Our Angel Day and a Homecoming.

August 28th 2006
One year ago today at 7:30 September the 28th Anneliese was packed up in an Ambulance and started her journey back home. Hagerstown, closer to home that is. It was hard to send her off out that door then go to the NICU and send Aubrey to heaven. There was going to be no one to run and hold after Aubrey left, for 6 hours we were not going to have either of them, then when we got closer to home, Anneliese she would be one, never two again. When I would hold her for the first time today I would imagine saying good bye to Aubrey, this is really a tough spot to be in, a blessed spot, but tough.

When we got there all the staff was standing around her saying good bye, collecting momentos.


When I left her the other night I asked her to return to the Lord, ask him and let me know. We went in for a while, a short while. She had gotten worse since the early morning. I couldn't do it anymore, I just knew she was suffering. The message was clear. Dying and going to heaven was the worse thing for us, but not the worse thing for her. Had they not said they were stopping I would have stopped that day.


The social worker wanted us to hold her. We couldn't, I couldn't. I couldn't ask that of her she was so very swollen, her precious dear skin ready to pop. All I asked of her was to fight, it was about trying to save her. She is saved now. I had so much awe and respect for her little body that I couldn't think of it, I couldn't hold her, I never wanted to know what it was like to hold my lifeless baby. I think no one understood Tom and I about this. We had a hard time going and holding Anneliese and watching her be so flipping out cute then go to Aubrey's side and watch her struggle so, I told Tom that my heart just couldn't take holding my 17 lb baby that is not with us anymore then go back and hold Anneliese who is 6 pounds, Aubrey weighed less than her when she was born, they should have been the same feelings. We told them after we saw her that enough was enough, the Drs. told us we could have all the time we wanted. We told them thank you but we have asked enough of everyone, they knew when they talked to us yesterday that she had a very extensive brain event. My only request was she feel no pain, have no pain, we asked them to put her going home clothes on, I told them for a moment when we say good bye I want her to be a baby. I want her in baby clothes. She looked just like I thought she would. Her pink dress clashing with that ruby red hair. She did this one for me. I hugged her and kissed on her, Tom held her hand. At her last breath she squeezed Tom's hand. My sister Beth and Nephew Keaton were there also, we prayed.

At 9:06 one year ago today Aubrey Evangelene Grace Priller took her last forced breath. She was once again back in the heavens she was born from. It was very quick, a blink of an eye.


Tom still has dreams of this and can feel it all the time. She always squeezed his finger, never mine. She was very sick, they said that it was not voluntary, be he took it very hard. There is a split second that your mind goes a million miles a minute and you think OH STOP! Tom' felt that was her telling him to stop. I have promised him that if the Lord was going to show us to fight that she would not have gotten so bad in 8 hours.


To draw a line down handling Aubrey's situation and Anneliese's situation was very difficult. I know that we missed out when we didn't have too, and had more when some don't. I may regret some of that now but I know we did what we had to do to make it through one of the most difficult days I thought I would have in my life.


Let's face it folks, there is no perfect situation to lose your baby. There is nothing you have, or nothing that you will have that will fix it. You do your best, you get through each day as you can. You strive to make some of those days purposeful, the others you just try to make until the next day.


I'm sad, sad like I miss her, I long for knowing her, wondering what life would have been like in this already crazy house. I'm not sad that because she is gone she isn't suffering, hurting, struggling like she was. I'm not sad that she is with the Lord, a lamb in his flock shining down on us.


I wanted her really bad in our life. I had nothing but hope and love for her, I still do. No one will ever know the love I have loss. You are not supposed to, the Lord does and he will help me with the heartache, the pain, the sadness.


James Taylor has been a favorite of mine for ever, I should have been born about 10 years earlier~if this going greener thing wasn't about to do me in I would go Hippie~


This is about all I can say, I sung this song for two days before she left us, now it is so right for us.

I've seen Fire, I've seen rain.
Just yesterday morning they let me know you were gone
Susan the plans they made put an end to you
I walked out this morning and I wrote down this song
I just can't remember who to send it to
I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again
Won't you look down upon me, Jesus
You've got to help me make a stand
You've just got to see me through another day
My body's aching and my time is at hand
And I won't make it any other way
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you again
Been walking my mind to an easy time my back turned towards the sun
Lord knows when the cold wind blows it'll turn you head around
Well, there's hours of time on the telephone line to talk about things to come
Sweet dreams and flying machines in pieces on the ground
Oh, I've seen fire and I've seen rain
I've seen sunny days that I thought would never end
I've seen lonely times when I could not find a friend
But I always thought that I'd see you, baby, one more time again, now
Thought I'd see you one more time again

Oh and by the way...

The angry girl scout came beating on my door today so there is no need for testing this month, again. I'm sad,but I was already sad. Today would have been a good day to get a positive, but I guess there is hope for next month? right?

"THE" talk.

We went to see Aubrey this morning one year ago, after a night of begging, praying for the miracle that I had been waiting on. When we walked in the room, I died. She was worse, they didn't call, why. There was no reason to call there was no treatment for the situation to get approval on, on ECMO she wouldn't die.

I told Tom right then and there that when they come in this is it we can't do this anymore, I can''t do this to her anymore. I a remember asking the nurses and techs if they were coming in to tell us its over? They said well sorta. They said that they had pulled out everything they could and her kidneys have stopped completely. And they were concerned about the seizing. I told them to go ahead and call the Drs., I didn't want to wait to see them.

The talk with Aubrey's Drs. turned out to be not good. They will be taking her off the ECMO in the morning. We were heartbroken, no hope, there was no room for a miracle although they said that they didn't want to take her off until she was on ECMO 14 days, that was the limit for them with no improvement and they promised us that. They said that they would try to kick in dialysis but she would sure need a kidney transplant if it remotely worked, and she would never get one because she was clinically brain damaged. She had too many seizures and her o2's were too low for too long during her heart stunning. They want us to consider an autopsy because they really are perplexed why she did not respond to any , in any way treatment and some. They asked us when? We told then we would be there at 8 and we would let her go at 9. I told then that I wanted her to have no pain even if that meant I couldn't hold her or touch her but I didn't want her to be alone. It was cold, it felt callus, I will never vote for the death penalty now.

This night lasted for ever, there were two times that we almost called them and did it in the middle of the night, she worsen so almost each hour I went to see her. I remember telling her how much i loved her, I remember watching her heart rate and wondering what my life would sound like with out it. I remember the pain, the words are too hard to revisit. Our last night together was the first night I really talked to her, told her what we wanted for her, about her family, her room her cats. Our plans for her our hopes and dreams.

