM, there are no reward and moral dinners. That's okay, the other day Annelise slept in till 8:00 am, so I got to sleep into 7:00 am, in my house, that is like wining the Nobel Peace prize!
October 11, 2007
Money, money, money who's got the money?
Every penny! that is what I have kept track of this month and there has to be sum missing!
Honestly, I have written down every penny and I swear either I had a huge brain fart and missed some bill or spent some somwhere or inflation is occurring at an all time rate.
Last month I reduced my grocery list by removing frivolous items that as a SAHM I could really do with out..you know my effort in the IVF fund (as if injecting yourself with pregnant horse urine and enough hormones to make a 1000 year old mummy fertile isn't enough?). I was really excited. Last month with coupons and MVP savings alone I saved $126.68. There was $74.50 in coupons and $52.18 in MVP savings. However I actually reduced my bill an additional @$69.00 by removing products not really necessary~sorely missed, but not necessary.
There were no foam or paper plates, cups, papertowels, only one multipurpose cleaner, and window cleaner, no swiffer refills. No midnight snacks, no soda, no expensive press and seal cling wrap just the sticky takes an hour to unwrap wrap. No candy, no spray oil. Cheaper cat litter (we have 3 cats ,so this may change!) generic shampoo and conditioner.
About $195.68 of savings. Impressed? I was, was as until grocery day today. I repeated the same thing this month. Since I did such a good job last month I still had a decent amount of groceries, however with my list in hand I left there today with almost the same stuff as last month and the bill was 31.00 more. I'm still scratching my head about that but since I have removed many short cuts to save money, time is one thing I don't have a bunch of right now so it is almost 1:oo am and I just finished my floors.
Paid bills yesterday and I tallied up all the little taxes ,fees, etc that they attach to your bills and discovered that there is almost 40-50 dollars a month we pay public utilities for allowing us to pay for their service. That is crap, they should be paying me that 40-50 dollars for hooking up to my house , offering me crappy, interrupted services and pay for it.
The point of post is that I started this month out with extra and should have had extra today, but I have "sum", a bit, no where close to IVF money.
I'm thinking I am going to start a depression fund too, honestly if the endless spending in the nation doesn't slow down we are in big trouble as a nation...you know the one under God. It is getting very realistic to me, maybe because when I stopped working our income was cut in half. Having children late in life I guess we weren't the planners, we were at first but when children seemed impossible, we punished our selves buy being the opposite of what responsible parents are, yeah we figured out, adults and responsibility are supposed to go together with or without child.
Oh well, I will not give up. There is the rest of this month, and then there is always next month, but I do need to go ahead and mention it...Christmas is right around the corner....UUUGGGHhh.
Honestly, I have written down every penny and I swear either I had a huge brain fart and missed some bill or spent some somwhere or inflation is occurring at an all time rate.
Last month I reduced my grocery list by removing frivolous items that as a SAHM I could really do with out..you know my effort in the IVF fund (as if injecting yourself with pregnant horse urine and enough hormones to make a 1000 year old mummy fertile isn't enough?). I was really excited. Last month with coupons and MVP savings alone I saved $126.68. There was $74.50 in coupons and $52.18 in MVP savings. However I actually reduced my bill an additional @$69.00 by removing products not really necessary~sorely missed, but not necessary.
There were no foam or paper plates, cups, papertowels, only one multipurpose cleaner, and window cleaner, no swiffer refills. No midnight snacks, no soda, no expensive press and seal cling wrap just the sticky takes an hour to unwrap wrap. No candy, no spray oil. Cheaper cat litter (we have 3 cats ,so this may change!) generic shampoo and conditioner.
About $195.68 of savings. Impressed? I was, was as until grocery day today. I repeated the same thing this month. Since I did such a good job last month I still had a decent amount of groceries, however with my list in hand I left there today with almost the same stuff as last month and the bill was 31.00 more. I'm still scratching my head about that but since I have removed many short cuts to save money, time is one thing I don't have a bunch of right now so it is almost 1:oo am and I just finished my floors.
