A simple beings thoughts ~ straight to you.

Im pretty much done with this...

2011-07-06T18:12:00.000-04:00

I am pretty much done with the blogging thing, although I enjoyed so much and have several blogs, my personal ones are a waste and there is not a lot to really keep it going.

I have met many people through blogging and for this reason I will continue to read your blogs support and comment, but as far as "Whitney's World" the real life and cyber life has crossed. There is just nothing going on that hasn't been going on for the last 5 years.

If you want to keep in touch email at bntwillowatyahoodotcom, I have always preferred letters anyway.

God speed.

Do you ever?

2011-07-05T09:33:00.001-04:00

Do you ever really want more information from a dream you had, have or are having more than once?

Do you ever just wanna say the heck with it all and spend you money on everything that you want no matter what doesn't get paid?

Do you ever just want to for 24 hours say what you really feel not what you think would be correct and appropriate?

Do you ever just wanna eat and drink till your merry for a long time?

Do you ever want get in your car and drive till you run out of gas?

Do you ever just .....I got a list of more Do you ever than I have what about you? Sometimes those Do you ever make me think I am whacked...I am not whacked. I am slightly cracked, a little warped, majorly stressed out and I will admit in the midst of PTSS and a bit of a dreamer...but whacked. Nope that's for other people, although I am starting to believe that these 5 years of little or no contact with outside sources short of Drs, and family and cyber folk, may have add to my warped stressed PTSS dreaming butt and whacked is looking a little more like an achievement than a goal!

Five years ago today we left for Philadelphia. In my gut I didn't want to do this, Hopkins offered us no hope they were as rude and as insensitive as a room full of doctors can get , which working in the hospital for years was shocked that they even caught me off guard, I felt in my heart I needed to be going to SHANDS in Florida but there were factors that just didn't allow that, I packed up everything I would need to go to a place I knew nothing about I would live in the Ronald Mcdonald House till when ever, tom would get me there and leave, the plan was to come back when things got closer, little did we know that before he left we would jump on the roller coaster ride, I had to beg a huge hospital of people to save our babies. Because we were having twins I heard the never ending "Well if this doesn't turn out well you will always have baby A"...Really? I would have blasted them but it always just shocked me, I remember sitting in that conference room telling them seriously...no. I want both, I love both of them, " un" baby A isn't a consolation prize for a tough bloody pregnancy....I will never forget that day we pulled out of the driveway, everything that I had left of this pregnancy the one that took 10 years and massive effort and money to achieve was counting down to the fight of my life. I remember thinking I think this is going to be okay, I really do, its going to be hard, tough and scary but I think were going to be okay.

This leg of my life really did read like Tale of Two Cities, I never cared for that book, but I can quote much from it.It was the best of times, it was the worst of times, it was the age of wisdom, it was the age of foolishness, it was the epoch of belief, it was the epoch of … My sister ended up traveling with me and staying. I couldn't be alone till I delivered, we made some crazy memories, we did manage to laugh and make the best of the time but I can remember how quickly the lights could go out on a very bright day.

The reading of Grapes of Wrath was a book that I really hated reading, I never knew if it was because I had to read it and no matter what my opinion was of it as a class we were told what it meant.... Steinbeck portrayed the main families dignity and honor; maintaining self-respect in order to survive spiritually. And unlike many book the ending is worse then the beginning which of course fine tunes it for a tragedy. The Joads have suffered incomparable losses: Noah, Connie, and Tom have left the family; Rose of Sharon gives birth to a stillborn baby; the family possesses neither food nor promise of work. But they manages to rise above hardship and are able to show kindness a starving man, human life still respected.
Ddignity and rage. The same but different, fine line between the two. I saw things in that period of my that even the day my daughter died, I couldn't feel sorry for myself cause there was worse, there was greater pain hopelessness, greater fear, greater hardship...today right this minute I hold those I met very close to my heart. They are the homeless man from Steinbeck's novel....

LOL, wow even then I had a sense of humor...I crack myself up, miracles. Yep the things dreams are made of.

Help in this area.

2011-07-04T23:08:00.000-04:00

I am desperately seeking out help in dealing with my 4 year old who has slept in her room every night since she was 6 months old.

Right before we left for vacation Tom's brother scared the dhit out of her with some stupid phone app turning her sister Atty into a creepy ass monster with sound effects it has spiraled out of control till tonight she stood in a brightly lit room with her tv on shaking and crying (for real) that she is afraid of the dark, she said "I keep getting afraid of the dark" when I responded I understand blah blah blah but this has to stop, you need rest I need rest to grow and ne healthy she ended with "I can't stop, I can't not be afraid, I just keep getting afraid of the dark...she zero in on the closet. She makes her littlest sister turn on the lights during the day for her, she used to go out on the deck at night with Tom and I she won't.

I am sure that the week at the beach following the fearful phone app encounter didn't help cause we all slept together in the same room and there was activity every where.

There is a very strong feeling that as she has become independent...slow coming but fully embraced and gloating on by her...she regrets the feeling of connection and attention from me.

Tonight ended prematurely with me giving her three options, try to make it through the night with the extra light on, the tv on but turned down low, a night light and I will read to her and sit with her till she goes to sleep...or we can move the babies in her room and they can sleep together so she doesn't feel alone or she stays up with me all night and we will explore this house and the noises it makes till she feel safe and sound. I told her I would give her a few minutes to think about it. She clearly doesn't what to share her room.

I returned with her out...passes out eye red from crying in the fetal position. I have tried everything I can read , even caving in and letting her sleep with us. Every night she promises that tomorrow she will sleep in her room.

There is just regression. Period and yesterday she started baby talking. WTC?

I feel anxious, I am sure at this point she can feel it and we have to get this resolved soon. I feel every night that comes and goes is one more night we have let fear win and blah blah blah

As a child I was told to face it, get over it...I was told to get in bed...I spent many of nights under the covers holding my breath. I don't and won't let my child go through that but I can't allow her to get wimpy and this snow ball into everything she is afraid of...

I usually handle issues well and what seem to be good for my children, but I have noticed when something that I have flagged as "That happened to me or that is how it was handled when I was a child and it was horrible, mean, sad, hurt...to panic and do the opposite...the longer I am a parent I don't want to say mine were right and couldn't have been a little more emotionally empathetic but frankly I am not afraid of anything really and if I am I can face it...but then I am a self confessed Arctic circle and I am sure this a trait that I want her to have...

Man I was feeling good about where we were on the development and growth area but this was like getting hit by a train and getting drag for 20 miles...falling off and trying to asses the damage.

To me, it's huge, to professionals and other mothers I am sure you are like WTC she needs to chill.. I am that way about issues others have too but that gnat in your glass always look bigger when your staring down your nose at it that walking by and seeing it in there...

I know that there are many (hahahahah I still have my humor) readers who have a diverse area of education and career as well as children of all ages etc. Don't lurk on this one, reach out and give me your 2 cents...I will digest it and you never know your idea of this could help her and me and spare the next two.

Stranger yet.

2011-07-04T09:29:00.000-04:00

Fever free, the whole house.

Found a lot of information out there about how swimming can increase the symptoms, mock or excacerbate signs and symptoms of hay fever. Interesting enough with no intervention we are all fever free.

I am curious though about the correlation and will be taking temps following swimming for a while just to see because with Beks history I almost went to the urgent care yesterday...glad the scientist in me broke through the holiday Friday weekend urgent care maddness.

This is a test.

2011-07-03T20:16:00.000-04:00

Could as many people out there try this for me this week I am curious, any and all links I have found have lead to be worthless information...

After your children, and you really spend some time swimming this week could you please take your temperature following like 30 mins, and 1 then 2 hours following, I am curious..

Of course we have had fevers following swimming again, and I even have one this time...so are we allergies to chlorine? are we swimming in sewage?

I feel there is a body temperature variant that occurs naturally or do I just need fevers following swimming as one of yet added freakish traits...

Bek of course got sick last night and didn't see it coming but bamm...fever and all. I am teetering on urgent care but dag every holiday and her whole belly thing which has been a maze since that started is still the same, that all started after a long weekend of swimming, so there is almost as much coincidence of illness following swimming as there is illness on Fridays and holidays...which over the last 3 years has been every Friday and holiday. Really Ripley, do you really need another freak show attraction? If so could you consider maybe someone else cause we really don't have the health income account large enough for all these insane illness. Well unless we get set up in some lavish house with a very large account and oh yeah I want housekeepers and cooks and why were at it a daily massage...of course I am sure you will see that the pool will be clean, and saltwater right?

Whewwwww Weeee.

2011-07-01T20:07:00.000-04:00

Obviously I didn't wear enough deodorant this week because the phone hasn't rang, and there are no plans with anyone this week.

So...either I stink, everyone is as busy this week as I was last week...or my new found independence is wavering and I am going back to my what does everyone think...

Hummmm.

I got nothing.

2011-06-29T00:19:00.000-04:00

Well there is a lot in this head, but I got nothing to blurt out, and everything is way too political, complicated emotional depressing or would sound like a lie if I typed it out so off the top of my head I got nothing.

I am thinking about getting up in the morning around 4:30 before Tom leaves for work and try this goal of running again, will take about of month of faithfulness on my part, but hiked tonight in the coolness of the ac on the elliptical...hate that steel clothes rack...so why waste a good day.

Wanna know what else I think I am doing...nothing. I think I am going to start making Wednesdays official Whitney's Hump, Frump and Pump Day. Spend a little time on me myself and I, take some down time with the kids the pets and just drop the house and chores and obligations. The truth of the matter is I clean non stop and straighten and organize all day everyday and I do the same amount of work rather I do it once, twice or three times a day...vacation was nice and when I came home I was almost depressed just walking into our house cause I felt the load just drop. I need to let some of all this go, I will have the rest of my life to clean straighten organize etc. One day a week were on a mini vacation ...and for those who are awwww poor Tom he has to work he doesnt' get a mini every week...Awww what you don't get is that Tom gets a mini everyday when he gets home cause I do almost everything he spends time with the children eats, rest and sleeps...so. Also when the the wife is happy then Tom is happy.

I am a little...lol I crack myself up, a lot OCD with our life...I have grown this way out of survival and it has got us here but now it's time to let it go, not hoarder health department needs to condemn our house go, but view things in different series of events.

Having multiples and a baby at home teaches you a lot of things, the foremost for me was act now, don't wait. If you had idle time, you better get one step ahead cause if there was one thing you could depend on was everyone needed everything the moment you needed something yourself. You cleaned the shower when you got out cause you might not get back to it, you brushed your teeth when you went to the bath at noon again cause you might not get to it till tomorrow (no joke!) You prepare dinner the night before while everyone has RSV cause you you don't know when you'll get sleep and when you do you don't want to have to cook clean etc. It's crazy the ride your on, and you go crazy if you don't step off and evaluate regularly..I skipped a year or few cause I just couldn't imagine they didn't need me like that anymore, that they have grown to that point...but yep. they have. So...I will retake my selfless time and find something to do with it...although I the insanity of it all the last 3 and half years...kinda liked it, what a challenge...gotta be a adrenaline junkie for sure after stunts like this.

SO for not having nothing sure did come out like something, probably not what you wanted to hear...but it's a bone.

But after this mini revelation...are you wondering what I am wondering?

Do you think this eternal drive in my deepest corner of my soul for more children is a result of high that came from such adrenaline fix to my silent OCD? Hummmm. Might need to toss that around.

Maybe not wanting to end this journey is keeping me from embracing the journey I am on now...I guess a lot like the square peg in a round hole deal, only thing is that I am the kind of person that if I want that square peg to go in that damn round hole...I will get it there...then ponder why it just isn't right.

Okay i crack myself up most of the time but tonight I sorta scared myself! lol

Honey, I'm home!

2011-06-27T10:16:00.001-04:00

Sigh. Were home. As in the burg.

I have never been to VA Beach and with three small kids in tow, I loved it, and will go back over the next few years till the children get older and we evaluate what type of beach we want. I have always been a Outer Banks person till everyone became a Outer Banks person, then I really liked the northern coastal line as in Boston and Maine, Mystic areas,

It was the best week I spent with three small children and a husband out of our element. So good in fact we stayed another night. Sadly I got to spend little to no time with my mother and sister but we were very busy and they required a lot of food and rest, something Tom and I don't get no matter where we are but I give it a thumbs up.

The excitement was almost a little too much for Beka, I am not sure what to do with the info/data collected during her trip last week, wish we didn't spend the time we spent dealing with the behavior issues but there was a ocean, traffic etc...safety issues to consider so that was a new level of frustration but by the 2nd day she was good, just very happy to be there.

I am very stoked for November this year this I will be booking our trip to DisneyWorld this will be our 3rd trip to Disney since the girls have been born and I am sure this will be the best hands down, I love planning trips, I love traveling...

I think I should have been born privileged to travel. I think the exchange student thing changed me in a way nothing else could cause a month in the burg gets the gypsy in me moaning.

While on vacation we received the call that Anneleise's surgery will be August 5th. This next few weeks are packed.

June 22nd Anniversay of Dad passing, 6 years but still very hard especially since I have had children and we have a family but no family if you get my drift.
June 30th Mom to Hopkins
July 11th Beka appt
July 12th Anneleise appt
July 13th Atty to Hopkins, Beka to CAT scan
July 16th Toms Mom's Birthday...miss this lady very much especially since we have had childrenen.
July 26th Atty and Beka's birthday....sigh whole nother post about the sinking depression of these lil babies growing.
July 28th Toms BIG 40 birthday
August 1st our Anniversary 13 years 15 being together
August 5th Anneleise's surgery
August 14th Anneleise's and Aubrey's birthday..WTH...5 years old. I need therapy on this one I thinks.
August 22nd school starts for Anneleise offically even though she has been in development classes since she was 3....the big bus and all...WTH...more therapy.
August 27th...forever the worse day of my life, will never forget anything about that day.
August 28th Aubrey Angelversary 5 years this child has left my physcial life and I will never be the same again.

Mixed up in all these days are surprises I am sure because test results will be phones in etc...and this year has been especially hard on me as the due dates of the girls etc come and go. Five years out and I guess I am at the phase of grief where I hate myself and feel like I could have done more made better decisions etc. Infertility, pregnancy loss and infant loss has taken a toll in me, us after 14 years and Aubrey was just the brick wall that made me finally start dealing it and that I just can't seem to do, I just can't deal with it, you just don't get over it, the only way I have found to settle some of this is to slowly digest the pain of it all and there really is no good advice for that, the steps of grieving well you can mock those, you can fly through some and tip toe around others, in the end every morsel every chew of fat so to speak I am being faced with the steps of grief.

Like a broken record I just can't stop looking at us and seeing all the seats at the table filled, all the seats in the van filled, everytime I have to buy two of something to get three there is always 1 left over. This is all so much with all that is going on in other places in my life so I spend little time digesting, just making mental notes but sigh...we have a major decision to make and I have to push this up in the priority department so I can make a good sound decision for myself, my family, my children.

SO pardon me if I don't post much and when and if I do it's not farting glitter and roses...this is my little space to keep me from going nuts and I think I will be needing it a lot the next month so this is a warning to all....

Enter at your own risk....but support is greatly appreciated, oh yeah there is a few times in my life I like to feel sorry for myself but I'm so overwhelmed with stuff this is going to be one of those months so lets just let me behave badly for a while then you can slap me back to reality, I really need this month guys.

With a little help...

2011-06-24T23:00:00.000-04:00

If you want to help make someones dreams come true...follow this link.
If you want to be part of something bigger then they cn wrap thier heads around...follow this link.
If want to share the heart of one person today...follow this link.

Seriously follow this link and share the love.
goteamwitt.blogspot.com

Countdown to a new level of insantiy.

2011-06-18T19:46:00.000-04:00

In 36 hours we will be in the vehicle traveling to the beach. Five hours.

The drive does not even phase me, I don't think twice about long tip with the kids. The price of gas well, to be honest that has made me wince way more. The thought of a five hour trip with 2 official fully 100% potty trained kiddlets and one who wants to be when it involves tips to bathrooms washing hands and playing with hand dryers, however takes no responsibility with hold to go theory sorta has me gritting my teeth.

There is a list of things that need to be done before that 36 hours comes to a close, however nothing significant will happen when I get home if I don't get these things done short of me just not wanting to come home....

FYI Do not. Do not tell your many small children that we are going to the beach until maybe 1 or 2 hours before you leave. One of many mistakes I made this week. Another one was in mid cycle I shifted the whole computer room around and crap there are way too many wires for being wireless and wireless printers, and have mercy the dust. I am not talking bunnies folks I am talking tigers, lions and bears...oh yeah.

We have moved out of many phases all of which I am sad in a sick sorta catholic make your self suffer kind of way...but wow there are new phases and the three girls will not embrace a phase at the same time they insist on each finding their own phase and drive me absolutely loco.

Atty is beyond sassy,I call her Barbara Walters, she reports everything for days...can't let a story go. Bek...well she is usually the one being reported and man can this child find the trouble...she wants to be 30 maybe even 35. Annleise well she wants o be deemed medium grown, however finds herself deaf to all lessons and manners of medium...emotional train wreck.

I find the days lately getting to new levels of insane but the good is wonderful, the bad is worth praying not to happen again.

We got the "letter" the one that tells you the spec on the embies camping out in the Arctic waiting on us to get...what to do what to do.

This has thrown me into a huge dysfunck...I know what we have to do, I know what is right for our family, our finances, my health.. all the things that involve adding to a family...but selfishly I set here and hold this letter 20 times a day.

The odds are dropping at epic rates of success, in addition to my previous history and current health...with what we have we would be looking at about a 33 percent chance, more like 20 for success.

So if I told you on your wedding day at your outside dream wedding there was a 20 -33 percent chance of a storm, a tornado exactly the moment you were to say your vows, and could prove my percents...what would you do?

See out with the old insanity ( i never resolved or settled) and in with the new...

I would like to think there will be another update but come on who we kidding?

It's official.

2011-06-11T19:11:00.000-04:00

All three girls are sick with throat and ear infections stemming from allergies which are wrecking havoc in this house.

I am about to embark on a total house cleaning that will remove as much allergens as possible and try some new strategies.

We leave for the beach in 9 days. Not ready.

There is a pile of outside work to do...and impossible to do with 3 sick and uber superfic whiny but justifiable miserable children who all...all want their momma. sigh. my lap and arms are only so big thank goodness for a very large bed.

