White noise....

There are days when I feel like all I do is take up space, space in the house, on the earth in the world. It worries me that I could be murdered in broad day light in the center of NY City and probably everyone would say" Huh, there was someone standing there?"

I don't think that I am a high maintenance person, really? And I am not needy, I do get lonely though and more than not everyone is just so busy to just visit. Everything is about tasks, tasks for me, tasks for you...what ever happen to coffee and talking, having fun, something other than things I have grown to call "devils idol handwork". How come any conversation or fellowship has to revolve around a task, job or business. Maybe our society is lacking in so many areas because we forgot how to be friends and rely and seek fellowship. How come we are only kind and uplifting when we are receiving something?

Now I really don't want this blog to be only giant frilly pity party so I guess I just don't have anything to say. But as you can see I am very flustered right now. Every "project" or "goal" really they are our dream and hope for our lives has or is flopping, I feel like I am a teen again ~ floundering. Oh, pray you say...yeah been doing that , I really think that God wants to see what I am made of to get through this pass in my life...I'm afraid he is going to be disappointed.

I saw a tee shirt the other day on a very beautiful women at the mall, it read "God likes me better than you". At first I was wow! how rude, I have a very warped sense of humor but I don't think I could wear that. Mainly out of fear of being struck down. Then I sorta of snickered and thought wouldn't that be a kick in the butt if that was the Lords answer to all theses prayers I have been praying. After all ,I told or err...asked him that I am so confused and upset of what to do, were to focus my energies, please make it plain for me to do his will...Hummmm?

Was this the response?
I have always said it will be my luck to have died and when I get to the gates God say "Dag girl didn't you get it, I gave you all but the plague. I took your children, your family, your money, your pride, your looks, your hair, surrounded you with idiots, gave you the worse jobs, made it tough on your friends, I tried to get rid of you at birth, gave you PCOS,struck you with infertility and miscarriage, made sure you met every repair man in your county and you still want a' hang with us..? didn't you read the shirt on my angel I sent you October 2007?

Well, lets hope not. I am sure that God has a sense of humor but I am even more sure that the Lord would not lead me in twisted prank like that, but it is sorta lookn' like it....

Bye guys.

Check out the pearls!

Okay so these are the four top ones that are kicki'n mylil' girls butt. Wish me luck on getting pictures of the bottom!

It's all about the * bling *

Okay, I don't have anything real productive to add to my blog today either, however, I do have a funny lil' girl that has taking to flashy jewelry, pocketbooks and cell phones (play ones that is...).

Yeah, she is only one and already sporting more jewelry that I own.

The other day, Sunday, her father forgot to put up the cat gate and she escaped into the scrapbook room. This is like OZ to her, her eyes light up when she stares over the gate in there. I take her in every once and a while, now that she is very mobile, it is less than before. Well, since Sunday she has been sporting these Mardi Beads that we got from the Princess and Pirate Party in Disney last year. We take them off and she seeks them out, after her bath and PJ's are put on, they follow. Then yesterday she figured out that she needed to disconnect the bink from the holder so it would allow her to maneuver the beads and keep it in the mouth. We are trying to get off the bink but the teething is ripping her apart. I do feel sorry for her and she is a great kiddo so I haven't really pushed the bink, although we do get rid of it after morning nap and don't get it back to late in the evening so...baby steps! Today she has added the cell phone that has not left her hands....

By looking at this picture it does not appear as though I have done a very good job parenting. Her first word was "HI", so...errr....maybe I have talked too much on the phone? Any how she has grown big girl wings this week, or let me rephrase that, she has grown "wanna be big girl wings"!

To add to her never ending tricks that amaze me each day she has added, temper tantrums (yeah they are sweet...NOT!) she has officially figured out how to bite. Undressing herself. Oh yeah and the one that won her her first TIME OUT today...finding my last nerve and pushing my my button. If she just wasn't so stinking cute while she does it!

Thank God I have her...

So this is it. Maybe I can squeeze something out tomorrow.