Paid bills yesterday and I tallied up all the little taxes ,fees, etc that they attach to your bills and discovered that there is almost 40-50 dollars a month we pay public utilities for allowing us to pay for their service. That is crap, they should be paying me that 40-50 dollars for hooking up to my house , offering me crappy, interrupted services and pay for it.
The point of post is that I started this month out with extra and should have had extra today, but I have "sum", a bit, no where close to IVF money.
I'm thinking I am going to start a depression fund too, honestly if the endless spending in the nation doesn't slow down we are in big trouble as a nation...you know the one under God. It is getting very realistic to me, maybe because when I stopped working our income was cut in half. Having children late in life I guess we weren't the planners, we were at first but when children seemed impossible, we punished our selves buy being the opposite of what responsible parents are, yeah we figured out, adults and responsibility are supposed to go together with or without child.
Oh well, I will not give up. There is the rest of this month, and then there is always next month, but I do need to go ahead and mention it...Christmas is right around the corner....UUUGGGHhh.
October 10, 2007
You gotta look at this!
This was emailed to me this morning from my Aunt Ellen, she finds some of the funniest ,neatest stuff, but this by far is just too cute.
I can't decide which is sweeter? the little boy of the dag gone dog!
Choices...yeah! NO!
Here is one of the three choices that we had for her BIG ONE year old pictures. She had done a bunch of cute poses however the lady didn't believe me when I said that she is a busy girl so get ready. They were great ones too, nuts! oh well ,I have them in my memory, usually I have a hard time picking her pictures out and buy them all, this time it was simple there were these two and one of her feet...Good for us, bad for the sales lady. This pictures is really cuter in person, the scanning wipes it out color wise. And no that is not a smile, it is a smerk that is a precurser for havoc and running...not always in that order.
My sweet lil' girl...
Here she is, her Big ONE picture.
Things have been crazy around here, it must be the shift in the weather...at least that is what I will tell my self. I hope to be back in the morning to blog more.
My family has been joking (I hope?) that she is looking a lot like a fancy dog with her hair bow in. What do they know!
I think she is freaking, flipping adorable. But then I am particle.
Miss Sarah Anneliese Klaire Priller
One year and one month old.
October 8, 2007
Whitchy poo or Vadoo poop?
Wonderful title huh?
There is a side to me that I really don't care for. Years ago, while "floundering" with my life I got sucked into the ...errr...what would you call it....I guess....the occult. Yeah I know what your probably thinking...Oh, my. Whitney's into witchcraft! For the record no I'm not into witch craft, however I did get involved in the tarot cards, fortune telling, palm reading kinda of stuff. Frankly, it was like everything else that I jumped into with both feet~short lived.
The idea of putting an end to all the struggling and guessing and decision making was really attractive to me. Patience was not a strong point in my make up never has been, doubt it ever will. When I was there at that time of my life I was trying to decide if I wanted to return to school, become a life time student, get a high demanding career and just live the fast, unattached life. This included bunch of facets. Money, where I would live, how I would live, who I would continue to be friends with , who I needed to become friends with and of course...the decision of marriage and family.
Money, housing, friends and school wasn't a real hard decision. Marriage and family was. To shorten this blurp, you know my decision...I flushed everything down the drain and uprooted everything and every aspect of my life and turn a 180 and here I am. I wish that I could say that I have never had a day that I didn't look back and wonder if I did right, and I don't mean right by me, by everyone in my life. I have never felt as though I have been a positive for my husband, since our marriage we have had nothing but heart ache and obstacles. My friends seem to do much better when they move away, change jobs get away from me. I wonder sometimes this feeling I get of not belonging is because I shouldn't be here.