On a positive note Bek trained her self and in 2 days we have had to change underware 2 times but because she started to pee before they were down...sigh...this will be put in glitter letters on her baby book! There is little that Bek has done in the last year that didn't take a brick over the head but she loves being a big kid and would be happier if I gave her chores like laundry and dishes daily. Girl is nuts I am telling you...I think the detox and diet change and exercise program has worked wonders for her and although there are behavior issues they are doable...and no meds. sigh....warm and fuzzy feelings.

I am freaking tired, and fat. Where and when did this all happen?

Me time not that I have ever been a "me time" person is between 1am and 3:45am. Crickets. That's all I hear. Not really liking being in a quite room by myself right now, I am under construction.

The children are starting to chew at my ankles and decided that they all have pressing needs right this minute and I can't distract them so this list will end and I will return. hopefully with optimistic and joyful news....

I crack myself up.

F Bombing

2011-06-08T20:01:00.000-04:00

The pedi called and cancelled the Beka's appt for Friday morning.... really he won't be in the office. The behavior specialist called and cancelled Beka's for July....

This child has falling through every crack, well actually big gaping holes.

I'm going to urgent care in the morning.

Not sure what to do?

2011-06-07T13:35:00.000-04:00

Let me rephrase that I know what I want to do, I have way too much medical experience to not know what is normal and odd to emergency, I have done it...but am I over reacting? I am not getting anywhere.

Beka had a BM on Saturday lst week, induced after 2 fiber chews 2 doses of miralax with Gatorade, and finally a fleet pediatric senna laxative...it resulted in a massive sludge spill that by passed the pull up and happened while she walked, there was not though I think in it at all, obviously did not cause her pain, however he has been really hard to deal with behavior wise over the last 2 weeks.

Since our trip to the ER we were told get a BM then stop let her go naturally with the fiber chew supplements increase foods and fluids...doing it, although her eating just picked up yesterday.

Today no poop, belly getting bulgy again she has been sleeping way more than she has ever! like went to bed on Saturday with little problems slept till 7 got in bed with me, got up she stayed till 10, went to bed that night at 8 slept till 10 30 in her own bed then went back to sleep at 1 till 330 then back to sleep with no issues at 8....

I called today, really I say I am worried this is not a child that sleeps, she doesn't ever turn food down, she never turns away the splash mat on the deck she always wants to be outside, she is whiny, mean she is yelling at everything from us to dust particles, she refuses any and all meds and I am threatening her to drink. There is no poop no attempt and her urine is still dark...strike that brown.

I can take her to ER but they are saying give her till Friday before they repeat test...Im like have you ever not shit for 7 days...aren't you a little like this child sounds...they have given me 20 reasons and who what whys but I want to know is her bowel still infected, is her WBC still high, what about that kidney function...granted she is not really running a fever so they say this signals auto correction of the infection...which states on dc papers of un know origin.

Friday? Really?

I left the call telling my Pediatrician, I Hope they are right because this will be yet another time that they refused to listen to the mother and I was right, all was not well...did I need to remind her that Anneleise is practically blind thanks to their "Shell grow out of it attitude"...I did make a threat, I said if this progresses into anything serious that will require surgery etc, I will not pay they will be responsible 100 percent and that doing nothing is far worse than trying anything when symptoms signs are clear in the eyes of peer review board and morbidity board.

They said if I question them go to the ER.

She isn't her self, but she does play...differently but is playing, she has started to eat...no fever...I just not sure what to think.

It's always something...but not always what you think.

2011-06-06T11:13:00.000-04:00

Of course yet another hiatus has occurred and of course it is due to health issues with one of the children. About two weeks ago Beka (who we have been having a lot of behavior issues as of lately, hell since birth!) spiked a fever the highest was 102 in 24 hour period. I really treated it and shrugged it off cause we had just went to the dentist the day before and she said Beka still has 3 teeth on the bottom to come in and it is very packed, she noted one was busting through that day, after the cleaning and stuff I thought it was just working it way out. Her behavior had worsen and she was often talking of a belly ache about 2 times a day, her bowel went south over the last two weeks too. Being everyone in this house has a poop issue and we have dramatically changed our diets I was told, let it go....a while. Okay.

Beka wakes up Wednesday morning burning up, double dosing meds I couldn't keep it under 101, on Thursday she went from 101 to 104 in like 3 mins of course our regular doctors couldn't see her so off we go to urgent care. I really thought for sure there was going to be a surprise ear infect or something even strep. Nope. Off to hospital with a high WBC count, anemia and elevated kidney functions for a CT scan.

5 hours later, yes , 5 hours later they told me her lymph nodes in the the stomach especially the lower right quad is enlarge, like big...and her right ovary is 3 times the normal size of a child her age. They could not see the appendix cause of the inflamed bowel which is what they are thinking is infected...but the incidental findings are more concerning.

Sent home, no meds but for vomiting, make her comfortable and follow up.

So. We have a potential appendix issue, a lymph infection or even a cancer, we could be looking at ovarian cancer, a pituitary problem or endocrine issue...but this week we are trying to get the bowel issue corrected and healed and retest. Test were scheduled for today but she is still under he weather, no fever so they want to wait.

Clogged up plumbing...I can wait...potential cancer...I really can't wait.

These endocrine issue could very well be the root of her behavior and would be awesome if it could be helped for her...

I vomit a lil every time I think of the possibilities...

Of course all the kids are green and thick ridden with allergy induce snot, atty sounds like she has TB...

So I Come again in peace but looking for some prayers for bravery, strength, and good health. I want to beleivethat it will be a random infection, and it maybe, but our history it will be some rare off the wall situation that will put her through the mill.

Well, were trying to enjoy the summer, its really hot and we seem to be very busy, the house work just never ends, but I am trying to remove the OCD of me and just enjoy some of this time.

Family detox.

2011-05-19T09:16:00.000-04:00

It's not just what you put in your mouth that we are changing in this small but insane family of ours.

We are avoiding caffeine, we are avoiding processed meats, there is no additional sugar and there is only homemade grain bread once a day. There is only water through the day and night except for meals where I squeeze and juice my own apple, orange and pear juice over ice. the big treat is homemade peanut butter and the sweetest treat is yogurt.

The kids are doing okay, they are whiny for their addictions, but me on the other hand...i long for my coffee. I haven't been a very calm person lately and after looking at what I put in this gaping hole in my head...no wonder especially if you are what you eat!

3 pots of very strong coffee a day. One meal at about 10 pm and it consist of my breakfast lunch dinner and the two snacks and dessert...gotta eat a balanced diet right? Well it isn't. I don't want to make noise cause everyone asleep so I eat from the pantry, everything is shelf stable and that equals processed foods and massive chemicals...similar to those in my cleaning agents. Yucky no wonder I feel like death warmed over, I may have actually died about 3 years ago but am so preserved I haven't figured it out yet.

It was a very hard and painful journey to get here. To correct everything that basically I allowed to happen and to face fixing it. Knowing I am the example to lead my children....? well it just adds to the already mounting stress that I feel like I am doing this all alone, but it has sparked the kick in the pants I needed.

Threw out 2 garbage bags of foods opened expired....took a laundry basket and half to the food bank.

Our house looks bare, and I basically threw away a months of groceries, but that seemed hardly a punishment fit for making meals and snacks that have obviously poisoned us.

Moderation. A lesson we will learn, patience, will power, pride and temptation...all obstacles right now but I know they will be replaced with new found energy, mental clearness, better sleep and better waking...vice grips that a day hold more than sluggish and irritable behavior.

There is no yelling either, there is a calmness that entered this house the other night and although it is a crazy stressful period of transition...it is oddly peaceful. There is no taking time or energy to blame anyone, the hubs and I have instructed ourselves that when we hit a point where we have a revelation about a behavior ours or the children we acknowledge it together...and find a solution, there really isn't time for blame, guilt or punishment regarding who did what (as far as him and myself). No matter what we verbally detox for a few minutes after the kiddlets are down and out..last night for the first time since this started it was about 5 minutes and painless, he dumped, I dumped then I went to sleep. Usually I sit up and beat myself up for not being perfect.

Funny the destruction caused in the attempt to be perfect and in the midst I found myself to be so far less than perfect, I actually don't even like myself.

We detoxed the house over the last two weeks. Wow if you live locally visit the Goodwill, we unloaded a lot.

Strange to me who is a particle OCD chick with organizational tendencies that I spent so much effort and time taming this chaos...I did though people where like OMG where did all that come from...in stead of smiling because I would have been oddly proud of the feat, I was like ummmmm yeah....aren't we all a little crazy like this? Gulp.

Opening our closets is liberating. Painless and almost like a whiff of fresh air.

Seriously detoxing is and has been as enjoyable and distressing as it has been painful and stressful, but one step at a time they are balancing themselves out.

You should try dome detox in your life...it actually is addicting.

I think tonight I am going to address a more detail idea of the changs going on in this house this week and I want to leap and share the whole weight and body image health thing, but I am just not sure I can do this. Yet.

One day at a time...sweet Jesus.

2011-05-18T23:59:00.000-04:00

Oh my I can't blog long, I have to go to bed and soak up the day. It was stellar in the grand scheme of things.

I don't think I have had to count to 10 and hold my breath, make myself laugh so much in a 24 hr period...but for today, it paid off big time.

Beka rocked, there was little issues but when I didn't respond she looked at me like I was Russian or something...Atty was 1/3 rd less whiney, and Anneleise and I took the pup for a visit with the "G" and picked her up from her haircut.

I can so do this for Beka, am I doing things like I want? nope.
Am I doing things the way I dreamed? no way.
Am I the mother I wanted to be? not even close.
Are they the children I thought they should be? luckly no, for obvious reasons they tell me I am wrong!
Did the world come to a end once all lil folks were asleep? thank goodness no.
Was it worth it? hell yes.

If today is but a glimpse of more to come... I will do it all. I will change everything about me, overcome every obstacle and facet of myself for more days like this.

Ahhhhhhh.

I worked hard since 7pm yesterday evening to get no sleep and have these lil girls wake up and embrace radical change, but they so gently showed me that they approved, that it's going to be okay and we will get through this next obstacle as we have everyone behind us.

Obstacles...look my better from behind than facing them dead on.

Dont' take me wrong, still pray for me and the girls...although I am sure there was a Divine intervention last night for me...the will power and confidence was amazing today and the peace....ahhhh.

Sweet Jesus.

The "F" bomb.

2011-05-17T11:29:00.002-04:00

Yeah, I tend to be verbally abusive to anyone and everyone who gets in my way, and I can do a job on myself too...today is one of those days.

I actually slept last night cause I just knew, I just knew today was going to be the day...no matter how small of light no matter how temporary there was going to be progress out of where I stand today.

Then the call came. I missed the appointments.

What?

Your appointments were at 9:20 am this morning.

Ummmm....let me see, Ummmmm no I have 3:20, 4:20 pm today.

That was the first set we gave you but we had to call you back on Friday to tell that wouldn't work.

Seriously? Did you talk to anyone? Leave a message?

There was an automated one left on Friday at 4 ish.

So now what?

Next week for Bek and 3:20 tomorrow for Anneleise.

Well at least I will get to take my time today for the runaround regarding Atty.

I am starting to get the whole mindset that postal service employee had that one day so long ago when life was by far simplier and actual people delt with actual problems, seriously the root of much of my aggrivtion is that I have to be accountable for all my actions, but those in which i seem to have to interact with can rely on the whole oh, glich deal.

Come on people unplug.

So the "F" bomb is swirling in my head, and since the only way I will be able to get it to the right person, I have to text it, email it or leave a message, sigh....it hardly seems worth it.

Get by with a little help from my friends...

2011-05-16T23:25:00.000-04:00

Wow, so much just since the last post.
Anneleise's eye thing is not better actually we are in a worse situation cause now she is terrified when we do the patching cause it is very obvious she can not see at all out of the left eye. She is getting headaches, and is crabby, she is sharp tongued and it is all well very sad and we now have to look into maybe a neuro surgeon for some issues arising from this...it's like this dear child has gone through so many avenues to just develop normally or at least up to her abilities and we found out that we may have been not only on the wrong path but the wrong country period.

Beka....ahhhhh poor Beka. We have her appointment tomorrow. Thank God. I pray with all my might that they can intervene, she is a whoa handful, I am leaning toward a ADHA hyper area, she is bright, she is fun outgoing loving...but the child wakes up 60 mph and when she crashes she speeds in at 50! there is a belly hernia thing, and ENT thing too...all which could be causing her to act out.

Atty...ahhhh sweet Atty. She found her sassy mouth this month. I mean sassy!!!! but she is always falling through the cracks keeping Beka at bay, and trying to referee that mess...she is just so happy for 5 mins of time...Her legs are looking a little better the knees , ouch those knees, she cries for me t orub her feet all the time, I don't know when we will get a answer on the leg, foot situation but she has this last week become very whiney in a only wants me to sit and hold her whine... but she is so easy going and loveable unless of course she is reporting (a very serious tattler I tell you..)

I am so frustrated. I want to go to a doctor and they actually look at my children, not a laptop...and listen to us. Not send us after test and test and test and if they appear normal...give up. My girls have issues. Poor Anneleise gets up 5 to 6 times in a movie theater to pee, ever time we take her anywhere she has to go every 15 mins...the child has no fun and when she does she misses out, a culture and urine test that's it. They were normal but peeing and holding yourself for 5 mins after cause it hurts isnt' then to turn around in 15 mins and do it again isn't.

I want to fire every damn doctor we have and find new ones, but I think they are all about worthless around here anyways.

I really need prayers that we can find some trigger that is making it hard for Beka to learn (like don't unlock the door and just go to the neighbors house, don't poor your own milk at night, heck anytime, no means no...seriously don't spit!) I don't sleep but a hour or two at a time cause I feel she isn't safe, she is but what ever she has an idea for she does it, the trickle down effect is getting to the whole family, at times more than I care to share it takes both of us to deal with her behaviors...and I am just broken that the two girls wish it was them.

Anneleise and these headaches are a directly because of the therapy, but she panics if we close off the right eye, it rips my heart out to see that kind of fear. What if this doesn't work, what if she is blind forever in that eye...

Seriously I wanted so much for my children, I really wish I could focus on more of them and us and not have everything be so incredibly hard. Tom lives in complete denial. Over everything, even the rain coming down tonight wasn't going to happen cause he said so.

Please pray, hard that everyone in this house sees what is needed, and the strength and courage to make it work. Please pray for me who just wants one weekend of family life...no interruptions no one else's drama, no illness etc. just one good week or weekend...after 5 years, it could be just what the doctor ordered.

I am thinking that my computer is thinking about taking a crapola on me, so if I am absent this could be the cause...

I am really scared for these girls. I just don't want them to go through anymore stuff with no more answers I feel we should have answers by now.

A new intrest, you'll want one I promise you.

2011-05-05T22:01:00.000-04:00

Oh my good yummy ness.

Yoplait light thick and creamy yogurt's.

In the attempt to bust some of these massive pounds I have allowed myself to pack on like I am preparing for a trip to the Artic and instead of killing a whale for it's fat will bring my own...I have found these.

Making fun of the commercial for weeks, I tried some, had a few coupons and Wow.

I relive Charlie and the Chocolate factory every time I eat one, which I will shamelessly confess is often..Like the rick kid licking the berry wallpaper she is in shock that the rasberries taste like rasberries, snozzzzzberries like snozzzzberries...they are, really, that good.

I ate my first one and was like this is freaking good, I hide them from the kids, I talked my hubs into one and now from him...I am the women on that commercial.

The Key Lime is perfect. Refreshing, sweet a bit but a perfect combination of tang and substance.

The Berry Cobbler and Cherry cobbler, seriously there is a undertone of crust, and it is just lovely and no work making it.

The Orange Cream, well a girl has to have a sweet tooth sometimes and well, yum.

The Cheesecakes are very satisfying...

Nothing but good to say with these but they pack a punch in the taste department, for low fat 100 foods they are right up there. The quality has improved since the last low calorie yogurt, there is just enough, that after taste is as good as the first bite. They coupled with a hot cup of coffee or tea, really is a treat. Odd for being on a diet.

Try one, I bet you can't stop at just one.

And no I didn't get paid to write or review this...but if I did i would take it in yogurt!

100 °C or 212 °F

2011-05-04T22:30:00.000-04:00

No matter how you measure it, everyone has a boiling point.

I can, and have, looked at people around me...real life and cyber. Over the years what sets one's blood a boiling, hardly provokes me to think about it once more than less twice. However, over the years I have found that what makes my blood boil isn't always that others think about. And being the reciprocial of that has enocuraged the feeling of non-exsistence that I feel in my life.

It has taken me years to even try to figure this thought out, this very large part of me to even talk about it but greater put it into words.

Methodically I have spent the last year dumping junk from the "trunk" so to speak.

I have grown up through the years and become a product of conditional love, conditional life. There has never been a time where I could have it all, there was always huge trade offs and consciquenses for every descion I made, this has been good and bad of course expected bittersweet.

If I had to title myself I would be the "Appreciative blessed conditional bittersweet wall flower".

I chose it. I thought it was the right way to be. I may have been wrong. No. I was wrong.

Because it took Tom and I so long, so much investment, so much mental, physcial and emotional to have a family it owned us, owned me, us...it became the definition of our marriage, of our personality. Infertility and Loss was but a facet when we were slammed into that wall. After we stood up and shook ourselves off we were giving the harsh reality of "you are here C...you will never go down this path D to have a child...you can consider this E...or F...G,H, maybe I...you only real chance is J, K and L all of which at this time you can't afford, oh yeah and A and B well were never going to happen anyway."

So we chilled, briefly. Tom wanted children our first lost was extremely painful, more than the hopes and dreams were taken from him, from me, from our marriage.

I perosnally felt raped. To have hopes dreams my innocence taken, recorded and dangled over my head was almost more than I could bare. But. I did. After all I had over come in my life, I think this was the moment that I became broken, fridgid.

I was of massive strong will in those day. I never had a easy path in any direction I chose. I as so many say picked myself up, got tough, wiped myself off, and set a course for my family. After all I was the problem, again.

A goal, a plan, a "long term comment" quickly turned into a misson...it was hard, grueling, it was emotionally and physically painful, it was financially draining...We went through our stratigies almost two at a time till we realized we were in for the fight, I was at war...and quickly, so fast I never saw it happen, I went to war with anything, everything organic or not for my family...the one in my heart.