I've been in the lost and found!

Yeah, if you have been wondering where I have been, I've been in the lost and found!

I have had a tough time of it lately, I don't know why but the last week has been a challenge. On top of it I'm trying to get all the fall projects done this week, which looks like now will be next week because I couldn't get out of my own way this week. Our net was down for 4 days due to someone trying to steal DSL from us. I'm a generous person but, come on, if we have to pay you gotta pay!

The angry girl scout is kick'n my butt this week, therefore I'm not at my best. Emotionally I'm really angry this week. It's been a while since I have been like this,you know, bad enough that you don't even want to be around yourself? I have managed to gain 5 of the 5 pounds I have lost and some! I have I mentioned I hate PCOS?

Well until I can get out of my way and write something productive, I'm off here, take care see you soon.

Great News!

Yeah there is great news, yeah you're right It's not ours.

Another new baby is expected in the family. A cousin and his wife. Yeah for them, I am really happy for them. I wish them a carefree pregnancy and a happy ending. Someone deserves them. I now know this is a greater miracle then I ever imagined.

I have a cold, Anneliese is getting sick and I think I am pouting. How not grown up! It hurts though, I feel really cheated.

On a not so selfish note, can you folks say a prayer for Carole(an amazing mom, wife, friend and blogger!) and her family, they could use some help in the health and strength department.

Gotta love those emotions!

Well, here I am again, staring at emotions that I thought would get better but, they haven't.
I am here to tell you if this day would last any longer, I am sure I could not handle it.

Today Autumn, my niece, had her 8th birthday party. It was nice because for once her father rose to the occasion and he actually had one for her, not us. On the other hand, he and his friend shared a party with their son who is 7 today. I know what is the big deal you ask, well, come to find out at the party this little boys father proceeds to stand up and bless the food, and thank everyone for coming, then he says"7 years ago we found out that our son was going to be very ill, probably die at birth, he had formed cancer in utero. After excellent care at CHOP and answered prayers we celebrate him today."

UUUGGGHHH, dang it, CHOP has fixed every child I have met since and before Aubrey but not Aubrey! Being humble is getting harder as time goes on. It was a beautiful day but no sooner than he said that the black clouds, the chill the heaviness engulfed me.

I 'm not pregnant again this month! I know big surprise!

Then when I come home a relative calls me, as she often does and is flipping out that she may be having a miscarriage but she is too afraid to go to the doctors, going on about what if it isn't meant to be, what if she is, what if she can't have anymore children, etc. Honestly, I am a compassionate person, and am not as cruel as I may sound here at this moment, but again, dangit! nobody cried with me during my now mounting 13 miscarriages, mine were to be gently not spoken of and I was given the proverbial "everything will work out" speech. Well guess what, a lot of the times everything doesn't work it self out, you just get so exhausted in the interim that you are unaware of the time that has past. In addition, she won't go to specialist because she is afraid, she won't try anything I tell her or even listen to my advice. Sorry, I may sound arrogant here but 13 miscarriages and 9 years of infertility, PCOS and injectables and IVF, not to mentioned over a dozen specialist and some quacks and alternative crap, I may just have a bit of knowledge that could help? Yet, I still only get the phone calls to pick up the pieces. I hate puzzles, almost as much as I hate cleaning up after others.

Vent over. Actually, it hasn't even touched the beginning but why should I take the last week out on anyone who is remotely interesting in sharing my life with me, I will save the bulk for the ones who make me need to vent! Amen.

There was a few things that was funny today, one was that there was a magician at the party. He was good. He made sure that she was up front so she could see. This he would later regret. Leave it to Anneliese, the youngest there I must add, to blow a trick.

The guy was setting the trick up, you know tapping the box, talking distracting every ones attention but Annelise's. The whole time she is yelling CCCAATTT! Everything is CCCAATT! but if you are around her enough that usually means an animal of some sort is near. The guys was laughing and so were the adults, he kept saying "oh, look we have a heckler!" Then whola! a bunny appeared then she yelled louder CCCAAATTTT! Busted, I bet we won't get front seats for that show anymore.
I was asked to make two cakes, I will post them soon, they were pretty tasty, I just wish I could get better in technique.