For the first time in 38 weeks 6 days Aubrey listened to me, she went to Jesus the other night and he told her his plans for her and she never came back, I could tell, she was gone waiting for us to let her body go. I promise God, I promised her.

When they say life is not fair, I think they meant freaking unfair and cruel.

You don't know sweet Aubrey but I miss you more than you will ever know.

The day the earth stood still.

One year ago today we got a talk, not "the talk" but a talk, the nurses and the ECMO tech said that the doctors wanted to see us. They called and Dr. Andes came down to meet us in Aubrey's room. Things were not looking good. They were putting her on top of rounds and meeting with some other specialist but they wanted to meet with us around 9 the next day. She looked at her chart, tweaked it a bit, She left with a fake smile on her face. We knew. Things were not looking good.

I could barely stand to look at my precious daughter, for so long I begged for her, prayed for her, fought for her and it killed me to look at her there on that platform, swelling, turning shades of red, her poor hands never really getting pink always a tad blue, her scalp too.

We left for a bit , went down the hall around the corner, down the elevator, off to another part of the hospital hoping to hear good news about Anneliese, she is fairing, getting better but we have at least a week of treatment ahead of us, the nurse mentioned that Dr. Andes called checking up on her status, her outcome. They were feeling out the situation. They knew we had been brave but how much could I take. They were good like that , they cared about having to tell us bad things. It meant a lot. Still does. It was like getting into a damn cold pool after sunbathing for 10 hours in 100 degree sun. each inch was a heavy dose of reality.

We called our families, told them if they haven't prayed for her yet they better get going, she needs it to pull out of this. We set outside an talked, a lot, We thought we knew were this was going, always one step ahead, I needed to talk this out first.

I went back and stayed with Aubrey , Tom went with Anneliese, we met downstairs hugged, cried, smoked, pretended to eat and switched places. We stayed at the hospital and showered and waited until morning.

That night I sat in Aubrey's room, so so so much white noise, they were really hitting her with both barrels so touching her just set her in a frenzy, we talked about death. The ECMO tech and the nurses and I. Nobody wanted to talk about this with me. They told me things that I can request to do with her before she dies, you know if she dies, they would say. I asked if she knows me...they didn't know. Just when I couldn't bare anymore and I couldn't hold back the emotions Tom showed up, we were switching. Two other ECMO techs came in the one caring for Aubrey, so did a couple of nurses. They told Tom and I that it was totally not professional for them to do this, that they are sorry to offend us but they wanted us to know that they admired us.

Go figure. I was confused. They told us that they were so honored that we respected Aubrey for her life, spirit, her soul. They were so honored that we accepted her condition with our heads high, that we didn't make them experiment on her. There were a few really horrible things that they could have tried at one point but they were horrible, I can't even talk about it. They said that they knew how much we loved her, they were shocked how educated on CDH and all her equipment and test she required, that this made our communication easier. We talked for hours, I can't remember all of it but I can remember feeling that for almost two weeks nobody said Whitney, your a good Mom, you are taking care of your girls well. In short, it helped a bit, to know that in all of this that I may have done something right, that as her Mom I did the best I could, not much, but the best I could.

I left, Tom stayed, he was her warrior, I was her planner.

I kissed her goodnight, said our prayers, I begged her to try for one more night to get better, to let us know what to do. I told her to go to Jesus, ask him if you are to stay with us, or come home with him. I told her that what ever he wants , we will let her go.

For once in 39 weeks and 1 day Aubrey listened. She went to Jesus and talked to him.

Somewhere in the bible I know that there is a passage that reads something like...Do not focus on the past of deeds and life gone by for he has a new in your name, great future for you... I should probably find that tonight. I have promised myself in addition to everything else this year to stop all the "first year", "one year from" September 3rd. I need to continue to kick this horse while it is down, but September the 3rd she is out of here!

I might be on a diet but I don't like SPAM!

Okay I don't know who you are but I don't want SPAM! or sales pitches on this blog. Final.

Not even a little bit of SPAM! not even a few sales pitches.

I don't want to go private, it is my right to let it ll hang out. Bored get your own blog. Need a friend? quit asking for people to send you money!

I have put a few tweaks on my blog that I didn't want to have to resort to but hopefully that will keep a lot of SPAM jerks from posting.

Sorry there is always one that ruins it for everyone. You know that one bad apple will spoil the whole bushel? it's true!

I hope you feel like crap now!

Babies, Babies and more Babies.

Okay, here is the deal.
I have spent a lot of time talking about my self. I know very interesting but I have to redirect for a moment.
CDH, a hernia (hole) in the diaphragm is a horrible dish to be feed. I can't even get into the complications that arise from the pregnancy to the birth to the surgery on the child to the recovery. I have a site that is being built that will explain things better but for now if I had to be elementary about it, it would be best described that
1/4 pass at birth or prior
1/4 pass in the first 2 weeks
1/4 survive surgery with major complication through out their life, including ventilator dependency, feeding tubes and other such things.
the other 1/4 survive. The have their surgery they scare the holy crap out of everyone that is contact with them but they make it through.
It doesn't matter where your baby falls in the previous said ratio's. Stolen from you are things that you can't even imagine, if your child overcomes an obstacle you become blinded to their things, if your child falls back your are reminded of everything. If you lose a child to CDH, then nothing seems possible, and everything would be better.
A CDH child surviving is the best option to this birth defect, you have pain, not the pain of a lose, but you serve enough time that over a period of time watching your sweet baby constantly in distress of getting a treatment of some sort that you grandfather in and surpass the grieving. however it is lifetime of what if's, "waiting for the other shoe to drop" so to speak.

The reason that I bring this up tonight is there is a little guy named Joesph Olsen. Tomorrow is his birthday, a real birthday, he was born in to this world, reborn and returned to the heavens in the same day, the same hour. Please if you read this today say a prayer for his family, Joesph is safe now, healthy but his parents and family have a journey without him that at days can be a struggle down right unbearable. His pictures and their story is at the blog site that his Mom has made for him. www.ajourneyfromhere.blogspot.com

There are so many that I have met, their parents , their babies. I really don't' want to talk about them without making sure it is okay first so, maybe you'll see more on them later.

Your chances for future children sucks! That will be $35.00 please.

Yep, the appointment didn't go well.

I left with the IVF forms. I told them to hold on to them, that when I sold all my blood, a kidney, a lung and all my and my husbands extra body parts I would be in touch. Hell, the forms would probably dry rot, the ink fade before I could sign up for that again.

I'm going to continue everything that I'm doing, but it will be harder now, the goal less obtainable.