Much like the grapes of wrath...it was the best of times it was the worst of times. We won, sorta, we lost...oh how we lost. But we won. I have set my eyes on 4 of my babies, I have held and loved three till today, I lost our daughter Aubrey. Fourteen days hardly seems long enough for a lifetime of love, but there wan't any choices. Almost as soon as we were told she wasn't gong to be with us the world shit a life of cards on our table and we (me) had to pick up the cards and play the game, of war that is...

My will power was eventually replaced with an uncanny ability to live within the silver lining to accept anything, anything that was better than the last moment. The first step was farther then where you jsut left, right? Be strong, don't let them see you weak cause then your on the hot seat to explain yourself, don't be sad you asked for this, dont' be mad, what did you expect, make it look easy cause what did you think...oh the stupidity of people, family...

Bittersweet was my new oxygen.

It took a very level headed person and shook eveything about her, I became so focused, I had blinders on cause I couldn't have it all, I knew that I couldnt even have a few things, for us our situation everything we did determined our misson, everything from jobs, to living arrangments to family to health to living the life we were storing up to share...in the intrem I became hard, lonley, lost in my world...my boiling point went from extreme to tepid waters could push me. I have found that many times just the tempature of a real live person beside me is enough warmth to rattle me. My scares are deep, I stay very quite, there is just almost no one who could even understand me cause I can hardly get me , I wanted something so simple so pure, and it wasn't all about babies although it appeared and appears that way...and it is so difficult here in my head, in my heart which has molded and melted into one being. Which now I find is the doer, the caregiver, the fixer...the mechanical robot that doesnt need the sleep as everyone else, the food, the mental health day, the rest when sick, the personal attention, the acknowledgement of what I do although no more heroic than any other person, everyday, my days are exactly the same, I am a time clock...I wake up or get woke up and I do I do till I can't or choose to stop and the next day follows...the world is going right on, and the further behind I get it is getting very quite.

When people ask me insanely rude questions, are nosey are disrespectful to me...I am amazed the things I say. Instead of the Mama bear I know I should be I am the Female Dragon of the cave, I wear the pants, I wear the bra, I do it all. I have to, I have been such a master orchastrator through this impposbile maze and I am about to boil rupture, I see the end the green pasture on the outter edge and I am exhausted, I am sooooooooo weak...I am like Damn people seriously...I want to be carried...like a soilder wounded just short of his bunker...his buddies pull him to saftey...carry him for miles to saftey never once making them feel as though they are a burdeon reminding them that they can be strong for them cause he did so much for them. Maybe a pep talk, a reminder ofthe courage...

Well here I lay, bleeding open and reaching that end and there is no one, everyones life went on...while I dug with a spoon our path. Am I mad. No not really cause I am almost sure at this point in my life if I had someone who would have physically , mentally and emotionall and financially did, do, doing what I was doing...well, ahhhhhhh what a ride.

I guess why chance bittersweet when you can have melt in your mouth gooey goodness brought on a silver platter.

This is just the begining...there is so much more to come.

Another excuse but an important message.

2011-05-03T10:35:00.001-04:00

I'm so busy and really just fried, the bad kind not that good greasy hot crunchy kind that when dipped in batter and fried makes anything taste better and if you forget the memories are loaded to the hips, the kind where i have to write my self list and brush your teeth and eat is on them....

But.

If you have a child 2 years old or older listen.

Are you listening?

Get your kid to a eye doctor. Don't go to the office that has a chart with frayed edges taped with 15 years of tape on it to the break room door.

Anneleise was scheduled for an eye exam because her neurotic mother thought she needed everything but a DNA test for school next year. Being in a pre K program since she was 3 they had yet to ask for anything really in the health department so I was convinced that this year would be the year...and I am an over achiever hence my epic failures, so she went to multiple exams over the last two weeks.

I let her father take her to the eye appointment cause we have other issues and I do the oral surgeon, the dentist (tom would pass out) and most other, but I though this one is easy...

HAHAHAHAhaahahahahahahahHAHAHAHAHAHa.

Sorry needed a moment to laugh that one out.

Tom calls me and say she has glasses. ~crickets~
What? are you serious...I am flipping cause nothing with this girl is never easy or simple and crap crap crap she needed glasses.
Fine well go tomorrow after your off work and get them. ~crickets~
They're done she picked them out.
~No Crickets ~ I Squashed them I ranted OMG You took my baby for her first glasses and you let a 4 year old pick them out!
I am so stupid at the moment I was wworried about mini Elton Johns and her need to mix Rapunzel Snow White, Bubble Guppies and Spiderman/Scoobydoo I focused on the appearance.
Tom assured me they are cute, but she has to go back every three months cause she has a Lazy eye, not a droopy eyelid.
Fine I cry defeated and let it go.
The glasses arrive, they are cute but huge they fall off the head. The lens in the left eye is thick...like bottles.
~crickets~ gulp.
The tears welled omg again she hasn't be able to see for ever...protect and provide...another epic failure.
Two weeks of ill fitting glasses her headaches red eyes, I get this gut feeling that maybe she doesn't need them after talking to a non communicative husband he expresses that the Dr was snip`py rude and he didn't like him.
I know I know he should have shared that a tad bit earlier like before buying these glasses.
They give us frames that fit, I am happy she is happy.
That gut feeling keeps growing and I look at this little one little eye one huge eye child who appears to have more visual problems than before glasses.
I make a second opinion appointment , my husband made it clear that he didn't care for the exam, that he felt she didn't understand and it was the adult exam with letters etc, and she is 4 and well under pressure...she gets test anxiety.
We go, I take her, Momma Bear on alert.
It's bad, it's worse than we started.
She has no peripheral vision, and her dept perception must be non to barely existence (guess that's why 3 years of OT did her no good for balance and coordination?).
Her left lazy eye is moderate to severe, however he would like to had had a code for just severe he said.
We have a new script for new glasses to replace the 3 week old glasses we have had fixed twice including a repair cause the one lens bubbled like oil and water.
We have to patch the right eye 30 mins a day, she is to wear them non stop only for sleeping and if we have to remove for bathing.
The new script has a Rx for the right eye that dumb doctor1 didn't diagnosis. With out treatment of the right eye while vision therapy on the left she will most defiantly develop migraines and the left eye will not rehabilitate.
She will go back through the year, nothing we can do, in a year we may be able to do some surgery however he said the best result come from what were doing, our greatest hope is to improve the depth and peripheral vision.

He said that what we can correct by the time she is 7 will be the greatest benefit, the rest of her life will be keeping what we get...sigh. He said sad thing is that the State of WV doesn't require full eye exams and rarely optical exams until 6 so most children like her end up legally blind by 10, which she will in the left eye if there is no improvement. Our success and diligence will dictate rather she get s to drive etc.

We have to be careful with no peripheral vision in parking lots etc, bike riding etc.

I am mad, hurt and just broken for this awesome strong takes the punches and rolls with it child. Who as we speak is talking of her hopes and dreams like nothing has thrown her off track. Sigh. She is still so clueless to the cruelness of people. The pure ignorance.

The message here is don't let people, organizations or councils dictate what they feel is appropriate for your child. Remember they make a decision based on real need and cost. Cost always being the greater factor and the need based on the average of children who are affected by this or that condition.

Her vision should have been a crucial aspect of her development and everyone from the pediatrician to the oral surgeon should have at one point considered the eyes...

Thank God I was driven to do this, I pray we have some time for growth and strengthening, of course there is always divine interventions.

Take your child to a eye exam today.

If your child spills their food a lot!, clumsy, trips on steps, hill in and out of tubs, steps up but doesn't clear well, runs into tables chairs that have been there for a while, walls cuts corners short, still can master fine tune motor skills, will just randomly say I'm tired as to divert them self from watching or using eyes....if you don't want to be in these guilty shoes just go do it.

Spell check is only checking half of this post and Beka is slowly eating away at my ankles...another post for later, spelling folks is just not important to me today so consider it a puzzle of sorts for your entertainment purposes.

Seek and destroy. an opnion soley of mine~no offense to others

2011-05-02T13:05:00.000-04:00

Okay it's all the talk, it's everywhere.

The enemy has been sought out (for ever!) and destroyed.

I have mixed emotions of this.
I am worried that he has simply been removed and the replacement will be 10X's worse.
I am worried that there are more men and women who will live more of their lives overseas in combat than with their lives here in America or station.
I an a little unsure if I believe how the whole thing went down. As a commoner if I am smelling something fishy, gulp.
I would like to complain, boycott and get on my soap box weekly but always a republican in the past I have found that in the past few years I have become a silent hypocrite. I just want to be safe, and ruffling the feathers of the biggest birds makes me nervous, but, fear has caused too many to be silent and for this I think I should become more educated in this matter and maybe own up to my feelings as I am sure there are many who think like I do...."this sucks, things stink, were sorta falling apart at asteroid pace....but it could always be worse."
I am really ashamed and feel the need to admit openly although I tear up, I pray and wish and support when ever asked to and have shared many heartfelt stories to others when I hear the ungratefulness of them as other fathers and mothers daughters and sons are fighting for our freedom. I can say that very little of my world has directly been affected short of income and economics but it is a far cry than those of the the service personal in the military.
That is just pathetic.
I would probably spit in my face.
Wow, I owe these people, the families, the solders the workers the orchestrator way more than I ever thought cause they not only kept me safe, they kept me protected so that if I choose to be involved I could but if not they would take care of me....
Thanks hardly seem appropriate, but sorry would be an insult...so as I said, the silence remains when there should not be any.
Thank you political leaders for being so I don't trust you, for being not so clear it worked you didn't make enough noise to reach little people like me, but you did make enough chaos and noise to make me afraid that if wow its this bad, then it could get worse so lets just make this work.
Thank for being the lesser of the evils.

Thank you to all those who would read this.
Thank families, mothers, fathers, sons, daughters, pastors, priest for allowing me to be so incredibly selfish...it is truly only something that can happen in America.

Safe and here.

2011-04-29T10:25:00.000-04:00

WOW what a storm that rolled through here, very scary, very slap you in the face am I where I need to be in my life type of storm. The day after there were many rose colored glasses in our neighborhood.

I can't even imagine. I can't believe what those people in the south had to endure for days, for the towns that are missing. WOW.

All I can say it rattled me, of course everything has rattled me as of lately I guess because I am so sure that I am not on the right path, I am not on my path but I am sure I have gotten on a path that isn't horrible but just not what brings the best of me out for others.

We are dealing with such a host if issues in our house. House repairs big ones with little resources, health issues of course. The eye deal with Anneleise turned worse and ended up in three pair of glasses two three sets of lenses and eventually another whole exam and set up and a lot worse outcome. Our life of course. We have dealt with Lice. Yes. Lice We have had the Influenza A B virus for three months, yesterday I took my moms dog and had her put down while my mom sat in my arms and cried as my 4 yr old does. Buffy helped soften the blow of my dads passing. Beka most surely has ADHA hyperactivity and coexisting issues or she needs an exorcism...Atty were starting lupus and juvenile arthritis testing. I have missed every doctors appt for myself in the last 2 years.

I still think of post, but just can hardly relive the days to vent about them, lately I end each day thankful I made it and in prayer that tomorrow will be better.

Over and out, I will be back...I will share cause if I don't I will explode.

Storm a brewing!

2011-04-28T01:09:00.000-04:00

So so much to post about several started but I am pacing the floor waiting for the "storm" o hit, trying not to freak my kids out and keep the hubs motivate to help me prepare for the worse...

Not enough hands to save everything in my house.

Hubs
3 small children
3 cats
1 puppy
of course myself....
2 hands?
Sorry hubs.

Pray for this little town in the roots of the mountians. Should a tornado hit it will get stuck between the mountians and travel straight for us....gulp.

ruby slippers, check.

Because it's been too long...and they have grown too much!

2011-04-21T00:12:00.001-04:00

You try to get these three stooges to behave , smile and stand still at the same time...no, seriously you try.

Really? I can open it now! (after weeks of presents coming in the house and put under the tree, I don't think she believed it finally was Christmas)

Just a pinch, just a pinch Mom!

I know, I know, since we returned to Disney last year this hat is showing up still, when dressing for very important dates, it is a must...and well Santa and her list...could anything be anymore serious?

She eats almost nothing, nothing...this is a face I care not to see much of but see way too often.

Come on, give me a kiss.

Are you seeing a pattern with this child ye? Drama is in her future, heck who am I kidding, she is all drama!

Obi...need EYE say more...this little eye bob thing helped her speech so much! I let her take it ever where, I tried to claim it this year on taxes...accounted said it had to have a heart and a brain....

She was willing to accept the sucker, the ornament and he take her request for Christmas this year but she kept her safe distance.

All eyes on deck...

2011-04-20T08:16:00.000-04:00

~*We have glasses.
~*They were less than "Bling", actually very dark and blah. (my husbands communications skill are a whole      other post)
~*They look much like the "birth control" army issued glasses.
~*When I asked her why those? She responded they are just like Velma on Scoooby Doo and well she is in    love with Scooby, our dog is named Scooby and anything webbed cause she wants to marry her Prince     Charming Fred or Spiderman.
~* In 4 hours of getting them we have been back 2 times for adjustments, they are way too big.
~* Four phone calls and on this morning to finally get them to offer to change out her costly glasses.
~* I searched yesterday day or a pair of frames and they had 6...4 wont work.
~* As soon as Tom gets in the driveway her and I are headed out to get a pair for her that work.
~*My jaw hit the ground, the left eye lens is thick, like "coke bottle" thick, which is fine if it helps but made
    me get a lump in my throat cause it just added to her already disproportionate features. Literally if you in
    front of her the left eye is huge. Makes me hurt for her cause at 4 she has been called a monster when she
    smiles by no less than a teachers aide....so this should add yet another layer of what won't kill you
   will make you stronger to her.
~*The man after the 2nd adjustment referred to her as a child with awkward facial features and a weird head   shape....duh ass wipe remember the whole conversation of birth issue?
~*She broke my heart with this conversation...
   "I can see better Mom"
   "You can?, that's great baby!, and you look so cute to add..."
   "I can see the trees, the flowers, the cows, the....oh look they have a birdbath in their yard!"
   "What can you see best, what looks better with your glasses on than without them on?
   "the birds, the trees, he cars...oh they whole world!"
   "gulp"....crickets....
~* Today, this week, I really need to get me a pair of those glasses that just make the world look
    better when you put them on.
~* I'm very weary of people not doing their jobs, dropping the ball or just flat out not caring...I do a lot of     work that I should not have to and pay people for a service that in the end is causing me more work.
~*School is out this week and instead of it being a relaxing fun week here, it is day camp night camp toddlerville and obviously at the look of my kitchen and pantry been the soup kitchen since Saturday and
   will have to reload in time for Easter dinner, of course at my house.
I have a lot to wrote out here but of course I am struggling with blogger...what is the deal, I can't get my pictures to go up I can not get my alignment to stay right .... Usually this is where I just delete it and walk away and wait another 2 weeks before I try but me and blogger are going to square off on this and onde day, just one day your going get on here and Bammmm....an awsome looking post with pictures and the works.
A girls gotta have a goal.

Eye will see you tomorrow...

2011-04-18T01:09:00.000-04:00

So long story short, and there is a long story here for another night. Tomorrow we go pick up Anneleise's glasses. Yup. The chick is sportn' some new Elton John's.

She is excited. We will see.

I will load a picture as soon as I can. But I will leave you with some suspense and a "What would you do?" question.

Sent her to the exam with Tom, he needed one too, he let her pick them out before calling to even tell me she needed them. The are pink and purple, they have "shiny dots". I know they have shiny dots cause after I let air reenter the room I was in during the follow up phone call that i received obviously too late I called the store and the only warranty is that on the "jewels/gems"....

Seriously....Who does that?

Yep your right.

Tom would do that.

Sigh.

Update later.

Oh yeah and although I would love to hear your comments on what you would do...for apparent reasons, killing him is not an option...well especially since the whole heat of the moment has past...laughing sort of.

Im at a loss.

2011-04-13T14:50:00.000-04:00

There is just so much to me. The title of this blog originally was a simple being. On a quest to just be simple, I have become very difficult. I have spent way too much time trying to get me. I have so much to talk about and but in a house the majority of the time alone with 3 children ~ small, 3 cats ~ insane psycho, 1 pup ~ maybe on borrowed time!, Tom ~ well Tom, and me ~ not my first choice...the post swirl and percolate and are really good but when it comes time to write them, they just dont feel important enough, sound whiney, stupid, or lets be honest there isnt a lot of intrest here. So even here on the blogosphere, I am lonley.

There is family but remove what we don't talk about, what we shouldn't say, what you can't say, the need to be contagiusly happy all the time...seriously it is a lot like work.

The who what when where of me 5 years ago was different than now, so much has happened, you guys only know so little. So I am going to redo this blog, this blogging thing will be for me again, if you read and want to follow staytuned, if not well it would have been nice knowing you.

I hope to have it up in 2 weeks. We will see. Old habits are hard to quit. I will see.

Spring...Sprang...Sprung!

2011-03-22T15:39:00.001-04:00

In true fashion my children has taken their busy little self outside this weekend. They have fully embraced Springs arrival and as soon as the second eye is opened they are at the door.

The elusive spring clean up list is long and daunting, but I have hope that this year will go easier because the kiddlets have more of an interest in staying outside. We will see.

Have I mentioned that Tom brought home a dog. Yup. I was done with pets when the rabbit was added to our family. I have written and have signed a letter that clearly states...as eat pet leaves in it's own timely manner they will not be replaced until there is a full family meeting in which I get two votes being that I do all the work following the week the newness wears off.

Can not get any pictures up here on blogger, looking into something else don't know what.

I am the poster person for boring.

Although I am psychic.

And the answers are...in a small novel.

2011-03-17T01:38:00.000-04:00

"Anonymous said...
This may be the hardest one, but...how are you? Emotionally, spiritually, physically?
How are your girls?
How is your husband?
What do your day-to-day activities look like?"

First off to answer all these questions with out going into detail does make me feel much like I would imagine if I went in for a mental health exam, which might not turn out so good, but, hey I am game. I thought if you want the "honest this is how I think right now this moment version" well you can read the black type. If you want the RLP version which would occur through a text or one word answer cause that is about all I can get in edge wise read the Blue type.