Her new tricks this week have been, throwing, slamming, wiggling the butt with dancing which used to be just bopping up and down, blowing bubbles with her spit, finger painting with her spit and shrugging her shoulders randomly. So the shock of the teeth has left her and she is fighting back now. If you hurt her watch out, there will be a nibble or a object coming your way. Oh, and she holds a grudge, it may take a few minutes to get it together but she will complete her task.

We went to see one of my old boss's on Friday, was nice short but things bothered me there too. Gosh, I am annoying, I even get on my own nerves.
Well, it's late and I need to mentally shut sown so I can try to sleep with out any dreams. Yet another post in the making.
Take care, missed you all!

Ice.

Well for those who have been following Anneliese's progress you know that we are saying dadada when playing, and everything, I mean everything is CAAAAATTT! Well today Anneliese has broke out of gates and she says ICE. IIICCCE!

For the last two days she has been putting her hand to her mouth and wanting my ice, eating ice has been going on for about two weeks pretty steady. It is only appropriate because during the pregnancy that is what I lived off of, so she gets it from me. I was sooo proud, a mommy trait ,so I thought until on the trip home from Erie she was really kicking in the "cranky moaning" , we blamed it on a host of things because honestly she is really not a difficult kiddo then TaDuh! Teeth! not just one to add to the lonely two bottom ones but 4, her two front teeth (bigg'n, look like chicklets!) and one top eye tooth and one bottom eye tooth.

She has put up a fight this past few days, but the teeth are winning! Yeah for her she may finally get eat better and get off formula, poor kid, 4 at a time. That's my little girl, tough, strong and an overachiever!

Honey we're home, tierd and happy.

So the long awaited trip to Shriner's Hospital for Children in Erie PA has come and past. Yeah! for us!

Our appointment was at 10:30 am, we got there early, like at 9:30 am they took us back around 10:00 am we were in the car to go home at 11:25am. Yeah!

Like most of Anneliese's appointments we spent half of the time talking and telling the story of the pregnancy, then the birth, then the two separate lives from the birth, then Aubrey's demise, then Anneliese's illness following that, then we get to the purpose of the appointment. But for one of the few times that we go through all of this I have to say that I did feel as though they absorbed each word and it was worth while.

When I refer to them as they,it is they, a nurse, a care coordinator, two interns, an orthopedic and a geneticist. Sounds sorta like that joke two priest and nun walk in to a bar!

They"globally" felt that she is fine, there are a few things that we should watch for but watch in terms of if she would develop any issues the sooner they would get addressed the better, but nothing threatening. Her hearing was practically perfect, hence they feel that tubes should not be used for fluid at this time. It was obvious to them that her motor skills are where they should be. This was determined pretty much by them having them having to chase and hold her down for exam. There was some "webbing" found in the cervical trapezium area, but minor to the extent that they would not correct with surgery. This could in the future need some attention but all felt it would be doubtful. They suggest that we continue with the ENT and oral surgeon for ear issues (like a lot of children, nothing serious, probably tubes in the future or something on that note) and her right jaw, which at her age we don't know what will need to do to correct (probably orthodontics at an earlier age than some,they feel a lot of this will correct it self with each growth spurt, this is a ll a result of phlaigocephaly that went undiagnosed for 5 months(thanks jerk pediatrician!)). So she is good, I am happy with her exam and although I was hell bent on getting x rays done before I left, was very at peace with them not wanting to do any.

The day before I left the therapist also referred to Anneliese as having a "big"head. Well they said that with the phagio, her measurements were not going to be accurate as they should be, and no her head is fine. I have tried to explain that she has all the strong features of both side of the family. Poor kid.

So that is that. She is as normal as we are, I don't know if that is a good thing of not, but she is what she is and that is just fine to us.