The last card reading I had told me "the" path they saw for me, I will never forget those words, I have tried, but when I hear them in my head I get chills. I don't even want to revisit that now but let me assure you that it really wasn't where I am today. One thing that they said which is the one thing that has haunted me lately, especially since Aubrey, is "Children in you future seem vague. I see three children, two births and I'm not sure if one of them are yours? You know I can't really see what happen here, maybe things will be clearer later in life." It sickens me to think that 13 years ago some lady told me about Aubrey, and until lately I didn't even know it. I like to think that it is all coincidence, it has to be , because I don't want anything about this period of my life to surround anything of my daughters...earthly or heavenly period.
I wouldn't change a thing ,I made my decision with my heart. It wouldn't be the first time that my heart got me into trouble , but I know looking at the girls I did good. I wanted them, I love them and the Lord help me have them.
So what is all this rambling about? Well, here I sit today scratching my head, now what, where , who...when...the biggie...why? By buying into all this stuff I allowed Satan a place in my life...yeah that was the part that they didn't tell me as I handed over my $40.00!
There should have been a warning sticker slapped on your forehead as you get theses services telling you that getting in this will only weaken your relationship with the Lord and by doubting fate, destiny the Lord's plan for you to be displayed in time you are basically calling Satan on the phone and telling him your weakness's, inviting him into your life. You chose to turn from the God's promise to you and take the buy out version, the road easiest traveled, the uncomplicated way. I guess at a glance it is attractive. Live life to the fullest, pure joy and simplicity until the due date comes on the bank note.
So here is my truest heart ache right now, did I allow this to happen to me and is the bank calling for their money? Has this year been me running from the "banker"(Satan)am I struggling because I know I had to pay the price, was Aubrey the price?
I won't know until I take my last breath, I pray that this is not the case, but lessen were learnt here, and if you are reading this take note....don't try this at home. Stay away from anything that will show your weakness to Satan, tell the Lord. He is the only on that can help, so why question yourself and torture yourself when you need to turn to him when you don't have to.
Enough of that. I really need to pray tonight and again ,I need you guys to help me!
You know they put warning label on food, drinks, games, toys...why not occult services. I am at a very hard spot his month. Rarely do I ever revisit this place in my life, but, as promised Satan always rears his ugly head in your weakest moment, and he has and he is feasting on my weakness's that I handed to him on a silver plate.
It is very tempting for me to go back one more time. Just ask where are my babies, should I let my husband go and be happier with someone else, are there more children, should I go back to work, how is my health, what is my purpose?
I won't, I'm struggling theses days, I know that I am responsible for alot of the struggles and saddness because of this "skelaton " so instead I have chosen to write this and pray about it. I have strayed many times from my faith in my walk to the Lord, faithful he has never turned his back to me. Finally a bit ago I realized that I needed to be faithful to only one in my life. The Lord. I promised him that I would not turn away again. "Trust in the Lord will all you do..." These days it is getting harder, but I will try to do right. To live in a Godly way doesn't always mean right the first time way so I may have a chance.
October 7, 2007
If you were wondering...
If you were wondering how I am...I am not okay.
I feel sick today, actually I felt sick yesterday and worse today. I have gotten to up my fertility meds to the max and they wreck havoc on my gut. Oral is the only thing we are doing now in hope to come up with IVF money. This time it seems to bother me more, before the girls i took this stuff for 3 years and rarely had any side effect, but it also was worthless, so there is hope with every "barf", every trip to the bathroom, it is working better this time.
I hate that I have become so hopeful in feeling sick. It's sick.
Anneliese has all but recovered from her injury. So is insanely crazy!
Someone out there pray for me tonight...I really need it. We really need it.
I feel sick today, actually I felt sick yesterday and worse today. I have gotten to up my fertility meds to the max and they wreck havoc on my gut. Oral is the only thing we are doing now in hope to come up with IVF money. This time it seems to bother me more, before the girls i took this stuff for 3 years and rarely had any side effect, but it also was worthless, so there is hope with every "barf", every trip to the bathroom, it is working better this time.
I hate that I have become so hopeful in feeling sick. It's sick.
Anneliese has all but recovered from her injury. So is insanely crazy!
Someone out there pray for me tonight...I really need it. We really need it.