Emotionally?... I am very strong, I have the ability to be strong, I always have been. Since I was very young I have always had to prove everything, illness, sadness, joy, etc you get the idea. But I can be easily broken if that makes sense. Although I may be broken you would probably never know it. Over the years there is less and less to widdle away to get a reaction from me. There are moments to my emotional psyche and the brokenness usually is when there is me alone in silence and decompressing about the xyz of the xyz time frame. I think over the last 10 plus years, heck probably more like 20 years I have become emotionally numb, I am sure this leads to how I am able to handle things well or not so well some may think because I am numb. I give willingly and desire so, but I receive little...one might call that frigid? I sorta face everything with a internal hope and believe that it, anything I want can happen but as soon I as start those thoughts began the what if's, and could be's and prepare...because they usually happen more than the internal hope and dream thing does and when they do they are not anything like I had hoped and dreamed but tainted fragments. I don't ask for help. I kid but not really that I am allergic. I don't like help, help makes me feel guilty, weak and less than adequate. This has proven difficult and challenged me the most with the bring of two difficult sickly preemie kinda babies home at the same time.
Emotionally?... Combine Florence Nightingale wrestling with Linda Blair from the Exorcist and just a pinch of Van Gough, confused? me to that would break down to be compassionate hell raiser who just happens to be passionate about what she sinks her ear into..

Spiritually?...Humm.
I believe. Period. I believe in God. I believe in Jesus.
I believe enough that the statement above deserved a line of its own. I am learning, I am behind in the spiritual facet of my life. I have issues (working on them!) but I do. I don't believe that my daughter is sitting on a white cloud frolicking and thinking of me. I can't wrap my head around the death and religion. Can we say "issues!". I do believe in evil. Because I am sure that I knew evil before I knew God. I feel you can't believe in one with out the other. I believe in the Devil and the work of his angels. Period. I knew of evil and luckily it lead me to God. That statement doesn't not deserve any extra attention however the devil does make his self very present in my life he glorifies my sins making it almost impossible for me to believe that I am on the right track, worthy, cause there has been just enough obstacles thrown at me that I could have almost wavered (but didn't) and sadly well I was born into the Catholic faith with poor guidance and example and am probably forever confused and scared. I can't find a "home" per sea with my faith... There is a part of me that I just can't find a place for though. It is a physical spiritual place that I can't figure out. Like I know more, that there is a answer I have been waiting to unlock for like EVER...but I just can't get there...
I believe. Period.
But I'm not fully molded yet, I know that . Period.
Spiritually?...Seriously?...you know me right? What do you think? If you were me wouldn't you be too afraid to not believe? Honestly think about it...if I haven't been in the hands of Jesus for 40 (gulp almost 41) years do you think I could even answer this question?

Physically?...That's easy...TRAIN WRECK! I have dealt and overcame various health issues all my life. I was born with a pretty serious birth defect that pretty much dictated the majority of every aspect of my life. Not so much that the defect itself did but the dumb ass people caring for me never listened and never thought outside the box. Years of undiagnosed conditions, and a needed surgery and multiple unneeded ones, drugs and treatments that were destructive and useless pretty much played havoc on my body but the 11 years of infertility wow that rocked this old lady and her lady bits. Over the last year I have found the general grief of loss, the constant battle and somewhat isolation and the constant war, the insensitivity that came from about and through the war, the end of a life transition onto another to be well much more physically painful, destructive, depressing and disappointing than I ever imagine. You have asked this question just about the time where I have walked half way through the valley and although I can see the light, there are many more obstacles before me, however I am aware, very aware of what is on the line at this stage in my life and I have very little time to get on track.
Physically?...That's easy...TRAIN WRECK! Well lets just say if I had interviewed for a job based on my physical over all condition situation. I won't be getting the "Fabulous fit forty mom, wife, daughter , sister and rock n neighbor who loves do do everything... but more like"Frighting forty something looking like 49 ish frumpy slumpy bumpy dumpy mom, wife, daughter, sister and rock n neighbor who can't do anything cause she can't get out of her own way cause she can't walk pass a cookie jar to save her self" position.

How are your girls?... They are growing soooooooo stinking much. We have issues, a lot of health issues. I don't think that there are as many or as severe as they are presenting. I just think we need to find the right doctors and work out a lot of kinks in their over all care. Our area sucks for doctors. That's a whole other post. But I can not believe that they have grown so fast. They are all different. They have each and every everything just split up amongst themselves. I miss the one I will never know. Every day the girls grow and unfold her absence is more difficult form me. They challenge every stitch of my existence. If you are around them they will challenge your existence to. I don't know anyone who they can't make smile. They are a lot of fun, joy but I am not going to lie they make me work for my rewards! Whew do they ever. They actually treat each other with a decent level of respect now, they miss each other, they look for each other they help and watch out for each other. They will however throw one or both under a bus should it be necessary, tattle to the extreme meaning. There was a day, week heck a year where I thought Anneleise having siblings was not maybe the best thing for her, but I think I just might have known what I was doing....
How are your girls?...Hummm oh those two lil gnomes over there and that lil boogie nosed grumpy ol troll? yep...they are all mine. Gems huh? (i say this because someone out of the three always has boogs and is "not feeling well" out of sorts, we always have a troll in our presence and the other two depending on which day who is who well they are these cute lil people who you watch in awe, you turn your back and what...? they're right on you...) My kids are awesome. For me.
How is your husband?... I am not kidding when I say this. He is exactly the same person he was in May 1996 the day I met him. Period. *****crickets***** seriously. This is good. This is bad. He is still here in all this craziness so...I would say he is good in my eyes. Needs to take better care of himself.
How is your husband?...Hummm. remember that troll I referred to above, always one present...some times when the children are in a angelic cooperative place (sleeping) he eagerly takes over the grumpy ol troll in which I don't feel so bad about calling one of my children that since it is obviously genetic. Also he has always said he did not believe in divorce. So as far as him not taking his aging and health serious...that could be his early out to this gig we got going...? Hum have to think about that one.

What do your day-to-day activities look like?... For fun I am going to dedicate a day to writing down a full day from the moments I lay my head down and open my eyes to start the day to the next time I lay my head down (which by the way doesn't happen in the assumed same 24 hr period) and that will give you an idea. I long have longed for a while a real schedule but there is always a drama of some sort unfolding, medical, appointments, eating issues, family, food allergies I feel like I am just getting to a place where I can hold them responsible for not cooperating. Where one of their needs can be diverted to rationalize so we can focus. We have had days when I could figure out pain levels , breathing abilities...not able to communicate, my children have been preliminarily diagnosed with every horrible disease known in the pediatric field only after a slue of test and specialist to say...Oh great false alarm!...pure craziness. Scared the hell out of me.
What do your day-to-day activities look like?... I would be afraid of being accused of plagiarism cause if I reiterated one of my days, then another you would swear you were hearing the blurb to a quad feature horror, comedy (only the day after is this stuff funny though) fairytale~ish medical drama. All in all in the end it's all Gooooood. After bedtime.

There you go.
Whew. As long as I am being honest here it took as long to spell check than to type!
That was a lot especially being that you didn't even leave your name.
So now that I wrote all that my followers will either "leave me altogether", call 911 or come back for more "cause dang she can write the longest sentences I have ever tried to read!"
Do the math I have two followers. There will either be crickets, lovely and humorously supportive tales and comments or the police at my door...
Whew to Ewwww...I feel a little violated right now.

Under the thumb.

2011-03-14T21:59:00.000-04:00

So I came seeking blogging topics. Not because I don't have a million thoughts of my own, but they are intertwined among other thoughts and events that at the end of the day they are hardly something I can sit down and blog about. Write a book, maybe but not a one post wonder.

So being that myself and Anonymous sees the lack of interest in this cobwebbed webbed blog I guess they felt that they could ask 6 questions that pretty much encompass my life. I am laughing because I think this may be the problem with me...nothing is simple and one blog, one post or for that matter one word can not answer these questions. The answers have different facets and they shouldn't. So I will think on this one, I promise to answer but didn't expect to have to think so hard on it, so....sigh...I will think and tell tomorrow.

Anonymous said...
This may be the hardest one, but...how are you? Emotionally, spiritually, physically?
How are your girls?
How is your husband?
What do your day-to-day activities look like?

Questions?

2011-03-13T21:12:00.002-04:00

Would anyone be interested in asking me any questions....there is so much i want to blog about but can't decide where to jump off at?

A Bang!

2011-03-11T11:02:00.000-05:00

I think there is no other way to restart my blogging than to take today's vent, rant discovery and postpone it to reflect on the list of current events.

I think today I want to ask for prayers for the world. We have major crisis in every plain of existence. I find it sad, scary, I find it dishearten. I have guilt to the gills in my self centeredness. I have grown to hate the "silver lining" that I have before me almost daily, I find myself picking apart the wrong and not embracing the good...

Although here in my little cave of West Virginia I have not watch the ground open up, my house float away, my children stand in utter fear...

As broken as I have been...today I see the ultimate "silver lining" today, I know that I have known pain, I have known disappointment, I grief. But truly I don't know suffering.

I think today should be prayer. About seeking peace, hope and salvation.

Im coming back, I promise.

2011-03-10T14:20:00.000-05:00

Really the pure insanity of it all...you wont beleive it but it is all true. crazy madding and funny and the not so funny. I am heading back here. I miss my blog so much, it made me a clearer person. silly? you will see.

Because I am not dead...although they are trying to kill me!

2010-11-10T12:35:00.001-05:00

Really I am still here but in a way I'm lost.

If I began to even tell you what has gone on in the last few months , well you wouldn't beleive me.

It would however make a crazy, funny, tragic, dramatic teetering on the verge of insane book / movie.

I am guessing though that if no more people would watch it/ read it than I have blog followers, it won't be the Black Friday movie of this year!

On that note, I will leave you with another excuse...Beka is in a full leg cast hip to toes..no walking...the story will follow because for right now I am following Beka and making sure that she doesn't end up in a full body cast or her sisters don't end up in the ER.

It's been a tough few, I would appreciate it if you read to comment, I'm very needy like that right now and much like real life where I am talking to myself, I would like to think just someone, somewhere gets it...or gets me.

New blogger is being another booger!

2010-07-26T03:36:00.001-04:00

I'm really trying, but dang...it I just spent way more time than I care to admit and it's gone, all gone.

Why does this seem to be the current theme lately?

Rebeka and Brennah turn two today.

Sniff. Sniff.

And I'm not the only one sniffling.

Booger everywhere, them from allergies I guess? Three doctor appointments and we still have a rashy nosey thing going on, me from, sigh...well the baby blues, black and green...and of course this new blogger, love it, but not liking it right now.

So the big Two, too soon post will just have to wait, again, of course...because well you know...boogers.

Because bad habits die hard...or hardly die!

2010-07-26T03:12:00.002-04:00

I'm back!

Well I never really left bloggerville, but here I have been absent.

Had to get some direction and take care of a bunch of things, not kidding lots of blogging material but no emotional, mental or physical energy to boot.

Big changes I have been working hard on this blog, it's direction and since I have like almost no followers what to do with it...and I have decided.

Now, if I could just get this thing up and going and my three lil' things down and not running. Whew. They are busy these days.

Bound

2010-05-21T21:22:00.002-04:00

Disney bound that is...

Anything and everything has got in the way, and made getting here harder and at time impossible. But. We are leaving this house in about 5 1/2 hours. Tears, kicking and screaming and all...

And
we
will
have
a
good
time
even
if
it
kills
me!

Wish me luck and pray that we get there safe and healthy and return the same.

I get so giddy just thinking of seeing my children's faces the moment we walk into those parks. I'm sure I'll cry. I just wish my Dad would be here to see it too...he took me my first time, and I will always remember our trips there, it will always be a magical place for my heart and soul. Vacations just aren't the same anymore without him...but because of him I so look forward to them.

And to think it only took 13 years to get here.

Whatever.

2010-04-25T21:25:00.002-04:00

Not to be the Debbie Downer, but really the past few days have just been...whatever.

I am not a big fan of Miley Cyrus or Hannah Montana but the damn song "The Climb" has been going over and over in my head...

I feel like it has become sort of like my theme song perhaps my life ever go to screen...

I am so very lost in life. That I don't live. Make sense?

Well if it does, let me know and help me out.

There are just too many takers in my life. It makes me very sad that everyone in just wants me to give a tad more so that ...well thier lives are just better. Sure I say.

Keep climbing on my back like a monkey...after all that green witch on the Oz had to collect that flock of monkeys some how right?

So watch out peoples...I have been collecting monkeys for a very long while and as soon as I find me some ruby slippers...I'm out of here!

Time up, time out?

2010-04-18T10:28:00.002-04:00

So it is very clear that Beka has been less then a happy camper as of lately. She has gone through periods of this on and off for a while, but over the last few weeks she has been pushing the envelope.

Yesterday I got the playpen out the travel one and when I put her in it for time out she cried when I took her out then the other two fought to get in too! She hang on it for hours until I put it away yelling Time UP! Oh dear sweet child you got it, time up on this crazy primal train!

I'm not a real hokie about a lot of things but I'm very seriously considering the culprit "gummy treats"!

Seriously she got a ton of them and she is addicted to them. I have been reading a lot up on the whole autistic ADHD diets and there is a lot of correlation to food dyes and typical behavior. After I looked through a few days of her eating I noticed that she is just loaded with them and since Easter she has been given them in copious quantities...my bad.

SO today she is slightly less "primal" than she was the other day and we are 3 days out with almost no food dye...

It is a test, this is a test by the world wide web public and mental health department. I have googled and searched some causes for these manners of hers, so if it isn't going to be something in her diet, and we have gotten her sleep under control...then well I will have to admit that it just maybe, possibly could be me...and how we are dealing with these episodes...which I will admit when some (many) of them occur I am shocked and react.

I am a reactive person. One of many of my flaws. But much like a young teen who grows up with their babies...Ol' dogs must learn new tricks too...so when I tell her that this is going to hurt me more than her...we'll I won't be over reacting, finding balance here is painful for me because I just can't figure this out, but I do think that I am on to something. The diet along with her final five teeth who are just bulging and taunting us with their presence.

Isn't she just the sweetest?

2010-04-17T10:01:00.002-04:00

Yes, this is a trick question. And sort of a multiple answer questions...I guess the correct answer would have to be an essay...or maybe a trilogy written through her life.

My hope is that when her life is all done on this earth, there will be more good than bad, more love than hate, more happiness and grief, more sweet than sour.

I am hopeful that this can happen being that she is choosing right now in her life to get her experiences with bad, hate, grief and sour...

Seeing where this is going?

Yup.

Out of bed for 5 minutes this morning and she attacked, she yelled , she threw and she tantrumed.

Oh sweet Beka, I know with all my heart that there is this amazing smart bright happy and dear child in there...please , please I am begging you to release her and let the demons be gone.

If you can't do this for me your mommeeee....or your daddeee could you have your first unselfish act and do it for Atty and Anneleise. Please.

Negative.

2010-04-16T17:41:00.001-04:00

CF negative.
Whew....

2 of our children down...wonder when they will throw this ball at us for Bek.

Makes me want to just do it on my own to get it over with.

There just maybe some hope for the weekend.

Seriously. Who am I kidding.

Becasue how do you make a post out of this stuff?

2010-04-16T08:51:00.003-04:00

48 hours out from testing and still no results, even after the suck uppy nurse at the Drs off promised me she would get me the CF result that night.

Grrrrr and some!

Have been contacted by the fraud department that there is excessive use of our ATM card.

Received two phone bills in the mail (cell) and they contained nothing but international phone calls, not our numbers but all our info...even social!

Beka has 5 teeth the final five...and she is less than pleasant, friendly...well frankly she is horribly mean and very aggressive.

Atty has been screaming every night two hours after going to sleep...I say reflux...they are determined to find some organic horrific disease...

Getting 15 ~ 80 pds bags of mulch delivered in the am...only to find out that Tom is working this weekend!

Double grrrrrrr following the last bullet.

36 days till our 8 days in the Happiest place on earth and the savings account is just dwindling at a record pace.

Last night found out that there is total ant infestation in our shed out back...WTC?

Set off a ant bomb and well should have really read the whole direction insert first...now I have a sore throat and if I'm lucky all my hair won't fall out!

Found out yesterday that our freezer time is up for our 3 embies...cough up the cash, implant or have an abortion...triple grrrrrr.

Anneleise continues to be doing awesome on the potty, about one accident a day usually revolving around poop or sleep.

Anneleise has become a great big sister to Beka, Atty well so so.

Did I mention that Beka is like breaking western of anything and everything in her path, no patience or at times a shred of kindness...she open hand slapped me last night, and dumped three cups of water out of the tub as she stared me down.

Woke up this morning I swear with 500 grey hairs...

1 year with no fertility drugs on board and my body has decided to go bonkers.

computer keyboard is all sticky and every other key doubles the letter and I'm done fighting with it!

A prayer for Brennah Atlynd Brooke.

2010-04-13T21:11:00.002-04:00

SO~ I get a phone call yesterday that tells me that they got Atty in to a specialist for her lungs and cough and it is May 5th. However that after reviewing her films and records they want her at Hopkins in the morning for some test. We are getting a whole host of things done but again we are being thrown into the Cystic Fibrosis pool.

You can buy me for a nickle tonight. We just did this with Anneleise in January. How many negatives before we get a positive...God I hope not.

Our daughter Aubrey passed of a defect that has been compared to CF. It is more common to have what Aubrey had than CF. However our odds are not great after having a child with what Aubrey had vs the history of our miscarriages and pregnancies. Of course being that I was treated like a village idiot during the first year of Anneleise's life, we would have known these things prior to having Beka and Atty if we really knew where we were in this horrific crappy life of IF, infant loss and pregnancy loss.

So~ in the morning I load Brennah up, along with my mother and we go to Hopkins and for 24 hours my stomach will turn, my heart will sting, my muscles will get so tight they will cramp, I will have to remind myself to breath. Al the while I will support Brennah, leave my girls Anneleise and Beka behind thinking that things are all good (you know life's a party!), let Tom go to work and not worry, hope I can pull this off and Atty not have to go through to much and more than likely support mom as she throws out stupid hallmark card statements and tries to convince me that she has endured everything I have gone through and this is what a parents live is all about. Of course I am sure I will have to dodge some insults and jabs as she will be crabby from getting up so early and I'm sure not eating and taking her meds right...

So! pray pray for all of us I'm not a gambler, but I can't help but feel like I have a unscratched lottery ticket in front of me and I just don't want to scratch it...but I guess I will.