I'm pissed today. Why does "love making" have to be such a freaking chore, a task, a big la da freaking da deal!. There was a time when it was what it was. After the pre and post acrobatic ordeal really who wants to do it again tomorrow? I know there are probably some sick-o's out there who are thinking Oh weeeee! acrobatics and sex. Well yeah it sort of loses it risky appeal when the partner mentally is thinking 1000 other things other than lets enjoy this. Trust me I probably have made sure that Tom never enjoys sex with me again! An a basic function like eating. What of it, everything I put in my mouth has become the enemy. There is that lovely air which has proven more than once purposeful.

Well that is enough on that topic, just stinks. We have been deemed to poor by two agencies for adoption. So yeah that old saying you can't live on love is true. Fertility Gods (Dr.s) say without it I doubt, it would be miraculous, and we all know that I'm not the magnet for miracles.

Anneliese has on her first pair of Converses, they are high top and pink. She looks cute in a sort of kind of way, a little on the tough side but with that black eye taking its time to disappear, it fits. I think we are going to the park to day and get some of that fresh air that I have been talking so much about, work in a little exercise, who knows maybe a miracle will find me. I tell you what though, if I see a stray one ~ its mine! Mine, Mine, Mine!

I aint in Kansas any more!

This was so totally not the week to go green, even if I am only going a shade or two towards the greener side. My nerves are itching me, I think I have ripped Tom's head off enough for a lifetime the past few days. I have another fertility appointment tomorrow~uuugghhhh, please pray for some good news for Tom and I. There are days where I feel so flustered. Everything I try to achieve I get shut down on, some days all I achieve is doing things to improve everyone else's life. Not being selfish is something that I try to be, it is really important for me to give, but come on...

In five days it will have been one year that our journey changed. Prepared to spend months in Philly so Aubrey could heal would be thrown out the window. I would get myself packed up in a matter of minutes at the Ronald McDonald House and head home. I should have taken more time to say good bye, I should have did the NILMDTS pictures, I should have put more thought before walking out that door for the last time. I should , I should , I should, I could, I could, I could, I would, I would, I would...but the end would have been no different. Everything that I did was to help my girls. Everything from the moment they said Aubrey was gone was about my healing, Tom's healing, Anneliese, our families. Frankly at that day,at that point, I just want to get home. CHOP is where hope lives, my hope was gone, I felt evicted, so unworthy. There is a feeling in my gut, I can't explain it, or even begin to try to tell you what it is but this feeling is attacking my nerves. I have tears just sitting on the edge of my lids waiting for permission to run.

I have such a responsibility to myself, PCOS has caused me so many health issues and this year I have let my emotions take over. I will beat PCOS again, just each time I have more damage to recover from. Bad thing about this is that I am getting older and I have less time to get back where I need to be. I will do this though, for me, for Anneliese, for Aubrey ( how could I ask her to fight and I not?)for Tom, for our future children.

I doubt very seriously that a cigarette or even a sugar loaded cake or gummy candy would help so this helps me know that those things are just another way to run from the truth. So, I am breathing through this. It is a good plan, it is cheap, it is fat free, carb free and with a little incense pleasant. I am such a strong person in so many ways but behind this strength stands a lot of props! I'm slowly cleaning out the closet though. I hate the smell, taste of cigarettes. It is such a gross habit, but I do enjoy that cup of coffee and a cigarette in the morning. Since I can't have regular strong black coffee anymore, then the cigarette in the morning has lost its lure. The cigarette after a good meal or dessert has lost her bling too since there is no more good meals and my idea of a dessert cigarette isn't one that follows egg white meringue with cinnamon! Personally if I didn't have the fear of picking up a new habit while I was trying to kick all the old ones I'd have a few drinks this week.

Exercises hasn't gone too good, I don't have the energy, I just want to go to bed and try to sleep past this week, then the next, for some reason I guess I think that after the 3rd of September it will all be behind me. See that is why I am the way I am, a realist true but I have the ability to set my self up for a lot of disappointment.

Thanks for the time to vent. I'm sure I'll be back!

Where's Aubrey?

The funniest thing happen this last night, instead of standing on the deck smoking, you know sneaking like a rebellious school girl, I did right by my eggs and just went out for some fresh air. Less than 24 hours into this greenish me and I'm already grasping at straws.

Well, I refer to this as funny but not funny haha, but funny odd to me. There was a break in the storms that we have been having and I went out to get the fresh air and I found myself just staring up. Up like I expected to see something, I was glaring, squinting, then I wondered what I thought I'd see? Was looking to see a flashing sign with an arrow saying "Heavens Gates", I got a sick feeling in the stomach. For the first time I was looking for Aubrey. Again, for the third time since Aubrey passed away my head played a cruel trick on me, for the moment I think I really thought I'd see this little precious baby with wings sitting in the clouds or something.

I remember the first time that my head did this to me and it was at her funeral. I did as well as expected until it came time to leave. For some off the wall reason the moment after I laid my hand on her tiny closed casket(we never saw Aubrey after we left CHOP)there was a panic in me, a final moment, I flipped out a little bit, my stomach hurt so bad, my breast tingled. For some reason for a moment my head told me that they would call, CHOP that is and tell me that I did everything right, I passed the test come get her.

The call never came. By the time I got to the car I realized that this came from no where and this was the last of my hope...fleeing, floating to heaven like her balloons.

About six months after Aubrey's passing for about a week I could hear a baby cry. Anneliese isn't a crier, well until the last few weeks. I only heard it when I was trying to go to sleep. It would keep me awake until late in the night, I would go check on Anneliese, I turned off the monitors, still I could hear this, it was muffled. I never heard Aubrey's cry, I don't even know the sound of her voice, after the fact I think this was my heart needing to know that sound, to connect with her so badly, I never connected, she never opened her eyes for me, just slept.

So here I am again, wondering where's Aubrey? I know she is in heaven but lately my head is needing more than that, like an address or something. When I go to the cemetery I don't feel her there, I don't feel here at home, there are no signs, occasional butterflies but them I am surrounded by butterfly bushes. If she could come back to visit just once or leave a sign wouldn't you think she would come to me, I was all she knew for 37 weeks when she was happy and healthy. I really wish that God would find it fit for us to have more children, I pray that he allows a bit of Aubrey to be in them. So here I sit today, maybe I am hallucinating from carb withdrawal, I must be because I am praying for "them" as in having more than one, I 'll be lucky if I can have at least one, maybe Aubrey is calling me and I can't get it, am I so wrapped up in my hurt that I am ignoring her? Was she so very gone before she came here that she knows nothing else but heaven? Maybe I'm just at the real point where shock, sadness, disbelieve and hurt ends and true grief starts. The day of realization that this will never change, she is gone, really gone for ever and ever, no matter what.