October 6, 2007
Another first!
Two months out from the first birthday and Anneliese has decided to continue to document her first. This week we got our first stitches.
I know, I know...I think this is just the beginning though. There are four ~two inside and two outside. Theses are a result of falling down carrying walnuts. She fell on a very small but sharp rock half buried n the ground...who's thought? Well, now I will.
I flipped out to say the least. Of course it happened on my clock, Dad was at work. He called as he always does at lunch time and it just happened, so he heard the screaming and me freaking out. It was wicket deep and needed stitched but it sure did bleed like her head was to fall off and the screaming...oh how it broke my heart. I was so lucky though that her great aunt was there to drive us to the ER. I didn't think we would get there, because she was so freaked out and so much blood they ordered a CT of the head at the triage desk. They took us back very quickly. Wouldn't you know it, minutes after getting back there Dad showed up (yeah, he left work flipping out too!) and she started laughing, when they came to get her for the CT she was eating a sucker and playing peek a boo with the staff, then she showed them how she blows kisses, dances, turns in circles and runs and jump. Yeah, they cancelled the CT.
She must have knocked herself silly she was so wound up, the Dr. asked if this is her normal behavior. I told them proudly yeah she is busy girl. The doctor responded, well get use to this place, I think we will be seeing you a good bit.
The whole stitches procedure went well, she was papoose down but she didn't wiggle too much and after she was numb she didn't even cry until they had to dig out a chunk of broken nut.
I tell you this girl and her head. Her head has been a topic of discussion, investigation since birth and this is the area of all her injuries. Well, this is something that isn't on the diagnostic testing schedule but I can attest that Anneliese has a hard head, and is hard headed.
Well we are celebrating a birthday today and family is in so I have very little time to chat.
When we say our prayers tonight please include a Mom and Dad I have had the pleasure to meet because our daughters CDH, Jessica and Ashley and their sweet angel Parker. They are continuing to overcome the grief of losing a child but have chosen not to let this stop living. Unfortunately they meet obstacles in this so our prayers for strength and patience and their future couldn't hurt. I have a friend Carole and her family has had quite a year too. If you could add a prayer for them, they need a bit of strength, knowledge and good luck.
I know, I know...I think this is just the beginning though. There are four ~two inside and two outside. Theses are a result of falling down carrying walnuts. She fell on a very small but sharp rock half buried n the ground...who's thought? Well, now I will.
I flipped out to say the least. Of course it happened on my clock, Dad was at work. He called as he always does at lunch time and it just happened, so he heard the screaming and me freaking out. It was wicket deep and needed stitched but it sure did bleed like her head was to fall off and the screaming...oh how it broke my heart. I was so lucky though that her great aunt was there to drive us to the ER. I didn't think we would get there, because she was so freaked out and so much blood they ordered a CT of the head at the triage desk. They took us back very quickly. Wouldn't you know it, minutes after getting back there Dad showed up (yeah, he left work flipping out too!) and she started laughing, when they came to get her for the CT she was eating a sucker and playing peek a boo with the staff, then she showed them how she blows kisses, dances, turns in circles and runs and jump. Yeah, they cancelled the CT.
She must have knocked herself silly she was so wound up, the Dr. asked if this is her normal behavior. I told them proudly yeah she is busy girl. The doctor responded, well get use to this place, I think we will be seeing you a good bit.
The whole stitches procedure went well, she was papoose down but she didn't wiggle too much and after she was numb she didn't even cry until they had to dig out a chunk of broken nut.
I tell you this girl and her head. Her head has been a topic of discussion, investigation since birth and this is the area of all her injuries. Well, this is something that isn't on the diagnostic testing schedule but I can attest that Anneliese has a hard head, and is hard headed.
Well we are celebrating a birthday today and family is in so I have very little time to chat.