I am so tired of finding the silver lining, making the best of things, being strong, fighting for proper health care and advocating for my children when these people should do is out of desire...

I have this horrible feeling about this journey. I pray that this isn't premonition, motherly instinct...I don't like the feeling of having my children on borrowed time.

So if anyone reads this...Pray that dealing with these wonky legs of hers is all we are looking at.

Good news is that Aunt Ellen and Joe just may be down to visit at the end of the month and boy o boy will they be in for a surprise...the girls are just growing like crazy (except for Atty of course) and wild, I'm sure it will be good for a laugh or two.

The ship is leaving at 9 am...to destination..."to be announced later".

Becasue.

2010-04-12T09:24:00.002-04:00

I'm happy today.

I know WOW!

I'm happy because only for hygiene reasons have we had to change Anneleise's pull up for three days.

I'm happy because as we were shopping yesterday for things to pack for our trip, Anneleise asked to use the potty every time...and not obsessively.

I'm happy because Atty has ate a huge breakfast for the last three mornings.

I'm happy she has entertained other meals.

I'm happy because for the last week Anneleise and Beka have just played and played, but last night Anneleise played with Atty a bit (very short bit) and she just laughed and laughed.

I'm happy because like 10 things came of our list on the fridge, the list that taunts me like having prickly heat in Georgia while the dog days of summer.

I ordered like 15 bags~80lbs each of mulch that will be dumped on my lawn next weekend so the outside will be getting a face lift too!

I'm happy because I finally got my bangs cut and they were the longest I have ever had, however my over all hair is almost the shortest I have been in a while...

I'm happy because with very little effort...I lost 3 lbs this week. This just goes to show you that emotions are worth their weight. What has been resting on my shoulder , in my heart has weighed what felt like a ton...not really a ton, but you get it...and just beginning to dump it is already showing itself.

I'm no expert in this area but I definitely think "thinking" that I had to be tough, strong and brave and thankful and appreciative always supporting those who I felt I wanted support from, forcing myself to do and say things for the greater good, just dealing with IF, pregnancy and infant loss just caused so much damage. There are emotions, feelings you are supposed to have, people who feel that someone omitted those because they are such troopers are wrong. I think it is because they just don't feel comfortable around them to do so, hence just bottling them all up and like a fine champagne waiting for the day someone unwraps that prestigious wire cage from it's cork and BANMM. I seriously doubt anyone would have ever unwrapped my cage, our family tends to lend it's self to planned conversations and we are totally into avoidance and we most definitely avoid any unpleasantness. But I on the other hand, won't do this anymore. my life, my health is on the line so I will deal and go through this as most and many do.

Doing the math. A Pardon. Spring, sprang sprung.

2010-04-07T08:02:00.005-04:00

Well not much to report here on this front other than Easter came and went in holiday true fashion. Easter eve was spent in the ER with Mom, she was admitted for chest pain, is fine and discharged during Easter dinner the following day. The elusive bunny came and dropped off a ton of candy which is now in a large bag on my counter that is hidden from the children as for they react to large amounts of candy and to be honest 3/4 of it they can't eat.

There is almost 30 eggs in my fridge. Looking for creative and tasty ways to use 30 hard boiled eggs.

Our grass is about as high as the snow was deep this winter. The list of Winter and spring clean up was posted on the fridge this morning, it is two pages long. errrrg.

I woke up yesterday just clearing the baby blues recently to remember that in 4 days I will be...gulp...41. Enough said.

Woke up today with a short but somewhat difficult list of things I want to accomplish from myself before my half birthday in September...difficult because I believe that they will be all stress and emotionally driven obstacles that I will need to conquer.

The first of things losing weight. I have struggled all my life, but lets just say, PCOS, years of infertility medications, multiple stomach surgeries, bowel surgeries and well of course this winter has been hard on all of us. I don't weigh on the scale more than I have ever weighed, but it is in different places, my energy is zapped and well frankly I look fat and old, and not the fat and happy kind of fat, just lumpy and bulgy and gross.

My mother while traveling with me on a appointment for Anneleise to Hopkins this week informed me that I always look like I'm cleaning house...that my old haircut was cute, but now I look old and it's stringy and she can see every wrinkle in my forehead with it this way, and hold on if I would like to try Nutri System she would pay for it for my birthday so I could loss the weigh since I have had Atty and Bek....

No.

I didn't slap her simple, because well she is already is.

I hate more than anything anymore the statement that being a mother, becoming a mother or the antics of my children are too much, not desirable, more than I bargained for etc. When honestly I won't lie, being a mother, a very lucky SAHM is harder than some would think...I find that once I put on this hat (metaphor only!) being a friend, a wife and daughter and sister much mcuh harder, Maybe because for so long I was more to them and when we finally became parents, a mother, there is less of me and well that isn't enough, or just me feeling I can't subtract me from the old equation an I feel the need to increase the surface of me to contiue to provide for the ratio of me:them in the past. Whatever, my children are what I don't need a break from, it is all the other crap.

I did let it go, shouldn't have but did because well sadly she is all I got, so.

But today this morning I have decided that Anneleise will remain our child, our first born...a glimmer in my eye. Let's just say she received a pardon, and I believe that although she went down and is traveling a much harder winding road, she has relinquished control and accepted her sisters, and the idea that potty using is her hardcore future. We are 5 times already this day and only one accident in the pull ups, they are as I speak playing Ring a Rosie, laughing and Atty who tries to avoid even the slightest eye contact when the duo are entertaining each other is mocking them and laughing.

Ahhhhh....for 1 minute and 51 seconds there was a bright light of hope and happiness before my eyes.

Then with all I have I will welcome April. Hate April. Anneleise and Aubrey's pregnancy fell apart in April. Aubrey in most sense of the word died that month...I continue to age and it is celebrated in a warped depressing way every year, and the yard labor began.

Like the flowers, the grass, the smell of fresh dew in the morning and the sting of hot air in the afternoon, my husband, much like the bears and the snakes...grumble and hiss as they are awaken from their long winter slumber.

I guess we will need a serious thunderstorm this year to wake everyone up because from the general conversations with folks alike...we all have had a very long winter, spring sprang...then sprung and here we are staring summer down like a cat ready to pounce.

SO. Since we are given another chance to renew life, as Easter closes...am I the only one that needs to pick herself up and wipe herself off...?

I guess this post would require comments to actually be interactive and since commenting isn't what this blog is about, leave it on the shy...really your opinion and comments could make a difference in this stagnate SAHM life!

Because really if you didn't see it would you beleive it?

2010-04-01T10:02:00.002-04:00

Atty is just a clutter lover. She can't play unless she surrounds herself with stuff. When she gets into books she wants all of them off the shelves...on her behalf though she does sit and look at them all for a long time. So if I had to have it any other way this mess is better than her not wanting to look at a book...ever! Then there is these two. Beka and Anneleise well what can I say. The two together are just trouble. They are the double in trouble. I have asked Anneleise to help with some things concerning the girls not because I need her too but she lacks a bit of the desire to nurture and well um like her sisters, so I thought things like helping them eat and dress would be fun...This is how it ended...

this is how it started until Anneleise of course felt the need to be a dog. They barked and everything.

Then Beka. See those little green boots. She wears them all the time. I have more pictures of her in these boots and naked than I care to admit. They are a must have for when she is playing kitchen. So I'm thinking that maybe she is going to be a chef or something. No matter what where ever she works, when the *hit gets deep she will be ready to roll up her sleeves and keep going...or this could be a sign that she will be the one who shells it out. The later would be my guess right now.

My girls are just growing leaps and bounds, everyday they pass by is just going faster and faster. There is just a hint of infancy in our house almost all erased. I find myself just internalizing the end of a lifetime of all I focused on...to the present the tangible the future of what I am afraid is the unknown. So I have become aware that these little critters of mine are developing at a record pace for me and if I want to be part of it at all, if I want to learn all the ins and outs of their little developing minds...I must, I must step out of the clouds, the haze the funk, leave the sadness behind, the what if and could be's...stuff down deep and make room for the future that I never ever ever thought I'd have.

Is this hope?

2010-03-31T10:43:00.003-04:00

So I used to be one of those people that just oozed hope. I always believed that any situation could change, improve or at best have a miraculous outcome. Without going into detailed there has been enough happen to me in my life that hope was a personal quality replaced by many facet some not so grand...

But today, the wind has stopped the sun is shining and yes cyber world.

Drum roll please.

Anneleise has not only once but twice came to me and said she had to potty and you guessed it, she went and her diaper/pull up was dry.

I'm speechless.

I'm fearful to allow hope back into my life again, it is quite soul crushing to me, but folks, this very well could be the Easter miracle that I needed.

Seriously her learning to use the potty would remove so much stress for me, of course the physical (have you ever had a child in a 6 diaper/pull up when she needs to be in a uuuuuhhhmmm like 8? it was like having a puppy in the house. The I wouldn't have to hear another parenting comment from parents who have children who just took to it like ducks in water...then my mother can find another subject of my lack thereof parenting skills...I could stop worrying that she has some delay that would make her unable to achieve this goal (her history has lead to even the simplest task being very hard for her)...that we are approaching a new maturity level which means we can move on to bigger and better things for her...I can stop pulling my hair out 1 of the 100 times a day that I do...did I mention the cost?

This is just the iceberg of garbage that will be left behind should she decide to take on this responsibility herself, but if she doesn't I won't be bitter or angry, I will just continue to work at it with her, but how insane is it that my child's lack of meeting a social standard of potty training can cause so many others distress, which hacks into my parenting ...

Bad thing about getting her finally potty trained is that now they will expect her to complete calculus before kindergarten, and well I guess I will have to exercise my parenting and bitchy abilities and just tell the mto back off!

So if you are one of those who want my child to meet every pediatric milestone by the book...well, lets just say you ahve been warned.

Becasue this is just a peek....

2010-03-27T13:36:00.002-04:00

Beka has been spotted everywhere she shouldn't be...as in her sisters room, after complete and total destruction...
A very old and crabby cat who has decided he mine as well join them if he can't beat them...

A very sick Atty who has taken weeks, I mean weeks to even resemble her old self...

Then there is the matter of a three almost four year old who has decided that the world according to her is just fine...bucking kicking and screaming all the way to the potty! yes still!

Then the phasing out of everything little and baby to all things childproof.

So this on top of major damage after this winters snow fall under repair, a sick husband who has not worked for 5 weeks and we are still looking at 2 more weeks off. Throw in my mother who I took to the hospital (in between three trips to the ER with Atty) getting admitted to the hospital with pneumonia, Atty's "viral infection" turning into pneumonia, Annleielse's upcoming Hopkins appointment with the immunologist and GI doctors, Atty's pulmonary appointments and we are so close to our Disney vacation that I have to do the whole winter clothes out and summer clothes in to get ready...5 people ! it is insane but we are going if we all go in a box! this all adds up to one very tired and burnt out and irritated momma....well that is why I haven't blogged for a bit, but trust me I have been hit from all angles with much material to blog about, although I am thinking it will turn out to be more of one giant 3 part vent. Dag , I forgot I need to get pictures done this week too....

30 days.

2010-03-15T11:02:00.002-04:00

30 days of post that just need edit. 90 days of pictures that just need loaded.

1 sick husband.

0 time to do anything.

Wishing for more energy, more time and just one extra day a week.

I may be back, I may not...

SOS.

Don't you wish?

2010-02-17T23:00:00.002-05:00

There are times I wish I wore one of those video cameras attached to my forehead. Really it would lend a lot to explaining so much about me and or even my life.

It would explain just maybe why I am always tired.

It could explain more than likely why I am happy more than not that Tom is only home with the children 3 days a week.

Why I am so stinking tired all the time.

Hahaha, why I repeat myself.

Just how many tasks I can multi task.

And probably the biggest reason and my most remorseful reason. I am missing million, millions I tell you of America's Funniest Home video clips that would surely win us some college fund money. Hell if I stay on the track I have been on this last year...we could buy our own college. Which maybe something we may want to look into for our children...being that one doesn't follow our directions and I am positive will be going to college in pull ups, one refused to follow any directions and the other is a tattle tale and a lounge lizard. However in their defense they are all under three so I must remain hopeful...wishful and well you guys have my take on miracles, but why not, that they will rise to above these obstacles and in fashion move on to something else.

"Why do you think these things" you ask?

Humor. Gotta have it, gotta live it or else.

Here is a just a glimpse of a chance for great video.

Set up.
Babies have been pushed to their limits, bathed, beds changed, cups filled, toys picked up and while I am straighten up I figure lets just wipe down that ceiling fan.
"Done"
Tell my husband "Wow, I can't believe how messy their floor got over the last couple of days you know I should really run the vacuum real quick, you know how the mornings go...."
Hub goes and retrieves the vacuum (new one Orek, lovin' it so much!).
I picked up the second round of toys thrown out of the toy boxes and corral the kiddlets while I vacuum. Turned on vacuum and "WHAT THE?"
"NOOOOOO"
"What the freak?" I can't decide at the time if I am more upset that my new vacuum just broke or is this just the sign of more sister karma on her way....
Enters hubby to the rescue,"Have you changed the bag lately?"
"Huhaaa. crap...no I forgot we had a bag system now, crap we don't have bags do we...?"
"I think we got one with it."
This brilliant person whom I will refer to as "myself" took it apart while the hubby was getting the bag, he walked in and all I heard was......
"Beka Elizabrh NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOooooooooooo....varooommmmm"
Seriously. Beka turned on the vacuum. I can still here the laughter in air. But then I couldn't see anything, so really what I heard is all I remember.
Need I paint the picture any clearer? Bag vacuum half on half off still plugged in to the wall. The twinlette monkeys going bonkers after our second round of "lets go night-night". Freshly dressed, bathed and clean beds and a rarity...a cleaned turned on ceiling fan.
It isn't pretty, it wasn't nice, it was like watching Groundhog Day all over again, and again.
They have gone to bed since the event, they are cleaned, breathing treatments, the beds are cleaned, the bedding is washed, we are clean and as for the floors...
Did I forget to mention that we didn't have any bags and I ripped the one that was full to the gill with the hair of three giant shedding cats?
So because I was multitasking, and failed miserably, the hubby had to get to the shed out back (in snow that looked to be still knee high on a 6'3 ish man)for the shop vac, back and rough clean the babies room.
It only took seconds and I, we , will pay for this for weeks. Atty's lung development has slowed lately and she started barking yesterday anyway.
So really, now it is funny, a few hours ago, not so funny...hubby not really found any humor in this yet, but I am sure he will one day.
The day may be when I have to threaten him to laugh at this stuff or else I won't wipe the scrambled eggs of his face.

I can't find my cell phone this evening either, talked to my sister then it just disappeared. Humm, another reason to wear that camera...To find missing things.

Because what is home with out ...

2010-02-13T10:56:00.002-05:00

2 Trolls. Today is Anneleise's day. And she wants everyone to know it. I guess I should go ahead and make my post for tommorrow. Because if everything happens as it has been for the last year, at midnight Anneleise will return to her happy high energy self and Atty will consume the roll.

Blast from the not so past...

2010-02-13T10:51:00.002-05:00

Starting my digi scrapping I came across this picture, for some reason it just cracks me up. To this day when we talk about what to get Atty and Beka rather it was for Christmas, Easter etc...Anneleise replys "Sheep".

I always said that I wasn't going to force them to always be a "group" but for the life of me it just makes me giggle and I cave in. It, this is just one of the rare occasions when I was able to get the three of them on board with something. Just thought I'd share it...guess you had to be there but Tom and I really did feel like herd dogs that night.

Have I mentioned?

2010-02-09T15:37:00.002-05:00

That this sweet child that we prayed for, that we love to through and through, that I would go to the ends of the earth for...

Is a undercover Troll, who lives under a bridge.

Today is one of those days, her day...and everyone is goin' to know it!

Update.

2010-02-09T13:46:00.002-05:00

We went.
It snowed.
We shoveled.
It's negative.
We shoveled.
We are feeling half full and half empty.
It snowed.
We shoveled.
We are going to an infectious control doctor.
It's snowing.
We are shoveling.
We are seeing an oncologist in two weeks.
It's going to snow more.
We are going to be shoveling for at least a while.

Guess I should be praying.
I don't think I ever felt so much like "why bother..."
Did I mention that it's snowing?
Did I mention that it's going to snow a lot more tonight then this weekend?

Really. This is all I got. For now.

Maybe I was wrong...gasp!

2010-02-05T02:28:00.002-05:00

So in my moments of gloom and doom this week I went back on the thousands of pictures of my children that I have taken over a period of their short lives and every once in a while I see one that I missed before, that for some reason, although adorable of course the first time I saw it or the thirty third time, stood out this time and had a different feel about it.

Obviously this one speaks volumes that occasionally calmness and quit times (well this is just short of a miracle in its self) can happen in our house...humm I'm just sort of wondering where Anneleise is?

Seriously a home with multiples never gets three children setting down at one time then to get a picture of it too!

*FYI: no child was hurt, threatened, restrained or even hypnotized in the making of this photo!

Lets hope and pray...

2010-02-05T02:20:00.002-05:00

That just like this picture everything is smooth sailing...

*FYI I did not dress her this is one of "Sarah Anneleise Klaire's favoritest outfits" gulp, says Anneleise.

Stephen King...who are you?

2010-02-04T15:46:00.002-05:00

Well we got two dates for testing. Febuary 16th at 9:45 am or tomorrow at 9:00 am.

Since I am going up the wall I choose the one for in the morning, the bad weather isn't supposed to start until noonish~ then I caught the latest weather up date and I here...

"Folks It's going to be the storm of the Century so to speak..." and they expect it to start around 8 ish here in our area with ice first then saying we should see 12 inches in the next 6 hours...

So who is Stephen King, a prophet, a poet, a novelist or someone who just happens to write a good movie with quirky titles that haunt you forever...

errrrg.

Okay God I get it, you don't take threaten lightly...so would you go for a bribe? maybe a homemade angel food cake by chance? After all we are getting enough snow I should have time and since I can't sleep while I am awaiting the impending doom that has been looming over my head for the last month, it is the least I can do.

Because things can get worse...

2010-02-03T23:06:00.003-05:00

We are waiting on the appointment to take Anneleise for testing...

Because one child with a fatal birth defect and some, stupid country OB's who kept telling I would grow out of this "miscarriage deal" 13 times, Atty's extensive (really horrific) ortho surgery this summer due to malformed legs/knees in utero, Anneleise whole life since birth complications from a phlagiocephally and torticollis left untreated too long (idiots) hasn't been enough to test me!