I guess when he say's ashes to ashes, dust to dust, he really ment it.

Old habits , New followers.

It started 10 years ago with my husbands love of sugar wafers, and here I go again. Anneliese has gotten her love of theses cookies from her father. Almost everyday, after work Tom gets his snack and then takes a nap, since we have brought Anneliese home this has been her routine too, the nap. Since the 17th of this month she now requires a snack too!

I could take another life on once Tom gets home, her Dad is her best bud~ with or with out cookies. Another favorite snack is cheese and olives. Honestly I don't think there is anything that this kid won't eat, especially if her Dad eats it first.

Junk food isn't my ideal of a good habit but compared to all of mine, it is the healthiest. Today I have promised myself that I am going green, well, greener, greenish.

PCOS stinks, to be frank it sucks! So today I will have to remove any hint of enjoyment and fun from my life so that I can increase my chances a bit more to conceive again.

Things could get ugly on here folks, this means absolutely no sneaking any cigarettes. I'm done with them. This means that there is no more caffeine, no more bread, no more carbs of any kind for two weeks then other than complex carbs which boils down to carbs in veggies and beans, still no bread. There is no place for cookies, granola, chips, potatoes....ssshhhiiigghhh.

This is going to be really hard, I have shifted some of my sadness and grief over to pop tarts and chips, and of course everything that I have ate in the last year seems to be fried,served on or wrapped in bread. This won't be as hard as losing my daughter, sweet Aubrey, but this will be a challenge.

Going homeopathic doesn't' taste good. I have 17 vitamins and supplements to take with water 4 times a day...yeah if they get stuck they taste real bad, but then the emptiness I have doesn't taste too good either! I bought some fertility tea, I am not going to disclose what I paid for it, but I am a little disappointed. The phamplet that I got it from stated that it had a pleasant taste~yeah right, if you call cut grass pleasant. Cut grass is a nice smell but personally I don't think it is a nice taste, actually I don't even think it is a tolerable taste, but XX amount of money later, I will do it.

Exercise! yeah I need to do a lot of this too! UUUGGGHHHH, or EERRRRRRR how did I get this way? When did it happen, I guess all those night that I surfed the web looking for hope, trying to find peace, soothing the soul. On my crusade to save money for IVF I introduced a lot of bad habits, anything bad is easier to do, cheaper etc, so I brought a lot of junk food and prepackage food into the house, you don't see coupons for fruit and veggies, or even chicken, only carb loaded, tasty morsels of soul soothing carbs.

This is not good the first day and I'm already focusing on carbs. The first two weeks are the hardest, then about 6 weeks into this it is hard again, I guess it is your conscience tapping you hoping to get it's last carb fix.

So this all started this week with the girls birthday, then the impending day we said goodbye to sweet baby Aubrey, the other half of my soul. I have found when you take junk food from the soul you have to heal all over again. Junk Food you suck, carbs, I hate you, PCOS-go destroy someone else's life!

Black n' blue...boo hooo hooo!

Yep, just like the title reads.

We are black and blue and there has been a lot of boo hooo hooo'n around here.

As I mentioned in previous post, Anneliese has taken to walking very well, it is her passion. She is happy all the time as long as there is one foot in front of the other.

Bam! That is what it sounded like. Her head hit the floor and with her torticollis her dear head hits first, Tom assured me that she hit her cheek...10 mins later she had a black eye!

This happened the evening after her party, so her "real" birthday party pictures will have a black eye. She looks pathetic really, sad but tough. She is tough, her therapist say all the time how tough she is. I remind them that she had a sister that beat the crap out of her and literally stuffed her in a hole for 5 months, she had to get tough.

I am hoping that the eye heals sooner than later, she is to get her first haircut on Wednesday. Yeah I wont go there it makes my sad...my baby getting a doo! She was to get pictures on Thursday, but we may hold off, we were doing our family and I would like to not commemorate with the bruiser!

I think it is getting darker each day. Good news is that her white count went down she is on the mends, the bad news is we go to the ENT (finally) in the morning to get something done with the ears.

August 14, 2006.

This is the best day of my life.

I met theses two amazing little babies that grew inside of me for 37 weeks and 2 days. I watched them move, I felt them move, I saw them smile, I felt their hiccups, kicks, wiggles. They are my dream come true.

On my birthday I found out that Aubrey was going to have a real tough road ahead of her, that next week Anneliese took a not so favorable position and allowed Aubrey all the room she needed. We never really from that day on got any good looks at Anneliese, but we did get wonderful pictures of Aubrey.

I have a heavenly angel and an earthly angel. They took care of each other while inside me. They take care of me now. Aubrey is a constant reminder that there is more to life. As much as I hate to think it, even more to say it, there is a bigger picture. Anneliese is just my everything, she brings me so much joy. At one year old (yikes! I can't believe it!) she gives so much more than she takes. She is also a constant reminder that today will only be here for 24 hours, don't waste it on the things that are not important.

I have always had a value on life, maybe it was so strong because we went through so much to have them, maybe because we loss so much before we got them...I don't know but having them just made all the more to me.

I can hardly remember how little Anneliese was, i look at pictures and WOW! I am so sorry that I missed the first 6 months of this little girls life, I cheated my self, I cheated her, but my heart was mourning. When your heart hurts that bad it instinctively gets tough. I hope one day she will forgive me for what I write. I am guessing that she will be like me and not get her parents till she is one herself.

Dear Lord, I pray that she never feels the heart ache that I carry and can easily have the family she wants.

I think I am in as much shock today as I was one year ago. We went to the cemetery, Anneliese hang out for a few moments, we prayed, more for us than for her. I had to clean up her spot. there are many people who bring things to her, remember her on the holidays but she is on the hill so her spot gets a lot of wind and weather. How can only a year ago we be somewhere different, so different than here...I trust in the Lord that he knew what was best for us and Aubrey but as I hold Anneliese, love her, I can't even imagine what?

The party...Once upon a time there was a Princess and Angel

As promised here is my post on the girls birthday party.

First of all there were no profound words of wisdom spoken, there was no epiphanies, it was what it was. A wonderful day to remember two very special little miracles in each own right. It was sad, it was happy, it was funny and a bit frustrating but I wouldn't give it up for anything.

Secondly, there are a few things that makes a party. I can tell that this post could get long so I will try to subtopic. Guest, Weather, Decorations, Entertainment, Presents, Cake.