I wanted to take the time to thank each and everyone of you who have been supporting us through all of the ups and downs this year. Over the girls birthday we had many generous and touching words and gestures shown to us. It helps, you know blunt the blow to speak. I hope that now the year is over and we embark on another year with Anneliese and another year without our sweet Aubrey that I don't loose sight of you all, and over look your needs and friendship. It has been crazy this year, I am sure there are times where you all have questioned my mental state. I'm not crazy, a little loopy sometimes, a bit passionate but here.

A baby, a grannie and a mommy....

Haven't been on here much, sorry. I doubt it, but sorry if there is anyone who has spent their valuable time check'n out my blog and nothing new is here. Busy, that is about it.
Our yard has taken up most of my time here lately. Well, they say it is a yard but it is what it is, farm land! If I could harvest weeds we would be filthy rich, grass, now other than some nasty crab grass we would starve. Then there is the diet, the exercise and penny pinching! If I would just do it, but the 30 minute talk I have to have with myself before I exercise and eat well, that is what is so time consuming.

I Have spent most of the day today getting ready for our trip. Anneliese, Grannie and me are headed early tomorrow morning to New Freedom Pa, we are going to spend the night with my Aunt Ellen then leave in the morning for the long awaited trip to Shriner's Hospital for Children in Erie, PA.
We could use a little prayer here folks. I hope for this to be the final visit and closure to any complication to Anneliese resulting from Aubrey's condition. Yeah she has her little quirks about her, but frankly I am to the point that all the therapist may have to adapt like her to "that's just her". The phlagiocephaly has gotten a lot better over the last month, just a little pointy on the one side around her ear area, the torticollis, well, its better but still very restrictive, she has adapted...I guess maybe everyone else just needs to too. I hope this is the case. I am a bit fearful that they may find something. You know after something bad has happened to you , after you have been the 1 in 4000, 1 in 10,000 it is very realistic that anything is possible...bad that is.
So, I will stress about tonight, be SO flippy tired tomorrow and after the 4 hour trip with my mom and Anneliese we will get to Ellen's and burn the midnight oil, so probably on Friday at 10:30 I will comfortably numb to handle just about anything. As long as they don't tell me that she has a 46% chance of living if.....then I can do this.
Well things to do, butts to wipe, litter to change blah, blah, blah....I know you all want my life don't you?

Even a Princess has to be comfy...

Well, if a pictures are worth a thousand words, this is what Anneliese's first birthday was like!

She was a busy girl, we got to the farm about 3 hours before the party so she ran around, ate dirt, threw rocks and ripped up decorations just enough time to get messy, get cleaned up and take a nap right as her party started. Oh, well it was all about her!

And if your wondering, this is what Tom and I looked like that night~

Finally the pictures are coming in!

I know that you guys have to be sick of hearing about the party, and I am getting anxious for some pictures too! So finally they are dribbling in. Hey Bro-in-law, buy my sister a new computer!

The batteries ran low on my camera and I got very few pictures so I'm waiting on friends and family to forward what they have. There is a lot of the same pictures, hope to get some more this week.

Most are of the party, there is a few the night before where she was wearing her crown and whacking us with her wand. Then there is a few on her real birthday , her Auntie Brenda gave her bunny slippers, she loves them but she calls them CATS! Everything is CATS, even mommy and daddy!

There are a few where our nieces and us went to spend some birthday time with Aubrey. It was sort a neat, right where Aubrey is laid they built a pavilion and a playground for the church. Our family thinks that this is neat, Aubrey would have liked it, and she is right beside her Nana Priller and Joyce aka Nana Priller loved all kids, she loved the rotten ones more so she would have liked to know that they did this too. Leave it to our Aubrey, she probally demanded this even in heaven, or maybe Nana Priller made them build her one. Any ways it is nice.

Confused? Join the club!

Well, If you read the post yesterday you realized the biggest effect on me has been confusion, today is the day we laid Aubrey to rest, the 2nd , tomorrow we will one year since we brought Anneliese home.