Hold on for this.

Cystic fibrosis.

Yeah, I am falling apart at the seams right now too.

They haven't done the sweat test yet but there are other tests since she has been sick that are all pointing there. Can't decide which evil I want (because she will have to have something, that is how our lives are here in Whitney's World) the CF that she is leaning towards or the small cell cancer which although is slow is usually fatal by the time it is detected.

I'm sorry did someone just suck all the air out of the room.

I would ask for prayers, but really I'm sure this whole mess (my preferred choice of words) has already been decided and one again I'm just going to survive and take what is been dealt, and I say dealt because I'm sure I never stood in the line for "continuous heartache", well then of course since I was not looking for it and it was beside the "wants a simple life, left alone" life and when I dropped my keys I fell into it....hum that must be what happen. Well as I siad we'll get through this too...

and another one of my children...might not.

*************INSERT FOUL MOUTH, HOW YOU REALLY FEEL HERE ****************

Crap, shit, damn and lets just throw a fuck fuck fuck in there too.

Yea, I did...

2010-02-01T09:45:00.002-05:00

Against everything I knew that made me whole, against everything I knew I could handle and not...

I did it, I watched "A Duggar special delivery..."

I go there, I don't know why I go there. I do not know why I get any pleasure in watching the show 16,17,18 and now 19 and counting.

A person who has struggled with getting pregnant or carrying a pregnancy to birth a live child and even have a child come home with them, in general this show is just well off limits.

It can take even one of the strongest faithed person and frankly give them the dribbling shits.

But honestly I felt drawn to it. Lately my mental state about pregnacies no more for us and the death of our children has had me in quite a gloomy and cup is half empty place.

For the record, I know how very lucky, blessed and grateful we are to have our lil' girls...but I guess in my healing I really need to have this tantrum. And to be honest it really is just that a tantrum.

Why me? Why my babies? Why weren't all 13 of my miscarriages worth the life that 13 of the Duggars got to bring home? I prayed, hard. I begged. I stood on my head, I did everything I was told. I moved away, I went to the best. Many babies with Aubrey's condition survive. Why did I have to give up every other dream I had to just have my children, why did we follow a path to financial destruction to get here? How come my heart had to grow so hard, how come my marriage has suffered incurable damage? How come some people can shit fairy dust and others raw sewage? Really I question my faith at times like this...all I can conclude is that God is not a Democrat. He obviously doesn't see that if he just gave everyone one, no one would be hurting, in despaired. I guess he felt I needed a bigger hole in my heart to let him in... I know people who have truly had some terrific miracles...and let me honest in saying why? why them? I know two situations who were just down nasty, liers to me and my family, but atlas fairy dust surrounds them.

Any how a tantrum like that can go on for hours, and it can get quite ugly so I will stop myself there. I do really want to believe that God provides for my family, that he wants no harm and will make and do the best for me and my family. But this really leads me to a question that I have always felt in my heart. Worthy? If is God is making lemonade (my life) out of lemons( what my life is destined) then damn...I think I'd like something else.

My heart is heavy with much pain, disappointment, hurt and general sadness. There has not been one event in my life that wasn't a struggle, hard work exhausting to the point that I was numb by the time we got there.

Watching that show last night was good in the sense that I saw concern, worry and at one point Jim Bob said " we have praised the Lord through the good, and he choked up when he said so now we have to praise him through this difficult thing..." clearly he was very distraught over the reality and the severity of what was laying ahead of them for his wife and thier unborn child, who I have no doubt they yearn for and love.

What kind of person gets any satisfaction seeing this from someone. But I did. I made me feel a bit better of myself. That even though he said those words, and that it was clearly obvious that Michelle Dugger was praying contiguously in the background while he was talking...it made feel good to know for a moment they have a idea how my life feels.

So to say that I'm happy there is a micro preemie born to this family or any other is not what I am trying to say, I guess I'm trying to say that I just don't know where I am with all of this.

I'm mad, I don't have any choices and as much as I know with all of who I am right now that I need to drawl God closer to me and surround him in my life...I feel sort of concerned that I'm just not worthy of his best, that I am capable of handling one of his show stopping miracles.

He had his chance with Aubrey. He could work in Atty's life to correct her legs for her instead of making her suffer and get concussions and bruises weekly, he could ease Beka's breathing problems...he could embrace Anneleise and help her with her speech and her plagiocephaly. But know he will give me just enough strength to survive, barely hold my marriage together, and be a satisfactory mother, a semi-supportive and loving sister and aunt, and well lets just say I'm not even a nice and attentive daughter anymore (after all shes a mother she get its right?)

So here I am, the babies have had no sleep and they are screaming and even this thought will be put hold but I guess I am questioning...

What do you have to do, be, what star do you have to be born under, who does your parents have to be, where do you have to go to church, who do you have to know have praying for you to just one day feel the warmth and know that giving him your heaviest load that day your not in for some kind of tortuous underling lesson that in the end because you merley survive it your that greateful.

Maybe I am being mislead, maybe all these people, bloggers, reality showes, neighbors, family and firends well, maybe they are just trying to beleive that they are this blissful, that life is jsut this perfect.

Me well, I have had to take too much medicine in my life and well that spoon full of sugar really only does help get it down.

What is your take. Grief, I'm dealing. Jealously 9yea this is what some of it is!) I get that I'm not entitled to everything my heart desires. But what I am afraid is that I'm bitter and could I have picked a bigger , greater object to reflect my bitterness on...God.

Wow, I sure know how to open a can of worms.

Nearly another year...

2010-01-31T11:54:00.003-05:00

During my blogging time out my twinklets had their first birthday, then the party, then their 1 year pictures done...although we had them done twice, I have yet to find the disc for the ones we bought since the kitchen renovation, but these are cute and give you an idea of how they have grown so much. Really Atty the one with pigtails is a happy lil' girls but when she is being curious she always looks like she is catching flies! Beka who is endlessly saying "cheese" as soon as I get a camera just woke up and of course they took us right away and she just about cried every time. The lady was training someone else that day and of course every shot took twice as long so keeping two in the frame...well, they weren't the only ones crying, lets just keep it at that.

Trust me when I say though it may look different no child was hurt in the taken of these photos and we actually got several good ones, but these are the ones that seemed to make it to the disc I bought.

I'm really wishing for a new camera, if I could just get a faster shutter I can take great pictures, but unless the tooth fairy stuffs one under my pillow following the extraction of the molar that I have sunk way too much money on already, maybe Santa will grant the wish.

Humm we will see.

Booked our family trip for summer today. Can I get a Wahoooo! Disney here we come!

So now I must go make a list of things that I need to make a list for, so that I can check off and make new list...seriously, I'm so anal sometimes I get on my own nerves.

If having twins has taught me anything, well children period not just twins...there is very little room for list other than to remind you of what you didn't get done that day.

Momma needs duct tape...

2010-01-28T15:07:00.004-05:00

Really I need about three rolls right now.

I have come to the conclusion that treats, time out,rationale' reasoning, persuasion, threats, trickery, force, manipulation, story telling and plan ol' begging just isn't enough for my children.

I need duct tape so I can tape Anneleise to the potty...until she goes on it that is...she will sit forever, then get up just when she goes...I'm thoroughly convinced that she has chosen this for a power play...it's getting so bad I'm thinking of waving a puppy in front of her to get it done.

I need a roll for dinner time to keep everyone sitting for at least 15 mins.

Some for Beka's clothes, who after two days of stripping buck naked got herself tangled in her own shirt during nap time and I had to go her rescue, her neck was over her head and the arms had her arms tied behind her back, this morning she was stripped to the flesh picking her belly button as I went to get her up. I have done onesies and she just pulls at them until she rips a snap, the other day she got her one foot stuck in the one leg hole...it if it can be done, she will, is or soon will be doing it! Since I'm using a bit of tape on her clothes I could even tear off a tab for that lip of hers...she has a horrible temper and a very strong, very loud (the kind you can't ignore and you quickly try to at bay) for that cute little potty mouth of hers (just kidding I'd never really tape her mouth, but the clothes..well it may happen.

I would use some for Atty and tape her feet to the floor. For a child with such terrible legs she sure does manage to get where she wants and fast I might ad. I could us the other half of Beka's tab for her spout too! she is such a tattle tale.

As of last night I am definitely using some on Anneleise's door...I got a visit from her at 12:30am (for more cuppie) then 1:55 am for bread, 4:30am for gummi tinkerbells and a stink bug on her wall....

SInce she has been on a antibiotic protocol for this nasty intestinal issue of hers her sleep is terrible, terriblier. I know that isn't a word, but don't mess with me I live 24/7 with 3 under three I'm lucky I still now my given name!

I'm starving...

2010-01-24T22:39:00.002-05:00

Well I'm not but I feel as though Atty is. She is loosing weight very fast and has all but turned down all food. I'm at my wits end and would love some advice. Any. Hey this is your chance to give me your opinion...this doesn't happen often so take me up on it, help my kiddlet and we all win.
What are your tricks.
Update: the day following this post!
Last night we had horrible smelly runny diapers, and we have a red, red bottom this morning and I noticed she threw up a bit through the night, but didn't wake up....humm.

They have upped her Zantac, but now I'm wondering.

errrrrgh. She is feverish also, low 99.-100.00 with Tylenol.

So I am wondering, she has gotten all her teeth , she is getting her two year molars right now, they cam in like bamm bamm bamm, Beka is still struggling, and well Anneleise made me want to just get her dentures. So I have never had a normal "teething" experience. Her hands are in her mouth all the time, we have nicknamed her "goatgirl" because she eats everything but food. Thus far she has gone to the ER for eating a gummy bracelet, the flower (hardplastic) off her doorbell on the girls little tike house, a wheel off Anneleise's lil' cars set, the other week she chewed the head off her elmo figure that Aunt Ellen gave her, now she did bring me the head so no xrays needed there...so is this teething or is she like deficient in every mineral and nutrient to survive life?

While I am chatting about Atty, I will give up a bit of a update. She is my tattle tail, if it isn't the way it was then she is on it, if you spill, drop she is on it whining, oh yeah she isn't talking at all, she will mock noises and chatter but she just stopped, she wants her Binky 24/7. She is my best baby in the sleeping department, and although 4 consecutive hours for the twins is considered not great at 18 months, I'll take it. she loves to play with small little people animals and people and will sit if siblings allow her and play with the ark, farm and carnival for a long time. She loves movies, she can tell the difference between showes and movies. Overall she is my baby, all three of my girls are mu babies, but I think she will be my baby for the longest...

Ah it's nice to feel needed, now not always at 2 am through 6 am but none the less she is a sweet pea.

I sure wish I could help her. Of course we are questioning if she has discomfort from her legs, however I'm not too sure of this yet.

Something to getcha started...take a while to load!

2010-01-22T01:10:00.001-05:00

5 months of Ketchup.

2010-01-22T01:09:00.000-05:00

Is Whitney's World open...? I don't know.

We will see. There is a lot of stuff in this head of mine but by the time I get to write the thought out, it's gone. Or take the time to relive the event again, I'd rather not. So we will see. Whitney has been closed, but like Walmart...my life is 24/7 and well you know how that is.

But I thought I would let some of you in the loop of what has been going on in our neck of the woods.

Too many holidays, births, birthdays events alike in the last three months to even itemize them.

Every bill in our household has increased between 10 - 20% and I am becoming very frugal and seeing my ways of frivolous spending...sniff. I'm seeing them, not especially liking it.

Potty training (aka torturing of a child ,slowly ripping mom's hair out, convinced someone had to switch our baby with another baby)started in November and yes we are still on the slow train to helldome..err ahum panties.

Been not so much finding Beka's and Atty's personalities but having them dueling in your face between the hours of 2 am and 9 am.

Nobody sleeping...seriously considering moving, nobody has slept since we moved in here 4 years ago other than Tom and he passes out upon entry!

Every germ in the Berkeley County area has found its way on my daughter, and since she finally decided to learn something that I have been teaching her, she is very willing to share it with everyone in the house, except me that is ~ because , well , honestly as of lately I am probably just to tired, crabby and scary for a germ to land on me and stick around. As of this update, today I didn't even make home before they called me back and I had to pick Anneleise up, all night she has been hurling over everything, however she has taken a liken' to pretty much every I received for Christmas. Getting worried about her she seems to have gotten or getting a virus/flu almost every other week and is staying pale...so another adventure in "pay attention to my kid you moron with a 500K student loan you need to pay with this office visit!"

The weight of world feels like it is on my shoulders, a midlife crisis is hanging out in the back ground. I flushed any dreams and goals down the drain after our first miscarriage, 13 years later, not by choice, but we are complete, as complete as our family can be. I have a horrible nagging that my life is more than half over, that I have been all that I can be and what left well is pretty much slave labor with a few holiday cards threw into it...(this is where you say awwwww...) and because I'm trying to convince myself that I am worth it I may even give myself a post about just that. "What about Whitney? What feels like a worthless life..."

Trying to sort,swallow and digest(aka. get over it) the death of Aubrey. I'm tired of telling myself she is better off, it was what was to happen...it wasn't , it isn't and I can't swallow another day of convincing myself that she is frolicking in the clouds shining on me...I never held her, I never feel her, I only dream and those dreams turn out to feel more like nightmares. Some days I get so cold in areas of my house and I just wonder if it is her...wouldn't a infant who hardly lives bring warmth, or is the coldness I feel here image of me. I am afraid I have become so cold, such a survivor. I can hardly cry over anything anymore.

Over the last six months I have been having dreams that feel more like nightmares. Dreams that feel more like premonitions than dreams. When and if I get sleep everything I dream about is running into real life, the difference is that emotionally in my sleep it is much more painful.

Atty has developed a very serious condition (more to follow in July this year) in her legs and we are looking at some serious crap with this...seriously.

Brother in law has new baby, yup. Just happen, again in the same year they delivered their other "surprise".

Brother in law with 1 year old and new baby is going through very difficult time and this time we just don't have it to help and we have to tell them and then just watch their life suck, I'm really just sick over it.

Tired of there always being something that makes me feel guilty. I've spent the last 6 months giving and trying to hold my hand out to anyone in need, not taking...still not enough.

Redid the kitchen, stripped it, rebuilt it on a very tight budget, with surprises and all the week before Christmas, ending with a helluva snow storm. Now we have a partially finished kitchen, a almost finished living room, a got work for now bathroom and a so close to being done other bathroom and don't get me started with the outside projects that just exposed themselves after the "big thaw". The twins are outgrowing their bedrooms...not sure the solution there, but Beka opening her cup and pouring it on Atty while she sleeps does not make for good sleep and then her throwing her stuff on Beka then telling on her while she sleeps isn't working either...

Loving the snow, hating the fact that I have done almost none of my shopping. (old entry to post, got it done, presents ripped open, things exchanged, first credit card bill paid)

Gearing up for the News Year Resolutions gig...man there is a lot I am going to do this year, but this is a later post. (again old post entry, set goals but haven't taken a shower in two days so really...thinking this isn't going to be the year to accomplish much of anything)

There really is just so much and I will never get caught up on it all but I'm sure that mu post will drag some of the wonderful wienie Whitney times into it so you will get the just , but because I have a huge following and the constant banter and emails begging me to return and share my world with them are just, well exhausting...hahah I crack myself up...honestly non-existent, I will be blogging for few but mainly for me.

It has only been six months but my kiddlets have grown so much and wow, they are crazy fun, funny, mean, loving, just a hoot, don't believe me I try to get some photos together minus our professional photo from Christmas because Tom and Anneleise decided to get the flu, and get it back and well now all the back grounds are all hearty and stuff.

Closed...

2009-08-16T00:27:00.002-04:00

for the season...

Leave a message if you want my newest email address to keep in touch.

Report.

2009-08-12T15:46:00.003-04:00

Anneleise is going to pre-K.

She seems happy, for now about it.

I am not happy about it, for now.

After the struggle and the yearning and the desire to have children and raise them, I now have to cash in two years of being a stay at home mom with her and ship her off to school.

Really the planets and the cosmos must be related to Karma, or something.

I feel very much like a failure, as well as we head into the three year anniversary of losing her twin sister Aubrey.

Mind you the plight of Aubrey's condition and complications through the pregnancy are a direct result of Anneleise's problems, no one, no mother can unless they are warped and pathetically a pity whore wants to be told that their child has a problem. When I read Aubrey's autopsy report it ripped my heart out, all I could do was cry that my child was that broken, that sick. My heart broke all over again, does often as I visit her at the cemetery. When Beka was cleared of blindness and palsy's...I was very stupid in thinking that day..."whew, I hope I never have to hear my child is as broken as Aubrey was or complications like thought with Beka..." wrong.

She is deemed not speech delayed, but communicative disorder. They said she would have this "label" even if she stuttered. The good thing is that Anneliese's cognitive scores were very high and well above where she needs to be, so were looking at coordination and speech issues which all stem from the almost nil amniotic fluid she was allowed due to Aubrey's need to save every drop she made for the weekly fluid removals. All in all , it could be much worse and I know this but...why does every thing I touch turn difficult.

I feel very Midas, but not precious metals more like sadness. Seems like there is just way , way too much sadness around me.

What ever, my child isn't like the rest, it is written on paper and although I could care a less and we are just fine, I have to subject her to harder work and lessons two year early to spare her the cruelty of "normal" kids and they're rejected parents.

Honestly, have you seen the movie The Village? Really I just want to live there. Can at 40 you become Amish?

It is our choice to take this opportunity, the spaces are limited so I have to do this. I do not want to do this, but I would rather miss out on the two years of our days together than spend countless nights holding her as she cries that the kids and even adults mock her and make fun of her.

When did rudeness become such an acceptable part of peoples make up.

There is no commitment to Apraxia as of yet, this is a very positive thing, I think we have at least the school year to avoid it.

So in the next two weeks.

My baby turns three, this week is the week that Brennah and Beka came home a year ago, Anneleise has a birthday party at our house Friday for the ones who won't attend children parties, Sunday her party at Jump it Up, then I have just 5 days with her before the flipping short bus picks her up on the 26th. All the while I relive the the 14th from the 28th trying to remember and make some memories of Aubrey because in my family mourning after the 28th will be considered "depressing, and annoying".