Last...I will probably not have any good pictures until next week, my camera batteries fizzled so I am relying on others.

Over all if given a number between 1-10, I would say it was a 6.

GUEST
There was a decent turn out, many I wish I would have seen, a few I could have done with out. But then I was reminded that this wasn't about me, but about my girls so over all it was a 10. It has to be because there are no more first...birthday's that is.
WEATHER
Our prayers for heat relief were answered in the form of wind, this was nice and made the day bearable weather wise, however the decorating hit a few hitches. We spent a while trying to get things to stay then gave up and let the kids decorate.
DECORATIONS
Aubrey's table was decorated in everything butterflies. She had butterfly balloons, purple and white balloons, there was butterfly cake plates and napkins, she had butterfly bubbles for the kids and butterfly fans for the adults. Her cake was beautiful, it was chocolate, I just knew in my heart that if Aubrey would have been here to pick her cake out she would have picked chocolate, after all it is the messiest right? There was a large golden cross decorated with flowers. It read Happy Birthday Angel Aubrey...
We used her headstone arrangement for the centerpiece and to hold all the balloons for the real ease.

Anneliese table was pink, pink and more pink there was some white and purple too. She had a lot of princess balloons and a few with unicorns. I made her two cakes, one was her "smash" cake . It was a Barbie cake decorated like a princess with a 1 on it, then I made a rice crispy castle. This was the neatest thing I have ever done, (yeah I'm a little proud)it went of with out a problem until the heat got to it, her birthday cake was white and it had a cute little princess on it with a frog. It read Happy Birthday Princess Sarah Anneliese. She gave out party bags after a scavenger hunt. At the beginning of the party the kids were given a packet that announced that Anneliese had been kidnapped by the Dragon of Poor House Farm. (she was napping) They had to complete the task to collect their prizes, everyone won, of course, and she gave them their party bags. She also gave out unicorn tape (gum) to the kids and "my 1st Birthday mints packs to the adults.
ENTERTAINMENT
The scavenger hunt was really a lot of fun, I will definitely put more effort in that next year. We did a water balloon toss several times, the kids loved it, we did the cotton ball on the spoon race. Well let me go off topic for a moment on this. You know theses kids today are really smart, on the first race only one made it back with no trouble the cotton ball never fell off, I thought HUMMM very talented young one, then on the second and third race they all came back with no problem. After investigation, they spit on the cotton ball to wet it so it would stick to the spoon....honestly! So if you play this game be very clear the condition in which the cotton ball and spoon must stay! The pinata was fun but not recommend until the kiddos are all older! During the scavenger hunt they had to do things like a ball toss, three legged run, obstacle course.

Then there was the balloon release. I put if off till the end because the thought of it made me get teary eyed. Well, I should have done this at the beginning of the party, by the ending the kids were tired, I was tired - you get the picture, however it went well, everyone took a balloon and wrote the name of a loved one that was no longer with us, to be remembered that day as all other days. We said a prayer for peace and healing and love. I made tags and laminated them that said "Speak my name and I will never truly be gone..." There were 75 released. There is a email address of fullheartsenptyhands@yahoo.com on them if anyone should find one. A special butterfly balloon was released by Anneliese to her sister, we had received tags from Terri Helmick honoring Ms. Ava's brave battle with CDH and her proud sisters Lexis and Emmaline contributed each one too for their sacrifices and great care they give Ava. We received tags from K Myers honouring her two sweet angels ~ Of course I had a special balloon for Aubrey's heavenly friend Joseph M. Olsen, he and Aubrey were soul siblings from the start just their parents didn't know it. I had a bunch of balloons together for all us moms and dads who have lost a baby to CDH, there is a lot that we had no control over but for that moment when I let them go we all wanted our love to reach our babies. For the wind and everything they really did fly high. I plan to check today the email to see if anyone found one. I think when I released our balloon for Aubrey I cried the hardest, this was all I could physically do for her. Stinks really.
Of course off topic again but important to Aubrey's story...
At Aubrey's funeral we had ordered balloons for a release, if you recall there was the tail of a hurricane coming through our area September the 2nd 2006. Long story short, the balloons tied down to a ceramic cross blew right out from under the tent in a steady downpour of rain and flew right to heaven, cross and everything,straight up. This was funny for several reasons. One Aubrey in utero demanded everything, and pretty much got her way. She was impatient! (a mommy trait) Secondly, with the rain it would have been difficult to get those balloons to rise straight up. (I'm sure with some physics it may have been possible but the neatness of her balloons deifying gravity gives me a thrill so let it go!)

PRESENTS
We are very happy to report that we received quite a few donations, although we requested that the donations be in lieu of presents for Anneliese she didn't go with out either. I don't think she will have any trouble becoming spoiled...Lord help us. Some of her favorites are the books! kid loves her books. She got a Radio Flyer scooter and helmet. Scooter good, helmet bad! She likes her dolls and cuppies. She got a "Sydney Bodidney" puppy that barks from her neighbor. They have a real basset named Sydney, Anneliese loves dogs, so she gave her a stand in until we can melt Tom's heart to let us have the real thing.

We know of about 30 donations to the Ronald McDonald House of SNJ, there was 2 sizable donations to the Labor and Delivery Triage at HUP ( this is where I spent most of my time!) there is 3 large boxes of baby toys and young children activities heading off to CHOP as well as 31 NICU blankets. So I am very proud of everyone for digging deep in to their hearts and given so freely. I have reminded each of them that because of a selfless act from them theses facilities will be able to offer hope and care to many who would have never been given hope and care. Hope is all that kept me going...I would like to say there was some other equation but the truth was that I was in shock for 37 weeks and 2 days, hope was all I could muster. My goal is that no women has to carry her child with a birth defect and not have kindness, hope and care. If that is all I can do for Aubrey's memory, then that would be good.

CAKE
I already told you about them but pictures are worth more than words in this department....
Anneliese loved her Barbie cake, she kept hugging it and kissing it, she played for about 20 mins until I took it away, she was a mess...like a whole tub of wipes mess! but honestly I think this was the most fun she had so whats a box of wipes? The castle cake was great, but I strongly recommend that you keep cool until about a hour before esp if in the heat outside. It held its own for about 2 hours then it started to collapse, another thing is we didn't have it setting flat it was sitting slanted on the table.

Thanks for reading, I wish each of you could have been here.

Midlin...

Well, its over, and it's not.

The technical birthday party of two of the most wonderful little people I have ever met is over, however the real birthday is Tuesday. Then the end on the 28th, then the real goodbye on the 2nd. Then the fruitation of 9 years of hoping and dreaming on the 3rd.