When we say our prayers tonight please include a Mom and Dad I have had the pleasure to meet because our daughters CDH, Jessica and Ashley and their sweet angel Parker. They are continuing to overcome the grief of losing a child but have chosen not to let this stop living. Unfortunately they meet obstacles in this so our prayers for strength and patience and their future couldn't hurt. I have a friend Carole and her family has had quite a year too. If you could add a prayer for them, they need a bit of strength, knowledge and good luck.
October 5, 2007
The hunt for CAAATTTT!
This is just an example of what our dear cats go through on a daily basis.
Austin, our oldest cat is good, but even he has his limits. They have become quite nocturnal lately....hummm... wonder why?
They are all really good with her, she is actually really gentle too, although their toys have become weapons...we are over all getting along nicely.
You have to pushplay to get the picture...cyber numb :/
Tick Tock Tick...KaaaBoommm!
Well, for those who have checked in lately you may have noticed that I haven't blogged much. I'm not in a real good spot right now, I don't have any idea when I will get in one either.
I hate the term or phrase "biological clock". I have always felt that how you feel and what you do determines your age not a number. Well tell that to my eggs! I'm getting older by the day, I think my body is working in some super sonic hyper speed. The window for IVF is closing in around me, I am trying so hard to tell myself that if it is to be it will happen...I am trying to make it through one day not devastated that she will be an only child, that I don't watch Anneliese hug another kid, love on pictures, hold and play with the baby, laugh at kids playing together on TV that Idon't let it rip my heart out. I don't want to replace Aubrey, I don't have to, she is right here with me , us. Is it so hard for people to get that I loved carrying my children. I love being a mother. That there is nothing I could ever get or do to replace the warmth I have just having them in my life. Maybe I'm a freaky hippie that was born too late in life and should have lifed a long time ago, seems today everybody cringes when I say we want more children...then it is followed by "what do you do..you know for a living?" Idiots.
This is so anti christian, and I can't believe that I am actually thinking it more less type it but it is in my heart so he already knows it...I could just beat the crap out of someone right now. Really. I wouldn't hurt my daughter, it would have to be someone that would or is directly interfering with my fertility. I guess at this point it would be...well, lets see....the banker, someone at the mortgage company, an idiot at the insurance company or lets go to the horse and get one of those people racking in millions a year selling kids to the highest bidder.
Yeah another turn down letter rejecting us as future adoptive parents but get this they said " at this time we are unable to find it possible to place you and your spouse as potential adoptive parents due to..." " however, at this time West Virginia is searching and seeking out families for foster care placement..." What is that freaking about!?
So basically they are saying if we gotta pay for the kid-then you'll do because your a good enough sucker to raise a emotionally scared child for pennies. But if we have a chance to remove the kid from our responsibilities(which means a social worker in the system actually did their job!)then we can't take the chance that any bad luck would force you to depend on us for welfare services because then we wouldn't get a pay raise...social services...Charity my butt. Jerks!
Well, it's late, I'm probably not going to ovulate this week but just in case the Lord would chose this week to give us a miracle...I guess I best shave my legs..You laugh, but if you have PCOS you know that this is not a task that is taken lightly.
Yeah..that sorta is another thing about IVF that i like. wink ~wink.
9 years of infertility and treatments and PCOS can really damper a "love" life.
"Making Love"...isn't that a carb loaded meal at the Olive Garden ,dessert and strong black coffee following a trip to the fertility clinic?
Have I mentioned I hate PCOS?
I hate the term or phrase "biological clock". I have always felt that how you feel and what you do determines your age not a number. Well tell that to my eggs! I'm getting older by the day, I think my body is working in some super sonic hyper speed. The window for IVF is closing in around me, I am trying so hard to tell myself that if it is to be it will happen...I am trying to make it through one day not devastated that she will be an only child, that I don't watch Anneliese hug another kid, love on pictures, hold and play with the baby, laugh at kids playing together on TV that Idon't let it rip my heart out. I don't want to replace Aubrey, I don't have to, she is right here with me , us. Is it so hard for people to get that I loved carrying my children. I love being a mother. That there is nothing I could ever get or do to replace the warmth I have just having them in my life. Maybe I'm a freaky hippie that was born too late in life and should have lifed a long time ago, seems today everybody cringes when I say we want more children...then it is followed by "what do you do..you know for a living?" Idiots.