That was not nice. Ever since we had Aubrey I realized how often Tom and Ilaughed off very serious conditions, like calling each other retarded etc. We rarely if ever do this and it strikes a note with us because if Aubrey would have lived she would have most surely been delayed, truely in the fullest term of the word. So to even type that short bus remark was not only stupid but wrong, Iin no mean meanness from it, it is only out of hurt that I accept that my daughter will embark life with one struggle after another like her mother, after all it was the best I could do.

I hope that I at least spare her the health and fertility problems, however I have a plan of giving her these whopping hips at puberty this will surely stave off the guys.

The only thing that matters in the end is that I love my daughter no matter what, and she is a joy a gift and a pleasure everyday to wake to and care for and I will fight hard and protect her every minute of everyday that I can, tonight though, as her mother , I am sad for her, not as much for me, I just want what every mother wants for thier daughter. A gentle, lovley, life.

Hummm...

2009-08-02T22:16:00.002-04:00

Too much going on to even sit long enough to write it out.

The babies birthday went great, very busy, the fall out is just calming down. Now we are getting ready for Anneleise's on the 14th.

Very emotional. My babies turned 1. The year went faster than Icould have even imagined. They are doing so well other than Beka's ENT thing and Atty's poor wobbly legs.

It is a very insane, difficult place for me to be in right now.

I have so, and I mean so much to be grateful, thankful and in awe of, however I feel as though this cloak of sadness enveloping me...it is all emotional and mental the product of too many almost disasters, nightmares coming true, but it is real and it is mine, so I must, I must resolve.

I don't have any pictures of the party. I will be getting some from a family friend and the aunts. I never left their sides and soaked it all up, I hope that everyone got some good pictures. We hope to get the three girls birthday pictures done this week, but there are many things going on here and we all know that chaos and three little people getting pictures done doesn't mix.

So, I'm here, don't know where that is but I'm still kicking.

I'm so very proud of my babies this year, they have sure had a year, tough one, not as calm and endearing as they deserved, but they are on a better road health and eating wise and I couldn't be prouder of them.

Anneleise will be getting her diagnosis this week, please pray that it is not Apraxia. That she will find a way to get her speech issues under control.

It just breaks my heart when people say they don't understand her...how can I continue to protect her while she is growing so fast.

And yeah if anyone is wondering, my table was empty at the girls birthday, there should have been another little girl here, Aubrey. I hope she is somewhere where she knows how much I miss her, and that I wish so very much that she could have stayed with us, I long very much today to have her here with us. We are a family of 6. She should be here.

I'm very angry at some things that I found the other night while I came across her autopsy packet. I don't know why I didn't notice it before, but I think I could have gotten her better care, and just maybe she would have been here. Who knows, only god and I doubt he will share anything until the day. You know my day.

So good night, off to Hopkins in the morning with Mom to get the second opinion. Tom is staying home with the three girls. Might want to pray for them, or him...depending if your one of those type who cheers for the underdog.

Did I mention that I really don't like this place where I am at? It is brutle, wish I could just sort it out and deal with small bites at a time.

Excitment.

2009-07-21T08:50:00.002-04:00

Got almost everything ordered, bought and here for this birthday party that will take place on Saturday. My heart won't be in it, my heart and my mind will be in Rockville, in Shady Grove delivery room, reliving this day over and over. Trying to capture and remember all the things that took place that day. I will savor it like a fine coffee and a big o;' whopper of a chocolate cookie.

Really, I finally freed up the cash and the excuse to blow 12 bucks on cookies, that I don't need while trying to diet, err ah, lifestyle change.

After all the searching and ripping my world apart, I realize why? If no one else is complaining, then why should I.

Would anyone care if I close this blog, really why waste the time if no one is listening?

Wham, Pow, Bamm....

2009-07-21T00:04:00.002-04:00

I feel like every step I have taken over the last two weeks have been like a comic book. Seems with the turn of each corner there should be a puff of cloud above my head saying Pow, Bamm, Whamm.

I have been here before, I know what I got to do. I don't think I should have to do this, but I will have to put myself and my family in seclusion. The whole thing about codependent people and self destructive people and dysfunctional people is just wearing me thin. Maybe not thin because the weight and post c section disfigurement is a issue of my own, but I think I am becoming a dysfunctional person. I don't think so but I feel like a carcass that the buzzards have picked dry, I think they left a beating heart, cause I feel some pain, but I just can't invest anymore time in this nonsense.

I can't fix you, you are broke, fix thy self. I am a busy mom to three very busy kiddlets, a wife to a very neglected husband, a daughter to a very deserving needy mother, a sister to a sister that i yearn for more time with, a neighbor to better neighbor than I am and much , much more. No where in my daily or weekly hat changing for that matter am I anything for myself, and rarely anymore do I find myself devoting any of anything I got to the lord.

This is not good. I have been so very blessed. I am ashamed that I could even find the words and thoughts to write anything otherwise. As this week comes to a close Sunday my babies turn one. We went from barren and broken to bountiful and blessed, we had great doctors who cared for our whole family. We faced inability to suck and eat, diagnosis scares such as blindness and c palsy with Beka, we had heart issues, severe reflux, marathon insomnia/crying and temperature incompatibility with Atty. Our little one Anneleise has endured going on three years in 3 weeks times of of mouth, neck and jaw problems all the while bringing us so much joy that we yearned to add to our family. We are given peace for our children lost. We aren't homeless, we have not gone hungry, my children have not wanted for anything, my husband is here with me and is part of our family daily, my list of things that I have forgot to be grateful for and blessed with is much longer to type out. After spending the day feeling overwhelmed, I think it was more like wallowing in self pity, much like those who have taken from me, OMG, I have become like "them", I saw my problem, I am blessed in such a bountiful way that I have become prideful and greedy,to say that my faith although may sound shaken has been restored, energized so to speak.

"Why", "How" you ask?

The lord has provided for me in times that I forsakes him. In times I took in pride and glee. But today in reflection I know that through him he has provided me with the strength to find my way back. Now, I never really left but I have allowed the many, many real (non cyber) people take from me, if I was wearing my faith and the knowledge of the past, I would have knew better, so they have taken what I should have saved for my family, the lord and myself. I have always felt unworthy. This is a whole other post. But I give way too much of myself then render myself defenseless . I was running on empty this morning, but this afternoon I received a kick in the kiester from the lord.

Something very eye opening being surrounded in a funeral home by 10 of the most emotionally restarted (not in a mean way but a true state of inability to communicate, have sympathy, empathy and courage to face fears) people. Like the tunnel at the end of a long highway I blanked out (probably fell asleep, I'm so tired) and it was very apparent that these people, all their problems they lay on me, maybe they don't mean too but they do, once they dump, I take them over, I worry, I fret, I try to fix, help and encourage. I see the good in them, I have to work hard, maybe too hard. This also takes from myself, maybe they just really are incompatible with my personality, my take on life and living.

My mind feels like it's telling me to gear up for a mental marathon. I should not have to, I won't this time. I will however wear my armour and reset my priorities. That is the thing I love about the lord, forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a wonderful thing to a person who can't shake that feeling that they are not worthy.

Sorry to mislead you friends, the grass is greener, well green enough for me on my side of the fence, your welcome to visit, and I will share but please no grazing.

And yeah there are spelling mistakes but perfection isn't all it's cracked up to be so really...I'm just tired.

Emotional and mental wreck...

2009-07-19T19:38:00.002-04:00

The title pretty much sums it up.

Mom's mortality is on the table.
Funeral for a young untimely death.
My last babies will be one and I'm not ready for this.
90% of the baby things are gone, and to family so I get to see them for another year.
I have a tooth ache. Or a sinus headache?
Our new van needs work, get the price Monday.
Every child has therapy this week.
Brennah is hardly able to walk and we are waiting RVS results.
Anneleise is crying that her legs hurt "really bad" and she is drooling like a bulldog at the dinner table.
Beka is getting greener by the day (reference snot)
Randomly discovered that about 12 projects that should have been done a year ago should be done before party, but won't.
Gwennie, the favorite cat (Anneleise's favorite) is on her last leg if she claws another thing, well not her last leg but her last claw, i don't want to but I just may have to de-claw. She just won't stop.

Now I will stop whining and get back to work.

Really.

2009-07-16T23:19:00.002-04:00

Is karma such a bitch that she doesn't want me to smile?

So Beka is up all night oozing green goo from the nose area, being it was all over her face every time I went in to get her last night I have to assume it was the nose...then Anneleise woke up crying. She was persistent over and over "Momnee, me teeth fall out (repeated with tears ten times a minute)" At 7 am it was already 76 degrees in the house, the main valve on our water line finally took a crap and we had no water for the better part of the day. Trying to throw these kids a birthday party with no time to get anything done. All in all a typical day until...

My husbands aunt called to tell us they found Tom's cousin in bed dead.

After I caught my breath I felt ill. Drugs. Drugs and addictions have just destroyed this family, it has broken strong relationships, torn apart sisters and brothers and now a small child with no father and he just a kid himself. Pure shame.

Just a very sad reflective day, sort of mad my world doable being that anything I did today I could fix if I screwed it up, this young man can't say that.

Wow, my shoulders are getting heavy by the day.

Humm...

2009-07-15T23:49:00.002-04:00

Today consisted of:
News of pending biopsy creating one adult woman pretending that she is fine with it leaving one adult playing the cat on a hot tin roof game and I suck at it.
Anneleise cried of a belly ache all day, is a bear!
Mouse was massacred in the kitchen, the dinning room and the playroom last night leading to two hours of bleaching and cleaning.
Need brakes on van.
PCOS has returned unannounced and greeted me today with a vengeance.
Woke up to the nightmare that CHOP called and wanted to know why I left my baby there.
After paying bills the girls birthday party is going to happen on a dime and I feel they deserve what Anneleise and Aubrey had, but tis the cost of siblings and family.
Hit my right knee in the same dag spot so many times to day I can hardly walk on it.
My daughter dropped her "krumpes" (the best donuts ever in our area) and she very clearly announce " Oh, me god"....crap I try so hard not to use words like that around her I swear she is sponge, is there anything else she heard inutero that she will be whipping out on me?

Is is getting stuffy in here?

Man I need some air.

Getting ready, getting set...I'm scared.

2009-07-14T12:02:00.002-04:00

You got it, I'm scared.

I rarely admit that I am afraid of anything, over the period of the last 10 years, admitting you are afraid, scared, nervous or having second thoughts would imply your wrong, your made the wrong choices, reinforce "I told you so" or label you weak. All of which I am not, other than I have had and will have my fair share of bad choices.

But here today. I will proudly stand and shout from the roof tops.

I'm scared to potty train my child.

Seriously.

Anneliese is a smart cookie. Sharp as a tack. She could have done this 8 months ago, but there is line that has to be crossed with her, she is much like a stallion and occasionally needs to be broke before she will learn something. Also there is her delays from her birth. She is above her age at many things, very on track on a lot but emotionally she is a bit behind and I think this is because her speech took such a beating with the plagiocephaly.

Regardless, I have not pushed it because I am really afraid. I can stare a tantrum down to a purr but not a turd on my couch.

I stink.

So this week I will search the Internet for advice, clues, hints and ideas. We will start on Saturday.

Her diapers are falling off, she is too active and getting too big for diapers, she needs to make this step for herself too.

So pray for a lot in my life right now. But seriously again, pray for the potty fairies to wonk her on the head and brainwash her that the potty is good and the diapers are yuck, she has just told me this morning that the "potty is yuck, it stinky", in her defense it does need cleaned so I will accommodate this request.

I would love to hear some ideas, tips and even see some pictures of charts. Why don't people leave me comments, it would be the first time someone in my life doesn't feel the need to share thier two cents.

How can a college graduate, a medical career, a fearless warrior in life be afraid of this. I think I'm afraid I will make the situation worse and she will fail and I will be the cause. I can't let Tom do it or she will be peeing off the deck, or behind the shed in a jar. (just kidding, well maybe?)

Remeber feed me, I am feeling really needy this week.

To add to the pot...

2009-07-13T22:40:00.004-04:00

Just the other day I was so...ugggh.

Not sure what the deal is but I'm working very hard, always use every minute I am awake to get things done, any "play" time is from the hours of 12 midnight to around 2 am, but still I feel as though the list of "things" is getting longer, and bigger and more difficult.

Today I sit and stared, why bother. Frankly no one other than me cares, and I am the only one who is happier when I'm done. Tom could care a less what our house looks like, he makes no demands.

Just when I think that I can't stuff another thing in my brain to digest, I am again tested.

My mom had a repeat mammogram today and they did a ultrasound. Now by her the "suspicious area" is huge, I don't know personally but let me just say everyone in our family has died of cancer pretty much and we are just all are just pretty much just waiting for the test to find it. It is the one thing that sets on my shoulders that I will never shake, my death , you know.

That being said she has been on medication for many years, many of which I personally don't approve of but it is her life, not mine and after all I'm just her daughter.

That being said, I'm really concerned about this, this stage at her life. I don't think she can handle these things anymore. Last night we thought we would ride to a local mall just to walk around and try to get "it" of her mind and on the way she wrecked her car. Since my dad has died it has been 5 years of chaos and disorganization for her, she just can't get her feet back on the ground, so I do know that she is in no shape to fight cancer. (period.)

Let me be selfish for a moment. This sucks. My children already have so few in their lives and my mom is their only maternal grandparent, they have my sister and her son, and they have the only aunt and uncle we have ever had. That is it. If something would happen to her Anneleise would remember for a while but my babies wouldn't.

I find this thought very challenging because I feel that Tom and I are all they got and frankly I feel so unworthy of them that some days I'm sad for them that we are what they were given for parents. I feel like my job as a mom is twisted that I need to prepare them to be "orphans", the dwindling of our family just shakes my own mortality, like turning 40 didn't.

I miss my dad, and my heart aches daily for him to be part of my life. Honestly my heart aches daily for anyone to be part of our life.

Well because this isn't enough my niece is screwed up, partially because of her childhood, partially because she grew up way too early and SUPRISE life isn't that party and fairytale that she was lead to believe she deserved handed to her on a platter.

I am setting here helpless, with only a prayer in my hands everyone needs so much help but just trying to wrap it around my head gives me a headache, lord knows what would happen if I tried to work through some of it, so for now I will just stuff it, stand on the head of the monkey and push it way down along with the pain of Aubrey not being here with us, the shock that my babies our last are turning 1, the pain of dealing with this garbage can of left over life is moving faster than I can keep up with there is a day I will have to deal with this, it is starting to interfere with the real life.

i felt like this a time or two before, my dad died in a week, the other I was 5 months pregnant with Aubrey, she died 14 days after she entered this world.

I just started talking about the potty and this is what I walked out of the bathroom to...

2009-07-13T12:13:00.000-04:00

What the? Honestly maybe if I wait just a tad bit longer I can just get the three of them over and done.

Since Wednesday.

2009-07-12T23:17:00.002-04:00

Since Wednesday we have...

Anneleise has started to get her two year molars...yeah...not.

moved the house completely around.

finally finished the deck.

moved about a room full of baby items to the shed (can't get rid of those stinking things)

Went though every toy seeing if it is safe for the babies, Anneleise never ate things and still is good with her toys, these two are like goats! no paper, no stickers, no strings, nothing sharp, hard, etc....

got a mouse, not a pet a vermin.

started with migraines.

took Atty and Beka to ER because Anneleise laid a gummy fringey bracelet on the floor that I have no idea how she got and one of the two ate it, well half of it. Now thinking that Atty bite it off and ate some and threw the rest down for Beka to scarf down (great they finally share)

After 4 hours in xray thinking that Atty ate it but Beka is showing more signs.

Waiting for the neon pink pieces to appear (in crap! yeah your right)

Two very unhappy gassy babies, guessing digesting latex is painful.

No sleep because I'm afraid of a bowel obstruction, and regurgitation and choking.

Mowed twice, pulled up all my dead flowers.

Cleaned and rearranged the 100 toys in the back yard.

Found out we need some major plumbing work, like a whole main line and valve.

Rabbit has hot spots and is scratching it's self silly, well siller'.

Note that eating, sleeping and showering was not on the list, tonight the girls have a fever. Freak'n great I guess we will be at the xray dept in the am.

Made Ortho appointment for Atty , ENT for Beka both on the 28th. The girls one year (yikes I'm flipping out and sobbing uncontrollably this week over this) is August 4th, however so is Anneleise's testing for speech and delay school.

And to add some excitement... some family is plucking my only, and one and only stable nerve.

But not all is lost, the last two night the girls have sleep thorugh the nite, finially staying down at 9pm and getting up at 5 am.

Ahh.
Sucks sort of because I can't sleep worring about them, wonder if this is a latex induce thing.

This is dedicated to Nannie.

2009-07-09T09:42:00.005-04:00

See me see you Nannie?

See me with my "color" mud? Emmmm, it smelt good, and I used my fishy sponge, my hair even turned blue!

Because my mommy loves me so much Nannie she shared my red licorice. Actually she ate most of it but that was okay because she was riding the wave of stress yesterday so I shared. Sharing is something new for me, I don't really like it but I do it.

Mommy took a picture of me making my necklace and watering flowers with my shark can...but oops she didn't save them so no pictures.

Thanks so much Nannie for my box of fun stuff...

"Me go see Nannie now..."

Random thoughts putting off the the reality...

2009-07-08T09:26:00.003-04:00

i love just watching my girls...

even when they are doing nothing...

or talking about duck poop...

wish i was here...

wish he would just slow down on the pooping!

wish she would stop disappearing...

if it is a tight spot, she has to get in there...as you see happily...

then there is my little kiddlet who likes her world in a orderally way. Did I mention that it is her way!

No picture for this one.

2009-07-07T10:54:00.002-04:00

So Anneleise has been climbing over the babies gates which I may add are all over the house, and this morning no different than others she falls.

Well, maybe this morning it was a tad different than others because today when she fell she grabbed her head and said "oh cap!", "cap,cap, me hurt me leg!"

Once I am thankful that she has some serious speak issues because she would have said crap, not cap, although now I have to stop that because if we said crap this morning, then I'm sure it is a matter of time before we say something else.

Can't get her to say thousands of words, but profanity, she getting it on...my bad, I say crap all the time, so I will take the bullet and hope that I can control the tongue and guide hers to another word.

Crap.

When you ask for a smile...you get this...

2009-07-06T08:50:00.001-04:00

Really big...

Really cheesy...

Or you can get this...

Can you see the difference?