The emotions are painfully exhausting. I just want to let everyone know that I will be posting soon on the events over this week, please check back. Anneliese had a wonderful day!

This is really hard, harder than I thought. Adding not lashing out and wollowing in my own pity is even harder, but I think the Lord is getting me through. I feel like I should be dead from the pain that I actually have in my heart. How screwed up are we~ us humans? I'm so happy that it hurts, so excited that it hurts, so sad that it hurts, so mad that it hurts. Guess hurt is on the menu this week, huh? Would I qualify at this point for multiple personality disorder? In a way I hope so then I can act out and blame it on the other Whitney!

I'm really a selfish person right now, so not "Godly".

I think this is the only appropriate thing to do...

Lord, I'm on the edge I can feel me falling, I am calling out your name, come to me , don't leave me, heal my heart, sooth my soul, open my eyes wider, direct my energy's...bless me Lord, please.

Amen.

Have you ever?

Have you ever thought something out in your head, had those thoughts that in your head make so much sense that you want to share it, but then when you go to explain it or write it down, it makes no sense or on paper sounds really stupid?

Have you ever tasted something that after you swallowed it tasted like something you have smelt before, or visa versa?

Have you ever had a thought or seen something that provokes such a pain that if you didn't know what caused it you would run to the emergency room for narcotics?

Well, if you have lost a child, a pregnancy gone wrong -you have, you are or you will.

On that note this is the thought that I had at about 2 in the morning the other night. It has stuck with me for a few days so there must be some substance to it , somewhere or somehow.

Somewhere in the beginning of my grief process I was given a bunch of book and pamphlets on death, dying and grief. ( This is what you get instead of Congratulations on the birth of your daughter cards and flowers. They are also easier to mail than other items so this helps the condoler keep their distances.) Learning how to swim when you are drowning is strongly not recommended! I guess you grasp at every word that soothes and calms the aches and mind. This set me up for a for quite the spiritual challenge down the road. An example of theses things are:
"It was God's plan ..."
"She is better off, she would have only suffered..."
"With God anything can happen..."
"Call out to him he is listening..."
These and so many more gave me so much comfort in the beginning, puzzled me and challenged me in the middle and here I am in the end rather I want to be or not scratching my head. I have to find my self in this journey. I think there is a survival mechanism that kicks in and somewhere in the first year of grief you just start going with the flow, I think somewhere I thought that something would change....I don't know bring her back?

Because your so beaten down when you read those words they are literal , I guessed really that he was in control and that he would swoop down and fix it all, after all I gave it to him, "He wants nothing but good things for me"? Well about 9 months into this journey I got fed up with all this "bigger picture stuff"...I got mad, I was hurt, I know I am a sinner, but was I that deserving of all this heart ache? So again feeling so unworthy of anything good in my life I once again turned to the Lord and pleaded with him to help me..."Lord" I said. "I may be 38, I may act like I know everything, I may have went off your path you paved for me, but I have never lost sight of you...What can I do, how do I get through this?"

There was no answer, I thought.

Digging in the bible I seemed to be attracted to verses that pertained to evil, Satan. There is little mention of Satan himself, how ever this verse struck me right that day.
"Be well balanced..for the enemy of yours, the devil, roams around like a lion roaring...seeking someone to seize upon and devour." 1 peter, verse 5:8

In 22nd century terms. I think I have allowed myself to lay on a rock pad in the sun for way too long I have allowed the scavengers to peck at me, open me ,I lost balance, sight and faith. I opened the door for Satan to influence me and he has devoured my weakness and pain, only to benefit himself , weaken me more and steal the joy and peace that the Lord promised me, gave to me.
Frankly, the Lord is probably a little upset with me right now, he died to ensure that I would have an eternal life, that my daughter would have this, he was murdered in hatred robbed of a innocent life, watched his mother weep for him. My daughter died, true. But she died in the light of love, instead of hundreds stoning her and chanting her death there were hundreds praying for her and trying to save her. She was given support through her pain, she was nurtured. When she went back to the Lord he gave me peace and love and forgiveness, Mary was only given shame, torment if it hadn't been for God.
I have to admit, in the light of this year, it has been hard to find joy and right from something that feels so wrong but I know that God didn't kill my baby. I know that he didn't give her CDH, I know that he didn't allow me to get pregnant and have a wonderfully joyful pregnancy only to rip the rug from underneath me. I feel this at times, I have said this at time, but I know that this was the work of another influences. I denounce Satan and everything that he does. I know that the Lord walked by me during my pregnancy that is why it was so joyful, I know that the Lord gave me a peace about my decisions for Aubrey because she couldn't be fixed. I know that in the past I have been exposed and or done things that were not Godly, that we as a race have altered the pureness of our environment and that may be one of the many reasons why Aubrey had CDH. God didn't create horrible defect in children so they and their families would suffer, pesticides, he didn't invent latex, medications with side effects. I can't hold God responsible for things that man has done. God answered my prayer that if we couldn't help her to stay with us to please never leave her side. Aubrey never was conscience, I know with all my heart he held her every day. In all, God is good, the Lord has been faithful and giving of my Godly needs, he can't and won't be respondent to my wicked wants and needs. Theses will be my crosses to bear and bear them I will.
Santan uses my infertility against me, it is the one thing that robs me of joy in my life. He won't do this anymore. I have been given a life that more than once the Lord has saved me, and I can not allowed it to be wasted on idle hands of Satan pulling my Achilles tendon.
Do you hear this Satan, I'm done with you. You did not win, you will not win.
I don't know what my future holds, but if "he wants nothing but good things for me..." then that is all that will happen.
I miss my daughter, I wish that she could be with me that we as a family could all arrive in heaven together but that is not possible. I am joyous that the Lord took her back with him. I do have a lot of emotion to this....I don't know how I will deal with it but I do know that I will not waste another day, a gift that my daughter couldn't have. In respect to her, I will make each day count.
I don't think I can beat this around anymore, I probably have scared the few that drop by away. This was one of those thoughts that was just as clear and simple in my head but to explain it or write it out was a big ol' deal. maybe I was supposed to keep it a secret. Well, he told the wrong one because I can't keep anything a secret rarely I can. But you know...if you think it you write it on your heart, if it is on your heart then you've written it on the Lords heart. He knows our needs before we do...
Update on Anneliese~ white count still high, more testing on the 13th, check up on the 15th she seems to be a bit better. We are on amoxicillin, zantac and clairinx(sp?)...so somebody , someday has to start getting some sleep around here soon!
As of now there are only 3 bruises on the head so she aught to clean up pretty good for the big 1 on Saturday.