I could of swore that yesterday was the 2nd, sorry if my fickle moments screwed up any of your fickle moments more!

I was a little ashamed when I went to Aubrey's and realized that it was the 1st while I was there! If she was around, I'm sure she understood, going back today, one more time.

You gotta love...right?

I really am not a nice person today,
I really don't like when I get like this
Acts of kindness, compassion, gesture of generosity has surrounded me all week, actually the past two weeks, so why am I so crabby today?

Annelieses has had a rash for going on the third day now,this little one won't be happy until she worries the tar out of me. Everything about her is always a mystery, until hind sight catches up.

I think the diet and life style changes are getting to me. They are good, fell off the wagon yesterday but, you know how that goes. I think my attitude is stinky because I really doubt that I will get pregnant again buy doing theses things. Who am I trying to convince, God?


Today is the day we laid Aubrey to rest, in my heart I know that she was resting the day we let her go, but in a mortal world, Grief World, she was laid to rest on the 2nd.


That was a bad day, it all sort of hit me, I don't know how it took until then, hormones, shock, disbelieve, but it did. I remember that day way to well, I would like to forget that day. I will go to her today, read her marker, then say a few prayers. I will ask her where she is, i will pray that the Lord still carries her until we are together again. Then life will proceed as usual.


There is a lot to do this week to go to Shriner's Hospital on Friday. I don't want to do that either, I really should not have put off going through all the medical records for the 30th time until this week.


I am struggling so and today my mom is telling me that Tom and I just have to be thankful for Anneliese and move on. Get on with our lives. To stop wanting things that we can't have. It makes me mad, "things"~ children called "things". We do know how lucky, and special Anneliese is, we appreciate every minute. I guess sometimes I do come off as being an ingrate, huh? But I'm not, ungrateful that is.


Seems like all my life I have been learning how to swim while I am drowning. I like to think of my self as a "passionate" person, I put all of me in everything that I do, try to do, most of the times I fail...at some point you gotta wonder if I am the reason for failure, after all if I have given all I have and it's not enough then I am the reason, right? I pray that the Lord is part of me, do think that maybe he just isn't interested? That would hurt!

My husband is killing himself trying to come up with ways to do another IVF, since the girls he wants more children probably worse than me. He is a great , wonderful provider and a awesome husband and father but I am struggling loving him right now. I love him don't get me wrong, but he seems very stand offish, and he doesn't seem to love me right now, of course this is how I feel. I think all of this is hard on men. They , for the most part, are not emotional creatures. Tom~now he is a creature of some sort but not emotional. I rant , rave, verbally vent but he just sits, ponders (i hope that is what he is doing for hours on the couch!). Tom has a way of accepting defeat well, I don't. He has always been the ying to may yang. He brings me down a notch, it is actually a good thing except for this month, I need another yang for my yang. I don't' need to be brought down, I feel like I need to be carried, dragged to and fro. I need my Dad. Dad would have fixed all of this I know it. Well, I know that he couldn't have fixed everything but he always tried and that felt good. My Mom has taken over where he left off, never saw that day coming, but she is there for us. It makes me sad our relationship, she wants to be there but she is still so grief stricken over my Dad she struggles so some days, different than my struggles. Because of this I don't think she lets herself feel my passion for more children, for being the Mom I want to be for Anneliese. She is one of the reasons that I want so badly to have more children. I love having my sister in my life, she is the best Grannie ever, I can't imagine having more children and not having her to share them with. But on her side I do understand that when your heart hurts pushing through the pain to love and look for more is hard, takes a lot of energy and strength. Father's Day was three years, feels like 30 since I have seen him, heard him, touched him just like our Aubrey today, been a year since she was laid to rest but I'm sure that I haven't seen her in 30 years, felt her, touched her.

Year ago tomorrow we brought Anneliese home. Finally 9 years 39 weeks and 6 days from our first miscarriage we brought our baby home. Sweet, no remember it's Whitney's World so it was bittersweet!