This is so anti christian, and I can't believe that I am actually thinking it more less type it but it is in my heart so he already knows it...I could just beat the crap out of someone right now. Really. I wouldn't hurt my daughter, it would have to be someone that would or is directly interfering with my fertility. I guess at this point it would be...well, lets see....the banker, someone at the mortgage company, an idiot at the insurance company or lets go to the horse and get one of those people racking in millions a year selling kids to the highest bidder.
Yeah another turn down letter rejecting us as future adoptive parents but get this they said " at this time we are unable to find it possible to place you and your spouse as potential adoptive parents due to..." " however, at this time West Virginia is searching and seeking out families for foster care placement..." What is that freaking about!?
So basically they are saying if we gotta pay for the kid-then you'll do because your a good enough sucker to raise a emotionally scared child for pennies. But if we have a chance to remove the kid from our responsibilities(which means a social worker in the system actually did their job!)then we can't take the chance that any bad luck would force you to depend on us for welfare services because then we wouldn't get a pay raise...social services...Charity my butt. Jerks!
Well, it's late, I'm probably not going to ovulate this week but just in case the Lord would chose this week to give us a miracle...I guess I best shave my legs..You laugh, but if you have PCOS you know that this is not a task that is taken lightly.
Yeah..that sorta is another thing about IVF that i like. wink ~wink.
9 years of infertility and treatments and PCOS can really damper a "love" life.
"Making Love"...isn't that a carb loaded meal at the Olive Garden ,dessert and strong black coffee following a trip to the fertility clinic?
Have I mentioned I hate PCOS?
Tragedy gone good...
Well, the little girls who we don't know the name of yet is doing well. She should be out of the hospital by the end of the weekend if she is transferred on Friday back to our local hospital.
The story how this happened is of course, a load of crap!
Like everything in this town what really happens and what is put in the papers and what is reported "officially" never match, jive etc. So, I guess what we have here folks is a failure to communicate. Again. If this post wasn't to be grateful for this little girl's amazing recovery and to thank the Lord for carrying her the other day, I could turn it into a revolutionary bit very easy.
Martinsburg and politics. Two topics that create a chemical reaction inside of me!
The story how this happened is of course, a load of crap!
Like everything in this town what really happens and what is put in the papers and what is reported "officially" never match, jive etc. So, I guess what we have here folks is a failure to communicate. Again. If this post wasn't to be grateful for this little girl's amazing recovery and to thank the Lord for carrying her the other day, I could turn it into a revolutionary bit very easy.
Martinsburg and politics. Two topics that create a chemical reaction inside of me!
October 1, 2007
Tragedy...prayers please...
Okay anyone and everyone that you know please start a pray circle for this family.
I know nothing of the family, or the child, however today on our development the school bus backed over a 5 year old little girl. The situation is serious, they landed a helicopter to fly her out near our house. Enough said.
This family needs a miracle, if their daughter is not to survive this the family and friends will need great support and love from our Lord and the community.
The story , by word of mouth, is that the bus lost its first gear and could not get in gear, when it was removed from the development it still would not go into gear...this driver needs many prayers his/her way...what grief to carry, I can't even imagine how they feel, their family will need help through this tragedy too.
Please Lord, carry theses people, help us find and help them for their needs.
I know nothing of the family, or the child, however today on our development the school bus backed over a 5 year old little girl. The situation is serious, they landed a helicopter to fly her out near our house. Enough said.
This family needs a miracle, if their daughter is not to survive this the family and friends will need great support and love from our Lord and the community.
The story , by word of mouth, is that the bus lost its first gear and could not get in gear, when it was removed from the development it still would not go into gear...this driver needs many prayers his/her way...what grief to carry, I can't even imagine how they feel, their family will need help through this tragedy too.
Please Lord, carry theses people, help us find and help them for their needs.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)