When a minute is too much to ask.

You know there have been times in my life when a minute was too long. I know there was, but since we had the girls those moments have been wiped from my mind.

I can't believe that the first time I laid eyes on my precious little girl was 8 hours into her life. I was her mom, I should have been right there. If I could have a wish for Aubrey and me it would be that I had one picture of her just as she was born. One minute, 60 secs for me to just kiss her and set my sight on her. As she was to me~ perfect.

I'm torn to shreds inside that I only know her swollen, tubed, tied, on a host of drugs. I found a picture of her just after her ecmo, she really looked so much like Anneliese. This is good and bad. Here we go again..there is that bittersweet, grey emotion showing itself again.

I am so tired. I have relinquish my strength this week. Who needs it, why trudge up hill when everything is pointing down.

Anneliese is really battling the walking and fluid in her ears, if she doesn't have a concussion by her birthday that may be my miracle folks! I follow her everywhere, and I mean everywhere trying to intercede the fall but gracious she is a quick little girl, I'm thinking that she will be a sprinter when she gets older. Her new found Independence along with her stubbornness and adventurism is going to be a sure combination for sleep deprivation for me probably for the rest of my life.

I'm hurt that so many people over the last year that I have reached out to seemed to have disappeared. I went through a period of time where I had nothing to give, I gave all I could and it still wasn't enough, I stepped aside to try to figure out the ups and downs and where I should be, stepping aside must have been what they wanted for there isn't but a few insight, it wasn't what I wanted. I just wanted a friend, you know the ones that you can say what is on your heart no matter what and they listen and support you not weigh your words in gold and sell you out. Grief sucks, not only does it make you vulnerable to a lot, it does put that "use her " target on the rump! I have a great hubby and a wonderful daughter, three great but right now ferociously shedding cats that I love but this month are pushing pound bound limits.

It is upsetting but it really doesn't matter, never has. I have never been a "click" kinda girl, and I was never in the "in" group. So actually this too should pass.

Right now I can't sleep out of fear of a robbery or worse an assault. Our neighborhood, which used to be wonderful, has had two armed robberies in the last week. I'm flipping here in the "burg" let me tell you. This little town has grown way before its time, crime is creeping up there, and they seem to be getting more violent each day. I;m afraid to say it but I think this is the sign of the times. I doubt it will get any better. Now it takes me about 20 mins to go around and lock and booby trap all the doors and windows...yeah I can see the compulsive disorder right around the corner!

Things that I would have never worried about come with being a mother that I would have never imagine. I love every minute of it, for once in my life I am worrying for all the right reasons and it isn't even worrying it is loving.

This post doesn't have a lot to offer today, then most don't so sorry to disappoint you if you were looking for some profound thought today. I just don't have it in me today, and tomorrow doesn't look good either.

I will try to post stuff about the girls party this week. We have gotten a nice amount of donations. We are waiting to hear from the RMH about our breakfast this month in honour of the girls.

Wishing that I was not in the "burg", Goodaye~

A moment of silence please...

Today the community's in Minneapolis, Minnesota are having a united service to honor and remember those who have been lost.

There were Mom's, Dad's, Brother's, Sister's, Husband's, Wife's, Children, Unborn Babies lost in this terrible tragedy.

Please take a moment today and pray for theses families as they are left with sadness, anger, shock and grief.

Pray that each soul lost found their way to the peace, warmth and love the Lord has so promised us.

In respect and regards to all

the families and victims of

the Minneapolis Bridge Collapse.

It's what time?

Yeah, here I sit. 3:40 am Sunday morning.
Why, you ask?
Anneliese has been all messed up this week with fluid in her left ear.
She has been walking for about 3 weeks, does really good-No I'm not proud! but the past week she has been falling and getting real clumsy. So off to the specialist again. They ordered blood work and her white count is high, so on some meds to fight something that we don't' know. Next step is if there is still fluid on the 15th that she will need to see the ENT. We have to get repeat blood work on Monday. Shhhhh! I'm not telling her. Not to wish anything on this dear child of mine but, craminy, I wish if she needed to get have something that it could be something that we could treat in the home town.

Oh yeah, also the girls party is coming up this weekend. I would like to just crawl in a hole for a lot of reasons.
1. I don't want to think of Anneliese getting any bigger.
2. I don't want to remember that a year ago we had hope that Aubrey would be here this year.
3. I miss my dream, my what I want to grow up and be.
4. I don't want to cry for the next week. Not that I don't cry a lot any other times, but this weekend has proven to be a box of tissue a day week.
5. I don't want to share the girls this week. I lost a lot of time with Anneliese that I will never get back grieving, and I feel guilty that I didn't spend enough time with Aubrey and grieved as she deserves.
6. And to not to tell a lie, its calling for really hot and humid weather.

Though the "other" Whitney wants to have the party for a lot of reasons.
1. Anneliese is amazing, she is growing like a weed. Smart if I must say so my self. She deserves it.
2. Aubrey is amazing, she fought so hard, she gave us all she had. She deserves it.
3. The Lord has been good to me,and as too with this we must rejoice!
4. This day has been looming over me for 3 months or so, I want to fear it and move to the next day. I'm tired of being afraid of this day.
5. August the 14th is the best day of my life-ever. For the rest of my life!
6. And after all, God did say he would send his angels to take charge over us, so holding him to that I expect Aubrey and her CDH'er friends will be expecting some big hoopla!
7. I have a lot to celebrate.
So the "good", "nice" Whitney has just convinced the "gloomy", "sad", "heart broken" Whitney that she has what it takes to get through this day.

Whewwwww!, I'm glad I'm around, I don't know what I'd do without me.

It's getting lonely at this ol'puter...If you read this will you just make a mark so I know that your around?

When a memory is bad.

I think this title is what they can an oxymoron because memories are not so much as bad, but do provoke all kinds of emotions.


Last night while everyone in my house slept but me, I thought I'd walk on the wild side, let my hair down so to speak. There was a beer that had been lurking in the back of my fridge for a while now and frankly it has been calling my name for about the same amount of time. So with beer in hand, I drew a hot bath-I mean drew one- I used all the hot water to fill the ordinarily useless garden tub. So with beer in hand, and my favorite cd's loaded and locked for action I immersed myself into what was to be bliss...about 3 mins into it I was hysterical.