2009-07-06T08:39:00.003-04:00

So we put Beka down for a nap, teething is taking a toll on her, she took a lot of naps, short but she needed them so we let them happen even if it spelled out a late night for me. So we gave her bath early, after all doesn't every girl like a hot bubble bath every once and a while to make you feel good?

Beka after bath before her nap....

Beka after the nap...obviously an inch or few longer. No more bubble baths for you Ms. Beka!

B~Day!

2009-07-05T21:51:00.002-04:00

Happy Birthday Keaton!

We love you kid, hope you know this.

Wow, was just thinking this morning that three years ago you were getting ready to go with us in to Philly with your mom and I waiting for Anneleiese and Aubrey to come, I'll never forget our late night drives to the hospital and all the window watching...

You made that time in my life a lot more bearable, and memorable. Really could our room have gotten any blue'er?

See you later, maybe soon.

Love you Aunt Whitney, Tom, and the girls...

Teething?

2009-07-05T12:14:00.002-04:00

Help, Beka is in bad shape this morning.

She isn't eating, doesn't want the bottles or cuppies to touch her top gum rip, she is falling everywhere and has sleep for 4 hours this morning after a small stint of playing...did I mention that she is a tad mean!

Anneleise had a really hard time of teething, took forever but didn't get like this, Brennah was horribly whiny for 9 days then bamm...

Beka will be one this month (whole nother post of disbelief) and has her two lower fronts only...

sharing the view from here and there...

2009-07-04T13:57:00.003-04:00

Our view from the room in Ocean City this week...our view today is not nearly as nice:{

Anneleise taking a break from feeding the ducks, the fish and her sisters corn feed.

Another new obsession. Ducks.

The girlys are interested too, especially Beka.

Razz...Razzamatazz the new addition.

"G" and her peeps chilling at the beach...

Brennah Atlynd being aggressive towards her goldfish crackers.

Beka the "self feeder"

Brennah, just being Atty.

So this is it today, Beka is teething ~ it isn't good here, Brennah has stopped eating and Anneleise is super duper whiny, too much stimulation and conflicting emotions over the potty training thing (my guess) not looking forward to Monday when Tom goes back to work and she goes through Daddy with drawl but normal must reign. I can hardly complain because as of this morning I know two families that will be sending their husbands off to serve our country.

Both of these families will have to create a new normal while their husbands, fathers are absent, many first, holidays, illness and scares these women will have to face alone because we live free.

Maybe today we could just for a moment be more thankful that we have these freedoms, that there are these service men who carry the loads. I'm ashamed to say that many days go by that I am oblivious to what is happening in our world, that a mother loss her son, a child her father, a wife her companion so I could remain oblivious...

Maybe we should be more aware.

Maybe we could just stop the madness.

Can it ever end again?

freaky computer chopping up my pictures....

2009-07-03T09:03:00.001-04:00

this is as good as it is going to get Nannie, our computer is wonky today, must be the operator.

Where am I?

2009-06-28T23:52:00.002-04:00

This is not the deep thought post as to who and where am I, that I could have written but literally where am I?

I don't have a clue where I'm going but since my last post this is where I have been...

Brennah to the Dr.'s, on a scavenger hunt for all white sandals for the babies(no small task), car inspected, car oil change, cleaned out the shed (even bigger no small task), grocery store, car cleaning bay wash, birthday party, swimming party, mowing, gardening, one sick screaming baby from 12:30 pm last night to 4:00pm this morning...reflux! again, back worse whatever it is it stinks, packing, packing the car, cleaning the house, 9 loads of laundry because I had to drag out the 17 month clothes for Beka, helped an Aunt pack her car for a trip, oh yeah and tonight at 5:30 pm because I am not already a nut case and spend every waking moment that I'm not caring for the kiddos cleaning....

we got a rabbit.

"What!", you say.
"Ahuh..." as my eyeballs smack together.

I don't really want to talk about it, not sure how it will work, I'm a little, well a lot worried about the rabbit in this household. If fish could talk I'd have you ask them but they cant' so as their advocate, the owner (Tom) has been less than good to them so this rabbit needs to impress me and get me under her belt being that in about 6 weeks her total existence will rely on me...a bit sad but factual. Anyhow but we leave in the morning for a little two day'er at the beach and on top of finding car care, fish care we now got some rabbit care...

Thank goodness for neighbors, I have to say I got the best so when we get back we have to get the bunny basic going and learn that.

Funny thing is that we focused on this for Anneleise but Beka loves it the most she is crazy when she sees it, not sure the bunny feels the same. Would offer you some pictures but the camera is packed so it will have to wait till we return.

I have for the record put my foot down...NO MORE PETS till everyone including the father to this brouhaha pees and poops in the right place and no messes!

This includes the hermit crab that I was thinking about this week.

So wish me luck. Vacation...Take II.

A moment of salvation.

2009-06-25T08:52:00.002-04:00

So yesterday we had a lot of whine, hold the cheese and this morning dash of salvation here and there.

So Annleilese takes Atty's hand while they are sitting in the window and shows her how to "pat, pat" Libby our small cat. I just made me giggly all over, I taught her that away, she remembered, then the fact that she was so gentle with her was awesome, I really haven't expected too much of that from her.

So then later that evening she goes over to Beka as she is setting on the floor and takes both hands and holds her head. Immediately my guard goes up and I am watching, and what does she do?...kisses her! I kiss her like that all the time.

Let me just bask in the wonder...words right now will just spoil it.

Speaking of space and the moon...

2009-06-24T21:50:00.002-04:00

Houston we have a problem.

Really Brennah Atlynd Brooke is not sleeping, therefore after countless days of this she isn't eating now, taking a bottle, playing, or for that being happy. Honestly I have worked in the hospital for years, and she looks like a druggie baby, but I am being told she "teething" (my mom's favorite), her reflux is rearing again (the dr's), dunno (yup you guesses that is my husband the rocket scientist guess...) I don't know really and I don't care I just wish I could help her, she looks so sad and helpless, she has lost weight I know. Feeling inadequet has been on the menu lately this is not helping, I just hope I am doig right by my babies and being the mom they need me to be. Of course if she isn't happy I'm not sleeping or happy and this is adding to the confusion, although I'm happy just getting worried.

Uhhhmmmm.

The link to my new chunky monkey blog is broken, ha...haven't even used it yet and it's broken. Not a good sign.

You know if I could meet certain mythical, out of the world beings and slap them around...it would take me a day.

Mother Nature, the Sand Man and most defiantly I would open a can of whoop hiney on Mr and Mrs Karma. If you are wondering why there are a Mr and Mrs...? Because Karma is too cruel to be a man, most likely this is done by a Mrs. got loved scorned women and lets be honest we can pull some stuff out if we need to and Karma is persistent , illogical and mean so there has to be a male mixed in there somewhere.

Like the word hiney? My daughter told me today she has a booboo, when asked the location she said..."momma, I hurt me hiney, ouch!" she walked over got a drink of my tea and announced...:Momma, me hiney feel good."

Oh to be a child again ...
Strike that, I barely lived through it the first time, not chancing it again.

Walking on the moon.

2009-06-23T08:50:00.003-04:00

Not the song, not the game.

The actual walking on the moon took place 40 years ago, yesterday.

You know your old when your older than the first man walking on the moon.

You know I had to walk to school in the snow too....

UGGGGHhhhhh, this isn't going to be good.

By the way Brennah slept for 3 hours last night from 8:30 pm to12:00 midnight, up every hour from there on and threw in a few Beka's because she woke everyone up in the house, hence why there is not a new blog link for my fatty patty butt...

So if your older than the first scoop of dirt on the moon, really should I set myself up for trying to become a healthy and better me, or just roll over and let people poke me with sticks?

I'm so very tierd this morning I just don't know how I can get us out for a walk before the humid sun hits.

I know gotta do it.

Diary of a mad fat woman...

2009-06-22T09:15:00.000-04:00

So the first full day of summer has gotten here and I'm freak'n huge.

Really the winter, the stress , the grief the new normal and the end of a era...well lets just say that the scale has only changed a bit (lie...a lot) but the shape of my body has changed about as much as my life has in the last three years...

I had a plan to get on here and write this WoW! post that would move the earth, but then as I dresses the morning I realized that if I simply jumped in place I could accomplish that. Move the earth that is...

So tonight I will open a new yet another blog. It will contain excuses, confession, and support for me and anyone else who thinks they need to improve themselves. Of course I want to lose weight and look better, but my ultimate goal is to change the mental fog from and just be healthy and more energetic and whole. So if you wana' go on a magic carpet ride then hit Disney's Aladdin ride, if you want travel to the center of your psych'e hop on it might just be fun.

There will be very few boundaries on this blog, however nothing mean to anyone will be tolerated. There will be no tracing or research of who and what enters the blog. And if you participate I would appreciate that you leave a comment with a great healthy tip everyday. Together we can teach each other some tricks and feel great faster than we thought it could happen.

I will post the blog tonight when I get a chance to make it....

Small steps , big hurdles. Room for improvement.

2009-06-22T07:52:00.004-04:00

Non violent play.... See Beka waiting patiently off to the side?

Finally 6 ounces out of a cup!

Finally swallowed 5 ounces from a cup!

Again non violent play!

Can we say three moments of non violent play!

So for those who look at this and say big whoop! that is all, I say yeah, it is a big whoop!

It has been 6 weeks of trying to get these lil' critters to drink from a cup, I have taken from their college fund in order to purchase about 20 cups trying to find one that suites. In true fashion to them, they have different preferences depending on the time of day and what is in them....really these two little girls are much like the DiVinci Code...

On the sleep front, can I get a few prayers in this department. Personally I hate when my babies start sleeping through the night because that is a special time that I get to just cuddle one and give them some love and just stare at those precious faces...but with Beka and Atty it hasn't been a lot of this, because they have been getting up still every two hours and they are getting up about 15 minutes apart so I still feel as though I am on a marathon even when the sun sets. I will continue the race, and love every minute of it, I will remind myself that I worked so hard and had so many people help get these miracles here with us and try not to complain but I am getting worried that their development is getting effected not to mention their personalities are stressed being that they don't sleep more than one 4 hour stint in 24 hours. They have a very low tolerance before they melt down.

It will be a sad day they sleep through the night, because they are so much further ahead than Anneleise, that other than diapers, I am afraid will be the last of those little baby things I have left, other than the foot locker of all their "first things..." Uggggh!

Answered prayer?

2009-06-19T20:56:00.003-04:00

So if you history my blogs, you will see that often I pray for the knowledge to do something with the energy that my mind and my mouth have, compared to the physical and mental energy I have had as of lately, I have prayed this one a lot more.

So I'm thinking that I have a answer, and this is it.
Nothing.

I really have nothing to say, worth while, and I'm so very mentally tired and just about every person in my life other than my three children are driving me nuts. If I had to split them into groups, 1/4 are nuts, a 1/4 are lazy, a 1/4 are selfish (maybe more but who's judging?) and the other 1/4 are just being stupid ( one word description of the list of issues and idiotic things they do and say).

I really don't like when things get like this, you know the feeling? the one when your the only one right anymore....

Well, I know that isn't the fact so I will reserve this to the answer of the prayer...

Silence.

Wonder if I have been directed to silence, or am I just so fried that I got me nothing...?

Hummmm.

Photo update and obvious intervention.

2009-06-18T10:14:00.002-04:00

Late night trip to Walmart.

In a very calm and polite manner I left the house at 12:30am last night (sorta today, but) and came home at 4:00 am this morning, I have in my possession 2 disc, they were in the middle of the bucket and in another order.

After about 3 hours I really was very angry and hurt and in tears. I just threw my hands up and said, "crap!"

"Well, if god wants me to have these he will have to point them out to me I just can't do this," each pack of photos, disc was like salt in the wounds.

No joke, I got up to find the nasty employee who got the tote out for me and I looked down once more in the box. and like a light shining on these two envelopes, I saw a very familiar name on them. I giggled at the sight of this being that the person and I aren't of the best of friends actually I really don't care much for them at all, but thought to myself, well I will take their pictures and call them and let them know that I found them and if they wanted them to come get them. After all, try to be nice right?

So I picked them up and lo and behold there were two of my six disc in there, between the two packs.

Dag dawg! God is good, he always does something like this for me when I am on the verge of being mad at him...

So two isn't six but there are three pictures of me holding each of my girls that day and one of together...more than I ever had, and I won't ask for anymore.

As far as I am concerned the matter will be closed, however I may still go look from time to time.

Anger management.

2009-06-17T09:08:00.004-04:00

Want it, need it, gotta have it.

I'm very angry.

I am guessing that it is as the babies birthday is drawing near. There are a lot of reasons, the biggest is that they are just growing up too fast. I can hardly, well I can't remember those days we first got home. Then right around the corner, we celebrate Anneleise and Aubrey's birthday, 3 that alone is hard. If the girls grow up as fast oh, dear. Then dashing off to acknowledge and figure out a way to embrace my daughters death.

You know maybe I'm not angry, maybe I just need pain management.

How can things, event, times in your life that bring you so much joy and happiness be tainted with the pain and inject sadness.

My body is a cruel vessel of politically incorrect and down right not funny humor.

As I sit here pouting, my sweet Beka is laughing at me.

No time to feel sorry for my self today.

Super Hero...or something like it.

2009-06-15T08:18:00.003-04:00

MPT and Toy R Us made for a fun and happy weekend, after a hour of play with the Super Why? at Toy R Us we realized that Anneleise has taken a huge interest in the show Super Why?

It really is interesting that she has taken to this show, however I know that it has helped her learn her letters and improve her imagination...I recommend it, however I am far from scholar material. My child watches way too much Tv. Since the twiners got here I have had to use it as a tool for many reasons, but for those who are cursing and cringing, I try to be selective.

I don't know about you, but I sure slept better knowing that I had a Super Hero in my house.

Complicated? No quite simple.

2009-06-14T22:35:00.004-04:00

You left today.

I felt as though I hadn't grown up yet.

You were supposed to be here.

I'm glad your suffering ended.

I hope for everything that your in heaven.

I miss you more today than four years ago.

I hope you watch over me.

I hope you hold Aubrey in your lap everyday.

An appointment with a man.

2009-06-12T21:16:00.002-04:00

Monday, I have an appointment Monday with the manager and he will be calling his regional for a confrence call conversation.

I have the thumbnail logs that they printed off of what was supposed to be on the disc. Because I was so very busy and overwhelmed with everything at that time I just put the packs on the compture desk in a pile, knowing that one day I would be printing and getting scrapbooks together.

Im in great prayer and hope that we can get at least some pictures of the small little thumbnails on the reference log.

I have been told if not there isn't much they can do.

I asked the manager if he had children, he said yes. I asked you got pictures, he said yes. I told him to go home and ask his wife (assuming?) if he could give me his children's baby pictures at their birth being they lost mine. After all all babies look the same right......(insert being a smart butt)

He says he understands, I asked him if he had trouble getting pregnant and if they have every loss a pregnancy or buried a child. He said no. Then i told him, you'll never know how much they meant to me.

Then he found enough testosterone to say.
I'd probably looked at them before 8 months.
I told him that I would hold on to my response when we had our meeting. I most surely will be bringing all the dr bills hospital bills and Tom's off work papers to back up my explanation of why I have very little time to set and reminisce, being that the present was just as busy.

I also will remind him that I have had to return (with receipts) three time the formula we bought from there because it was outdated.

I have to let this topic rest or I will surely stroke before Monday.

Please just say a little prayer that I control my tongue better than I have today and that I say what I should , when I should and what I should.

Oh yeah, this is good they have a flipping box that is about the size of a large tote of returned disc and pictures that I can go through....

Walmart SUCKS!

2009-06-12T13:20:00.003-04:00

This deal is so bad and so is my language, it is very not child friendly and I'm sure they will make a facebook prayer group for my mouth once I finish the whole story....

by the way have I told you one of my biggest faults is that I may be a verbally violent person who can tear you a new metaphoric ass in a matter of seconds...I try to put my best foot forward here being that one day my kiddos may see this, but today is open game!

Okay, that was the nicest thing you will see from here on about Walmart. Today I will condemn all of them, maybe once the sting of a whole group of incompetent people smacking me in the face and stabbing me through the heart subsides I will just loath our local refuge for idiots....

I took like hundreds of pictures of our daughters Beka and Atty when they were born, this was a luxary that we didn't get with Anneleise and Aubrey. I have 4 pictures or so of Aubrey. Anneleise was hours after she was born. I really worked hard to have this for myself after the ruptured dream of having anything normal with pregnacny and having babies was stolen from me many so many years ago.

Probably because the idiot lost like two disposable cameras of the girls birth and never found them I am a little, no freakn' furious still, then to find out what they have done today just.....ahhhhhhgggggggh.

Since I took so many pictures of the girls I didn't want to print them off and have no where to store them so I just printed off the ones I wanted and had archives discs made, and paid for this service I must add. Well they gave me the little thumbnail sheets (I paid for too) and I looked at the ones I printed off and the thumbnail sheets and stored the disc safely until this after noon as I was getting the girls birthday stuff in order and what the hell is on the discs? Some group of freakn' drunk ass half naked yahoo with tattoos on on everybody part the ytook a picture of at some concert acting like they are animals!

NO BABIES!

There may have been some made in those pictures but not mine.

Again my thunder stolen, I don't have any of the normal baby pictures so this means the last picture I have of me holding my girls is last month, yeah freak'n almost they are a year old and Im like 55 f'n pound bigger looking like I have had no sleep for a year...

Oh there is so much more that they did but I just have to stop of I may brake the computer.

Needless to say I have a meeting on Monday with the manager at the local Walmart that employees these careless who obviously are not proud of their work. I have suggested that the manager make arrangements for the regional manager be there or be on conference call for the meeting.

Oh there is so much more.

I will starve before I patron that stupid store again....I will starve you hear me Sam Walton!!!!

12:58 pm

2009-06-11T13:05:00.003-04:00

Not that this time will mean much to anyone other than me...but for me it means almost 10 months of hard work and tons of tears, there has been much begging and pleading.

But enough for now let me share with you the finest day in the history of the Priller family.

Everyone is napping. Together, at the same time, like I can poop and not wonder who is attacking who, fighting the toilet paper monster (aka Anneleise)....ahh.

Love my monkeys...all of them so very much, but I am going to go eat lunch close to lunch time and drink a big ol' cup of coffee...and it will be warm from start to finish.

Ahhh....the finer things in life.