I hadn't taken a bath in that tub since I was hugely pregnant. Now instead of rubbing the belly I was watching the fat float. (yeah I know too much info!) I had flash back after flash back. I quickly let the water out and poured the beer out-I know why sacrifice the beer?, and set up for the next hour bawling my eyes out. You know after that I realized that I can't use certain creams because my sister and I used this special one in NJ last year, the smell provokes anxiety, I don't think I will ever get in the tub again. I promise I will shower though.


I have three outfits that I wore in the beginning of summer while pregnant before I bumped out and I noticed that I have not wore them yet.


What has totally blew me away is how many objects and foods, smells, places even colors and tv shows I have avoided and really didn't realize it in order to provoke last years memories. Don't get me wrong I loved being pregnant, theses things reminding me of my pregnancy isn't the problem, it is the hope that I had during the pregnancy that it provokes and knowing now what I didn't them is horrible. This journey has been so lonely and painful, I can't even wrap my head around the fact that there is a whole nother' closet of grief ahead of me.


I'm sure that this is not coming out like I'm thinking it but maybe someone out there sort of understands. I wish people would talk to me about this stuff. This is the stuff that healing is made of but it is also the stuff that brings people down. Sorry down here is where I'm at.


Just when I thought I was facing all the facets of grief I discover a new one. When I went to Philly the other month I think it started this route in my journey and I think its time that I face this one too.


Every once in a while I pray on blog, I don't really now what to pray tonight...I have been talking to the Lord all day today so I think I'm going to pray what I feel tonight, a great man of wisdom and knowledge I'm sure he can make something out of it...for tonight I think he is the only one that knows what I need.





Dear Lord. Where are you? Why can't you just tell me what to do? If a burning bush is possible, then why can't you send me a letter, or just make some of my hopes and prayers come true. Why do I have to struggle so hard to do what you want to what I feel? Can't I just have another baby? Can't you give me one that is earmarked for someone who is going to get rid of this baby, abuse her? Don't you think it is sort of cruel for you to know the plan for me and not let me in on a bit of it? If people are nice and really try to be and do good why do they suffer? Do you get how hard it is to live this life to the fullest and not lose sight that this is only the beginning? If I would die tomorrow am I bad person? If God sent his angels to take charge over us, is Aubrey mine? Could you tell my dad that I miss him? Has my family in heaven with you seen Aubrey, Anneliese? I really do love you Lord but I feel you are killing me. Why would you do that? Do you protect me from evil? Can you get the GPS of my butt that the devil seems to have on me? I hate that there is so much hunger, unnecessary sickness? I have never wanted to be famous, but why does no one remember me? Why do you let money continue to be so important? Well, I know your a mighty powerful man, and all the answers are in front of you, but I guess I should stop asking for now. Thank you for all my provisions today Lord. Thank you for my husband , he is good. My daughter, our daughter is wonderful. When I look at her Lord, I see your love, a promise of tomorrow. I know you want great things for me Lord, Help clear my vision.


Amen

Happy Anniversary!

Yup! I can hardly believe it.

Marriage, it is a lot like everything in my life. Grey, grey with dots of red and a feathered edge.

There is part of me that can't even believe that 9 years ago we got married, the time has gone by so very fast and so much has happen to us and our families. Then on the other hand and there are some days(I'm not going to lie or paint this fairytale picture)I can't believe that I haven't killed him of at least filed my self as a missing person.

The things that make us different and interesting sometimes are the things that I really go crazy over.

I have to be careful using that word crazy anymore, I think I'm going there.

If anyone knows where crazy is let me know so I don't spend another 38 years looking for it, it would be nice to arrive somewhere on time! Ghee, after a quick thought on that question I hope it isn't in Grief World...that would suck!

You know it is funny how you just out grow things in your life, romance-now that is something that I can say "been there done that, check!" It's just not the same.

The beginning of our marriage was tough, honestly it has been a tough road all the time, we realized way early in our marriage what we had and how lucky we were to have it. After enough things happen to you that turn you upside down those things like flowers, romantic dinners just aren't relevant anymore. There are times when I wish we could go back to those days when everything is euphoric, exciting but after some of the times that we have been through I have no desire to relive them, to be honest I don't know if I could make it through them again.

Anneliese has to go to the docs again today, they didn't do her shots as planned because she isn't exactly one year yet, but she has had a tough four days. Newly walking - everywhere! these past few days she has been falling and tripping over everything and nothing. Her newest therapist, you remember the one who frequently referred to her as "deformed" said that she noticed that she was really a lot more clumsy yesterday and she she be checked. Poor little girl, she has a bunch of bumps and bruises. She didn't have an ear infection but she did have a decent amount of fluid in the right ear and it was starting to get red, they felt it was imminent that an infection was days away so they are hoping that that is the cause of the dizzy clumsy stuff, she is on antibiotics, if not better in 4 days they may do a scan of her head to make sure that the brain still has room to grow from the torticollis and plagiocephaly (sp?). Tomorrow she goes to the oral surgeon then hopefully we will be done until the 15th when we go for her wellness and 5 shots...Ouch! She had to get blood done today to, she was a trooper, she always is but it does break your heart. I watched her and thought of sweet Aubrey, I never heard her cry and all the stuff that they did to her I was only imagining what it was like, made me sort of sick. Oh, I hate to admit this but some days to be a good mom to Anneliese I have to push Aubrey to the side...that is just awful to write out, its worse to carry around. I love Aubrey so much, I miss her so much. I just wish that there is something I could do to know that she know this, I never held her I couldn't put her through it, her precious little body just looked like it was going to pop. I can't believe that I never held her, never heard her cry . Tom saw her eyes open so did some of my family, but I never did. As the realist in the picture I hate that I may have willed this for her, I always let what could happen be in my head. I wonder if she felt my negativity, I tried to be positive but nothing was really ever positively presented to me, I felt in my heart like I knew...I just can't stand the thought that because of my screwed up head that she thought I never wanted her to fight, that I never loved her...it was the complete opposite, I loved her so much that for 37 weeks and two days she was number one, we did for her. I have to get off this train, I can see a derailment ahead.

Toms on the couch sleeping with Anneliese, she fell and cried herself to sleep. Tom is always looking for a reason to sleep, rarely does he need an excuse that is Anneliese's and his favorite thing to do...that is one of those things that drives me insanely crazy that I was talking about.

I never sleep, my mind is always going a mile a minute. Some times I resent him for his ability to have something really bad going on in our lives and there is sits, lays or for that matter stands asleep!

The girls birthday stuff came in the mail today, uuuggghhhh i really dont want this day to come, but them I do. Yup! another grey moment brought to you by reality and life and grief and life and ....well you get it.

Enough said tonight, my head is spinning, a big improvement from the ache from last night but still screwed up.
Night!